Reviewing your assessment choose 3 areas that you want to improve and note at least one step you will take for each area and write a one page reflection on your results. Look at your results chapter by chapter.

Chart in page 140. 

Areas I need to improve: master my stores & Make it easy & Stay Focused and Flexible. (see my result)

1 page for each, please also read through the chapters for areas I need to improve on based on my result,

PRAISE FOR CRUCIAL ACCOUNTABILITY

“The revolutionary ideas in this book demonstrate how these moments of potential breakdown are, in
fact, opportunities for breakthrough. The wisdom this book offers will not only save countless imperiled
relationships, it will strengthen the world by profoundly strengthening its fundamental building blocks—
our families, neighborhoods, communities, and workplaces.”

—Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

“The tools and concepts of Crucial Accountability have proven to be extraordinarily effective in
preparing our leaders to manage change and improve results.

W

e expect this new book to take us to the
next level in driving accountability.”

—Mike Redenbaugh, CEO, Bell Helicopter

“The greatest test of a relationship is what happens when someone lets you down. Yet these are the
moments of greatest opportunity. By learning to manage accountability, you can unleash the true potential
of a relationship or organization and move it to the next level. Never again will you have to choose
between candor and kindness. This book teaches you that you can win by using both.”

—Ken Blanchard, coauthor of The One Minute Manager® and The Secret: What Great Leaders Know—
and Do

“I’ve got no patience for foo-foo. This book is the real deal—it has immediate practicality. This is not
fluff. The authors spent over 10,000 hours observing individuals who had been identified as the best at
engaging in difficult but necessary Accountability discussions where everyone wins and relationships are
ultimately strengthened. Read it, underline it, learn from it. It’s a gem.”

—Mike Murray, VP Human Resources and Administration, Microsoft (retired)

“Hot-headed players. Bad refs. Energetic coaches. Anxious team owners. Watch out! This book
redefines how we all relate to each other. Read it now or get lost in the dust.”

—Danny Ainge, Executive Director, Basketball Operations Boston Celtics

“Brutal honesty is easy. Suffering in silence takes no skill. Achieving absolute honesty while
maintaining complete respect requires skill. And useful skills is what this book offers. It redefines how
we relate to each other at work and at home. When Crucial Accountability becomes required reading for
everyone, the result will be overwhelming increases in productivity and prosperity.”

—Harry Paul, coauthor, FISH! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results

“I’ve seen firsthand how these ideas can change a company for the better. But Crucial Accountability
is not for the fainthearted leader. It starts with the CEO, demands greater openness of all leaders, and
removes people’s chronic excuses for failed results in the past. It also creates a new climate of
willingness on everyone’s part to confront tough issues with colleagues. It works. It profoundly affects
performance. I highly recommend it.”

—Russell K. Tolman, President & CEO Cook Children’s Health Care System, Fort Worth, Texas

“This book bristles with ideas and insights. The authors build a compelling set of skills based on solid

research and a deep understanding of psychological functioning. Think of the most talented leaders,
parents, or spouses you know—these are the skills they use. It is a ‘must-read’ book for anyone who has
to make decisions about people and to be socially effective.”

—Dr. Philip Zimbardo, author, host of the PBS series Discovering Psychology, past President of the
American Psychological Association, Professor of Psychology, Stanford University

“The compelling organizational, often life-saving, skills presented in this book are the most important
contribution to improving human interactions in healthcare I have seen in my career. I am confident that if
all healthcare providers adopt these strategies there will be a dramatic improvement in patient safety and
satisfaction—the ‘bottom line’ in healthcare that really counts.”

—Wanda Johanson, President, American Association of Critical-Care Nurses

“To sustain a learning culture, the tools of Crucial Conversations and now Crucial Accountability are
a must-have! Read on and find out how Crucial Accountability can add to your team’s effectiveness!”

—Charlotte Roberts, coauthor of The Fifth Discipline Field Book

“Clear and consistent communication can work magic in an organization … but only if leaders have the
courage and skills to set clear expectations and hold all individuals accountable. Crucial Accountability
gives leaders simple, effective tools to address tough problems and move to resolution.”

—Quint Studer, CEO, Studer Group and author of Hardwiring Excellence

“There is no way to overestimate the power of language and conversation to transform our lives.
Crucial Accountability offers a proven and powerful way to have more authentic relationships in a way
that brings more care and compassion into the world.”

—Peter Block, author of Flawless Consulting, Stewardship and The Answer to How Is Yes

“Crucial Accountability lays out not only the need for holding others to their word but also practical
steps on how to do so. People who say they believe in accountability and execution, but struggle with how
to do it, should have this book on their desk. It goes beyond conceptual ‘solutions’ and provides simple
techniques and approaches that anyone can use.”

—Paul McKinnon, Head of Human Resources, Citigroup, Inc.

“They’ve done it again! With Crucial Accountability, the authors have once again delivered practical
and proven tools to immediately improve individual performance and organization success. This will be
the most recommended and most effective resource in my library.”

—Stacey Allerton Firth, Vice President, Human Resources, Ford of Canada

Also by the Authors

Crucial Conversations:
Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

Influencer:
The New Science of Leading Change

Change Anything:
The New Science of

Personal

Success

Copyright © 2013 by VitalSmarts. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States
Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any
means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-0-07-183059-

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MHID: 0-07-183059-

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cause arises in contract, tort or otherwise.

We dedicate this book to

THE WORLD’S BEST LEADERS
Those managers, supervisors, associates,
team members, parents, colleagues, and

technicians who have routinely
stepped up to tough (even hostile)
problems and skillfully held

others accountable.

Thank you for your examples.
Thank you for helping us learn.

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction: What Is Crucial Accountability?

And Who Cares?

Part One: Work on Me First
What to Do Before an Accountability Discussion

Chapter 1:

Choose

What and If

How to Know What Conversation to Hold and If You Should Hold It

Chapter 2:

Master My Stories

How to Get Your Head Right Before Opening Your Mouth

Part Two: Create Safety
What to Do During an Accountability Discussion

Chapter 3:

Describe the Gap

How to Start an Accountability Discussion

Chapter 4:

Make It Motivating

How to Help Others Want to Take Action

Chapter 5:

Make It Easy

How to Make Keeping Commitments (Almost) Painless

Chapter 6:

Stay Focused and Flexible

What to Do When Others Get Sidetracked, Scream, or Sulk

Part Three: Move to Action
What to Do After an Accountability Discussion

Chapter 7:

Agree on a Plan and Follow Up

How to Gain Commitment and Move to Action

Chapter 8:

Put It All Together
How to Solve Big, Sticky, Complicated Problems

Chapter 9:

The 12 “Yeah-Buts”
How to Deal with the Truly Tough

Appendix A: Where Do You Stand?
A Self-Assessment for Measuring Your Accountability Crucial Conversation Skills

Appendix B:

Six-Source

Diagnostic Questions

The Six-Source Model

Appendix C: When Things Go Right

Appendix D: Discussion Questions for Reading Groups

Notes

Index

Foreword
As I read this book, my mind kept reverting to a particular image. Namely, J. D. Watson and Francis

Crick as they relentlessly pursued the mystery of life … and finally struck upon the double-helix structure
of DNA. The world has never been the same. Next stop … Stockholm in December.
I don’t know whether the authors of this book will get the call that confirms a Nobel, but there’s a part

of me that thinks it’s their just deserts for this magnificent and groundbreaking masterwork.
An absurd claim?
I think not.
War and peace, wellness and extreme physical and mental malaise, marriage and divorce, abject

failure and Olympian success … all these profound subjects at their core depend upon functioning—or
malfunctioning—human relationships. Dyads: a couple. Little organizations: a 20-table restaurant or 20-
person finance department. Giant organizations … an army or a Fortune 50 corporation. Nations on the
brink of war and genocide.
Enter our new Watson and Crick and the essential element of the organizational DNA: the DNA of

effective accountability discussions.
Some renowned management experts have made careers out of their belief, “Get the strategy right …

and the rest will take care of itself.” Others have said, “Strategy, smattergy … it’s the core business
processes that explain the divergence between winners and losers.” And then there are those that claim
that leader selection has no peer in explaining various degrees of organizational effectiveness.
Doubtless there is truth in all the above. (I’ve held various of these positions over the years … each

passionately.) But then again, perhaps all such “magisterial” concepts aimed at explaining differences in
organizational outcomes miss the boat. Perhaps the idea of organizational DNA that makes for stellar
outcomes is Absent Without Leave.
Until now.
Yes, I’m that bullish on Crucial Accountability. (Perhaps because I’ve seen so many of my own

brilliant strategies evaporate in the space of minutes—seconds—as I screwed up an accountability
discussion with a peer or key employee. Again … and again.)
So why did we have to wait until this moment for this book? Perhaps it’s the times. We used to live in a

more tolerant world. Buildups to war could last decades. Smoldering corporate ineffectiveness could
take eons to burst into flame. Lousy marriages festered for years and then more years.
No more. The marketplace is unforgiving. One strike—whether new-product foul-up or terrorist with

dirty bomb—and you’re (we’re!) out. Thus continual organizational effectiveness—which is, after all,
nothing more than human-relations effectiveness—is of the utmost urgency, from CIA headquarters to
Walmart headquarters.
Crucial Accountability is an original and a bold leap forward. No doubt at all. But like all good

science, it is built on a rock-solid base of what has come before. The neat trick here is imaginatively
applying the best of psychological and social-psychological research over the last half century to this very
particular, precisely defined topic … crucial accountability—on topics such as performance and trust—
that promote or destroy relational or organizational effectiveness.
The basic hypothesis is profound. The application of proven research is masterful. The explanations

and supporting stories are compelling and lucid. The translation of the research and stories into practical
ideas and sound advice that can be implemented by those of us who have floundered on these paths for

decades is nothing short of breathtaking.
Hey, if you read only one “management” book … this decade … I’d insist that it be Crucial

Accountability.

Tom Peters
Lenox, MA

Preface:
A Note to Our Readers

This book is a companion to Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. Those
who have read this offering or heard about it or bought the action figures are sure to wonder, “What’s the
difference between crucial conversations and crucial accountability?” We’re glad you asked.
Crucial conversations deal with high-stakes interactions where emotions run strong and opinions vary.

Crucial accountability deals with a subset of these interactions. After parties have come to a common
understanding and assignments have been made—meaning things are on course—someone fails to
complete his or her assignment.
All accountability discussions start with the question “Why didn’t you keep your commitment?” And

they end, not merely when a solution is reached, but when it’s done in such a manner that both parties are
able to comply and the relationship is strengthened. In short, accountability discussions are the prickly,
complicated, and often frightening performance discussions that keep us up nights.
Now, here’s how the two books relate. This book draws on the principles found in Crucial

Conversations—with an occasional and brief review of those pivotal concepts. With that said, almost all
of the material you’ll find here deals with the challenges associated with violated commitments and, as
such, is new and stand-alone. Pick up this book, read it, put the ideas into action, and you’ll never walk
away from another broken promise again.

Acknowledgments
Here are just a few of our 100+ colleagues on the VitalSmarts team who are as committed to this work

as any of the authors:
James Allred, Terry Brown, Mike Carter, Lance Garvin, Jeff Gibbs, Justin Hale, Emily Hoffman, Jeff

Johnson, Todd King, Brittney Maxfield, Mary McChesney, John Minert, David Nelson, Stacy Nelson,
Rich Rusick, Andy Shimberg, Mindy Waite, Yan Wang, Steve Willis, Mike Wilson, Paul Yoachum, and
Rob Youngberg.
Thanks also to our U.S. associates who are gifted teachers and powerful influencers:
Doug Finton
Ilayne Geller
Tamara Kerr
Richard Lee
Simon Lia
Murray Low
Jim Mahan
Margie Mauldin
Paul McMurray
Jim Munoa
Larry Peters
Shirley Poertner
Mike Quinlan
Kurt Southam
Neil Staker

And finally we express gratitude to the partners and friends who have supported our work around the
globe:
Australia—Geoff Flemming and Grant Donovan
Brazil—Josmar Arrais
China—Jenny Xu
Egypt—Hisham El Bakry
France—Cathia Birac and Dagmar Doring
India—Yogesh Sood
Indonesia—Nugroho Supangat
Italy—Giovanni Verrecchia
Malaysia—V. Sitham
Netherlands—Sander van Eijnsbergen and Willeke Kremer
Poland—Marek Choim
Singapore—James Chan
South Africa—Helene Vermaak and Jay Owens

South Korea—Ken Gimm
Switzerland—Arturo Nicora
Thailand—TP Lim
U.K.—Grahame Robb and Richard Pound

Introduction
What Is Crucial Accountability?

And Who Cares?

One of my problems is that I internalize everything.
I can’t express anger; I grow a tumor instead.

—WOODY ALLEN

STEPPING UP TO VIOLATED EXPECTATIONS
Sooner or later it happens to all of us. You’re politely standing in line and a fellow cuts in front of you.

What the … ? Well, you’ll just have to say something.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” you bark. “The line ends here. It begins there!”

To punctuate your point you aggressively shake your finger in the direction of the beginning of the line.
Nobody is going to play you for a fool.
It turns out you’re not alone in your impressive display of courage. Years ago we asked people at a

local mall if they would speak up to a line cutter. Almost all of them said they would. Nobody wants to be
a patsy. But then, later on, when we had people actually cut in front of people standing in line at a movie
theater, not one person spoke up. Not one.
Of course, not all the people we studied remained totally silent. Several made faces or turned to a

friend next to them and griped about the intrusion. They reserved the right to bad-mouth line cutters behind
their backs.
And then came a breakthrough. After changing the age, gender, and size of the line cutters in trial after

trial—to no effect—a woman finally spoke up. She tapped the shoulder of the woman who cut in front of
her and asked, “Who does your hair?” (Check out a re-creation of this experiment in the video “Whose
Line Is It Now?” at http://

www.vitalsmarts.com

/bookresources.)

IT’S A MATH THING
Later, when members of our research team asked people why they had gone to silence in the face of

someone violating a social norm—not to mention violating the sacred line rights of the subject in question
—most commented that the mental math they performed at the time of the infraction suggested it wasn’t
worth the effort. It was only a minor infraction of little consequence, and speaking up might actually cause
a problem. Ergo, go to silence.
So we upped the ante. We left the mall and sat down next to students at a university library and made

loud noises. Once again, nobody said anything. Members of our research team practically held a party in a
location that most of us see as the very temple of silence, and yet nobody said a word. It was a library,
and we were talking REALLY LOUD! Still nothing.
So we snuggled up close to library patrons seated at the tables around us and read from their books—

occasionally underlining a passage or two. Again, little direct dialogue. Next we went to the student union

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources

building, sat next to people seated in the cafeteria, asked them about the food they were eating, and then,
you guessed it, started sampling French fries and pie from their tray. Still, few spoke up.
As clinically passive as these research subjects seem, their silence was unique neither to the

population we studied nor to any particular decade. As it turns out, 30 years after we started this line of
research, you can watch a number of TV programs that are devoted to this very phenomenon. The
producers hide their cameras, pay actors to do something strange, antisocial, or politically incorrect in
front of innocent observers, and then record the antics that follow.
When faced with scenarios even more bizarre than eating from a stranger’s plate (e.g., observing a

possible abduction, seeing someone collapse on the sidewalk, listening to someone make a horribly racist
comment, etc.), the majority of today’s onlookers remain silent. You have to put someone’s life in danger
before innocent observers will utter a word—and even then, most people don’t say anything.
But what if the scenario you’re watching is not taken from a mall study or TV program and the stakes

are both genuine and high—people could die if someone doesn’t speak up. How would you feel about
research subjects who remain silent under these conditions? Better yet, would you yourself keep quiet
even when doing so could cause others harm?
To answer the first question, you don’t have to go very far. Simply visit a patient in a nearby hospital.

Attached to the doorframe of nearly every hospital room in the Western world you’ll find a hand pump
filled with sanitizing solution. Each healthcare professional entering the room, by hospital policy, is
supposed to sanitize his or her hands to help avert passing infections from one patient to the next.
The good doctor entering the room you’re observing has just examined three patients down the hallway

who are suffering, in turn, from cholera, meningitis, and yellow fever. He is now coming in to examine
(read touch) your father-in-law. Watch as the physician enters the room and fails to wash his hands. He
walks right past the bottle of sanitizing solution and toward your father-in-law. Fortunately, it’s your lucky
day. An attending nurse observes this violation of protocol. Surely she’ll speak up.
Or will she?
Most won’t. Once again, it’s a math thing. It’s a physician whom the nurse has to hold accountable, and

the physician could become annoyed, even offended, at the mere hint of a misstep. Heaven only knows
that incurring the wrath of a physician can wreck a career. Plus there’s always a chance that the diseases
won’t be passed on so easily. And then again, maybe the doctor did wash his hands somewhere out of
sight. And so unfold the mental calculations of the nurse who opts to join the ranks of the silent.

THE SILENT MAJORITY
Now, lest you think we’re being unfair to healthcare, let’s make it clear that the habit of not holding

others accountable in the face of a possible disaster is not unique to hand hygiene nor, for that matter,
theater protocols. For over three decades following that first day in the mall, we’ve routinely conducted
studies examining people’s willingness to step up to the plate and hold others accountable. It turns out it’s
remarkably easy to find conditions where people don’t speak up to individuals who are violating a
promise, breaking a commitment, behaving badly, or otherwise not living up to expectations.
For instance, two-thirds of those we polled suggested that they can hardly stand going to family holiday

gatherings because one or more of their relatives will do something offensive, yet nobody dares say
anything. Someone tried to say something once, but it led to a nasty argument, and so now people clam up,
suffer the intolerable tension, and leave the gathering as soon as possible.1

In a similar vein, the vast majority of employees we polled no longer talk politics at work because
coworkers often become too forceful, even obnoxious, when expressing their views. Rather than deal
with coworkers who use abrasive debate tactics, they simply avoid political discussions altogether.2

Speaking of workplace reticence, 93 percent of the people we polled work day in and day out with a
person they find hard to work with, but nobody holds the person accountable because other employees
believe that it’s too dangerous.3 And speaking of danger, when it comes to risky acts, every day tens of
thousands of people watch their coworkers perform unsafe work practices, yet they remain silent. After
all, you don’t rat out a coworker, and, well, you certainly don’t talk directly to a peer about violating a
rule. It’s simply not done. You don’t want to look sanctimonious.
Or how about this problem? Over 70 percent of the project managers we studied admitted that they

were going to be hopelessly late on their current project because the deadline they were facing was
insane but nobody spoke up when it was first created. Nobody said to the bosses, “Could you please
involve us before you pick delivery dates?” In addition, when cross-functional team members put the
project at risk by failing to meet their commitments, we found there was less than a 20 percent chance
anyone would approach them honestly and discuss the broken commitment.

4

The headlines reveal that this epidemic of silence cuts across virtually every aspect of our lives. For
instance, on the morning of January 13, 1982, a jumbo jet crashed into a bridge connecting Virginia to
Washington. All but 5 of the 79 people on board died. Later, investigators learned that the copilot was
concerned about the ice building up on the wings, mentioned it, was ignored, and then didn’t bring it up
again for fear of being too forceful with a pilot. Seventy-four people died from a single case of silence.

5

Or how about the granddaddy of all flight debacles? The space shuttle Challenger broke into pieces in
front of a horrified nation because, as we later learned, several engineers were concerned that the O-rings
might malfunction but they didn’t say anything because nobody pushed back honestly with the bosses.6

And why? Because with certain people and circumstances you just don’t bring up infractions. Not with
a boss. Not with a pilot. Not with a doctor. Not with a colleague or relative. Oh yes, and not with
someone cutting in line.

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENTS
So what would it take to change the mental math that is so frequently working against us? Is it possible

to turn the cost-benefit analysis around and return accountability to a woefully silent world?
To answer this, let’s return to our first study—the one where subjects believed that speaking up to a

line cutter wasn’t worth the risk. What if we taught people standing in line a script for dealing with a line
cutter? If we showed them a successful interaction, would they change their math enough to now stand up
to someone who cuts in front of them?
To find out, we added a twist to our research design. For our second round of line cutting, we cut in

front of a research colleague who was queuing up at the movie theater just like everyone else. Rather than
remain silent (as was the established norm), our colleague was instructed to abruptly say, “Hey buddy, get
to the end of the line like everyone else!” The offender (also from our research team) then apologized and
scurried to the end of the line.
And now for the fun part. We waited a few minutes and then cut in front of the person standing directly

behind our rather forceful colleague. Would the subject we cut in front of now speak up, maybe even using
the same script he or she had observed? The script had worked. The line cutter had gone to the end of the
line without causing a fuss. The mental math had to be somewhat different.
But apparently not enough different. Nobody who observed the abrupt model said a word when

confronted by a line cutter. Subjects explained that they didn’t want to act like the jerk whom they had
observed bluntly dealing with the line cutter. That was part of the reason most people remained silent in
the first place. They had no desire to behave like a thug, nor did they want to risk the ugly confrontation
that might follow a blunt verbal attack. They already knew how to be abrasive. Teaching them another

abrasive script changed neither their mental math nor their

behavior.

