Revise an Argumentative Research Essay

ASSIGNMENT: Review the in-text comments and summary feedback you received on your Touchstone 3.2 draft to enhance your writing. You will then submit a revision of your Touchstone 3.2 draft that reflects the evaluator’s feedback. Make sure to include a copy of your Touchstone 3.2 draft below the reflection questions for this unit.
As this assignment builds on Touchstone 3.2: Draft an Argumentative Research Essay, that Touchstone must be graded before you can submit your final research essay.

Sample Touchstone 4

A. Final Draft Guidelines

DIRECTIONS: Refer to the list below throughout the writing process. Do not submit your Touchstone until it meets these guidelines.

1. Editing and Revising

❒ Have you significantly revised the essay by adjusting areas like organization, focus, and clarity?

❒ Have you made comprehensive edits to word choice, sentence variety, and style?

❒ Have your edits and revisions addressed the feedback provided by your evaluator?

2. Cohesion and Source Integration

❒ Is the information presented in a logical order that is easy for the reader to follow?

❒ Have you included smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs?

❒ Have you introduced your sources clearly and in a way that demonstrates their validity to the reader?

3. Conventions and Proofreading

❒ Have you double-checked for correct formatting, grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization?

❒ Have you ensured that any quoted material is represented accurately?

4. Reflection

❒ Have you displayed a clear understanding of the revision process?

❒ Have you answered all reflection questions thoughtfully and included insights, observations, and/or examples in all responses?

❒ Are your answers included on a separate page below the composition?

B. Reflection Questions

DIRECTIONS: Below your assignment, include answers to all of the following reflection questions.

1. How much time did you spend revising your draft? What revision strategies did you use and which worked best for you? (2-3 sentences)

2. List three concrete revisions that you made and explain how you made them. What problem did you fix with each of these revisions? Issues may be unity, cohesion, rhetorical appeals, content, or any other areas on which you received constructive feedback. (4-5 sentences)

3. What did you learn about your writing process or yourself as a writer? How has your understanding of the research process changed as a result of taking this course? (2-3 sentences)

Theimpact of technology and electronic devices on the current society

Introduction

The use of technology and electronic devices has negative and positive impacts on

society depending on how technology and electronic devices apply in their daily lives. On the

negative side, the Internet’s use has a negative side effect on the human brain’s cognitive side

that requires proper management to ensure that human users of the Internet are safe health-

wise. On the other side, the Internet has contributed to the development of the business sector

by providing an online business transaction that has promoted global business transactions.

Additionally, the Internet has strengthened social ties, especially for family members and

friends who stay in different countries, allowing continuity of social networking beyond

physical boundaries and distance. To benefit from the importance of technology, it is good to

understand the negative impact of technology on society to take corrective actions. This paper

addresses the adverse effects of technology and electronic devices due to the increase in

electronic devices that have forced people to be overreliant on their smartphones and other

electronic devices when performing various tasks.

The objective of the paper

 To determine the impact of technology and the use of electronic devices on today’s

society.

Research question

 What are the impact of technology and the use of electronic devices on today’s

society?

Modern technology and the use of electronic devices

Comment [DSO2]: Rephrase this sentence
to form your thesis or position statement. It
should read as a statement that supports the
argument that technology has had a negative
impact on the society.

Comment [DSO3]: Merge these with the
introductory paragraph as supporting
sentences.

Modern technology includes the use of internet networks by electronic devices in

performing various tasks. Electronic devices have smartphones, laptops, and computers used

by members of society to perform multiple tasks. With the establishment of the 5G network,

it has become easier for internet users to perform various tasks such as social networking,

business transactions, and conducting meetings via the Internet.

The positive impact of electronic devices on society

Electronic devices have both positive and negative impacts depending on how internet

users engage their electronic devices. The positive effects of modern technology on the

current society include the promotion of the education system. The current education

curriculum integrates the use of technology in teaching to ensure that learners understand

week hence improving the performance level of students and schools (Tawafak, Romli, &

Arshah, 2019, February). Electronic devices have enabled distance learning, allowing

students to get access to school resources and work on the assignment without traveling to

school. They work while at home, and they even hold group discussions through zoom and

other video conferencing platforms to enhance the learning process. Additionally, electronic

devices enable learners to interact with tutors at any time for personalized coaching.

Technological development through the manufacturing of various electronic devices

has enhanced communication between users. Without electronic devices, it was hard to

communicate with people who are far apart in terms of distance. The only way of

communication was to send printed materials and wait for a time-consuming response and

cannot be applicable for emergency requests. With the development of electronic devices,

individuals can communicate via the Internet, transmitting information faster and allowing

the sender of the data to get an instant response that is useful for the decision-making process.

