You are
now required to revise Essay #2. Here is the due dates and some guidelines for
this revision:

Draft 2 of
Essay #2 is due by 11:59 PM on Friday, February 5.
Submit the second draft to the new Turnitin space that is open in Formal
Essay Assignments—see “Essay 2,draft 2.”

The second draft should be a
minimum of 900 words long. Some of you may have already reached or passed this
number, but you still should be making changes to the essay—adding, cutting,
and changing information—so you still want to remember it. And, it’s a minimum, so you can write more
than this, but you should have a clear, strong thesis that limits the essay’s
length.

This is a thesis-driven essay;
that is, it is an essay that is making a point about the issue you identify.
You should not be merely reporting information in your sources, in other words.
The second draft should therefore use the sources you have selected to develop
your point of view.

Remember, you must use Jia
Tolentino’s chapter “The I in the Internet” and at least one other text from
the course reading material as a source. In addition to this, you are in the
process of doing independent research for one of your essays that will become
the “Capstone” paper in your portfolio. If it is this essay, you can begin to
integrate the additional sources you found into the next draft. Use no more
than 5 texts to help develop what you write in the essay. In addition to introducing
and summarizing them, you should be integrating exact, quoted evidence from them
to help you develop ideas in the paper that support your thesis. You want to
both “tell” and “show” ideas to the reader. And, you should include your own
experience as evidence to help reason-through your ideas. On many first drafts,
I suggested that this is a way to have more control of an essay going forward.  

Finally, the second draft should
have a Works Cited page that lists the sources cited in the paper. See the
“Basic MLA—10 Things for ENG 12” handout and “Sample Works Cited page” in
Course Information and the Purdue OWL website for more information and examples
on MLA guidelines for in-text citations and for constructing a Works Cited
page.  

Surveillance and Privacy on the
Internet
by Wisline Fontilus

Submission date: 29-Jan-2021 04:

14

PM (UTC-0

5

00)
Submission ID: 149731032

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File name: Essay2draft1 x (18.49K)
Word count: 73

3

Character count: 3922

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FINAL GRADE

5/5

GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Hi, Wisline. I like what you have started here. You draw
attention to exact moments in both Tolentino’s and
Herrman’s texts that are interesting and useful to what
appears to be your purpose for the paper. I make
comments on the paper about what I think this purpose
is and suggest changes going forward to make the
thesis stronger and to affect how you integrate and use
the sources in the the paper, so please see them.

If you have questions about what I write, let’s discuss
them this week somehow. I look forward to reading the
next draft. Keep up the effort.

PAGE 1

Comment 1

Nice title.

Comment 2

…small, such as …, or large, such as …

Comment 3

…issue of how surveillance effects privacy.

Comment 4

…are the reasons it does not promote..

The wording could use some change here to be clear. Otherwise, this is an interesting thesis for the
essay. If I read this correctly, your claim is that the internet isn’t even hiding what it is doing in this
regard, which suggests that users (many/most but not all, of course) want to be watched or are at
least okay with it.

Comment 5

Who says this in her chapter? Use a signal phrase to set up quotations.

Before you do this, however, introduce Tolentino and her text to the readers. Give her full name and
the title and a brief take on what her chapter covers so the reader has context before you start to
quote from the text. Here, you are bringing up what Tolentino quotes someone else saying, so this
needs a set-up to explain what going on before you quote.

PAGE 2

Comment 6

Here, too, you get into the source in too much detail too quickly. See the prior comment about
integrating Tolentino’s chapter better and apply it here, too. You most likely will need more
paragraphs to develop and connect this better going forward.

Comment 7

and -display,

Comment 8

This is a nice topic sentence.

Comment 9

When you paraphrase and quote, put the page number reference at the end of where the
information/words from the text are given. In this case, it woulf be at the end of the quotation. Take
her name out of the parenthetical reference, however, since we know it is from her text:

…exhaustion” (4). Tolentino…

Comment 10

traces

Comment 11

Okay, but the reader still needs to know what Herrman’s piece is about. What’s the point it makes
about this? Then, you can use what he says better in your essay going forward.

Comment 12

What does this mean–…used to bring down big sites…?

PAGE 3

Comment 13

Is this what they are told now? Again, do people not know this is happening, or do they, and … see
the questions I pose earlier about this, as they may help shape the essay going forward.

Comment 14

Works Cited

Some attention is needed here, but this is a good start to this page.

PAGE 4

Surveillance and Privacy on the Internet
by Wisline Fontilus
Surveillance and Privacy on the Internet
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor

• The I in the Internet

EPSON199.PDF
EPSON200.PDF
EPSON201.PDF
EPSON202.PDF
EPSON203.PDF
EPSON204.PDF
EPSON205.PDF
EPSON206.PDF
EPSON207.PDF
EPSON208.PDF
EPSON209.PDF
EPSON210.PDF

• EPSON211.PDF
• EPSON212.PDF
• EPSON213.PDF
• EPSON214.PDF