In fact, most people who routinely revert to silence do so as a result of similar calculations. They have

been let down, left holding the bag, or otherwise treated poorly until they eventually tire of others
disappointing them. Then, one day the problem reemerges, and they blow a gasket. They trade silence for
their favorite form of verbal violence by raising their voice at their relative, or barking at a coworker, or
perhaps acting far too smug with their boss. And then bad things happen.
Maybe you’ve experienced the same phenomenon. Someone repeatedly violates an expectation, and

you play nice for several weeks until one day you can take it no longer, and so you launch a verbal attack
on the offending party. The tongue-lashing seems to be going well until you notice that everyone in the
surrounding area is staring at you, not the guy who kept breaking commitments. You’ve become the bad
person in this scene. How did that ever happen?
Learning from your mistake, your mental math changes to a predictable and unpromising formula. You

conclude that it’s better to remain mum than look the fool. It’ll be a cold day in you know where before
you speak up again.
Here’s the takeaway. Most of us have been disappointed or treated poorly by others and have

experienced both ineffective options—(1) perpetuating the problem by saying nothing and (2) speaking up
and creating a new problem. As a result, we feel trapped between two bad alternatives. We would like to
say something—but not something abrasive or rude that could lead to an altercation.
With this in mind, we started our third research trial with a new technique. This time we modeled an

effective option to the people in the queue. We cut in front of a colleague who had been instructed to give
a direct, but civil, response to the line cutter. He was to politely state: “I’m sorry; perhaps you’re
unaware. We’ve been standing in line for over 30 minutes.” (Note the civil tone and assumption of
innocence.) The line cutter then apologized and scurried to the end of the line.
Once again, we let a few minutes pass before we cut in front of a person who had observed the staged

interaction and waited to see how our research subjects would react. Given the better choice of words
and delivery, would the research subjects’ mental math change to the point where they finally spoke up?
Or would they still remain silent? After all, silence still costs nothing more than a few additional moments
in line.
Not only did more than 80 percent of the research subjects who observed the polite interaction break

from tradition and say something to the line cutter, but they used the exact same words they had heard:
“I’m sorry, perhaps you’re unaware …”
It was amazing! Provide individuals who have been disappointed or poorly treated with something to

say and a way to say it that leads to the result they want, and their mental math changes. Better yet, their
behavior changes. People now believe it’s in their best interest to step up to violated promises, broken
commitments, and bad behavior. And they do.

CRUCIAL ACCOUNTABILITY
It took us a while, but we had finally uncovered a method for getting people to step up to a problem and

hold the other person accountable. However, let’s not get too excited. After all, our research had been
done with a rather trivial problem where merely pointing out the infraction in a civil manner appeared to
work, and so people gave it a try. When it came to holding others accountable, we had only learned to
walk.
But what if the crucial conversation involved a more serious and complicated infraction? Could you get

people to hold others accountable for their actions when a single civil sentence might not be enough to
solve the problem? Could we advance from walking to running?

We were soon to find out. Fresh off our line-cutting success, we received a phone call from a
midwestern plant manager who worked in a large manufacturing organization that, according to him, had
lost any semblance of accountability.
“You’d have to kill a person to get fired around here,” the plant manager said.
“A really popular person,” the HR director added with a smirk.
This was going to be a challenge. We were confident that people can learn accountability skills (under

the proper circumstances), but what if you point out a broken commitment and the other person isn’t
motivated to do the correct thing, or she doesn’t know what to do, or she brings up another issue, or she
gets upset that you’re even talking about the problem in the first place? How do you hold others
accountable when the conversation becomes fluid and complicated?

POSITIVE DEVIANCE
To learn the best practices involved in lengthier, more complex accountability discussions, we asked

the plant manager if there were any supervisors in the building who actually did hold others accountable
in a way that worked, and if so, would he allow us to watch them in action?
At first, he pointed out that his supervisors fell into two camps. You had those whom he described as

running a “country club.” These were individuals who were so pleasant that they created good morale, but
they only achieved mediocre results because they rarely held others accountable. In the second camp
you’d find leaders who could solve problems all right, but only by demeaning and threatening others in a
way that led to low morale and eventually to poor results.
But then the plant manager thought of a few individuals who routinely found a way to hold others

accountable, and they did so in a manner that not only solved the problem but also improved their
relationship. They found a way to be both honest and respectful—and rarely had to invoke their formal
authority to get things done.
And thus began our first attempt to study “positive deviants”—people who struggle in the same

circumstances as others but find a way to produce remarkably better results. In a world filled with failure,
we learned to find a handful of individuals who succeed in the face of danger, observe them in action,
identify exactly what they do that differentiates them from their less successful peers, and then teach these
unique actions to others. In short, we came up with a plan to study the best, share the wealth, and
eventually infect an entire organization with healthy behavior.
It was worth a shot. If we could identify accountability skills that actually worked and taught them to

others, we predicted that people would watch the skills in action and eventually change their mental math.
In time, with new and positive expectations, they would step up to accountability discussions as a matter
of course.
For months we compared the actions of positive deviants with everyone else’s actions. Eventually we

succeeded. One by one, action by action, we began to identify skills that positive deviants routinely
employed as they stepped up to others and held others accountable—skills that others failed to use.
For instance, suppose that one of the individuals you’re observing in action points out an infraction to a

coworker and the offending party doesn’t appear the least bit motivated to change his behavior.

“What’s the big deal?” he asks with a look of defiance.

In response to this question, poor performers launched into lectures or threats. Positive deviants took a
different path.
Or perhaps the coworker suggests that he faced an ability barrier:

“I tried, but, dude, I couldn’t figure out how to use the tracking software.”

In this case, the majority of people you see in action immediately jumped in and showed their
colleagues what to do. Positive deviants weren’t so quick to leap in with an answer.
On occasion, the coworker who had let them down dug in and became defensive, even disrespectful.

“Who died and left you in charge?”

With the majority, out came newer and even more pedantic lectures. Not so with positive deviants.
Skill by skill, our research team identified the insights and actions of those who routinely succeeded in

the face of failure and then combined them into a training program that we used to teach accountability to
hundreds of thousands of individuals worldwide. Eventually, in an effort to share these best practices
with as many people as possible, we wrote this book.

BUT WILL IT WORK FOR ME?
After decades of tireless research, we have now identified about two-dozen accountability skills that,

when used at the right time and delivered in the right fashion, separated positive deviants from everyone
else. The questions remaining were (1) when taught, would people actually use the skills, and (2) if they
did, would doing so yield better results?
The impact of teaching others the actions of positive deviants has been astounding. Of course, many

people simply read a few passages from our work and walk away, changing nothing. Others make a feeble
attempt to employ a skill or two, and to nobody’s surprise, they too fail to improve. But when individuals
(or even entire work groups or organizations) read, practice, and routinely use the best skills modeled by
positive deviants, the gains have been enormous.
For instance, after we spent a year teaching best practices at the manufacturing plant where

accountability was reported to have been lost, people started dealing with infractions in a direct and
professional way, and profitability increased by over $40 million a year. When asked how this had taken
place, the plant manager explained, “Our leaders now talk early on and solve problems before they grow
out of control—and they do so in a way that not only solves the problem but also strengthens the
relationship.”
After completing our first project in the “land of no accountability,” we worked in dozens of other

organizations where we were able to track the specific relationship between holding accountability
discussions and key performance indicators. Here are a few of our findings taken from VitalSmarts case
studies:

Hospitals that influence employees to embrace better ways of holding each other accountable for
protocol infractions, such as failing to wash on the way in and out of patients’ rooms, routinely move
from the typical 70 percent compliance rate to nearly a perfect score. (On two occasions, the post-
training scores were so high that compliance monitors doubted the results, repeated the analysis, and
found that indeed, after being taught specific methods and scripts for dealing with protocol violations,
hand-washing conformity reached nearly 100 percent.)

After turning the use of crucial accountability skills into new norms for employees of a large telecom
company, we found that an increase of 18 percent in the use of the skills corresponded with over 40
percent improvement in productivity.

When an IT group improved crucial accountability practices by 22 percent, quality improved over 30

percent, productivity climbed almost 40 percent, and costs plummeted almost 50 percent, all while
employee satisfaction swelled 20 percent.

A project with a large defense contractor revealed that for each 1 percent increase in the use of the
company’s crucial accountability skills, there was a $1,500,000 gain in productivity. Nine months after
beginning the training, employees improved 13 percent. You do the math.

Perhaps the most interesting finding came in the form of personal career success. We learned that in
order to find people who were good at holding others accountable, we simply needed to ask leaders
who their most valued employees were. Almost without exception the top-valued employees selected
by the leaders were positive deviants who had learned how to hold others accountable. Learn how to
hold others accountable, learn how to bring predictability and trust into an organization, and you’ll be
counted as one of your company’s most valued assets.

So if you want to peer out into the distant and murky future, stand on the shoulders of giants. If you want
to learn the skills routinely employed by individuals who effectively hold others accountable—and
equally important, enjoy the results that come from creating a culture of accountability—stand on the
shoulders of positive deviants. We (the authors) have seen enormous benefits in our own lives as we’ve
worked to turn insights gleaned from brilliant communicators into personal, lifelong habits.

ONE FINAL NOTE
We’ve taken the skills demonstrated by positive deviants and fashioned them into a Crucial

Accountability skill set that provides direction for the rest of this book. The skill set provides a pathway
for navigating accountability discussions before, during, and after the interaction takes place. It also helps
match action to circumstance, leading to a thoughtful, response-driven conversation rather than the rote
repeating of actions that come to mind after a lifetime of observing bad examples.
Have we piqued your interest?
It’s time to learn and embrace the skills of those talented positive deviants out there and infuse our

families, work groups, companies, and communities with the comforting predictability and relationship-
affirming trust that come with accountability.

Part One
Work on Me First

What to Do Before an Accountability Crucial Conversation

When we approach an accountability discussion, it’s important to know that we must work on ourselves
first. We can’t go in determined to “fix everyone else” and expect to get the results we’re really after. We
can only actually ever change ourselves.
That being said, remember that asking others to account for their actions lives and dies on the words

people choose and the way people deliver them. Those words, and particularly the way they are
delivered, live and die on what people think before they open their mouths. No amount of preparation can
save a conversation if the person who brings up the failed promise isn’t in the right frame of mind. Here’s
how those who master accountability discussions make sure their thoughts are in order before they put
their mouths in gear:

They make sure they are conversing about the right problems (Chapter 1, “Choose What and If”).

They make sure that the thoughts rushing around in their heads—their facts, stories, and emotions—help
them see the other person as a person rather than a villain. They learn to control their strong emotions
by revisiting the stories that caused them (Chapter 2, “Master My Stories”).

1

Choose What and If

How to Know What Conversation to Hold and If You Should Hold It

I made a Freudian slip last night. I called my husband by the name of my first boyfriend. It was
embarrassing.

I did the same sort of thing. I meant to say to my husband, “Please pass the potatoes,” but I said,
“Die, loser; you’ve ruined my life!”

Problems rarely come in tiny boxes—certainly not the issues we care about. Those come in giant
bundles. For instance, your boss promises you a raise and then recants. This is the second time he’s
promised you something only to go back on the promise, except this time he dropped the bomb in a
meeting, and so you couldn’t complain on the spot. When you stopped him in the hallway to bring up the
issue, he told you that he was in a hurry and said you should “stop being insensitive to my time demands.”
You asked if you could talk later, and he said, “Hey, I didn’t get the money I deserved either.”
Let’s try a home example. Your in-laws just walked in unannounced while you were eating dinner.

You’ve talked to them about giving you a heads-up, particularly if they plan on dropping in at dinnertime,
and they still prance in on a whim. What problem do you address?
You don’t have enough food to go around. That could be easy to discuss. They’ve repeatedly promised

they would notify you but are constantly breaking that agreement and losing your trust. That is likely to be
hard to bring up. Finally, after turning down your invitation to join you at the table, they pout and whimper
in the corner. That could be really difficult to confront.
In each of these cases, you’re left with two questions that you have to answer before you open your

mouth: What? and If? First, what violation or violations should you actually address? How do you
dismantle a bundle of accountability problems into its component parts and choose the one you want to
discuss? You have a lot to choose from, and you can’t talk about them all, at least not in one sitting.
Second, you have to decide if you’re going to say anything. Do you speak up and run the risk of causing a
whole new set of problems, or do you remain silent and run the risk of never solving the problem?
Let’s take these two questions one at a time. We’ll deal with the if question once we’ve resolved the

what question.

CHOOSING WHAT

The question of what you should discuss may be the most important concept we cover in this book.
When problems come in complicated bundles, and they often do, it’s not always easy to know which
problem or problems to address.
For example, a teenage daughter swears to her father she’ll be home from her first big date by midnight

but doesn’t come home until 1 a.m. Here’s the pressing question: What problem should he discuss?
“That’s easy,” you say. “She was late.” True, that’s one way to describe the problem.
Here are several other ways: She broke a promise. She violated her father’s trust. She drove her father

insane with fear that she had been killed in a car wreck. She purposely and willfully disobeyed a family
rule. She openly defied her father in an effort to break free of parental control. She was getting even with
her father for grounding her the weekend before. She knew it would drive her father bonkers if she stayed

out late with a guy who sports a dozen face perforations, and so she did that.
Although it’s true that the daughter walked in the door 60 minutes after curfew, this may not be the exact

and only problem her father wants to discuss. Here’s the added danger: if he selects the wrong problem
from this lengthy list of possible problems and handles it well, he may be left with the impression that
he’s done the right thing. However, if you want to follow the footsteps of our positive deviants, you have
to identify and deal with the right problem, or it will never go away. This still leaves us with this
question: What is the right problem?

Signs That You’re Dealing with the Wrong Problem

Your Solution Doesn’t Get You What You Really Want
To get a feel for how to choose the right problem, let’s look at an actual case we recently uncovered

during a training session for school principals. It’s from a grade school principal’s experience. During
recess a teacher notices the following interaction. Two second-grade girls are playing on the monkey
bars. As Maria pushes Sarah to hurry her along, Sarah shouts, “Don’t you ever touch me again, you dirty
little Mexican!” Maria counters with, “At least I’m not a big fatty!” This is the precipitating event.
The principal calls the children’s parents, describes what took place, and explains that the school will

be disciplining them. Maria’s parents are fine with the idea and thank the principal, and that’s the end of
the discussion. Sarah’s mother takes a different approach. She asks, “Exactly what form of discipline will
each child receive?” The principal explains that the discipline will suit the nature of the offense.
The next day Sarah’s mother shows up unannounced, catches the principal in the hallway, and

proclaims in loud and harsh tones that she doesn’t want the school to discipline her daughter. She’ll take
care of the discipline on her own. The principal explains that the school is bound by policy to take action.
In fact, tomorrow Sarah will be separated from her friends during lunch and required to take her meal in
the media room under the supervision of a teacher’s aide. That’s the prescribed discipline. Sarah’s mother
then announces that tomorrow she’ll be picking up her daughter for a private mommy-daughter lunch at a
nearby restaurant.
There are several problems in this scenario. When the principals in the training session hear about the

incident, many become emotional. “That’s an easy one to figure out,” some suggest. “You turn it over to
the district discipline committee. Besides, since there are racial issues involved here, you could get the
mother in trouble for interfering.” Of course, the goal here isn’t to cause the mother grief, so what should
the principal do?
As the principals settle down to discuss the problem in earnest, they bring to the surface an assortment

of issues: “First, there’s the problem of meddling. She has no right to ask about the other child’s
discipline. It’s a private matter.” “No, the bigger issue is that she is demanding to take away the school’s
right to discipline. That’s simply unacceptable.” “Plus the kid’s going to be rewarded with a special lunch
instead of being punished. Who wants that?” “How about the fact that the mother is rude and
manipulative? That can’t be good.”
Finally, one of the assistant principals brings up an issue that everyone seems to think is important:

“I’m worried that the parent and the school won’t be partnering in solving the problem. I’d want to work
with the mother to come up with a plan jointly. Otherwise, she might begin to characterize the school
officials as the enemy, and the child will soon agree.”
Once this important issue is highlighted as the main problem, a discussion can be held to resolve it, and

the principal can get what it is he or she really wants: a working partnership with the parent that will help
benefit the child. Solutions to any of the other problems would not have accomplished this, and people
would have remained frustrated.

So take note: if the solution you’re applying doesn’t get you the results you really want, it’s likely
you’re dealing with the wrong problem entirely.

You’re Constantly Discussing the Same Issue
Before we deal with the aggressive mother, let’s look at another problem. This time you’re working

with the owner of a real estate firm in a rural community.
“The woman who works the front desk is constantly coming to work late,” the owner explains.
“Have you talked to her?” you ask.
“Repeatedly” is the response.
“And then what happens?” you continue.
“She’s on time for a few days, maybe even a week, and then she starts coming in late again.”
“Then what do you say to her?”
“I tell her that she’s late and that I don’t like it.”
This situation presents a terrific example of what separates accountability experts from everyone else.

The owner has the courage to converse with the desk clerk. That separates him from the worst. However,
the fact that he returns to the same problem each time puts him far below top performers. This is an
indication that there is some other infraction that needs to be discussed: the front desk clerk isn’t living up
to her commitments, she’s disrespecting company policy, etc.

Groundhog Day

When people repeatedly violate an expectation, those who are the best at identifying and then
confronting the deviation redefine each instance with each new infraction. They don’t live the
wretched life of Phil Connors, the weatherman in the movie Groundhog Day. Those who observe
repeated infractions and discuss each new instance as if it were the first one live the same problem
(the same day) over and over, and nothing ever changes. Accountability experts never live
Groundhog Day. The first time a person is late, she’s late; the second time, she’s failed to live up to
her promise; the third time she’s starting down the road to discipline, etc.

In summary, if you find yourself having the same accountability discussion over and over again, it’s
likely there’s another, more important violation you need to address.

You’re Getting Increasingly Upset
As you continue your conversation with the realtor, you say, “Obviously, the fact that your clerk comes

in late is the behavior that catches your attention, and that’s what you talk to her about. But what is the real
issue here?”
“I’m not exactly sure. I do know that it’s starting to bug me a lot—more than it probably should.”
“Are you becoming more upset because the problem’s escalating?”
“Not really,” the broker responds hesitantly.
Finally, you ask, “When you’re angry enough to complain to your wife, coworkers, or best friend about

this repeated infraction, how do you describe it?”
A light goes on in the broker’s eyes as he excitedly states, “It’s killing me that she’s taking advantage of

our relationship. She’s my neighbor, she’s helped me out a lot, and now she doesn’t do what I ask because
she knows that I won’t discipline her since we’re good friends. At least that’s how it feels to me.”

That’s the violated expectation the broker needs to confront. He’s becoming increasingly upset with
each instance because he’s never dealt with the issue that is bothering him. Being late is the frozen tip
floating above the chilly waters. Taking advantage of a friendship is the iceberg itself.

Confronting the Right Issue
As you can see from these examples, learning how to get at the gist of an infraction requires time and

practice. Feeling pressured by time constraints and hyped up by emotions, most people miss the real deal.
It takes grade school assistant principals 20 minutes or more to discuss the assortment of challenges
presented in the case of the aggressive mother. In fact, most never come to the realization that it’s the lack
of cooperation that they probably ought to discuss. Many can’t get past their emotional reaction. They
want to stick it to the feisty mother, and, frankly, that’s exactly what many would do.
Along a similar vein, most parents who pace the floor nervously as a teenage daughter breaks curfew

can’t see beyond the hands of the clock, when in truth what really has them concerned is the fact that the
girl didn’t have the courtesy to call them, let them know she’d be late, and bring a merciful end to their
tortured worrying. Many don’t even realize that this is what is troubling them.
The ability to reduce an infraction to its bare essence takes patience, a sense of proportion, and

precision. First, you have to take the time to unbundle the problem. People are often in too much of a hurry
to do this. Their emotions propel them to move quickly, and speed rarely leads to careful thought. Second,
while sorting through the issues, you have to decide what is bothering you the most. If you don’t, you’ll
end up going after either the wrong target or too many targets. Third, you have to be concise. You have to
distill the issue to a single sentence. Lengthy descriptions of violated expectations only obscure the real
issue. If you can’t reduce a violation to a clear sentence before you talk, the issue almost never becomes
more understandable and focused as a conversation unfolds.

Helpful Tools to Get to the Right Conversation

Let’s say that despite your best efforts, you keep returning to the same infraction. Your emotions are
getting worse, not better, and in retrospect you believe that you’re choosing to talk about what’s easy,
convenient, or obvious but not what’s important. In short, you have every reason to believe that you’re
repeatedly dealing with the wrong issue. How do you turn this bad habit around? To hit the right target,
use the following tools.

Think CPR
This acronym can help give direction to an accountability discussion as well as eliminate Groundhog

Day. The first time an infraction occurs, talk about the content, what just happened: “You drank too much
at the luncheon, became inebriated, started talking too loud, made fun of our clients, and embarrassed the
company.” The content of a violated expectation typically deals with a single event—the here and now.
The next time the infraction occurs, talk pattern, what has been happening over time: “This is the

second time this has occurred. You agreed it wouldn’t happen again, and I’m concerned that I can’t count
on you to keep a promise.” Pattern issues acknowledge that problems have histories and that histories
make a difference. Frequent and continued violations affect the other person’s predictability and
eventually harm respect and trust.
Warning: It’s easy to miss the pattern and get sucked into debating content. For instance, your boss

repeatedly leaves your agenda items to the end of the meeting—meaning that they typically get
abbreviated or dropped altogether. You’ve spoken with her about it before. This time when you bring it
up, she explains how full the agenda was and how you need to be more flexible about urgent issues. If you
give in to that explanation, you’ve missed the point. Your concern is not today’s meeting (the content

issue); it’s the long-standing pattern. Sometimes the pattern sneaks up on you, and a new issue arises. You
point out the problem, and the other person begins to either rant or pout, something that’s starting to
happen a lot in your conversations with him or her. It’s becoming a pattern. Accountability savants notice
this pattern of behavior and find ways to address it before moving back to the original topic.
As the problem continues, talk about relationship, what’s happening to us. Relationship concerns are

far bigger than either the content or the pattern. The issue is not that other people have repeatedly broken
promises; it’s that the string of disappointments has caused you to lose trust in them: you’re beginning to
doubt their competency and doubt their promises, and this is affecting the way you treat one another: “This
is starting to put a strain on how we work together. I feel as if I have to nag you to keep you in line, and I
don’t like doing that. I guess my fear is that I can’t trust you to keep the agreements you make.”
If your real concern is around the relationship and you discuss only the pattern of behavior, you’re

likely to find yourself feeling dissatisfied with the outcome. Even worse, you’re likely to experience
Groundhog Day: you’ll have the same conversation again later. To understand the various kinds of
content, pattern, and relationship issues that routinely pop up during accountability discussions, consider
the following two factors: consequences and intentions. Each provides a distinct method for first
unbundling and then placing a priority on violated expectations.