Comment [DSO4]: If your thesis statement
argues that technology has negatively affected
the society, why would you start with the
positive impact of technology? The reverse
should be the case.

Electronic devices enable users to use social media accounts that will allow sharing of

information and communicating through audio and video support. The software that

facilitates communication within the community includes WhatsApp, Facebook, and zoom.

The Internet enables communication beyond boundaries making the world a global village

that results in improved business activities. The fastest way of transacting business in the

international market is by using online transactions, and electronic devices have played a

significant role in promoting online marketing.

The healthcare sector within society has been improved by modern technology, an

indicator of enhanced livelihood being experienced in the community. Video conferencing

has helped doctors in providing personalized assistance to patients who are not within the

hospital facilities. The technology of electronic healthcare records (HER) has improved data

management within the hospital by making doctors, lab technicians, and data clerks easier.

With the HER, the form is filled in the system and scanned before transferring to various

hospital departments. The technology has improved efficiency by minimizing human errors

and saves time instead of traditional manual record keeping.

When the healthcare sector has improved, society’s standards in terms of health,

empowerment, and living standards also enhance. The best way of protecting and improving

society members’ lives is by coming up with various forms of improving the healthcare

sector. Therefore, electronic devices have improved society members’ living standards by

making healthcare services easily accessible as patients can access their medication records

and treatment guidelines via the smartphones or tablets they have.

Electronic devices have improved the legal systems within society. With the

improvement in technology, CCTV cameras are used to monitor and provide security within

the community. The CCTV content can be accessed by the use of smartphones and tablets to

monitor the movements, which are used as a way of preventing criminal activities within the

society. The stability, peace, and harmony of society depends on the level of illegal activity.

Electronic devices help reduce criminal activities within the organization, which promote the

peace and harmony required for community development.

The technological use of electronic devices has improved social networking and

business activities at the global level. The Internet allows a business to operate in more than

one country as it provides an opportunity of making an order and receiving payment through

an online payment method. Electronic devices have facilitated social networking globally by

connecting them to the Internet (Arnold, Chris, 2011). The worldwide group’s connection has

made the world a global village where society members interact with each other.

Technological development has enabled society to succeed within the Covid-19

pandemic. The measures put in place to control the spread of covid-19 include restricting

physical gathering. The technology and use of the Internet have helped society overcome that

challenge by allowing working from home remotely (Ragad et al., 2015). Employees are

given tasks and assigned responsibilities by their supervisors to work from home. When

employees are done with the work, they sent it through email to their supervisors.

Negative impacts of electronic devices on society

The digital age has brought with it all kinds of technological developments. Central to

these are the electronic devices like our smartphones and laptops that we use every day. They

have hurt our lives in the following ways.

The quality of our relationships has deteriorated significantly. People no longer enjoy

the thrill of personal contact as they prefer to know people on their devices. This leads to

these people’s social awkwardness, and many of them hide behind their

electronic devices.

Also, the attention people pay to their loved ones and family members are rapidly declining.

Comment [DSO5]: This should be at the
beginning of your essay because of the topic
and the position statement for your argument.

Comment [DSO6]: Is this a research-based
comment? Provide the complete source for
the information.

It is not uncommon to find a family eating at the same table, but all of them are on their

phones. This leads to a loss of connectedness that these people have. As a result, the

relationship suffers, and people do not even have the time to notice it. Most of their attention

and energy are directed to their digital devices.

Conversely, electronic devices lead to reduced levels of concentration among the

users. This is because of the constant attention they give this device such that they cannot

focus on a specific task without checking their phones. The notifications when we get

messages are said to generate dopamine in our brains. This hormone creates a feeling of

satisfaction. This relies on people will be more eager to get notifications or text messages

(Akram, & Kumar, 2017). This results in breaks in their concentration. The social media

platforms on our electronic devices, such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, are designed

to attract users and get maximum retention rates. This leads to the dependence on them for

everything from the news, updates to getting in touch with friends. These people are never

fully engaged in their work as all they can think about is the many applications on their

electronic devices.

Electronic devices have made it easy for fake news to spread within society. Fake

news is information that is untrue but is still being propagated. It can be done for various

reasons such as malice, tarnishing reputations, creating panic, or just people having fun. The

fake news is spread by each of us, which has been made easier with our electronic devices.

With them, we can get access to information of the day in real-time using social media

platforms. This is then followed by sharing, liking, and commenting on the news. As such,

the information is spread rapidly. Most people do not care about the validity of such

information. They also do not attempt to find out if the story is true. This has long-reaching

consequences for society as panic can occur because of false information (Cavalier, Robert,

2005).