Unbundling

Consequences
Accountability issues are almost never contained in the behavior of the offender. They’re much more

likely to be a function of what happens afterward. The problem lies in the consequences. For example, a
staff specialist who works for you has promised to complete a financial analysis by noon. She
miscalculates how long it will take and delivers the job to you three hours late.
The errant behavior, being late, is not the problem. What follows is. The fact that you might lose a

client is what really bothers you. Or maybe it’s the fact that this is the third time this person has let you
down and you’re beginning to wonder if you can count on her. Or perhaps it’s the fact that you now may
have to watch this person more closely, costing you precious time and making her feel micromanaged.
Each of these responses is a consequence of the original act and helps unbundle the problem.
When you want to clarify the focus of your accountability discussion, stop and ask yourself, “What are

the consequences to me? To our relationship? To the task? To other stakeholders?” Analyzing the
consequences helps you determine what is most important to discuss.

Intentions
Let’s move the analysis in another direction. A fellow you work with is causing you a problem. He

cheerfully promised to format a report you created, and then, instead of giving it to you, he handed it
directly to your boss. What was he thinking? Actually, you have a theory. You believe that his intentions
were selfish (he was trying to take credit); at least, this is the conclusion you’ve drawn.
Let’s be clear about this. You’ve drawn this conclusion not as a thoughtless knee-jerk reaction, as is

often the case, but as the result of mounting evidence. You’ve examined the action, you’ve weighed the
particulars, and you are starting to believe the person’s intentions are indeed bad. When this happens, the
behavior isn’t the problem, at least not the big one. What came before the person acted is the challenge
here, at least in your mind. It’s the issue you ought to discuss. You have to talk about intentions.
The good news is that we address intentions all the time. Consider the father who was upset with his

daughter for coming in late because she was punishing him for having grounded her. It wasn’t the fact that
she had been late that made him upset—at least not totally—it was her perceived intention that was giving

him fits: “She’s doing it on purpose just to cause me grief.” The realtor believed that the front desk clerk
was intentionally playing on their friendship to get away with coming in late. Once again, it was her
perceived intent that bothered him.
Whether the father and the realtor are correct in their assessments will remain unknown until they hold

an accountability discussion and share their suspicions. Of course, deciding how they’ll confront such a
delicate issue isn’t easy. These are invisible motives we’re talking about. We’re drawing conclusions
about another person’s unseen intent. (We’ll discuss the common stories we tell ourselves in later
chapters.) Nevertheless, the conclusions the two have drawn about others’ underlying intent has them
bothered, and these are the issues they’ll need to talk about eventually.

Prioritizing

Ask What You Do and Don’t Want
As you begin to unbundle the component parts of a violated expectation—examining the precipitating

intentions and the consequences—the list of component parts can grow so large that you may not know
where to begin. What’s the “real” issue, or at least the most important one?
The best tool for choosing from the host of possible infractions is to ask what you really want and don’t

want. And since you’re talking to another person, you ought to ask what you want for yourself, for the
other person, and for the relationship. If you don’t think about all three of these essential aspects, one may
take a backseat, and you won’t solve your most important issue.
Consider the case of the two second-grade girls. Most people struggle with what to say to Sarah’s

mother until someone asks: “What do you want to have happen with Sarah? What don’t you want to have
happen?” You do want Sarah to be disciplined. You don’t want to start a battle with her mother and make
choices that limit Sarah’s educational options. You don’t want to send her to a new school just to show
her mother who’s in charge.
As far as you yourself are concerned, you want to be able to hold Sarah accountable. Policy demands

that you take action, and even if you could look the other way, you’d be giving tacit approval to a nasty
behavior. You don’t want that. When it comes to the relationship, you want to be able to collaborate with
Sarah’s mother to come up with the proper type of discipline. You don’t want the daughter to receive
mixed messages. So what do you say? What is the problem you want to discuss? “I’m afraid we’re
sending Sarah the wrong message when we argue over the form the discipline should take.”
To decide what to confront:

Think CPR—content, pattern, and relationship.

Expand the list of possible issues by considering consequences and intent.

Choose from the list by asking what you do and don’t want: for yourself, others, and the relationship.

An Application

Let’s apply these concepts to a real case. Your two preteen kids were invited to go to a drive-in movie
with their friends who live down the street. You gave them permission to stay up late and you popped
popcorn for them, and your children are now so excited that they can hardly see straight. Then the parents
who will be taking the kids to the movie drive up to your house in their pickup truck. Their two children
are seated in the truck bed, and your kids quickly join them. You have a strict family rule about not riding
in the back of a pickup, particularly one that will be driving at freeway speed to get to the movie. Your
spouse feels as strongly about the safety issue as you do.

You start to raise your safety concerns, and your neighbor calls you a “fussbudget” and a “worrywart.”
Before you can respond, your spouse cuts you off and tries to smooth over the issue by saying to the father
who is driving, “You’re going to be extra careful, right? Those kids in the back are pretty precious
cargo!” The driver says not to worry and pulls off as your kids squeal in delight.
You’re furious. What do you say to your spouse? Your first inclination is to talk about the danger. But

that ship has sailed, well, sort of rumbled, off into the sunset. Although you’ll return to the issue later,
when your kids are around (they’re aware of the dangers of getting into the truck), you think that maybe
you should talk about the fact that this is the second time your spouse has backed off on a family value
under pressure. That’s a new challenge—backing off a value (not just safety)—and it’s a pattern. Then
again, what really has you miffed is the fact that your spouse cut you off as you were raising the safety
issue with your neighbor. You think that your spouse’s intention was cockeyed. It was more important to
look “cool” than to ensure the safety of your children.
As you think about it, you ask yourself what you want and don’t want. You want the kids to be safe—

that’s a given—but once again, you’ll talk about that issue as a group. You want to be able to express
concerns without being cut off or dismissed. You want your spouse to be able to talk about the issue
without making you feel attacked. You don’t want the discussion to turn into a fight. As far as your
relationship is concerned, you want to stand as a unified front when it comes to safety. And then you put
your finger on the real kicker. The pattern you are concerned about is your spouse unintentionally taking
away your vote in these key decisions. Yes, that’s it! It’s when your spouse announces a decision publicly
without ensuring that you’re in agreement.
You decide to talk about making commitments (especially those that deviate from values such as safety)

without each other’s buy-in. You want to find a way to always stand together when faced with outside
pressures, and safety is certainly not an exception. That’s the big issue.

DECIDE IF

Let’s move on to the if question. You’ve unbundled the violation, picked the issue you care about the
most, and reduced it to a clear sentence, and now you’re ready. You’re going to hold an accountability
discussion with the other person. Or are you? The mere fact that you’ve identified the problem you’d like
to discuss doesn’t mean you should discuss it. Sometimes it’s better to consider the consequences before
deciding whether to bring up the issue.
For instance, your teenage son walks in the door with his hair cut in a Mohawk. He loves it. You hate it.

He thinks it’s all the rage. You think it’s a sign of rebellion. Do you lay down the law or back off? Maybe
you’re out of touch with what is normal and what isn’t. Haranguing your son until he opts for a new style
might do little more than widen the rift that seems to be growing between the two of you. Maybe you
shouldn’t say anything. Maybe you should expand your zone of acceptance.
Let’s consider an example from work. Your boss is combative in meetings. She verbally attacks

arguments by raising her voice and labeling ideas “stupid” or “naive” and often looks disgusted. She also
disagrees with almost everything and cuts people off midsentence. At first her tactics bothered you, but
you came to appreciate the fact that at least it was clear where she stood on issues. Therefore, you said
nothing. Today she questioned your loyalty and insulted you in front of your peers. That was going too far.
Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should shrink your zone of acceptance.
As these examples demonstrate, there are no simple rules that dictate which violated expectations are

trivial, which are consequential, and which you should deal with. Usually when someone breaks a
promise, you talk about it—circumstances demand that you talk, and you do—but not always. So what are
the rules?

When It’s Clearly a Broken Promise

In organizations there are reports, goals, performance indicators, quality scorecards, budget variances,
and a boatload of other metrics that clearly show a difference between what was expected and what was
delivered. These failed promises represent clear opportunities to hold an accounting. And since they’re
routine, they’re probably fairly easy to discuss.
At home there are also clear indicators: “You promised me we’d go out to dinner.” “You told me you

would be home for my birthday.” These too are routine issues that are easily discussed.

When It’s Unclear and Iffy

But what if the infractions are ambiguous or if discussing them could get you in trouble? You’re not
sure if the infraction is a problem and if bringing up the issue might lead to a raging battle, a harmed
relationship, a lost job, or something equally frightening.
How do you know if you should address broken promises that are not so clear and not so promising?
To answer this all-important if question, let’s divide the challenge into two camps: First, how do you

know if you’re not speaking up when you should? Second, how do you know if you are speaking up when
you shouldn’t?

Not Speaking When You Should
Let’s start with a simple premise. As was evidenced in our line-cutting research and the numerous

studies that followed, more often than not, we don’t speak up when we should. Sure, sometimes we bring
up an issue at the wrong time or in the wrong way, but that’s not the predominant mistake made in most
families and companies. Going to silence is the prominent issue in these situations.
To help diagnose whether you’re clamming up when you should be speaking up, ask the following four

questions:

Am I acting out my concerns?

Is my conscience nagging me?

Am I choosing the certainty of silence over the risk of speaking up?

Am I telling myself that I’m helpless?

Am I Acting Out My Concerns?
Let’s say you’ve observed a broken commitment at work. Several members of the technical support

team aren’t keeping an eight-to-five work schedule. Instead, they’re working flex-time. They often arrive
late and then work past closing. This bugs you because they agreed to stick to the posted schedule. After
thinking about it, you decide that maybe being a stickler isn’t such a good idea. They’re putting in the
hours, and there’s no need to rock the boat. You’re still bugged because they broke their word and it feels
like they’re acting like prima donnas, but you’re not going to say a word.
Holding your tongue probably isn’t going to work in this case. If the broken commitment is really

bothering you, you’re unlikely to be a good enough actor to hide your feelings. You may try to choke your
feelings down, but eventually they’ll bubble up to the surface in unhealthy ways. If you don’t talk it out,
you’ll act it out.
An actor named John LaMotta taught us this concept. We had hired him to play the role of a manager in

a training video we were producing. During rehearsals he kept turning the rather harmless opening line
into an attack. Later we learned that he had assumed that the person he was working with was a “dipstick”
because he hadn’t done his job. Consequently, no matter how we directed John (telling him to soften his
delivery, drop the anger, etc.), he treated the fellow with disdain. John didn’t stray from the written script,
but his negative assumptions found their way into his nonverbal behavior: first his tone, then a smirk, then
a raised fist, and so forth. When the director finally told John that the fellow was a hard worker whom
everyone liked, John delivered his lines spot-on. He couldn’t change his actions until he changed his
mind.
Paul Ekman,1 a scholar who has studied facial expressions and emotions for 30 years, came to the same

conclusion. When people try to hide their feelings or “put on” an emotion, Ekman found they use different
groups of muscles than they use to express authentic feelings. For example, authentic smiles of joy involve
the muscles surrounding the eyes; false or social smiles bypass the eyes completely. And other people can
tell. You can’t hide your real emotions.
There’s more. When you observe a broken commitment, feel bad about it, and then decide to say

nothing, your feelings don’t manifest themselves only in your facial expressions and other nonverbal
behaviors; they also escape in the form of biting sarcasm, cutting humor, or surprising non sequiturs. For
instance, while seated across from his mother at the dinner table, a 29-year-old chronically unemployed
son politely tells her that she has “a hunk of lasagna” on her chin. Mom responds with, “Oh, yeah? When I
was your age, I had two jobs.” Guess what has been annoying her?
When you’ve gone silent, but your body language keeps sending out hostile signals or you’re dropping

hints or relying on sarcasm, you probably ought to speak up.

What Are We Thinking?

Why do we ever set aside pressing problems—hoping they’ll somehow get better? It’s like finding
a tub of rancid cottage cheese in the fridge, setting it on the kitchen counter for a couple of days, and
then thinking, “Gee, I wonder if it’ll taste any better now.”

Is My Conscience Nagging Me?
Sometimes you don’t hold others accountable because you feel isolated. You see a problem but fear that

you’re the only one who cares. No one else shows signs of anxiety. “Now what am I supposed to do?”
you wonder. “Why aren’t my healthcare colleagues concerned that we’re not washing our hands long
enough?” “How come my fellow accountants are looking the other way when our biggest client violates
standard practices?” “How come my neighbors, spouse, and kids don’t think riding in the bed of a pickup
is dangerous?” Even though you’re worried—your conscience is nagging you a little—you say nothing.
As we suggested in the Introduction, the fact that people often remain silent despite their best judgment

has been studied extensively. In addition to the studies we cited, Solomon Asch2 created conditions in
which people wouldn’t just remain silent when they believed they were at odds with their peers; they
actually lied rather than disagree with them. Stanley Milgram3 replaced peers with authority figures and
was able to manipulate the subjects to do more than lie. He got people to shock others to the point where
they worried that they might have killed the other persons rather than disagree with the individual in the
white lab jacket.
Peer pressure coupled with formal authority can compel people to act against their best judgment.

Here’s how it affects accountability discussions: if social pressure can cause people to lie, it can

certainly drive people to silence. Pay attention to a nagging conscience—it may be indicating a
conversation that you need to step up to.

When you’ve gone to silence and your conscience is nagging you, you probably ought to speak up.

Am I Choosing the Certainty of Silence over the Risk of Speaking Up?
When it comes to deciding whether we’re going to speak up, we kid ourselves into making the same

mental math errors. We choose the certainty of what is currently happening to us (no matter how awful it
may be) over the uncertainty of what might happen if we said something. This of course drives us to
silence, quietly embracing the devil we know, when there’s a good chance that we really should have
spoken up. Here’s how this insidious dynamic works.
When we’re trying to figure out if we should speak up, we often envision a horrific failure and

immediately decide to go to silence. Then we look for reasons to justify the choice to say nothing. Our
reasoning takes place in the following way. We first ask ourselves, “Can I succeed in this conversation?”
We don’t ask, “Should I try?” Instead, we ask, “Can I succeed?” When the answer to the internal query is
a resounding no, we decide that we shouldn’t try.
Accountability experts take the opposite approach. Only after they’ve decided that the conversation

should be held do they ask the question, “How can I do this? Better still, how can I do this well?” If we
reverse the order, starting with can and not should, we almost always sell out. We decide to clam up and
then justify our inaction.
Our two favorite silence-driving math tricks are (1) downplaying the cost of not speaking and (2)

exaggerating the cost of expressing our views.

Downplaying the Cost of Not Speaking
Here’s how we minimize in our own minds the cost of continuing to tolerate the status quo. First, we

look exclusively at what’s happening to us in the moment rather than at the total effect. A professor is
boring, unfair, and outdated, but why rock the boat? We’ll survive, right? Never mind the fact that
thousands of students will be affected over the next two decades of that professor’s career.
Second, we underestimate the severity of the existing circumstances because we become inured to the

consequences we’re suffering. With time and constant exposure we come to believe that our wretched
conditions are common and therefore acceptable. We continue to work for authoritarian bosses, stay
married to people who physically and mentally abuse us, and work alongside people who ignore and
insult us because we tell ourselves that it’s not really that bad. It’s just how things are.
Third, as was suggested earlier, we can’t see our own bad behavior when we fail to maintain silence.

For example, we think we’re silently suffering under the thumb of a micromanager. In actuality, we act
offended when the boss asks for details. We say we know how to do the job, cutting her off when she tries
to offer a suggestion. We defiantly choose to do something our way. We miss the fact that our own
behavior has degraded. In this case we don’t merely downplay the cost of silence—we miss it entirely.

Exaggerating the Cost of Expressing Our Views
Let’s look at how we routinely overestimate the costs we might experience if we did talk about a

broken promise. Human beings are downright gifted when it comes to conjuring up bad things that just
might happen to them. In fact, when contemplating what we may be setting into action by opening our
mouths, we often imagine (and then get obsessed about) appalling outcomes no matter how unlikely they
may be. When we trump up a horrible chain of events, we use lots of “and” thinking, only the wrong kind

of “and” thinking. Here’s how it works:

The boss has asked us all to chip in 20 bucks to buy a present for a vice president we don’t even
know. That’s a certainty, and it’s bad. None of us want to do it. But if I speak up, I won’t win the
argument, and I’ll still have to come up with the money, and my boss will despise me, and I’ll lose
my job, and my wife will leave me.

We lose all sense of reality when we fixate on the horrific possibilities that might befall us. The
severity of the possible outcomes distorts our view of the probabilities. If an unlikely outcome is bad
enough, we often describe it as a certainty rather than a possibility.
Perhaps the largest error we make in exaggerating the cost of confronting an issue stems from the

erroneous belief that the existing world always punishes people who are naive enough to speak their
minds. We’ve watched people speak up and get punished for their honesty and find it hard to imagine any
other possibility. In fact, when the authors suggest in public forums that this book teaches people how to
talk to almost anyone no matter how touchy and powerful that person may be—and with good results—
people think we’re fooling ourselves: “Maybe the pumpkin wagon you just fell off allows you to speak
honestly and boldly to the driver, but our driver carries a whip and loves to use it.”
At first we wondered if the skills we had seen demonstrated so often wouldn’t work in certain

instances, and so we started asking, “Are you saying that there is nobody in your company who could talk
about this particular issue or person and get away with it?” After an awkward pause, someone would
name an individual who didn’t have the position power that granted him or her the right to speak but
somehow found ways to talk quite frankly and not get into trouble.
When you’ve gone to silence and are trying way too hard to convince yourself that you’ve done the

right thing, you might want to examine whether you are intentionally minimizing the cost of not speaking
up and exaggerating the risks of doing so. Did you start with a desire not to speak up and back into a
justification, or did you arrive there after careful consideration? Learn to notice the difference, and you’ll
do a much better job of deciding if you should talk to someone about an issue.

Am I Telling Myself That I’m Helpless?
At the heart of most decisions to stay quiet, even though we’re currently suffering, lies the fear that we

won’t be able to make a difference. We believe that either other people or the circumstances themselves
make the problem insoluble. That puts the issue out of our control. It’s not us; it’s them: “Have you ever
tried to talk to that guy? He’s a maniac!” “Have you ever attempted to tell a senior executive that she
doesn’t really know how to do her job? Like that’s going to work.”
The truth is that many accountability discussions fail not because others are bad and wrong but because

we handle them poorly. It’s our fault. We decide to step up to a failed promise and subtly attack the other
person. He or she then gets hooked, and we’re now in a heated battle. Naturally, we see the other person
getting hooked but miss the part we played in escalating the problem by doing such a shoddy job of
bringing it up in the first place.
We’re like the young boy who refused to see his role in an argument by explaining to his mother, “It all

started when he hit me back!”
Even when we do see the role we’re playing in a problem by owning up to the fact that our

accountability skills aren’t that great, we often act as if we were as talented as we’re ever going to be.
We’ve peaked; we’ll never get better. We make this assumption because most of us aren’t exactly students
of social influence. We’ve spent more time memorizing the capitals of Europe than we have examining the
intricacies of human interaction. We rarely think of accountability skills as something that a person should

and can learn through actual study. But as this book asserts, these skills can be learned and improved.
When you’ve gone to silence because you’re afraid you’re not skilled enough to have an accountability

discussion, your assessment may be correct. If this is the case, enhance your skills. There’s no use
suffering forever. Be careful not to let fear taint your judgment. You may have the skills to deal with a
particular issue but are letting your fear keep you from speaking up. When you’re thinking about going to
silence, ask yourself if you’re copping out rather than making a reasoned choice.

Responding to the Signs
Let’s summarize the clues that you’re hastily going to silence and explore what to do with them. Telltale

signs that you should be speaking and not clamming up include the following four:

Sign 1. You’re acting out your feelings. You think you’re suffering silently, but you’re not. To spot this
mistake, ask yourself the following: “Am I really expanding my zone of acceptance, or am I actually
upset and sending out a barrage of unhealthy signals? Are others getting hooked?” If this is the case,
you’re probably not suffering silently but are acting out your concerns and making matters worse. Your
nonverbal behavior is already speaking for you. Consider taking charge of the conversation instead.

Sign 2. Your conscience is nagging you. You keep telling yourself that it’s okay to say nothing—besides,
other people aren’t saying a word—but you know in your gut that you need to say something. Listen to
that voice. It’s telling you to step up to the plate. Take the internal prodding as a sign that your silence
isn’t warranted.

Sign 3. You’re downplaying the cost of not taking action (embracing the devil you know) while
exaggerating the dangers of speaking up. You’re trying way too hard to persuade yourself to stay away
from an accountability discussion because you fear it will be painful. Don’t confuse the question of
whether the conversation will be difficult with the question of whether you should deal with it.

Sign 4. You figure that nothing you do will help. Either others are impossible to talk to, or you’ve
already achieved the height of your accountability prowess. In truth, the problem is less often that
others are impossible to approach than that we aren’t sure how to approach them. The authors have
watched people deal with some of the most difficult problems and succeed because they knew what to
say and how to say it. If you improve your skills—even just a little—you’ll choose silence far less
often and succeed far more routinely.

Speaking Up When You Shouldn’t
Let’s turn our attention to the other side of the if coin. You confront a problem that in retrospect you

probably shouldn’t have dealt with in the first place. This seems to contradict what we just discussed, but
it’s true. There are times when it’s better not to bring up a problem or at least not to do so until you’ve
done some preparatory work.
Often, when you’ve weighed the consequences of speaking up, it is a better option to remain silent. For

example, you’ve had difficulty working with a certain vendor and the process could have been much
cleaner, but you were working on a one-time-only project and probably won’t ever see the vendor again.
In this case, it may be better to avoid rehashing an issue that will never come up again.
Here’s the biggest stumbling block: problem solving is never done in a vacuum. Every company and

family has an unwritten history that indicates which infractions are appropriate to deal with and which
ones a person should let slide. All expectations, contracts, protocols, policies, and promises aren’t

equally binding. Worse, in some organizations people aren’t held accountable for delivering on any
promises, or at least accountability is unpredictable.

Differentiate Yourself
Sometimes erratic approaches to accountability stem from the fact that leaders take the path of least

resistance. It isn’t fun to hold people accountable; besides, nobody’s taught them much about it.
Sometimes people hold back their concerns out of sympathy for the fact that everyone is assigned far more
than he or she can ever do, and so it feels almost cruel to hold people accountable.

Whatever the underlying cause, if you’re going to break from tradition and elevate a standard that
had been nothing more than a rough guideline to a hard-and-fast law, people should know. You have
to issue a fair warning. You have to reset others’ expectations, and you have to do it in a way that
doesn’t look smug.

For example, one day Kerry, one of the authors of this book, put on his new Coast Guard dress uniform
in preparation for standing watch. He was going to take his turn as the officer of the day (OD) at a training
center in California where he had been newly assigned. He would be in charge of the watch.
The watch consisted of a couple of dozen “coasties” who had to remain on the base all night and “stand

a post.” They would sit in the barracks, motor pool, or boathouse and watch for any problems that might
come up, including fires. Leaving one’s post, Kerry had learned weeks earlier in officer training, could
get a person brought up on charges.
Imagine Kerry’s surprise later that evening when he caught wind that several of the men on duty were

actually at the club chatting with their buddies rather than standing their posts and watching for whatever.
Fortunately, before Kerry could march down and catch those fellows red-handed, leading to a great deal
of pain and sorrow, a senior enlisted man took him aside and pointed out a couple of facts. First, lots of
people on watch hung out at the club; nobody really cared. Second, several of Kerry’s fellow officers
were known to go down to the club and chat, throw darts, and otherwise turn a blind eye to the fact that
some members of the duty crew weren’t at their posts. If Mr. Patterson wanted to make a stink, there
would not be a horde of adoring fans hoisting him on their shoulders to honor his vigilance.
What should Kerry do? He didn’t like the idea of making rules and then not keeping them, and he

certainly had the authority to write people up. However, if other officers had been turning a blind eye to
regulations for a long time and now without notice Kerry, the new kid on the block, blindsided people
with a charge of disobedience, it could seem unfair. The fact that you have legal standing doesn’t mean
that you’ll gain the support of the larger community.
After seeking the counsel of his boss, Kerry decided to take the following tack. He wouldn’t run, and he

wouldn’t blow the whistle (there was nobody to listen, and most people didn’t care), and so he decided to
strike a compromise. He let it be known that he appreciated the fact that other people had different
opinions on the matter, but he didn’t want people to leave their posts. When he was the OD, he would be
checking the various posts to ensure that they were being watched. He then told a dozen or more opinion
leaders about his stance and asked them to spread the word so that there wouldn’t be any surprises. That
was the end of the problem. Nobody left his post on Kerry’s watch.
If you’re going to speak up when others remain silent, if you’re going to hold people to a standard that

differs from that of the masses, get the word out. Send out a warning. Differentiate yourself from others.
This is particularly wise advice for those moving into new positions of leadership, parents taking over
blended families, etc.

No “Nanner-Nanner”
Over the years, as the authors have worked with thousands of leaders, they occasionally have run into

people who are proud of the fact that they are the only ones who have the guts to hold people to quality
guidelines, safety standards, cost-cutting goals, and the like. Others may remain quiet while quality
crashes or costs spiral out of control, but not on their watch. Others may bolt at the first signs of
resistance, but they hold the line.
With time we have come to understand that while being true to one’s values may be noble, if you do so

in a way that dishonors your peers (making fun of the less vigilant, bragging about your own commitment,
etc.), you’re upholding one value only to deny another: teamwork. Along a similar vein, parents who
piously set a new standard, all the while making fun of a partner who isn’t as discriminating as they are,
do so at the peril of their children’s mental health. Inconsistency breeds insecurity.
If you’re going to differentiate yourself from your spouse or coworkers by holding people to a more

rigid standard, don’t be smug about it. Set expectations in a way that shows respect for people with
different views. This may be a real test of your appreciation for diversity. You believe that people who
hold individuals to a less rigid standard than you do are different—not spineless wimps who are slowly
eating away at the very soul of civilization. There’s a huge difference between saying “I’m going to ask
you to do something even if others don’t” and saying “I don’t care what the other lily-livered losers are
doing.”

CHAPTER SUMMARY

Choose What and If
We’ve started with the principle “work on me first.” We’ve learned that before we utter a word, we

have to start by asking what accountability discussion to hold and if we should hold it.

What and If

What. The first time someone violates an expectation, talk about the original action or the content. If the
violation continues, talk about the pattern. As the impact spills over to how you relate to one another,
talk about your relationship. To help pick the right level, explore what came after the behavior (the
consequences) as well as what came before it (the intent). As the list of potential infractions expands,
cut to the heart of the matter by asking what you really do want and don’t want—for yourself, the other
person, and the relationship.

If. To determine if you’re wrongly going to silence, ask four questions: “Am I acting it out?” “Is my
conscience nagging me?” “Am I choosing the certainty of silence over the risk of speaking up?” “Am I
telling myself that I’m helpless?” To determine if you’re wrongly speaking up, ask if the social system
will support your effort. If you are committed to speak up while others continue to say nothing,
differentiate yourself.

What’s Next?

Once you’ve decided to hold others accountable, you have to make sure that you yourself are in the

right frame of mind. You have to work on yourself first. This isn’t always easy, especially when the other
person has let you down. There’s a good chance that you’ll charge in with an accusation. This takes us to
the next chapter. Before you ever open your mouth, how do you tell a more complete and full story of
what’s going on—one that’s more conducive to a healthy discussion than the all-too-common question,
“What’s wrong with those bozos?”

2

Master My Stories
How to Get Your Head Right Before Opening Your Mouth

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than
you is a maniac.

—GEORGE CARLIN

Anyone who has ever held others accountable realizes that a person’s behavior during the first few
seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows. You have no more than a sentence or
two to establish the climate. If you set the wrong tone or mood, it’s hard to turn things around. In fact, a
bad beginning might ensure a poor ending.
This can be troublesome, because when someone breaks a commitment or behaves badly, the last thing

we’re thinking about is the climate we’re about to establish. More often than not, we’re completely
immersed in the details of what just happened. And if that doesn’t consume all our time and attention, our
emotions eat up anything that’s left. Consider the following example.

HANG THE GEARHEADS!

Imagine that you’re part of an overworked, stressed-out management team that’s sitting around a table
large enough to double as an airport runway, discussing what it’ll take to finish a development project.
The phone rings. The quality manager picks it up, carries on a heated discussion, and then slams the phone
back onto its cradle.
“It’s final assembly. The software we just completed is giving them fits,” she says with a look typically

associated with the act of biting the head off a chicken.
“Oh great! The software is glitchy!” shouts the vice president of development.
Within seconds the entire leadership team is complaining about the unorthodox, selfish, weird software

testers. Then the team members arise as one and start marching toward the testing department. Since
you’ve worked with this team for only a month, you aren’t sure what’s going on.
As the team members hustle down the hallway, the operations manager explains that the software is

supposed to be tested and retested before it’s sent on to final assembly. Otherwise, it often causes
problems, and expensive ones at that.
“The stupid gearheads only have to run a simple testing package. That way they can catch problems

early on and we never send software on to final assembly, where it can cause costly delays.”
“Why didn’t they run the tests?” you ask.
“That’s what we’re about to find out,” answers the senior VP as the vein on his forehead swells to the

size of a mop handle. He and the other leaders charge down the hall like a band of white-collar vigilantes,
and you think to yourself, “This is about to turn ugly.”

Behold, a Train Wreck

Obviously, this group has a checkered history with the people it’s about to accost. The managers are
feeling morally superior and are about to create a nasty scene. Of course, in many companies, interactions
may not get that heated. The tone may be softer, the language less brutal, and the threats more veiled (less

punitive folks rely more on cold stares, sarcasm, and pointed humor), but the results are probably the
same. Employees fail to deliver on a promise, and the bosses jump to a conclusion and jump hard.
What makes these accountability discussions interesting is that the underlying cause doesn’t really

matter. If leaders start out with strong emotions, believing that they are on the moral high road, the
interaction is likely to turn out badly for everyone regardless of the underlying cause.
The scene continues as the managers rush in like so many deputies preparing for a lynching. They catch

the programmers checking out a “cool new website with a free game download” and then do what one
might expect: They snarl at the guilty testers, call them unflattering names, threaten them with discipline,
curse them, and pretty much throw a group hissy fit.
This ugly battle rages until the information technology manager, who just walked into the building,

hears about what’s happening to “his people” and rallies to the testers’ defense. A full-fledged shouting
match ensues. It’s not long before the IT manager is accusing the rest of the management team of treating
the programmers with disrespect, making false accusations, and using offensive language.
The managers are now so angry that they could spit. They’ve caught the weasels red-handed—they

really had messed up—and their colleague, the IT manager, has the nerve to be pointing a finger at the
management team. Has the world gone completely mad? It takes days for this incident to settle down, and
everyone ends up with egg on his or her face. Everyone.

The Hazardous Half Minute

We used to call the first 30 seconds of an accountability discussion the hazardous half minute because
the overall climate and eventual results are often set in place in seconds. We were wrong. The climate
isn’t set in the first 30 seconds; it just becomes visible in that time frame. We establish the climate the
moment we assume that the other person is guilty and begin feeling angry and morally superior. It takes
only a moment to send an accountability discussion down the wrong track, and it all takes place inside our
heads. Here’s what this looks like:

Another person violates a commitment, and, as a result, we’re propelled to action. Here’s the path we
take: We see what that person did and then tell ourselves a story about why he or she did it, which leads
to a feeling, which leads to our own actions. If the story is unflattering and the feeling is anger, adrenaline
kicks in. Under the influence of adrenaline, blood leaves our brains to help support our genetically
engineered response of “fight or flight,” and we end up thinking with the brain of a reptile. We say and do
dim-witted things.
Under these circumstances we come to some of the most ignorant conclusions imaginable. For instance,

a fellow comes home from a long road trip and is feeling amorous, but his wife isn’t. Soon he’s pacing
around and muttering to himself. Finally, here’s the plan his blood-starved brain comes up with: “I’ve got
it. I’ll try to woo her with a sarcastic comment or two.” Oddly enough, insensitive sarcasm doesn’t seem
to do anything to soften his wife’s mood.
Consider the software development leaders. First came the observation: the software isn’t working.

Next came the story: the testers didn’t run the final tests because they don’t like doing them; in fact, they
live in their own little world and don’t care what happens to others. Then came the feeling of anger,
followed by a fierce and futile attack. This entire path to action—the jump from observation, to story, to
feeling, to action—takes but a moment and sets the tone for everything that follows.

THE PROBLEM: TELLING UGLY STORIES

Is it possible that everyday people with an IQ higher than that of a houseplant could be so hasty,
judgmental, and unfair? Aren’t most of us more careful, scientific, and thoughtful? In a word, no. We may
not be as blatantly abusive as the managers in the software case, but when we face high-stakes problems,
we’re just as likely to come up with an unflattering story and act on it as if it were true.

Jumping to Conclusions and Making Assumptions

How can this be? During the 1950s and 1960s, scholars conducted a lengthy series of research projects
known as attribution studies. Their goal was to learn how normal people determine the cause of a
problem. To uncover the thought pattern, they provided subjects with descriptions of people engaging in
socially unacceptable behavior (a woman steals cash from a coworker, a father yells at his children, a
neighbor cuts in front of you in the checkout line) and then asked the subjects, “Why did that person do
such a thing?”
It turns out that people aren’t all that good at attributing causality accurately. We quickly jump to

unflattering conclusions. The chief error we make is a simple one: we assume that people do what they do
because of personality factors (mostly motivational) alone. Why did that woman steal from a coworker?
She’s dishonest. Why did that man yell at his children? He’s mean. Why did the programmers fail to
conduct a test? They’re arrogant, lazy, and selfish.
How can we be so simplistic and inaccurate? Most of the time human beings employ what is known as

a dispositional rather than a situational view of others. We argue that people act the way they do because
of uncontrollable personality factors (their disposition) as opposed to doing what they do because of
forces in their environment (the situation).
We make this attribution error because when we look at others, we see their actions far more readily

than we see the forces behind them. In contrast, when considering our own actions, we’re acutely aware
of the forces behind our choices. Consequently, we believe that others do bad things because of
personality flaws whereas we do bad things because the devil made us do them.
In truth, people often enact behaviors they take no joy in because of social pressure, lack of other

options, or any of a variety of forces that have nothing to do with personal pleasure. For example, the
woman stole because she needed money to buy medicine for her children. Your neighbor cut in line at the
market because he was tending to his two toddlers and didn’t notice that he wasn’t taking his turn. Your
half cousin was hauled off to jail for holding up a convenience store partly because of greed; then again,
maybe the slow and painful failure of his business contributed too.

The Fundamental Attribution Error

Assuming that others do contrary things because it’s in their makeup or they actually enjoy doing
them and then ignoring any other potential motivational forces is a mistake. Psychologists classify
this mistake as an attribution error. And because it happens so consistently across people, times, and
places, it gets a name all its own. It’s called the fundamental attribution error.

Naturally, when we spot an infraction, we don’t always conclude that the other person is bad and

wrong and wants to make us suffer. For instance, a dear and trustworthy friend is supposed to pick you up
at the dentist’s office and drive you home. She’s 30 minutes late. “What’s going on?” you wonder. Your
first thoughts turn to a traffic jam or an accident. You’re worried.
However, if the person has caused you problems in the past, you may jump to a different conclusion.

Say she’s often been unreliable. Maybe she constantly criticizes you. Worse still, you’re standing in the
pouring rain while your head is pounding with a migraine.
Under adverse conditions people more readily make the fundamental attribution error. During

accountability discussions, the fundamental attribution error is as predictable as gravity: “She’s late
because she’s self-centered. She doesn’t care about me. Just wait until she gets here!” The more tainted
the history is and the more severe the consequences are, the more likely we are to assume the worst,
become angry, and shoot from the hip.

Choosing Silence or Violence

Silence
Not everyone who tells an ugly story angrily leaps into a conversation ready to exact a pound of flesh,

at least not immediately. For many people it takes a while to become upset, smug, or self-righteous. In
fact, when we began studying accountability 25 years ago, we learned that the vast majority of the
subjects we observed were inclined to walk away from violated promises, broken commitments, or bad
behavior.
When we asked the subjects why they backed off, they explained that it was usually better not to deal

with issues the first time they occurred. After all, many of those problems were anomalies. They weren’t
likely to be repeated, so why make a big deal and come off as a micromanager? There may be some truth
to this, but as we suggested earlier, avoidance may be the real reason for the inaction; most of the research
subjects in our study avoided taking action for fear of getting into a heated argument, which they assumed
could lead to even more problems. Who could blame them for going to silence?
However, it’s not as if choosing silence were a product of scientific inquiry. We back away from

people because we conclude that they’re selfish or rotten. Then we act on that conclusion as if it were the
truth: “Who’s going to approach these folks? They’re selfish and rotten!” Therefore, we opt to stay silent.
No matter what the reason is, walking away from violated promises and broken commitments can be

risky. When you see a violation but move to silence rather than deal with it, three bad things happen:

First, you give tacit approval to the action. If you see an infraction and say nothing, the other person can
easily conclude that you’ve given permission. You may feel that you’ve given permission, and then,
realizing that you’ve given the action the green light, you find that it’s harder to say something later.

Second, others may think that you’re playing favorites: “Hey, you never let me get away with that kind
of stuff!”

Third, each time the other person repeats the offense, in part because of your failure to deal with it, you
see the new offense as evidence that your story about his or her motives was correct. You continue to
tell yourself ugly stories, you fester and fuss, and it’s only a matter of time until you blow.

Violence
Eventually, as problems gnaw at you, there comes a time when you can stand it no longer. You leap

from silence to violence. A person interrupts you in midsentence for the hundredth time, and you finally

blow a gasket. Your assistant misses an important deadline for the hundredth time, and you come unglued.
Of course, you may not become physically violent, but you do employ debating tactics, give people your
famous stare, raise your voice, make threats, offer up ultimatums, insult the other person, use ugly labels,
and otherwise rain violence on the conversation.
Surprised by your sudden and unexpected eruption, the other person thinks that you’ve lost all touch

with reality. “Where did that come from?” he or she wonders. But alas, the other person knows the
answer. You did it, he or she concludes, because you’re stupid and evil. You’ve now helped the other
person commit the fundamental attribution error about you, which feeds that person’s silence or violence,
and the cycle continues.

Rare is the sudden and unexpected emotional explosion that wasn’t preceded by a lengthy period
of tortured silence.

Violence Is Costly
When you move from silence to violence, you no longer keep accountability discussions professional,

under control, and on track to achieve a satisfactory ending. In fact, when you move to violence, the
consequences can be nothing short of horrendous.

You Become Hypocritical, Abusive, and Clinically Stupid
Most of us have made a variety of vows through the years. Our parents punish us for something we

believe is trivial, and we vow never to do the same thing to our children. We watch our boss lose her
temper and swear that we’ll never act so ghastly. We see a friend walk away from a moral stance and
promise we’ll never be that weak.
Unfortunately, those vows rarely keep us out of trouble. When we observe others, tell ourselves ugly

stories, and then fall under the influence of adrenaline, we become the very people we swore we’d never
be. Of course, nobody transmutes into a hypocritical cretin on purpose. Instead, stupidity creeps up on us.
We tell ourselves an ugly story, become mentally incapacitated while under the effects of adrenaline,
convince ourselves that we have the moral high ground, and move to either silence or violence while
smugly proclaiming, “He deserved whatever I gave him.”
Sometimes when we’re really dumbed down by the effects of adrenaline, we make a truly absurd

argument: “Sure I was tough on them, but you need to be tough with these people. They respond to abuse,
not reason.”
Actually, we don’t have to be all that mentally incapacitated to make this argument. It’s foisted on us

almost every day, and with a straight face, no less. The fact that others need to be treated poorly to get
them off their lazy back parts is sacred writ.
For instance, we praise coaches for their incredible records, and if they happen to be abusive, we

actually attribute their success to their authoritarian and punitive style. Consider the Hollywood version
of the 1980 U.S. national ice hockey team’s miraculous gold medal victory. According to the movie, the
coach abuses, insults, and manipulates the players because they need to be motivated and that is the way
to do it. Apparently, the prospect of winning the Olympics isn’t all that inspiring. He gets the players to
hate him so that he can become the common enemy. That way they’ll pull together as a team.
When the team wins the final match, audience members don’t merely cheer the victory; they voice their

approval of the coach’s abusive methods. “What a guy!” people exclaim as they leave the theater. “What a
leader!” Maybe we honor the abusive style of so many coaches and other public figures because their

public actions lend credibility to our own private outbursts. Their tantrums, taunts, and tricks support our
own claim that it was okay to emotionally attack our teenage son because “it was good for him.”
Let’s put this foolishness to bed. People don’t deserve to be abused, physically or emotionally. It’s not

good for them. Yes, people should be held accountable. No one is questioning the need to act as
responsible adults and expect others to do the same. But it is never good to abuse, insult, or threaten
others. Friedrich Nietzsche once argued that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. This little homily is
often quoted. It’s also often wrong. When it comes to emotions, abuse isn’t a blessing; it’s a curse.
When people gain success through abuse, they succeed in spite of their method, not because of it. For

over five decades scholars have shown that abusive leadership styles don’t succeed over the long haul,
and over the short haul they’re simply immoral. The greatest leaders, coaches, and parents we studied
(and certainly all the positive deviants) never became abusive. And during those weak moments when
they may have briefly stepped over the line, they never argued that others needed or deserved it.

Warning!

If you observe an infraction, tell yourself an ugly story, cut your brain power in half with a dose of
adrenaline, and then do something abusive and stupid, don’t say others deserved it or it was good for
them. These words may sound logical when you can’t see straight, or they may give you a warm
glow when you’re starting to question your aggressive actions, but the simple truth is there is no
place for abuse of any kind at home, at work, or even on the playing field.

You Turn the Spotlight on Yourself
Imagine that you’re on a flight across the Pacific. Seated nearby is a child who enjoys running up and

down the aisle while screaming in a voice that could curdle milk. This continues for just long enough to
turn the cabin passengers into a single seething entity with but one wish: to silence the child and return her
to her seat. Suddenly, an older fellow next to you grabs the little girl by her frail arm and screams into her
baby blues.
Guess what happens next. The passengers who once wanted to see the kid silenced now want to see the

mean old man punished. In one swift motion the attention switches from the child to the abusive old guy.
People are now sympathizing with the poor little girl. It takes only an instant to transfer goodwill.
The software development leaders learned this lesson the hard way. They might have approached the

programmers with the angels on their side, but the instant they became abusive, they gave up the moral
high ground. With each outburst, curse, and threat, they armed the original offenders with a good defense.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the original parties are off the hook, but it does mean that the leaders

are now on the hook. Acting unprofessionally never earns you points. It takes the spotlight off the original
offense and puts it on you at a time when you’re on your worst behavior.

The Stories We Tell Help Us Justify Our Worst Behavior
Stories cause us to see the other person not as a human being but as a thing, and if not a thing, at least a

villain. Stories exaggerate other people’s legitimate weaknesses while turning a blind eye to our role.
Stories help us see others as cretins and help justify our bad behaviors toward them, subtle or otherwise.
Here’s the deal: You can’t solve a problem with a villain. You can do that only with a human being.

Before starting an accountability discussion, use everything in this chapter to help you come to see the
other person as a person, perhaps a person doing really rotten things but a person nonetheless. This
difference is everything. Accountability experts set a healthy climate by avoiding ugly stories.

How do you challenge your story, especially when it feels so right? What does it take to avoid making
the fundamental attribution error, becoming angry, and then establishing a hostile climate?