An example was when a tweet in 2013 went viral. It claimed that the president of the

United States was involved in a plane accident. As would be expected, panic spread all over

the United States and the world. The financial market was not spared as it incurred losses of

up to $2 billion. This was due to the panic among investors who predicted that the market

would go south. It was later made clear that the information was false. This shows the

potential impacts that fake news has on our society.

Conclusion

Electronic devices have both negative and positive impacts on society depending on

how technology and electronic devices apply in their daily lives. On the negative side, the use

of the Internet has a negative side effect on the human brain’s cognitive side that requires

proper management to ensure that human users of the Internet are safe health-wise. Video

conferencing has helped doctors in providing personalized assistance to patients who are not

within the hospital facilities. The technology of electronic healthcare record (HER) has

improved data management within the hospital by making the work of doctors, lab

technicians, and data clerks easier. . The social media platforms on our electronic devices

such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are designed to attract the users and get maximum

retention rates. This leads to the dependence on them for everything from the news, updates

to getting in touch with friends. These people are never fully engaged in their work as all they

can think about is the many applications on their electronic devices.

References

Arnold, Chris. “How Technology is Eliminating Higher-Skill Jobs,” NPR, November 3,

2011, http://www.npr.org/2011/11/03/141949820/how-technology-is-eliminating-

higher- skill-jobs revolution (ICFIR) (pp. 1-6).

Comment [DSO7]: Move this to the
paragraph as a follow up to the consequences
for the society that you were talking about in
the previous paragraph.

Comment [DSO8]: Close the extra space.

Comment [DSO9]: This opening comments
drives home the need to begin with the
negative impact before the positives.

Cavalier, Robert, (2005). The Impact of the Internet on our Moral Lives. New York: State

University of New York Press.

Mohammad Bani Younes. The impact of Technologies on Society: A Review. IOSR Journal

of Humanities and Social Science (IOSR-JHSS) Volume 2, PP 82-86.

Ragad M. Tawafak, Ghaliya Muslim ALFarsi, Jasiya Jabbar, Sohail Iqbal Malik, Roy

Mathew, Abir AlSidiri, Mohammad Shakir, Awanis Romli, (Feb 2015) Impact of

Technologies during COVID-19 Pandemic for Improving Behavior Intention to Use

E-learning https://doi.org/10.3991/ijim.v15i01.17847.

Tawafak, R. M., Romli, A. B., & Arshah, R. B. A. (2019, February). E-learning Model for

Students’ Satisfaction in Higher Education Universities. In the 2019 International

Conference on Fourth Industrial

Reflection Questions:

1. Provide one example of a place where you have used rhetorical appeals or source

material to support your argument. How does this enhance your essay? (2-3

sentences)

One place I was able to use source material throughout my essay. While talking about some

of the advantage of technology, I mentioned that the Internet have helped society overcome

the challenge of the COVID-19 pandemic by allowing working from home remotely. This

helps my essay because it shows how technology and electronic devices have impacted

society in a way that benefits the world.

2. Touchstone 4 is a revision of this draft. What kind of feedback would be helpful for

you as you revise? Are there parts of your draft that you’re uncertain of? (3-4

sentences)

I would like to have some inputs advice on my draft essay. If I missed anything in my

research paper. It will be beneficial for me to have a second thought. Any advice or

recommendation will be much appreciated and help me come up with a good product.

Touchstone 3.2 Rubric and Feedback

Rubric
Category

Feedback Score
(acceptable, needs
improvement etc.)

Argument
Development and
Support

The argument is thoroughly developed with
highly relevant details to support it,
including the use of rhetorical appeals and
source material.

36/40

Research

Cites most outside sources appropriately;
incorporates credible sources smoothly and
effectively through direct quotation,
paraphrase, or summary.

26/30

Organization Includes all of the required components of an
argumentative research paper, including an
introduction with background information,
an argumentative thesis, an adequate number
of body paragraphs with topic sentences, a
body paragraph addressing
counterargument(s), and a conclusion with a
concluding statement.

10/15

Style

Demonstrates thoughtful and effective word
choices, avoids redundancy and imprecise
language, and uses a wide variety of sentence
structures.

4/5

Conventions There are only a few, if any, negligible errors
in grammar, punctuation, spelling,
capitalization, formatting, and usage.

4/5

Reflection Demonstrates thoughtful reflection; includes
multiple insights, observations, and/or
examples, following response length
guidelines.

4/5

Overall Score and Feedback: 84/100

Hello
The argumentative essay you submitted on the impact of technology on the society is
good but needs some adjustments. First, you need to provide a clear thesis as indicated
in the first paragraph. Then, based on the position statement, you should rearrange the
argument as suggested in the comments. You did a good job with the argument.
Please read the comments embedded in the essay to make the necessary revisions and
editing.
I wish you the best.