THE SOLUTION: TELL THE REST OF THE STORY

Since the problem of coming up with ugly stories and suffering the consequences takes place within the
confines of your own mind, that’s where the solution lies as well. The positive deviants we study observe
an infraction and then tell themselves a more complete and accurate story. Instead of asking, “What’s the
matter with that person?” they ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do that?”
By asking this “humanizing question,” individuals who routinely master accountability discussions

adopt a situational as well as a dispositional view of people. Instead of arguing that others are
misbehaving only because of personal characteristics, influence masters look to the environment and ask,
“What other sources of influence are acting on this person? What’s causing this person to do that? Since
this person is rational but appears to be acting either irrationally or irresponsibly, what am I missing?”
You can answer these questions only by developing a more complete view of humans and the

circumstances that surround them than the traditional “What’s wrong with them?” And if you do amplify
your situational view, not only will you gain a deeper understanding of why people do what they do, but
you’ll eventually develop a diverse set of tools for managing accountability.

Consider The Six Sources of Influence™

To help expand our view of human behavior, we’ve organized the potential root causes of all behavior
(including broken promises) into a model that contains six sources of influence. At the top of our model
are two components of behavior selection. In order to take the required action, the person must be willing
and able. Each of these components is affected by three sources of influence: self, others, and things.

Personal
Source 1. Personal Motivation
We already know the first source. It’s the one that, considered alone, makes up the fundamental

attribution error. People base their actions on their individual motivation or disposition. Does the action

motivate? Does the person enjoy the action independent of how others think or feel? Does it bring
pleasure or pain? That’s the model we already have in our heads, and it’s partially true. People do have
personal motives. Human beings do take pleasure in certain activities, and it could even be true that they
enjoy making us suffer. However, this model is also the source of influence that gets us in trouble when
it’s the only factor we consider.

Source 2. Personal Ability
We can double this simple model by adding individual ability. We now have two diagnostic questions:

“Are others motivated to do what they promised?” and “Are they able?” (Does he or she have the skills
or knowledge to do what’s required?) By expanding the model from one to two sources, we acknowledge
the fact that people not only must want to do what’s required; they also need the mental and physical
capacity to do it. For instance, maybe your company’s customer-service agents aren’t returning calls to
hostile clients because they don’t know how to defuse the hostility. Perhaps nurses aren’t using protective
gloves consistently because they can’t put them on quickly enough.
With two options to choose from, we also have another story to tell ourselves. Rather than judging

others who violate an expectation as unmotivated and therefore selfish and insensitive, we add the
possibility that maybe they actually tried to live up to their promises but ran into a barrier.

Becoming Curious

Admitting that a problem might stem from several different sources will change our whole
approach. We aren’t certain, we aren’t smug, we aren’t angry, and we slow down. We’re curious
instead of boiling mad. We feel the need to gather more data rather than charge in “guns a-blazin’.”
We move from judge, jury, and executioner to curious participant.

Social
None of us works or lives in a vacuum. We make a promise, and more often than not we sincerely want

to deliver on it. We may even have the talent to do so. But what happens when others enter the scene? Will
coworkers, friends, and family members motivate us? Will they enable us? Social forces play such an
important role in every aspect of our lives that any reasonable model of human behavior must include
them.

Source 3. Social Motivation
From the way adults talk, you’d think peer pressure disappears a few weeks after the senior prom. We

constantly warn our children against the insidious forces wielded by their friends. Yet rarely do we
consider the fact that those forces aren’t switched off in some secret ritual when we finish high school.
Adult peer pressure may be less obvious than its teenage counterpart, but it’s no less forceful.
For instance, what do you think will happen if the supervisor of the software testers walks up to one of

them and says, “Hey, Chris, we’re running behind schedule. Could you hurry things along?”
“What do you mean?” Chris asks.
“You know, maybe finesse, or even shorten, the final tests. The software seems to be running smoothly.”
And with that simple request, the tests are dropped.
Is the other person being influenced by peers, the boss, customers, or family, or for that matter, by any

other human being? Remember the work of Solomon Asch and Stanley Milgram? They created conditions

in which social pressure drove people to change their opinions, lie, and even inflict pain on others.
Should it surprise us that many of the ridiculous things both children and adults do are a result of simply
wanting to be accepted by others? Healthcare professionals violate standards, scientists turn a blind eye
to safety, accountants watch their peers break the law, and nobody says anything. Why? Because the
presence of others who say nothing causes them to doubt their own beliefs, and their desire to be accepted
taints their overall judgment. Social pressure is the mother of all stupidity.

Source 4. Social Ability
In addition to motivating you to do things, other people can enable or disable you. They’re either a help

or a hindrance. For you to complete your job, your coworkers have to provide you with help, information,
tools, materials, and sometimes even permission. Unless you’re working in a vacuum, if your coworkers
don’t do their part, you’re dead in the water.
For example, what about the software engineers? What if their testing package failed? What if the

person responsible for keeping the servers online went off to a technical seminar and didn’t keep them up
and running as long as needed? Who knows? Maybe that’s why the software is giving final assembly fits.
That is the whole point of this discussion. Who knows? We’re going to have to gather data.

You’re a Big Part of the Social Formula
Let’s add one more piece to the social formula: you. You’re a person too. You may be acting in ways

that are contributing to the problem that is bothering you. You’ve got the eyeballs problem: you’re on the
wrong side of them if you want to notice the role you’re playing. For example, a staff support person
misses a deadline because she didn’t like the way you made your initial request. She thought that when
you rushed up to her, project in hand, the way you pushed for a commitment was too forceful, demanding,
and insensitive to her needs. She didn’t say anything, but she did find a way to put your request at the
bottom of her priority list: “Sorry, I just never got around to it.”
We encounter the same problem at home. You’re at your wits’ end because your husband is punishing

and cold to your children (his stepchildren). You wonder why. Is he just selfish and impatient? Could it
also be that you rarely show sympathy for his frustrations with them? Perhaps you are making him feel
isolated and resentful about the challenges he faces, and that helps him feel more justified in behaving
rudely to “your” children.
But that’s not all. As a big part of others’ “social influence,” you can also affect their ability to meet

your expectations. How about that time your son didn’t complete his science project on time? You forgot
to buy the ingredients for the volcano he was building on the way home from work. When that happened,
of course, you realized that you were part of the problem. When you don’t enable people, you’re likely to
notice your role, and others are certainly likely to say something to you if you let them down.
When your style or demeanor or methods cause resistance, others may purposefully clam up and not

deliver, and you won’t even know that you’re the cause of the problem. You’ll just hear a lot of excuses
and get no honest feedback, particularly if you’re in a position of authority. In this case, you need to turn
your eyeballs inward and look for the whole story by asking yourself, “What, if anything, am I pretending
not to notice about my role in the problem?”
You know people out there who do things that cause others to push back, resent them, reject their input,

or drag their feet. Here’s a news flash: sometimes you may be that person.

Structural
As you watch people going about their daily activities, you see that a great deal of what they do is

affected by nonhuman factors. Much of what we do is a function of the structural world around us. This

isn’t always obvious to the untrained eye. In fact, many of us are fairly insensitive to the effects of our
own surroundings, let alone the surroundings of others.
For example, you’re trying to lose weight and don’t realize that the cash or credit cards you’re carrying

enable you to set aside the lunch you packed and buy a high-calorie restaurant meal. You’re hungry
(personal motive), your friends ask you to lunch (social motive), and the credit card you’re carrying
(structural motive) puts you over the top. You also don’t see the distance to the fridge as a factor or the
fact that you fill it with unhealthy foods as a force. Of course, all are having an impact.
Human beings don’t intuitively turn to the environment, organizational forces, institutional factors, and

other things when they look at what’s causing behavior. We often miss the impact that equipment,
materials, work layout, or temperature is having on behavior. We’ve also been known to miss the way
goals, roles, rules, information, technology, and other things motivate and enable.

Source 5. Structural Motivation
How do things motivate us? That’s simple enough. Money (and what it can get us) motivates people;

that we know. Guess what happens when money is aimed at the wrong targets? For instance, managers are
rewarded for keeping costs down, and hourly employees are rewarded for working overtime. They’re
constantly arguing with each other. Quality specialists earn bonuses for checking material, and production
employees earn bonuses for shipping it. They too seem to have trouble getting along. Maybe a team-
building exercise will reduce the tension. Perhaps conflict-resolution training will help. Yeah, right.
When they explore underlying causes, experienced leaders quickly turn to the formal reward system

and look at the impact that money, promotions, job assignments, benefits, bonuses, and all the other
organizational rewards are having on behavior. It is sheer folly to reward A while hoping for B. Savvy
leaders and effective parents get this.
Here’s how this concept applies to a community example. One of the greatest challenges in influencing

“at-risk” youth in inner-city areas is that the models of successful careers that they see often involve the
sale of illegal drugs. It isn’t just the influence of others that lures them into illicit trade; it’s financial.
Until they see clear alternative pathways to financial well-being, thousands of young men and women will
be lost to this social cancer.
Frustrated couples are no less strongly affected by this powerful source of influence. The foundations

of thousands of marriages continue to erode as one or both spouses give their hearts to careers that
promise increased status or rich rewards to those who pay the price.

Source 6. Structural Ability
When it comes to ability, things can often provide either a bridge or a barrier. For example, imagine

you’re trying to get the people in marketing to meet more regularly with the people in production. They
currently avoid each other because they don’t get along. You’ve aligned their goals and rewards, but
marketers still call production folks “thugs” and production specialists call marketers “slicks.” You
believe that if you can get them in the same room once in a while, many of their problems will go away.
But how? What will it take to get them to meet more often and eventually collaborate?
First you write an inspiring memo. Nothing happens. Then you add “interdepartmental collaboration” to

the company’s performance-review form. Nada. Next comes a speech, then veiled threats, and finally you
create an award program that honors the “Collaborator of the Month.” You tell the various division heads
to nominate an employee for the award, and they argue endlessly about who should win.
Now you decide to do some out-of-the-box thinking, only this time it’s out-of-the-cashbox thinking. The

heck with rewards; it’s time to turn to other things. Could you do something to the physical aspects of the
organization that would allow people to interact more easily and more often?

Yes, you could. In fact, if you want to get the two groups to meet more often, think proximity. When it
comes to the frequency of human interaction, proximity (the distance between people) is the single best
predictor. Individuals who are located close to one another bump into each other and talk.
When it comes to work, people who share a break room or resource pool tend to bump into each other

as well. Move the marketing offices closer to the work floor, throw in a common area, and the two groups
may warm to each other. Proximity or the lack thereof has an invisible but powerful effect on behavior.
The following are a few other structural forces that can affect ability.

Gadgets
Gadgets can have a more profound impact on behavior than most people imagine. For

example:

Cooks and waitresses used to fight tooth and nail over what had been ordered and whose orders got
filled first until a researcher invented the metal wheel that controls and organizes orders. With the
advent of the wheel, waitresses stopped shouting commands at cooks, and cooks stopped getting angry
and purposefully fouling up the orders.

A mother was constantly punishing her young son for not coming home before dark. The boy didn’t
know when the end of “before dark” was, would wait until it was actually dark, and got in trouble—
until his neighbor gave him a watch and his mother gave him a specific time to be home.

A father turned the hot water off at the source so that his wife and daughters wouldn’t take so long in the
shower. They resented his actions. One day Mom put an egg timer in the shower, and the problem went
away.

One family determined that its microwave had put distance between the parents and their children. Was
this a lame excuse? Not when one realizes that their first microwave eliminated the one time the whole
family came together: the evening meal. With their fancy new zapper, the children were able to make
what they wanted when they wanted. Without realizing it, the family members lost a key force and
began to pull in separate directions. The point is not that gadgets are bad but that they can have a more
significant impact on human behavior than people might imagine.

Data
A financial services company couldn’t get people to help cut costs until it published both cost data and

financial records. With the same goal in mind, factories now prominently display the cost of each part. In
a large intercity hospital, the healthcare professionals regularly chose to use rubber gloves ($30 a pair)
instead of less comfortable latex gloves ($3 a pair), even for short procedures. After endless memos
encouraging people to save money, administrators posted the cost of the gloves in prominent locations,
and glove expenses dropped overnight.
One wise parent tired of the endless requests of his teenage daughter for everything from designer

tennis shoes to a luxury sports car. One evening it struck him that an ounce of information might be worth a
pound of accountability discussions. He openly shared everything about the family finances. Eventually
his daughter—and we’re not making this up—asked if she should get a night job to help out.

Completing the Story

When you encounter people who aren’t living up to a commitment, it’s easy to wonder what were they
thinking. Left to our natural proclivities, we tell a simple yet ugly story that casts others as selfish or
thoughtless. We mature a little bit every time we expand the story to include a person’s ability. Maybe

others don’t know how to do what they’ve promised to do. We also cut off our anger at its source. Not
knowing for certain what’s happening, we have to replace anger with curiosity. This puts us in a far better
position to discuss an infraction as a scientist, not a vigilante.
Throw in the influence of others, and the story starts to reflect the complexity of what’s really going on.

The fact that social forces are likely to be a huge part of any infraction doesn’t escape a savvy problem
solver. Only a fool purposely pits people against their desire to belong, feel respected, and be included
with their friends and colleagues. Understanding the influence of others is a prerequisite to effective
accountability.
Finally, if we really want to step into the ranks of those who master accountability, we need to consider

the structural factors, or things, surrounding a violated promise. This isn’t intuitive. In fact, rare is the
parent or leader who looks at either the reward structure or other environmental factors when trying to
diagnose the root cause of a behavior. Learn how to do this, and you’ll be in a class of your own.

Use the Six Sources of Influence

Combined, these six distinct and powerful sources make up the Six-Source Model, a diagnostic and
influence tool that was illustrated earlier in this chapter.

How About Our Software-Testing Friends?
What actually caused the software problem during final assembly? Several of the forces contained in

our model played a role:

A supervisor had been sent to the scene, where she learned that the programmers were unfamiliar with
the latest version of the testing software (personal ability).

The supervisor had offered to obtain a tutorial, but the material was located across town at headquarters
(structural ability). The team leader said he’d get it, but didn’t (social ability).

The team leader never received the material because he was stopped in the hallway, where he was told
to prepare for a “walk-by” from a big boss from headquarters (social motive).

Did the code writers skip the testing because they didn’t like doing it? That could have been the case,
but it wasn’t. Consequently, if the managers had punished the operators for not being motivated, it
wouldn’t have remedied any of the underlying causes and most certainly would have caused resentment.

One Final Comment
The best leaders and parents aren’t lax with accountability, nor do they let themselves stew in a stupor

of self-loathing. If the other person does turn out to be at fault, those who are masters of accountability
step up to and handle the failed promise. In fact, we’ll explore how to do exactly that in later chapters.
For now we’re merely trying to work on our first thought, our first look into a possible infraction, and

the tone that follows. We’re learning to fight our natural tendency to assume the worst of others and
replace it with genuine curiosity to ensure that our first words and deeds create a healthy climate for
ourselves and others. When we tell the rest of the story, we do exactly that.

CHAPTER SUMMARY
Master My Stories

Now we’ve selected a violated expectation and thought about the surrounding circumstances in a way
that puts us in the best state of mind. In short, we’ve learned how to master our stories by seeking out all
the possible sources of influences that affect the problem.

Master my stories. The second step in the model also takes place before you actually speak. As you
approach an accountability discussion, take care you don’t establish a horrible climate by charging in
half-informed and half-cocked. To avoid this costly mistake, work on your own thoughts, feelings, and
stories before you utter a word.

Tell the rest of the story. Ask why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would do what you’ve just
seen as well as if you yourself are playing a role in the problem.

Look at all six sources of influence. Examine personal, social, and structural sources—all either
motivate or enable others to keep their commitment.

Expand motive to include the influence of others. Do others praise and support the desired behavior,
or do they provide pressure against it? Is the reward system aligned? If people do what’s required,
will they receive a reward or punishment?

Finally, add ability. Can others do what’s required? Does the requisite task play to their strength or
weakness? Are people around them a help or a hindrance? Do the things around them provide a bridge
or a barrier?

What’s Next?

Now that we’re fully prepared, it’s time to open our mouths and talk about the violated promise. How
do we first talk about the infraction we’ve observed? What should be the first words out of our mouths?
Let’s take a look.

Part Two
Create Safety

What to Do During an Accountability Crucial Conversation

When you create enough safety, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. As those who are
masters of accountability move from thinking to talking, here’s how they create safety:

They begin well. They know how to describe a performance gap in a way that makes it safe for others to
talk about with them (Chapter 3, “Describe the Gap”).

They know how to help others prioritize competing demands, and they know how to discipline when
necessary (Chapter 4, “Make It Motivating”).

They also know how to help others deal with ability barriers by jointly exploring solutions. They help
others comply by making compliance easier. They understand the underlying principles of
empowerment (Chapter 5, “Make It Easy”).

Finally, they also know how to deal with unexpected problems or emotions that may come up during an
accountability discussion (Chapter 6, “Stay Focused and Flexible”).

3

Describe the Gap
How to Start an Accountability Crucial Conversation

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

—AMBROSE BIERCE

I’M SORRY, BUT MY OSMOSIS IS BROKEN

You’ve picked out a broken commitment, decided to say something, and considered the six possible
sources of influence behind it; now you are about to say something. Before you do that, let’s be clear.
Almost nobody should be harboring the illusion that he or she has been groomed to solve touchy and
complicated accountability challenges. Almost nobody has.
Here’s a typical supervisory training regime. A hardworking and competent employee is tapped on the

shoulder on Friday afternoon (“Congratulations, you won the supervisory lottery!”) and promoted to a job
that starts Monday morning. Any questions? And it’s not as if most employees have actually watched the
way a leader deals with touchy issues or failed promises. That kind of thing happens behind closed doors.
Of course, business schools, the breeding ground for managers and vice presidents, rarely teach

anything about face-to-face leadership. Most business school courses are about management and
entrepreneurship, not leadership. Occasionally classes cover the way leaders should think but almost
never what they should do. The curriculum certainly doesn’t cover accountability discussions. Professors
and students routinely encounter violated expectations, but almost nobody teaches how to handle them.
We don’t even want to think about the preparation the average parent receives. Heaven forbid that most

of us should imitate the social skills of our own adult role models: “Thanks, Mom. I was afraid I was
going to miss out on how to paralyze people with guilt, but you’ve taken time every single day to pass on
an important lesson or two.”
Here’s the $64,000 question: How are people supposed to have picked up the ability to hold a simple

goal-setting session, let alone tap-dance through a thorny accountability discussion? Through osmosis?
If your human interaction training has been as sketchy as everyone else’s, welcome to the club and be

sure to pay close attention. We’re about to share the best practices of the positive deviants who know how
to walk up to someone and hold an effective accountability discussion.

EXACTLY WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

Before we dare to open our mouths, let’s make sure we’re thinking about the same topic. Exactly what
is the topic of our upcoming conversation?
We’re stepping up to a:

violated expectation
a gap: a difference between what you expected and what actually happened. Gaps are typically
thought of as:

Violated Promises, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behaviors

As far as this book is concerned, when we say “gap,” we mean serious, consequential, and complex
deviations, something that might be hard or even risky to discuss. Anybody can sidle up to a cheerful and
eager employee and discuss a minor infraction. You don’t need a book to take that kind of trivial action.
Instead, as we suggested earlier, we’ll be exploring challenges such as the following: What’s the best

way to confront your boss for micromanaging you? How do you talk to a friend about backbiting? How do
you tell a doctor she’s not doing her job? What does it take to discipline a violent employee? We call the
topic of this book crucial accountability because the stakes are high. Handle things poorly, and you could
lose a job, a friend, or a limb.

Know What Not to Do

We’ll start our exploration of ways to initiate an accountability discussion by sharing what we’ve
learned not only from studying our positive deviants but also from observing people who had the guts to
step up to a problem but then quickly failed. After all, knowing what not to do is half the battle.

Don’t Play Games
The first technique for starting an accountability discussion is the child of good intentions married to

bad logic. It’s called sandwiching. You honestly believe that you have two equally poor options (and no
other choices). You can stay quiet and keep the peace, or you can be honest and hurt someone’s feelings.
So you use sandwiching in an earnest effort to be both nice and honest. To soften the violent blow, you
first say something complimentary, next you bring up the problem, and then you close with something
complimentary again. Here is an example.

“Hey, Bob, good-looking briefcase. By the way, do you know anything about the 10 grand
missing from our retirement fund? Love the haircut.”

A close cousin to this circuitous technique takes the form of a surprise attack. A leader starts a
conversation in a chatty tone, makes pleasant small talk, and then suddenly moves in for the kill.
The most unpleasant of these backhanded approaches is unadulterated entrapment—where one person

lures the other into denying a problem, only to punish him or her for lying. It sounds something like this:

“How were things at school today?”
“Fine. Same old stuff.”
“Fine? The principal called and said you started a food fight in the cafeteria. Is that supposed

to be fine?”

Most people despise these indirect techniques. They’re dishonest, manipulative, and insulting. They’re
also quite common.

Don’t Play Charades
Rather than come right out and talk about a missed commitment, many people rely on nonverbal hints

and subtle innuendo. They figure that’s faster and safer than actually talking about a problem. Some deal
almost exclusively in hints. For instance, to make their point, they frown, smirk, or look concerned. When
somebody’s late, they glance at their watches. This vague approach is fraught with risk. People may get
the message, but what if they misinterpret the nonverbal hints? Besides, how are you supposed to
document your actions?

“February 10, 2 p.m. Raised my right eyebrow three centimeters. Employee nodded knowingly
and started back to work.”

Don’t Pass the Buck
Another bad way to begin an accountability discussion is rooted in the erroneous belief that you can

play the role of good cop if only you can find a way to transform the person’s boss into the bad cop.
Parents play the same game by bad-mouthing or blaming their mates. By being the “pleasant one,” they
believe, they’re more likely to stay on civil terms with their direct reports or children. Here’s the kind of
stunt they pull:

“I know you don’t want to work late, but the big guy says that if you don’t, we’ll write you up. If
I had my way, we’d all go home early for the holiday weekend.”

This strategy is disloyal, dishonest, and ineffective. Anyone who wasn’t raised by wolves can see
through it. Nothing undermines your authority more than blaming someone else for requesting what you
would be asking for if you had any guts. If you repeat this mistake, it won’t be long before you’re seen as
irrelevant—merely a messenger, and a cowardly one at that.

Don’t Play “Read My Mind”
If you scour the bookstores, eventually you may stumble across a few accountability texts that make the

following suggestion: “Since people benefit from learning on their own, don’t come right out and tell them
about the actual infraction that has you concerned. Instead, allow room for ‘self-discovery.’” Make the
guilty person guess what’s on your mind. Here’s what this can look like:

“Well, Carmen, why do you think I called you in so bright and early this morning?”
“I don’t know. Is it because I crashed the company car?”
“Nope.”
“Hmmm, was it because I sabotaged the phone system?”
“Wrong again.”
“Is it because …”

This tactic is as irritating as it is ineffective. Despite good intentions, asking others to read your mind
typically comes off as patronizing or manipulative.

Learn from Positive Deviants

For every person we watched play games and fail, we were privileged to observe a skilled parent,
supervisor, or manager in action. These people were something to behold. When we first chose to tag
along after top performers, we were surprised to see how similar their styles were, independent of the
industry. We expected to find muted, even sensitive, behavior in high-tech firms, universities, and banks,
but we anticipated something quite different in mines, foundries, and factories. We were wrong. Melissa,
one of the effective frontline supervisors in the manufacturing facility that had lost most elements of
accountability, found a way to be both honest and respectful and quickly became the most effective leader
in the facility.
To be honest, when we first watched Melissa, we thought that her style was—how does one say it?—

gender specific. So we asked if we could watch the other positive deviant—one of the plant’s rather large
and scary male supervisors, but one who relied on interpersonal skills rather than threats, abuse, and

intimidation.
True to what we had learned about Melissa, Buford (the first hard-hat accountability expert we trailed)

seemed far more like Mr. Rogers than Mr. T. Despite the fact that the facility appeared to have been
prefabricated in hell, Buford’s style and demeanor could have fit easily into a white-collar boardroom.
He acted far more like a schoolteacher than like the abusive leaders who surrounded him.
When we asked the plant manager why he thought Melissa and Buford were the best of the best, he

repeated something we learned earlier. “It’s easy to find a leader who creates warm and lasting
relationships but who struggles to get things done. It’s not much harder to find a no-nonsense, hard-hitting
leader whom you might send in to put out a fire but who creates hard feelings. Consequently, when you
find someone who can manage both people and production, you’ve got a real gem.”
How did these two skilled professionals solve problems while building relationships? How did they

start an accountability discussion? We’re not sure how they came to have the same understanding, but it
didn’t take us long to realize that the skilled leaders and parents we eventually studied had somehow
managed to stumble onto the same exquisitely simple yet important principles.

DESCRIBE THE GAP

To ensure that you set the right tone during the first few seconds of any accounting, don’t shoot from the
hip. Don’t charge into a situation, kick rears, take names, and let the chips fall where they may. Instead,
carefully describe the gap. Here’s how:

Start with safety.

Share your path.

End with a question.

Start with Safety

When another person has let you down, start the conversation by simply describing the gap between
what was expected and what was observed: “You said you were going to have your room cleaned before
dinner. It’s nine o’clock, and it’s still not done.”
Don’t play games; merely describe the gap. Describing what was expected versus what was observed

is clear and simple, and it helps you get off on the right foot.
For the most part, this is how you’ll begin an accountability discussion. However, if you have reason to

believe that the other person will feel threatened or intimidated or insulted by the mere mention of the
violated promise, you’ll need to take steps to ensure that he or she feels safe—no matter the infraction.
As we noted earlier, we watched skilled individuals talk about incompetence, mistrust, and even

embezzling, and the conversations, though not always pleasant, ended successfully. Then we watched less
skilled individuals raise something as trivial as arriving five minutes late to a meeting, and the
conversation degenerated into a shouting match.
As we tried to understand these apparent contradictions, we finally realized what was happening.

The Big Surprise

At the foundation of every successful accountability discussion lies safety. When others feel
unsafe, you can’t talk about anything. But if you can create safety, you can talk with almost anyone
about almost anything—even about failed promises.

Of course, the more controversial and touchy the issue is, the more challenging the conversation will
be. Nevertheless, if you maintain a safe climate, others will hear and consider what you’re saying. They
may not like it, but they’ll be able to absorb it. Make it safe for people, and they won’t need to go to
silence or violence.
Let’s take a look at what it takes to create and maintain a safe climate, beyond simply describing the

gap. Let’s examine how to open our mouths and talk about a violated expectation when we’re suspicious
that the other person might become defensive or upset.

Watch for Signs That Safety Is at Risk
Let’s quickly review the basics of safety and then move to the task of making it safe, even when you’re

dealing with a mammoth broken promise.
People feel unsafe when they believe one of two things:

1. You don’t respect them as human beings (you lack Mutual Respect).

2. You don’t care about their goals (you lack Mutual Purpose).

When others know that you value them as a person and care about their interests, they will give you an
amazing amount of leeway. They’ll let you say almost anything. That’s why your four-year-old
granddaughter can tell you you’re “fat” without offending you. You know that she loves and respects you
and that her motives are pure. This, after all, is an innocent child. However, if what you say or how you
say it causes others to conclude that you don’t respect them or that you have selfish and perverse motives,
nothing you say will work. Here’s why.
As you talk to others about a gap in performance, a warning flag goes up in their minds. After all, this is

a problem discussion. They immediately want to know one thing: Are they in trouble? Their boss, parent,
loved one, or friend is bringing up an infraction, not inviting them to lunch. Are bad things going to
happen? People assess their risk on the basis of two factors. Are bad things currently happening to them?
Are bad things about to happen to them?

Mutual Respect
As you first describe the gap, if your tone of voice, facial expression, or words show disrespect, bad

things are currently happening to the other person. You’re not respecting that person. You’re speaking in
an uncivil tone. Your manner is discourteous. Your delivery is contemptuous. In short, you’ve held court
in your head and found that person guilty, or so it feels to him or her.
Of course, this lack of respect is typically communicated subtly, not overtly. Sometimes it only takes a

raised eyebrow. (On other occasions the word moron finds its way into the conversation.) In any case, the
other person believes that you think he or she is incompetent, lazy, or worse. You have signaled that this
conversation is going to end badly. After all, it’s certainly starting that way. It’s only natural that when
others feel disrespected, they feel unsafe and resort to either silence or violence.

Mutual Purpose
Let’s look at safety problems that extend beyond the moment. If it becomes clear to others that your

purpose is at odds with theirs, they’re likely to conclude that something bad is about to happen to them.
You’re going to deal with an infraction, and if they’re harmed in the process, so be it. Your goal is to get
what you want, and you aren’t even thinking about their goal. This doesn’t bode well for them. Even if you
start the conversation respectfully, it’s only natural that if others feel that you are at cross-purposes,

they’ll resort to silence or violence. They have to watch out for their interests.

At the very first sign of fear, you have to diagnose. Are others feeling disrespected? Or do they
believe you’re at cross-purposes? Or both? Then you have to find a way to let others know that you
respect them and that you’re not going to trample all over their wishes.

This can be hard to remember in the face of holding someone accountable. We typically care so much
about the content of a conversation that we don’t think to watch for fear and restore safety. Nevertheless,
it’s the only solution. We have to watch for signs that people are worried, stop saying what we’re saying,
diagnose why people are fearful, step out of the original conversation, and then restore Mutual Respect,
Mutual Purpose, or both. Here’s how to do that.

Maintain Mutual Respect
You’re about to suggest that the other person has violated an expectation, and this could easily imply

that he or she was not motivated, was not able, or both; and nobody likes to be told that. And if the
infraction is huge, say, infidelity or lying, isn’t the other person going to assume that you don’t respect him
or her—almost by definition? What can you do to ensure that the other person doesn’t feel disrespected
even though you’re about to talk about a high-stakes performance gap?

Remember to

Tell the Rest of the Story

Obviously, everything we’ve talked about so far helps create safety. First, we avoid making others feel

disrespected by not disrespecting them. If we see a problem, tell ourselves an ugly story, and then charge
in with an accusation, the other person is going to feel disrespected. Even if we find others guilty in our
heads and do our best to hide it, the verdict will show on our faces.
Show others respect by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Tell the rest of the story. Think of other

people as rational, reasonable, and decent. This attitude eventually affects our demeanor, choice of
words, and delivery and helps make the conversation safe for others. They can tell that even though we’ve
spotted a potential problem, we’re speaking out of a position of respect.

Use Contrasting to Restore Mutual Respect
Sometimes thinking good thoughts is not enough. We’re pleasant as we begin to talk about a failed

promise, but the other person hears the mention of a problem and immediately assumes that we do not
respect him or her. A problem is a bad thing, the other person is connected to the problem, and therefore
we must think he or she is bad. Despite our best efforts, others feel unsafe and go to silence or violence,
and we haven’t even made it all the way through our first sentence.
Let’s add a skill to help us with our very first sentence. We’ll use it as a preemptive tool for stopping

disrespect in its tracks. It’s called Contrasting. It’s the killer of the fundamental attribution error. Here’s
how it works.
Before you start the conversation, anticipate how others might assume the worst. How might they feel

disrespected? For instance, if you bring up a quality problem, the other person may believe that you think
he or she is unskilled in general. If you address poor effort on a specific project, the other person may
conclude that you believe he or she isn’t motivated or can’t be trusted, or perhaps you don’t like him or
her or are about to take disciplinary action, and so on. You’ve noticed a problem, and the other person
prepares for the worst before you can finish your thought.
To deal with these predictable misinterpretations, use Contrasting. First, imagine what others might

erroneously conclude. Second, immediately explain that this is what you don’t mean. Third, as a

Contrasting point, explain what you do mean. The important part is the “don’t” portion. It addresses
misunderstandings that could put safety at risk. Once safety is protected or reestablished, the “do” part of
the statement clarifies your real meaning or intent. Here’s what Contrasting sounds like when it is used up
front to avoid feelings of disrespect:

“I don’t want you to think I’m unhappy with how we work together. Overall I’m very satisfied. I
just want to talk about how we make decisions together.”
“I’m not saying that it was wrong of you to disagree with me in the meeting. We need to hear

everyone’s view if we want to make the best choice. It’s just that I think the team heard your tone
and words as attacking.”
“I know you tried your best to improve your grades. I’m satisfied with your effort. Please don’t

hear me as being less than proud of your progress. I’d just like to share a few study ideas that
might help you maintain your grades more easily.”

Contrasting plays a huge role in initially describing broken promises. The bigger the problem is, the
more likely it is that the other person is going to feel disrespected. Consequently, many discussions of
broken promises and bad behavior start with a preventive Contrasting statement. In fact, this is the skill
that people are typically looking for when they pick up a book that deals with missed expectations,
because it answers the question “How do I get the conversation started?”

If you suspect that the other person is going to feel offended or defensive, prepare the ground by
explaining what you don’t and do mean.

Of course, you can also use Contrasting in the middle of a conversation when you suddenly become
aware that the other person is feeling disrespected. You didn’t anticipate the reaction, but sure enough, he
or she has found a way to feel disrespected:

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to imply that you were doing it on purpose. I believe you were
unaware of the impact you were having. That’s why I wanted to bring it up in the first place.”

Establish Mutual Purpose
When an accountability discussion turns ugly, with greater intensity and speed than you ever imagined it

could, it’s usually because others misunderstand not your content but your intent. You’re speaking
respectfully. That part you got right. You merely want to deal with the performance gap in a way that
keeps the relationship on solid footing. Unfortunately, the people you’re talking to think differently. They
believe that the only reason you’re bringing up the infraction is that you’re out to humiliate them, make
them do something they don’t want to do, overthrow their authority, or otherwise cause them pain and
sorrow. They believe that bad things are about to happen to them. Once again, mental math comes into
play.
Of course, once others allow vicious stories about your intent to romp freely inside their brains, they

become angry, defensive, and emotionally charged. Blood rushes to their arms and legs so that they can be
better equipped for the fight-or-flight reaction their bodies have been genetically designed for.
Within seconds they’re on their worst brain-starved behavior. Once this chemical transformation

happens, there’s a good chance you’ll never get back on track. Anything you say carries with it the stench
of evil intentions. And of course, since they are now dumbed down by adrenaline, their logical processes
take a vacation, and nothing you say really matters.

You can’t let this happen. If you think others are likely to harbor bad thoughts about your intentions
before you’ve even said a word, take a second preventive measure: establish Mutual Purpose.

Build common ground before you even mention a problem. Let others know that your intentions
are pure—that your goal is to solve a performance gap and make things better for both of you. Start
with what’s important to you and them—not just you. Establish Mutual Purpose.

Here’s an example:

“If it’s okay with you, I’d like to spend a couple of minutes talking about how we made that last
decision. My goal is to come up with a method we’re both comfortable with.”
“I’d like to give you some feedback that I think would help you be more productive with your

meetings.[Add Contrasting.] I don’t think this is a huge problem, but I do think that if you were to
make a couple of small changes, things would run a lot more smoothly.”

Note: If your sole purpose is to make your life better while possibly making the other person’s life
worse, who can blame others for becoming defensive? If there is a short-term cost associated with the
change you’re calling for (and there usually is), think about how everyone will benefit over the long haul
and then establish Mutual Purpose. For example:

“I’m concerned about a problem that is affecting all of us. If we don’t find a way to increase
our output, we’ll cease to be competitive. Our customer is already researching alternative
sources, and we’re at risk of being shut down.[Add Contrasting.] I don’t want to come up with a
plan that is physically or mentally stressing, because we’ll have to live with it for years to come. I
just want to develop a plan that leads to a more consistent and predictable effort.”

Ask for Permission
If the gap you’re about to address is traditionally off limits, particularly sensitive, or something a

person in your position doesn’t normally discuss, ask for permission to discuss it. Be gracious. Don’t
plunge into a delicate topic without first seeking permission. Asking permission is a powerful sign of
respect and is particularly helpful if you’re speaking from a position of authority. It also helps allay
people’s suspicion that your intentions toward them are malicious.

Speak in Private
This tip is both obvious and easy: always hold accountability discussions in private. No matter where

you may encounter a gap, retire to your office or another secluded setting where you can talk one-on-one.
Never conduct public performance reviews. Never discipline your children in front of their friends.
Never confront your spouse in the middle of a dinner party. Never talk about friends, loved ones, direct
reports, or bosses at the water cooler. Speak in private, one-to-one and face-to-face. Avoid the following
common violations of this principle.

Inappropriate Humor
Don’t violate privacy by masking a public performance review with thoughtless humor, as in this

example: “Well, look who just arrived. Forget how to find the meeting room, did you?”
For many people this is a hard habit to break. It takes years to learn how to craft the perfect public

punitive remark: veiled enough to deny, clever enough to get a laugh, and pointed enough to be nasty.
Nevertheless, drop the cutting sarcasm.

A Group Attack
Don’t deal with individual infractions in meetings or public gatherings by chastising the entire group.

This cowardly tactic fails doubly. First, the guilty parties may miss the fact that they’re the target of your
comments. Second, the innocent people resent the fact that they’re being thrown in with the guilty. Once
again, accountability should be done in private, one-on-one.
Combining Safety Skills Let’s see how these safety skills can be combined to help form the first few

phrases in an accountability discussion, particularly if the topic is touchy or the person you’re dealing
with is in a position of power. How, for example, could you start with safety when conversing with a
defensive boss?

Watching Wally
Let’s watch Wally, a skilled communicator, as he deals with a defensive chief executive officer who is

about to torpedo a project that Wally has invested a year in launching. This text is taken from an actual
interaction between a manager and the CEO of his company.

CEO: You mean to say that we’re going to spend three months gathering data? What a crock! I don’t want
to gather more data; I want to do something.

Wally recognizes the boss’s outbreak for what it is. It is not a sign that the issue is off limits. He
realizes that the boss is getting hot under the collar because safety is at risk. The boss needs to know that
Wally cares about his interests and respects his position, so that’s exactly what Wally communicates.

WALLY: Let me be clear on something. I don’t want to waste any time or resources on something that adds no
value. If gathering data is a waste, I will whack it from the plan in a heartbeat. I understand that
you are facing a tough deadline, and at the end of this discussion I will do what you think needs
to be done.

Now, with safety restored, Wally steps back into the issue at hand.

WALLY: With that said, I think there will be some negative consequences if we don’t gather more data. I’ll be
happy to describe them, and then we can decide how to proceed.

At this point the CEO feels safe about where the conversation is going and asks to hear Wally’s
concerns. At the conclusion the CEO agrees that data gathering is critical and willingly supports the next
steps.

Share Your Path

Let’s look at the second step in describing a performance gap. We started with safety and will be doing
our best to watch for fear throughout the discussion. When called for, we may start with a preemptive
Contrasting statement or describe our common ground. Once the other person feels safe, it’s now time to
describe the gap.

Common Mistakes
To get us started on the actual words we’ll choose, we’ll begin with one of our favorite research

subjects, Bruno. He was among the first leaders the authors watched on the job. We selected Bruno not
because he was great but because he consistently demonstrated (note the root of the word: demon) all that
is bad and wrong. He taught us what not to do.

Don’t Keep Others in the Dark
It’s 10 minutes into the workday, and the authors are roaming the floor with Bruno as he meanders

through a nest of cubicles teeming with technicians.
“Watch this,” Bruno fiendishly giggles as he approaches one of his direct reports. Bruno then circles

the fellow like a vulture, shakes his head in disgust, mutters under his breath, and then flutters away.
The technician is clearly alarmed.
“Keep ’em on their toes,” Bruno declares. “That’s my motto.” True to his word, for four straight hours

Bruno explains nothing in clear terms. He constantly prods people with ambiguous expressions such as
“shape up,” “fix that,” “that could kill someone,” and the ever-popular “get a better attitude.”
Nobody understood this guy. His tactics were as manipulative as they were ineffective. Strangely

enough, Bruno was purposely vague. He used ambiguity as a torture device. But that was Bruno. Most
people don’t try to be vague; they’re merely inarticulate. Whatever the root cause, lack of clarity is
accountability’s worst enemy. People can’t fix a gap if they don’t know the specific details of the
infraction.

Back to the Model
To be crystal clear about the details we want to discuss, let’s return to the Path to Action model. It

explains how humans move from observation to action.

Remember this diagram, which was first introduced in Chapter 2? The other person acts, you see
something, you tell yourself a story about the other person’s motive, you feel, and then you act. Here’s the
question: What details should you talk about? What part of the path should you share: the action, your
conclusion, or your feeling? How do you share your path?

No Harsh Conclusions, Please
When we step up to an accountability discussion, we’re inclined to lead with judgments or stories.

After all, our view of others’ intent often has us all riled up. As far as we’re concerned, their bad intent is
the problem. Unfortunately, when we lead with our judgments, we get off on the wrong foot. It sounds
something like this:

“I can’t believe that you purposely made fun of me in that meeting!”

“You don’t care about our family one tiny bit. Must you work every waking hour?”

“You show no confidence. No wonder nobody trusts your opinion.”

When we share our harsh stories, others now know what we have concluded, but they don’t know what
they have done. They can only guess at what we’re talking about. This strategy can be unclear, inaccurate,

and costly.

Start with Facts
As a general rule, when you are sharing your path, it’s best to start with the facts: what you saw and

heard. Don’t lead with your stories. If you do, people are likely to become defensive. Instead, describe
what the person did.

Stay external. Describe what’s happening outside your head (“You cut the person off in midsentence”)
as opposed to what’s happening inside your head (“You’re rude”).

Explain what, not why. Facts tell us what’s going on (“You spoke so quietly, it was hard to hear”).
Conclusions tell us why we think it’s going on (“You’re afraid”).

Gather facts. If others complain to you about their friends and coworkers, they’re likely to tell stories
and leave out the facts: “He’s arrogant.” “She’s unreliable.” “Their team is selfish.” When this
happens, probe for details. Ask them to share what they actually heard and saw.

Even when it comes to our own thinking, it’s often difficult to remember the original facts. Most of us
have an experience (“You spoke nonstop about yourself and didn’t ask me a single question”), tell a story
(“You’re egotistical”), generate a feeling (“I don’t like being around you”), and then forget the original
experience. In some cases we may not even be aware of the other person’s subtle action that led to the
feeling. Thus, we end up walking around with feelings and stories but are incapable of holding a
successful accountability discussion because we lack the facts required to help others understand what
we’re thinking.

Gathering the Facts Is the Homework Required for Holding an Accountability Discussion

Here’s the bottom line. Every time you share a vague and possibly inflammatory story instead of a
fact, you’re betting that the other person won’t become defensive and can translate what you’re
thinking into what he or she did. That’s a bad bet. Share the facts. Describe the observable details of
what’s happening. Cut out the guesswork.

Tentatively Share Your Story
As we suggested earlier, sometimes a person’s behavior can be moderately annoying, and maybe that

individual has even broken a promise, but what really has you distressed is the fact that you believe that
his or her intent is less than noble. You’re trying not to make the fundamental attribution error, but facts
are starting to pile up, and it’s hard to keep assuming the best. Keeping an open mind is one thing; being
naive is another.
Remember the realtor who was upset at an employee not just because she was routinely late but

because the realtor figured she was taking advantage of their friendship? We suggested that this was the
right problem to discuss or at least the correct starting point. But how do you merely discuss the facts
when it’s your story you want to talk about?
You don’t. You share your story as well. Of course, you don’t start there, but you don’t walk away from

your story either. Start with the facts because they’re the least emotional and controversial element of the
conversation and then tentatively share your story or conclusion. Make sure your language is free of
absolutes. Trade “You said” for “I thought we agreed.” Swap “It’s clear” for “I was wondering if.”

Here’s what this might sound like:

“Martha, I was wondering if we could talk about something that has me bothered. I’m not sure
I’m correct in my thinking, so I thought I’d better check with you.”
“Sure, what’s the deal?”
“I’ve talked to you four different times about coming into work between 20 and 30 minutes late,

and I’m beginning.…”
“Like I told you, it’s not always easy to make it on time.”
“I’m beginning to wonder if the fact that we’re friends and neighbors isn’t getting in the way.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, since we’re friends, it feels to me like you’re coming in late, knowing full well that it

could be hard for me to hold you accountable. Do I have this right, or am I missing something
here?”

Your conclusion could be dead wrong, but it is your conclusion that’s starting to eat at you, and now
you’ve done your best to make it safe to talk about it. By taking the attitude that you could be wrong and
using tentative language, you’re being fair.

Continually Watch for Safety Problems Warning:
Once you start to tell your story, no matter how tentative you are, there’s a chance the other person will

become defensive. If, for example, you believe your teenage son has stolen money from you, regardless of
how tentative you are, you’re likely to experience something like this:

YOU: Given that you’re the only one who’s been in the house in the last four hours and $200 is missing out
of my wallet, it’s hard for me not to wonder if you took it.

SON: I can’t believe you’re calling me a thief! (Stomps out of room and slams door.)

To handle this level of defensiveness, first, recognize it for what it is: a threat to safety. The problem
is not that the other person can’t handle the content you’re offering; it’s that he or she doesn’t feel safe
with you discussing it. When you realize that the problem is one of safety, you’ll do the right thing: step
out of the content and rebuild safety. Decide whether the problem is that the other person feels
disrespected or believes your intentions are bad (or both). Then use the Contrasting skill we described
earlier to relieve that person’s mind.

YOU: I’m not calling you a thief. I am trying to come up with explanations for what just happened. Can you
see how I would wonder given the facts I just described? My intention here is not to accuse you but
to find out what is really going on so I can solve this problem. Can we talk about it?

If you start to share your story and the other person becomes defensive, take away his or her fear. Step
out of the content and restore safety.

End with a Question

You started the accountability discussion by doing your best to make it safe. You then shared your path
in a way that continued to maintain safety. Now it’s time to bring your opening paragraph to a close, still
maintaining safety. End with a simple diagnostic question: What happened? Make this an honest inquiry,
not a veiled threat or an accusation such as “What’s wrong with you!”

As you finish off your description of the failed expectation, your goal should be to hear the other
person’s point of view. If you’ve started with safety and presented detailed facts, the person responsible
for the infraction should understand what the problem is and feel comfortable talking about the underlying
cause and the eventual solution.
Don’t underestimate the importance of this sincere question. This is a pivotal moment in the

conversation, one that will sustain the safety you’ve created. If you sincerely want to hear the other
person’s point of view, you let him or her know that this is a dialogue, not a monologue. You help the
other person understand that your goal is not to be right or to punish but to solve a problem and that all the
information must be out in the open for that to occur. So end your opening statement with a sincere
invitation for the other person to share even completely contrary opinions with you.
Finally, as the other person answers the question “What happened?” listen carefully.
Diagnose the root of the problem—which of the six sources of influence is at play? Is the person

unmotivated? Is he or she unable? The solution to each alternative is quite different. You don’t want to try
to motivate people who can’t do what you’ve asked, or enable people who don’t care. We’ll look at ways
to deal with each of these problems in the next two chapters. For now, remember to listen for the
underlying cause.

TIPS FOR TOUGH SITUATIONS

Avoid Groundhog Day

Let’s return to an element we referred to earlier. It’s an important enough issue that it deserves special
and repeated attention. As you confront other people, they’re likely to want to reduce a performance gap
to its simplest form, one that avoids most of what’s actually going on and sidesteps the lion’s share of
accountability. They want to keep treating the problem, no matter how devilishly recurring, as if it were
the first instance.
For example, a salesperson who reports to you has a history of promising discounts that cut too deeply

into your profits. In short, she sells out profits to earn her commission. Last week you talked to her about
this practice, and she agreed to follow the pricing guidelines. Five minutes ago you overheard her deep-
discounting again. You step up to the problem:

“Louise, I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t sell the product below the standard pricing
formula. I just overheard you promising a price that was clearly out of bounds. Did I miss
something?”

Louise explains that she really needed this commission and was hoping that you would understand.
Now what?

Moment of Truth
You’re now at a critical juncture. You have two problems, not one: (1) the price violation, or the

content of the problem, and (2) a whole new problem: she didn’t live up to her commitment to you. Many
people miss this important difference. Unfortunately, if you talk only about the price formula, you’re
forced to relive the same problem. Savvy problem solvers know better. As new violations emerge, they
step up to them:

“Let’s see if I understand. You agreed not to cut prices, but you wanted the commission, so you
did so anyway. Is that right?”

This follow-on statement leads to a very different discussion. Instead of talking only about pricing,
you’re now talking about failing to live up to a commitment. That is a far bigger issue.

Two Examples
To see how the skills we’ve covered work, here are a couple of examples of how they all come

together. We’ll start with a simple example: A person who reports to you fails to show up at an important
meeting, and you don’t think he missed it on purpose. You have told yourself no story. You invite him into
your office, safely describe the gap, and end with a question.

“Chris, I noticed that you missed the meeting you had agreed to attend. I was wondering what
happened. Did you run into a problem of some kind?”

And there you have it: a simple paragraph. You haven’t held court. You don’t have a story to tell. You
take the other person to a private setting, describe the facts (what was expected versus what was
observed), and end with a question. And now you’re listening to diagnose the underlying cause.
Let’s examine a tougher problem. You’re talking to your boss about what’s been happening in meetings.

You think he or she may become defensive, so you start by creating safety. You establish Mutual Purpose
and use Contrasting.

YOU: I’ve noticed myself withdrawing in the last couple of meetings. I know it bugs you when I don’t take
the initiative, so I’ve thought about why I’m not doing that. Some of the things, I’ve realized, have
to do with how you lead our meetings. I don’t want to be presumptuous or tell you how to run
meetings, but I believe that if I could discuss this with you, it might help me perform better and
would make the climate better for me too. Would that be okay?

BOSS: Okay, what’s bugging you?

Since you have told yourself a story about what your boss is doing, you share your path, starting with
the facts and then tentatively sharing your conclusion.

YOU: Well, a couple of times in the meeting today when I’d start a comment, you’d raise your hand toward
me and then start speaking before I’d finished. I don’t know if this is how you mean that, but to me
it feels like you think my idea is stupid and it’s a way of shutting me down.

BOSS: Yeah, I guess I did do that, but you know, I just don’t want to pussyfoot around when I disagree with
something. Do I have to?

The boss is feeling defensive, and so you step out of the content and build safety.

YOU: I don’t want you to feel like you have to pull punches with me at all. All I’m asking for is that you tell
me you disagree in a way that doesn’t also sound like you don’t think I’m competent. [Contrast.] Is
there something I’m doing in the meeting that is irritating you? Or am I not performing up to par and
you have concerns about me? [End with a question.]

CHAPTER SUMMARY
Describe the Gap

We’ve finished working on ourselves and are now speaking for the first time. Our overall goal is to
create and maintain safety. Rather than leading with unhealthy conclusions or making accusations (both
make it unsafe for the other person), we simply describe the gap. That is, we share our view of what we
expected as well as what we actually observed.
We often refer to such breaches as “violated expectations,” or “broken commitments.” To avoid the

harsh conclusions that typically accompany words such as violated, or broken, we’ve chosen the more
neutral term: gap.
When we think of a disappointment as a gap or difference rather than a purposeful violation, we’re

likely to enter the conversation feeling curious as opposed to feeling disappointed or even angry. By first
viewing and then explaining the differences between what was expected and what was observed, we turn
the “hazardous half-minute” into a description of the facts (rather than a verbal assault) and show a
willingness to learn (rather than a burning desire to accuse). By focusing on the gap, we transform the
“hazardous half-minute” into a solid start.
Once we’ve described the gap, we listen carefully to see which branch of the model we’ll pursue. Is

the problem due to motivation, ability, or both?

In this chapter we explored the first words out of our mouth. Our goal has been to make it safer to deal
with problems by mastering the critical first moments of an accountability discussion. We’ve suggested
the following:

Start with safety.
Share your path.
End with a question.

We’ve written a lot about a little. You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot.

Author Video: David Maxfield in “The Law of the Hog”

To watch this and other videos, visit

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources.

What’s Next?

The other person is about to explain why he or she let you down. This means that you have to know
what to do if the other person isn’t motivated or isn’t able or maybe both. This will take more than a well-
crafted sentence or two.

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources

4
Make It Motivating
How to Help Others Want to Take Action

Here’s my theory of motivation: If you grab someone by the ear and take off running, their body
generally follows.

Let’s take a look at where we are in the problem-solving process. Myra, an employee who works for
you, failed to complete an important quality check. You observed the gap, decided to deal with it, and
tried to determine the right problem to discuss. Since this was the first infraction, you’ve decided to talk
about the content: she didn’t complete the quality check. You admire Myra, and so it is easy to impute
good motive. Now you describe the gap. After your brief and effective problem description, Myra
responds.

REMEMBER TO DIAGNOSE

The way Myra responds to your description of the gap will determine what you do next. She determines
your path, not you. You’ll learn where you’re going by diagnosing the underlying cause of the problem. Is
it a matter of motivation, ability, or both? If Myra says, “I couldn’t do the procedure you asked for,” you’ll
need to figure out why. Which of the three ability forces is coming into play? If Myra replies, “Come on.
What’s the big deal? It’s a stupid little quality check. I don’t really have to do it, do I?” you’re staring at a
motivation problem. Which of the motivational forces is at work here?
Knowing how to bring to the surface and resolve all the underlying causes requires a great deal of skill.

If you miss a single ability barrier, the other person won’t be able to cooperate. If you misinterpret the
underlying motivational block, you’ll be pushing the wrong buttons. You’ll also have to choke back the
desire to pull out the big guns to motivate (it’s so fast and easy) or pull out your big ideas to enable (it’s
so fast and easy). Both methods are tempting, and both will be wrong.

IT’S ABOUT TO GET COMPLICATED

We begin our journey into the land of multiple causes with a warning: it’s about to get complicated. We
also offer a promise: if you follow the best practices of those who routinely step up to accountability
discussions and handle them well, you too will succeed.
After hemming and hawing for a few seconds, Myra explains that she really didn’t want to do the job

and asks, “What’s the big deal? Is it really worth the effort?” From this particular response, we’ll
conclude that she’s not motivated. Other signs that a person isn’t motivated include the following: “I had
more important things to do.” “It wasn’t my idea to switch jobs.” “If you think I’m going to work on
something that isn’t on my performance review, you’re wrong.” All point to underlying motive. All imply
“I chose not to do it.”
How do we make it motivating for Myra? How do you reach into other people’s psyches regardless of

their power or position or, better still, regardless of your power or position and motivate them to do what
they promised to do?
Hint: Your power doesn’t matter all that much. In fact, in many cases the more you think you need

power to influence others’ motivation, the less likely you are to do it well. Stick with us, and you’ll see
why.

DON’T OVERSIMPLIFY MOTIVATION: A SMALL RANT

When someone lets you down and does so willfully and with full knowledge of what he or she is doing,
you want to deal with the selfish blighter. For instance, remember what your high school boyfriend once
did to you? He didn’t forget to pick you up for your prom date, nor did he come down with a debilitating
disease. He simply changed his mind at the last minute. And then, guess what? He said nothing to you,
roared by your house in his candy-apple-red Mustang, and then whooped it up with the little hussy who
moved in from California while you sat on your front porch clutching a wilted boutonniere.
When it comes to motivating others, these are the thoughtless curs we have in mind. We think of people

who have purposely violated a promise and as a result have given us a figurative kick in the gut. Do you
know why they cause us grief? Because they don’t care. They don’t share our wants and needs. They don’t
walk in our moccasins. When you think about it, isn’t that what life comes down to? If we could find a
way to get our friends, our family, our coworkers, and especially our boss to climb into our heads, share
our dreams, and want what we want, wouldn’t life be one great big chocolate croissant?

Motivation with a Capital M

When others willfully break a promise, particularly when they cause us loads of grief, we want so
desperately to motivate the guilty parties that the whole concept of motivation takes on mythical
proportions. We think of motivation with a capital M: arm-flailing speeches echoing through a coliseum
with the crowd cheering. Or perhaps we envision motivation as the raw use of power delivered in a
satisfying and vengeful strike to the ego. Or maybe we think of it as a tool bag chock-full of clever
techniques, just underhanded enough to trick people into compliance but sincere-looking enough to
maintain a patina of professionalism. And on a good day, maybe our best day, we think of motivation as
the ever-popular “art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it.”
Of course, none of these views is particularly helpful. All lead to behaviors that eventually get us into

trouble. Even the last cloyingly patronizing statement—we think it’s our job to get people to want what
we want—is fraught with problems. It works only if we’re omniscient (what we want is always right).

At the heart of our twisted view of how to motivate others lies an accumulation of outdated
methods and tortured thoughts, one piled upon another. We come to believe that good leaders propel
people to action by blending two parts charisma, one part chutzpah, and a healthy dash of fear into a
perfect motivational cocktail. And we’re wrong.

With time and constant exposure to these unhealthy influence theories, here’s what eventually happens
to our thinking.

What’s with Those Kids?

The apartment you live in comes with a reserved parking space conveniently located right in front of
the building’s entrance. Unfortunately, the tenants in the apartment above you have three—count them,
three—teenage children, each with a car. They appear to take joy in parking in your place. Each time they
compel you to station your vehicle blocks away, you’re forced to schlepp yourself over hill and dale
through an unrelenting Seattle-style drizzle while you make a mental note to send a generous donation to
the National Association to Outlaw Teenagers.
You once talked to both the parents and the adolescents about the problem. You were on your best

behavior. You spared no charm, plucked the old heartstrings, and sure enough, they expressed their
deepest and most sincere sorrow. It was rather touching. They then respected your parking spot for a full
12 hours, after which they continued with their old tricks. Apparently they were sorry you spoke to them,

not sorry that they were causing you problems.
At this point you’re fully aware of your options. You know that if you threaten your neighbors, they

might come around. But you don’t want to be that kind of person. You’re bigger than that. So you back off,
buy a larger umbrella, and take satisfaction in the knowledge that although you may be drenched and
aching, you have not yet mutated into that crotchety old curmudgeon you vowed never to become. Just
because you despise these cretins, it doesn’t mean you need to be unpleasant about it.
This kind of thinking leads to a false dichotomy. You believe that when it gets right down to it, you must

either put up with the current problem or motivate the kids through power and threats; those are the only
two options. (Once again, our math is messed up.) And since you don’t want to become threatening and
abusive, your monklike vow of silence isn’t a sellout; it’s the moral thing to do.
However, if circumstances demand a more forceful approach, you take comfort in the knowledge that

the end will justify the means. After all, it is your parking space, and it’s not your fault that the bozos
you’re dealing with respond only to fear. As long as you believe that the principal motivating force behind
all behavior is fear, you have a built-in excuse for going to either silence or violence.

GETTING TO THE ROOT OF MOTIVATION

Contrary to popular myth, you don’t have to wield power or provoke fear to be an effective motivator.
In fact, it’s better if we don’t think of ourselves as larger-than-life figures burdened with the challenge of
bringing the nearly dead back to life through various inspiring techniques. That kind of flawed thinking is
exactly what gets us into trouble.
Consider Melissa, a manager and positive deviant in the large midwestern manufacturing facility we

referenced earlier. Weighing about 105 pounds, Melissa was far too small to intimidate anyone, and
rarely, if ever, did she use her formal authority or position power. Yet she was extraordinarily influential,
singled out by many as being the most effective manager in the facility. In fact, the amount of power you
have has little to do with how well you motivate others. We have watched people with almost no authority
motivate their bosses’ bosses.
Motivation, it turns out, is actually rather boring. It has little to do with clout or charisma. In fact,

motivation is about expectations, information, and communication.

Expectations Change Everything

Let’s start our more accurate, if less flamboyant, description of motivation with a simple truism: people
are always motivated. To say that someone isn’t motivated is patently wrong. As long as people are
moving their muscles, they’re motivated to do something. Second, motivation is brain driven. People
choose their behavior. Third, motivation is influenced by a nearly infinite number of sources from both
within and without.
Here’s how the human brain and the surrounding world combine to propel individual behavior. Human

beings anticipate. When deciding what to do, they look to the future and ask, “What will this particular
behavior yield?” When they choose one action over another, it’s because they’re betting that that action
will generate the best result. Since any action yields a combination of results, some good and some bad,
it’s the expected sum total of the consequence bundle that drives behavior. If you want people to act in
another way, you have to let them know how a different behavior would yield a better consequence
bundle.

Here’s what motivation comes down to: change others’ view of the consequence bundle, and their
behavior will follow.

How do you help people to change their view of the consequence bundle—to understand that their
existing view is either inaccurate or incomplete?

THREE APPROACHES TO AVOID

One thing is for certain: three of the more popular methods—charisma, power, and perks—don’t work
very well. They all have the potential to change people’s view, and so they all have the potential to
change people’s behavior. Unfortunately, relying on these heavy-handed methods can be dangerous and
rarely sustains behavior over the long run. Yet these methods remain enormously popular. In fact, they
hold a nearly sacred place in the leadership lexicon. Let’s consider each method in turn.

Don’t Rely on Charisma

It’s time to kill a myth. To be an effective motivator, you don’t have to be awe inspiring. Everyday acts
of motivation are almost always subtle, rarely elicit awe, and never make the papers. Nevertheless, the
myth of charisma continues to thrive. Books, television programs, and movies positively ooze with scenes
that are designed to make audiences gasp with admiration. For example, in the cold war drama Crimson
Tide, we find a naval officer played by Denzel Washington giving a “big speech” to a young radioman on
whose skill and attention hangs the fate of the world.
The poor fellow has to get the submarine’s radio up and running to learn if the vessel should launch its

missiles. If he fails, the captain will be forced to launch the sub’s nuclear arms blindly, cause the enemy to
retaliate, and eventually destroy the world—even though it may not be necessary. (“Sorry. My bad!”)
In the real world the poor fellow probably would collapse from the pressure. In fact, the stress would

be so debilitating that a smart leader would be doing everything in his or her power to provide support.
But screenwriters are human too. They make the fundamental attribution error by creating a radioman who
doesn’t need support. He needs to be inspired. Apparently, he hasn’t repaired the radio yet because he has
something he’d rather do than save the world from total destruction.
Denzel delivers a really hot speech. After the tear-jerking performance, the radioman turns to his

coworker and tells him to stop messing around so that they can prevent a nuclear holocaust instead of
playing video games or whatever it is they’re doing.
Denzel gives the speech, the radioman is appropriately inspired, and, yes, the audience breaks into

applause. Charisma makes for good drama; however, it has precious little to do with real leadership. Rest
assured that you don’t have to be charismatic to be influential.

Don’t Use Power

Let’s move on to the next big mistake. Raw power, painfully applied, may move bodies, it may even get
people to act in new ways, but it rarely moves hearts and minds. Hearts and minds are changed through
expanded understanding and new realizations. The flagrant and abusive use of authority, in contrast,
guarantees little more than short-term bitter compliance.
This simple idea would never have made these pages if not for the fact that parents and leaders alike

routinely turn to power as their first tool for motivating others. Without putting it in so many words, they
believe that it’s easiest to change people’s thinking about the existing consequence bundle by
administering new and painful consequences of their own. It’s a simple enough concept and is very easy
to implement. Here’s what it sounds like:

“If you don’t finish the project on time, you’re fired!”

“If you talk back to me like that again, you’re grounded until the end of the summer!”

The Reason We Intuitively Rely on Force
Earlier we suggested that we often take a dispositional rather than a situational view of others. If others

cause us a great deal of pain, we believe they must be bad to the core. The worse the impact others have
on us, the worse our assumptions about their character. We think they’re inherently selfish. They may even
take joy in our suffering. They’re at best indifferent. And here’s where it gets sticky: We believe that
others are capable only of being selfish. It’s in their genes. It’s their disposition. It’s not a choice; it’s a
calling.
When it comes to influence strategies, the implication of this dispositional view of people should be

obvious. Individuals aren’t going to change their personalities through patience and long suffering on our
part. They’re not going to change their proverbial spots after we give them an inspiring pep talk. In fact,
they aren’t going to change their inherent and immutable personalities because of anything we say. They
can’t.
And now for a leap in logic that would break any Evel Knievel record: since we’re dealing with deep-

seated personality flaws, we have to use threats. Remember those teenagers who took your parking
space? Oh yeah, they’ll pay.

Warning: You’re About to Do Something Stupid
What does all this chest beating come down to? Let’s take it as a warning. The more we feel the need to

apply force, the greater is the evidence that our own thoughts are the problem. To quote Seinfeld’s George
Costanza, “It’s not them, it’s us.”
Of course, it starts with them when they aren’t motivated. We try and try, and nothing works. And then

we become angry. We convince ourselves that we need to use power to solve the problem, and we enjoy
doing it. That’s because we’re thinking with our dumbed-down, adrenaline-fed lizard brains.

Warning lights should go off every time we feel compelled to reach into our bag of influence tools
and pull out a hammer: if we don’t catch ourselves before it’s too late, we’ll pay.

The Cost of Force
Force Kills Relationships
Every time we decide to use our power to influence others, particularly if we’re gleeful and hasty, we

damage the relationship. We move from enjoying a healthy partnership based on trust and Mutual Respect
to establishing a police state that requires constant monitoring.
Every time we compel people to bend to our will, it creates a desolate and lonely work environment.

Gone is Mutual Respect and the camaraderie it engenders. Gone are the simple pleasantries associated
with rubbing shoulders with colleagues who admire and pull for each other. Gone is the sense that we’re
laboring together to overcome common barriers.
It’s a horrible thing we do when we decide to unleash our power as a method of motivating others.

When we do, our relationship with others is forever changed. We move from respected partner to feared
enforcer. And then we pay.

Force Motivates Resistance
When we quickly move to use force to influence change, people intuitively understand that we do that

because we believe they have bad motives. We don’t respect them. In addition, it communicates that we

care only about our goals, not theirs. In other words, it destroys safety. And when safety disappears,
people immediately become defensive. Eventually they resist our ideas out of principle. Every time we
leave the room, we wonder if they’ll actually do what we’ve asked. By destroying safety, the hasty use of
force ensures that force will be needed to solve the problem and that a healthy accountability discussion
won’t work.

Force Doesn’t Last
Back in the mid-1930s, Kurt Lewin, along with several of his colleagues, conducted a fascinating study

that forever put to rest the notion that exercising one’s power yields lasting results. The researchers
randomly assigned leaders to one of three leadership styles: authoritarian, hands-off, and democratic. The
subjects then used their assigned styles to lead a production team. As expected, the authoritarian (power-
based) style produced the highest results when the leader was in the room. Also as expected, force
yielded the lowest results once the leader left the room.1 When people produce solely out of fear, once the
fear is removed, so is the motivation to continue to follow orders.

Be Careful with Perks

Now for the last of the common motivational errors: the hasty use of extrinsic rewards to motivate what
should already be intrinsically motivating. Many parents have learned not to make this mistake through
their failed attempts to reward actions that should be rewarding in and of themselves.
For example, if you want your children to read or, better still, love to read, what’s the best way to lure

them away from their electronic devices? More than a few parents have chosen to pay their kids to read.
The theory is that if you pay them, they’ll read, and if they read, they’ll learn to love reading.
Unfortunately, extrinsic rewards often kill intrinsic satisfaction. These children learn to read for money,
not for the love of reading. Then the minute the cash is removed, they’re off books.
Similarly, if you continually use special perks to encourage people to do what should be a routine part

of their jobs, in effect “perfuming” the consequence bundle, you could be undermining or even destroying
the satisfaction that comes from doing the job. It also takes attention away from the legitimate reasons for
the work. When extrinsic rewards are applied to routine behavior, they confuse purpose. Special rewards
should be reserved for special performance.

THE SOLUTION

The problem with power, perks, and charisma is not that they never work or never should be used. The
problem is that people turn to them too quickly, and there are almost always better methods. For instance,
savvy parents and influential leaders use their ability to teach. They intuitively instruct by using part of the
model we developed in Chapter 2.

Explore Natural Consequences

When you watch people who have been singled out by their bosses, peers, and loved ones as the best at
handling accountability discussions (those highly valued positive deviants we introduced earlier), it
should be no surprise to learn that they change people’s hearts by changing their minds.
Savvy leaders recognize that they could propel people to action by using their leadership authority or

offering perks. They also know that within the three domains of personal, social, and structural, there are
other factors that are far better motivators, that propel action without the leader pulling strings or making
threats.
What are these compelling factors? They are the natural consequences associated with any behavior.

For example, if you don’t manage your diabetes well, you are likely to face amputations later in life.
That’s a natural consequence. If you fail to follow up on commitments, you create extra stress for your
boss, who has to guess what will get done. That’s a natural consequence. If you make sarcastic and cutting
comments when your spouse isn’t feeling amorous, she will withdraw and feel less spontaneous affection
for you despite what your lizard brain is telling you. That’s a natural consequence.
All our actions put into play a chain of events that affects anywhere from one person to millions of

other people. This sequence of events makes up the consequence bundle. Among these consequences,
there is a subset of “natural” consequences that exist independently of the intervention of an authority
figure. These methods require no force, no chutzpah, and no charisma. No parent has to wag a finger; no
boss has to write up a disciplinary action. Natural consequences are always present and always serve as
a potential source of motivation.
Of course, not all natural consequences motivate people equally. Here is an example:

“When you cut Jimmy off in midsentence, it hurt his feelings.”
“Good, I don’t like him anyway.”

Consequences provide the force behind all behavioral choices, and so savvy influencers motivate
others by completing a consequence search: they explain natural consequences until they hit upon one
or more that the other person values. As you start your own consequence search, your job is to find a

way to make the invisible visible while maintaining healthy dialogue.

Make the Invisible Visible
When it comes to exploring natural consequences, your primary responsibility is to help others see

consequences they aren’t seeing (or remembering) on their own. That happens because many of the
outcomes associated with a particular behavior are long term or occur out of sight. Your job is to help
make the invisible visible. Here are six methods for doing that.

Link to Existing Values
As you consider all the consequences you could discuss with another person, turn your attention to that

person’s core values. What does he or she care about the most? This will be your point of greatest
leverage. Then help the other person see how his or her values will be better supported through the course
you are proposing. If you have created enough safety, you can talk frankly about any value issues. Let’s
look at an example of speaking with a spouse who has had two bypass surgeries and continues to gorge:

“Dear, I honestly believe that if your eating habits don’t change, you won’t raise our children;
I will. Do you have the same concern? What do you think?”

Here you’re trying to deal with your loved one’s eating habits, and rather than nagging or attacking,
you’re linking to his or her core value of being around to help raise the kids.

Connect Short-Term Benefits with Long-Term Pain
Show how the short-term enjoyment the person currently is experiencing is inextricably connected to

longer-term problems. This is essentially the central task of parenting:

“If you continue to watch television and don’t do your homework, you’ll get bad grades, you
won’t get into a good school, you won’t get a good job, you won’t make lots of money, and you’ll
never drive your own Porsche.”

You might not use this whole list (you’re piling on), but this is at least part of the map you’re carrying
in your head and the map you’d like your child to share eventually, except maybe the part about the fancy
car.
This method of clarifying long-term or distant negative consequences is also applied at work dozens of

times a day:

“I’m sure it’s a hassle to double-check appointments when you enter them on my calendar, but
our current error rate is so high that the assistants of the other vice presidents are calling me to
ask for confirmation. I worry that your reputation here is going to be hurt if we can’t solve this.”

Place the Focus on Long-Term Benefits
This is the other half of parenting. It’s also the single best predictor of lifelong success. If a person can

suffer a little now—delaying gratification in order to serve a longer-term goal—life gets better (think
dieting, weight training, studying, etc.).
If you doubt this premise, consider a study conducted over a matter of decades. A researcher put a

marshmallow in front of individual children and told them that they would get another one if they didn’t

eat the first one while the researcher stepped out. As the researchers tracked these children over the
years, they found that those who had waited for the researchers to return did far better in life than those
who ate the confection right away, and in almost every domain.2 To help people stay the course, take the
focus off the short-term challenge by placing it on the long-term benefit:

“I know that putting up with some of the kids’ messiness is really hard for you. I also believe
that your relationship with them is at risk if you can’t learn to let some of the smaller things go.”

Introduce the Hidden Victims
This is perhaps the most widely used method of explaining consequences. You describe the unintended

and often invisible effects an action is having on others. At work, leaders carefully and clearly explain the
consequences to the company’s various stakeholders:

“Here’s what your failure to comply is doing to other employees, to the customer, to the
shareowners, to the boss, and so forth.”

At home, parents explain what’s happening to other family members:

“Louisa, I know your little brother gets on your nerves a lot. But did you know that when you
made fun of his weight, he sat in his room and cried for the rest of the evening? I know your goal
was to get him to stop following you around and not to hurt him so deeply. Is that right?”

Hold Up a Mirror
To help introduce the social implications of a particular action, describe how a person’s action is being

viewed by others. “It’s starting to look like you don’t care about the team’s results.” Remember, when it
comes to the way we’re coming across, we all live on the wrong side of our eyeballs. Help others gain a
view from the other side.

Connect to Existing Rewards
This is typically not the best starting place, but eventually you may want to talk about rewards. Help

others see how living up to an expectation advances their careers, enhances their influence, puts more
money in the bank, or reduces their risks:

“You’ve mentioned wanting to be the art director. In my view you will be much more successful
in that position—and more likely to get it—if you have a solid working relationship with both the
editing staff and the video team.”

Stay in the Conversation
Remember, as you’re doing your best to make consequences more visible, keep talking. Keep the

information flowing honestly and freely in both directions.

Don’t Turn Consequences into Threats
There’s a fine line between sharing natural consequences and threatening others. Well, in most cases

it’s not that fine a line. If your motives are wrong, sharing becomes threatening. If your motive is to punish
or if you’re taking pleasure in describing the awful things that will happen if someone’s obnoxious
behavior continues, you’re making threats. Your motive must be to solve the problem in a way that

benefits both of you. Anything less than that will provoke silence or violence, not gain willing
compliance.
The challenge increases when your motives are right but the other person mistakes your description of

natural consequences for a threat. “When you fail to complete your assignments on time, we start giving
you less relevant assignments to protect ourselves from failure” can sound like a personal attack or a job
threat.
If the other person believes that he or she is in trouble, perhaps because of previous experience with

other bosses, your best behavior may seem manipulative regardless of your skill or demeanor. If you
notice that others appear nervous, step out of the conversation and restore safety by explaining your
positive intentions. Explain that your goal is to solve an important problem. You simply want to share the
consequences of what they’re doing and then ask them for their view on the matter. When they start
hearing natural consequences as threats, you should recognize the situation as a safety problem and restore
safety.

Listen to Others’ View of Natural Consequences
When it comes to other people’s roles, you should be listening as they explain their view of the

consequences. They may be aware of consequences you know little or nothing about: “Yeah, we can do it
the way you want, but it’ll blow up our lawn mower.”
Your view of what should be done may change in the process of jointly discussing consequences. In the

end, you may be convinced that they shouldn’t do what you originally asked.

Stop When You Reach Compliance
As you help others see consequences they didn’t realize existed, explain those consequences only until

you believe others will comply. Your job isn’t to keep piling on information. It is to share consequences
until the other person understands the overall effect and shares your view of what needs to be done. Don’t
sell past the close.

Match Methods to Circumstances

Let’s look at the final element of making a task motivating. It has to do with the circumstances you’re
facing. Sometimes the person you’re talking to is simply unaware of the consequences associated with his
or her actions. Sometimes you yourself don’t understand why the other person isn’t motivated. Or perhaps
the person is partially motivated but the task just hasn’t made it to the top of his or her priority list. Maybe
the other person’s openly resisting your efforts. Let’s learn to match method to circumstance.

When You’re Teaching
The methods for explaining natural consequences that we’ve just examined are easy to apply when

we’re first informing people about the reason behind a specific action. Employees want to know why they
have to produce products and deliver services by using certain methods—particularly if what you’re
asking isn’t going to be easy. What they really want to know is whether it’s actually worth the effort. As
we suggested earlier, individuals who are good at accountability are teachers, and much of their teaching
is about the consequences to varying stakeholders: “Here’s why it’s worth it.” They make the invisible
visible by whatever means will work.
When it comes to parenting, the younger the child, the greater the need to teach the child the relationship

between behavior and outcome. Newborns do not understand consequences. Almost everything a parent
does during the early stages of child rearing is to protect a child from invisible bad consequences and
then to teach. As children grow older, methods change and resistance increases, at least until age 14,

when your offspring actually know everything and you don’t have to teach them anymore. Of course, when
they turn 21, they become ignorant again.

When You’re Jointly Exploring
This circumstance comes up more often than you might imagine. The other person isn’t exactly

motivated, and neither of you is quite sure why. Perhaps the other person knows why but isn’t saying. In
either case, you can’t figure out why the other person isn’t motivated, and you’ll need to examine the
impact that personal, social, and structural factors are having on the individual to determine which ones
are making the task undesirable.
The idea here is to examine each source of influence with simple questions: “Is the job hard to do?” “Is

it repetitive, boring, uncomfortable (and so on)? Is that why you don’t want to do it?” “Are others
encouraging you not to do it?” “Is the task at odds with what the other person is getting rewarded for?”

The goal of exploring consequences is to bring to the surface the issues that make the task
undesirable. If it’s not immediately clear, this could take some work. Once you’re both aware of the
factors that are at play, decide if you still want the other person to continue (you may change your
mind). If you decide that the task still makes sense, use any combination of the methods we’ve
described for making the consequences visible.

When Priorities Differ
What if the other person has different priorities? It’s not that people don’t want to do the task; it’s just

not at the top of their list. Priorities can differ for several reasons. Maybe other tasks came up out of
nowhere, or perhaps that person enjoys doing other jobs more. Maybe the people who have let you down
have forgotten what they were supposed to do or, more likely, why they were supposed to do it. Here’s a
big one: perhaps they were hoping that nobody would care if they dropped that part of the job. They
eliminated it and watched to see what would happen.
Whatever the reason, people know what to do but choose something else. Let’s be honest: more often

than not, they already know what the consequences will be. Under these circumstances, explaining why
certain parts of the job are necessary can sound quite different from routine instruction. You’re now doing
your best to remind people without haranguing them. Consider the following:

“Are you sure that I need to explain safety procedures to everyone walking in here? Some of the
visitors have been here before.”
“Remember when we had that discussion a couple of months back about government

regulations? If people get hurt, they can sue us if we haven’t talked to them every time. I know it
can seem redundant, but it’s the law.”

Reminding people is the tactic you take with hardworking, reliable individuals who are caught in a
priority battle.

When Others Resist
Let’s consider a more challenging case. Individuals are openly resisting your efforts. They really don’t

want to fulfill their promise, they need to be convinced, and you need to be careful not to create
resistance. That means that you’ll need to know how to explain why something has to be done without
jumping straight to power or discipline. Now what?

This is the discussion people have in mind when they say that those they work and live with are hard to
motivate: “Others fight me at every turn.” Fortunately, the basic principle is the same: explain natural
consequences until the person genuinely agrees to comply. In this case it’s a delicate search. You keep
searching for consequences until you find one the other person values. Here are examples:

“Come on. I have better things to do than get my expense reports in the day I get back.”
“We’ve found that the longer people drag it out, the less accurate their reports are. They often

forget small expenses, and it costs them money” (consequences to the employee).
“I’ve got a good memory.”
“It also causes trouble for the people in accounting. They have their own deadlines and goals.

If we wait too long, it throws them off” (consequences to coworkers).
“Big deal. Let them suffer once in a while. I’m the one on the road half my life.”
“When you don’t get your bills in, we don’t bill our clients as quickly. Last year we figure late

billing cost the company over $200,000” (consequences to shareholders).
“We made a bazillion dollars last year.”
“When you drag out your reports for a couple of weeks, I get a call, and I have to track you

down and hold these kinds of conversations. It’s not how I want to spend my time” (consequences
to the boss).
“Hmmm. I didn’t realize I was making more work for you. Sorry. From now on I’ll put a

reminder in my calendar, and it’ll keep me on track.”

This type of lengthy consequence search calls for both patience and skill. The person really doesn’t
want do what you’re asking, and it takes a genuine search to come up with something that motivates him or
her. You have to search because not every consequence matters to everyone. In this example the employee
didn’t care about anything until the boss talked about how it was inconveniencing him (which, by the way,
implies the use of power).

When to Use Discipline

Despite your best efforts, sometimes you still have to start down the path of discipline. Perhaps the
other person has done something that requires immediate action. Maybe your son crossed the line from
resisting your efforts to being disrespectful and insulting. Maybe you’ve explained consequences, and the
other person isn’t going to do what you ask no matter what you say.
Perhaps you’ve had multiple conversations—describing content, pattern, and relationship—but the

employee is still violating every agreement you make. It’s time to change tactics. It’s time to move away
from natural consequences and start imposing consequences of your own (discipline). As you start down
this precarious path, keep the following in mind.

Know the Mechanics
Every organization has its own discipline steps and policies. Study them carefully. If you fail to follow

procedure, your efforts may be thrown out when they are reviewed, undermining your credibility.
Families should create their own clear disciplinary steps as well. If they do not, everything comes as a
surprise.

Partner with People in Authority
If you’re in a situation in which you don’t know the person’s total history and details, explain why the

action was wrong, state that you’re going to move to discipline, and say that you’ll get back to him or her
later. Then check with specialists to learn what the actual steps should be. Otherwise you may suggest that
you’re going to send the person home without pay and then find out that he or she was only due for a
warning. You’ll have to eat your words. The home version of this should be obvious: parents must be
unified in their actions.

Be Appropriately Somber
Discipline isn’t something you impose with a sense of pleasure regardless of what the other person may

have done. Keep the tone serious and speak about what has to be done, not what you now get to do. This
is not a time for a smug in-your-face celebration. You’re moving from leading or partnering to policing,
and that’s hardly a victory.

Explain the Next Step
As you explain what will happen as a result of the infraction, cover what will happen if the person

does the same thing again. Explaining the next level of consequences informs and motivates. It also helps
eliminate surprises: “Nobody said I was going to be fired!”

Be Consistent
Don’t play favorites. If you’re working with an employee who gives you fits at every turn, you can’t

discipline that person for something you wouldn’t discipline everyone for simply as a means of getting
even. When discipline falls under review, the first thing third parties examine is equity. Did the person get
fair treatment? Don’t single people out.

Don’t Back Off Under Pressure
Once you’ve started the process, stick to it. Follow the steps and don’t be dissuaded simply because

the person puts up a fight. If discipline is called for, stay the course. If you waffle, you’ll gain a reputation
for making hollow threats.

When Power Fails, Be Candid About Coping

Let’s look at one final issue. What if you’ve explained the natural consequences associated with an
action but others still aren’t motivated and you can’t or shouldn’t impose consequences to increase their
motivation? Let’s say your boss realizes he should stop yelling at you and others but says the following: “I
know it’s wrong, I know it frustrates people, but I’m high-strung and under a lot of pressure, and it’s just
going to happen sometimes!” Now what? You’re not likely to impose consequences on your boss.
Or let’s say your business partner has been unreliable in getting assignments in on time, and after a

lengthy discussion you still believe it’s likely she’ll get them in late. What do you do?

Agree on a Work-Around
When you’ve decided not to administer discipline as a way of compelling someone to change his or her

actions, develop a coping strategy and then candidly share it. That way, as the other person observes and
experiences the consequences of the work-around, he or she can choose to act differently to avoid the
pain, waste, and inefficiency you’ve talked about.
For instance, from this point on you will not give your unreliable partner “critical-path” assignments.

She may not be happy about this choice because she wants to be involved with the hottest assignments.
Nevertheless, at least she understands why you’re doing what you’re doing.

With an emotionally explosive boss who refuses to change, you might suggest that when he blows off
steam, you’ll eventually withdraw, allow time for him to calm down, and then return for a healthier and
more complete discussion. You might also share that you are likely to be reluctant to challenge some of
his more vigorous arguments. You’ll do your best to be candid, but his defensive actions will continue to
make that difficult for you. By being candid about your coping strategy, you empower your boss to choose
whether he wants this consequence bundle.
This point is so important that we want to expand it a bit. For people to behave badly over the long

haul, we have to do two things. First, we have to avoid accountability discussions. By doing that, we
avoid helping others see the consequences of their behavior. If we don’t alter their expectations, why
should they change what they do? Second, we create a work-around that enables others to continue doing
what they’re doing, unaware and guilt free. For example, our boss never returns calls, and so we secretly
assign someone to do it for her. A doctor is incompetent, and so we discreetly schedule complicated
surgeries for when he’s off shift. Our dad is grumpy and abusive, and so we buy him his own wide-screen
TV and build him a den.

The reason others aren’t motivated to change is often because of us. We’re conspirators. Either we
misuse power and mobilize others’ resistance, or we withhold honest feedback and then take great
pains to create clever and secret work-arounds that continue to keep others blind to the consequences
they’re causing.

Even if you don’t have the power to impose your will on an unwilling person, you can avoid being part
of the problem by being candid about your coping strategy.

FINISH WELL

Let’s assume you’ve been able to make it motivating. You jointly discussed consequences, you chose
not to back off, and the other person has agreed to comply. The conversation is winding down. But you’re
not through. You have to do one more thing to ensure that you haven’t wasted your time. Coming to an
agreement is one thing; deciding what’s going to happen from this point on requires one more step.
As you wrap up the conversation, make a plan. Decide who will do what and by when. Then set a

follow-up time in which you can check to see how things are going. (We’ll examine how to do this in
Chapter 7.)

A FINAL CASE: CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?

Let’s take a look at how discussing natural consequences applies to a difficult example.

He Hates My Kids

This is both Gary and Kali’s second marriage. She has two children from her previous marriage, ages
15 and 20. When Kali and Gary first met, he was very interested in her children. They’ve now been
married four years, and his interest is waning. In fact, he’s almost always surly with them and has taken to
calling them names. They feel like strangers in the house, and Kali is beginning to think she’ll have to
choose between Gary and her children.
What makes this problem particularly hard to solve is the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it.

When Kali tries to discuss their relationship, he accuses her of being unreasonable and storms out of the
room. What can she say? One thing is for certain—the first few seconds will be critical. Kali has about
30 seconds to do two things: she has to help Gary want to talk to her, and she has to make it safe so that
he’ll talk to her constructively. Let’s watch her in action. Gary is doing e-mail in the den alone. The kids
aren’t around, and so they’re likely to have an hour or so without interruptions.

KALI: “I think the kids and I are making life unpleasant for you. It appears to be getting worse and not
better.” (Make it safe: She maintains respect and clarifies her purpose.)

“I want to find an hour when we can discuss this. And I believe that if we do, we could get back
some of the feeling we shared until about a year ago.” (She provides more safety and Mutual
Purpose.)

“If we don’t talk, I don’t think we’ll be able to continue in the same way.” (She makes the invisible
visible, sharing natural consequences that Gary cares about.)

GARY: “Is that a threat?” (He mistakes her last statement as emotional blackmail.)

KALI: “No, and I’m sorry if it sounded like one. I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking you. I just want
us to be able to talk openly about something I’m really concerned about.” (She steps out of the
content and restores safety using Contrasting.)

“Let’s face it, you and I haven’t felt affectionate toward each other in months. I think it’s been bad for
both of us. I think the problems are solvable, but not if we can’t talk about them.” (She shares
natural consequences, links to existing values, takes the focus off short-term pain—a
conversation—and focuses on long-term benefits.)

“The conversation doesn’t have to happen now, but I believe it must happen or the things that are
wrong are just going to get worse. I fear that’s likely to end with us feeling like we’d be happier
apart than together.” (She connects short-term benefits—avoiding the conversation—with long-
term pain.)

“I hate that thought.” (She steps out of content and makes sure he doesn’t mistake the natural
consequence for a threat.)

GARY: “Okay, I’ll try. But if this turns into you telling me how I can’t expect the kids to obey any rules and I
just have to put up with their trashing the house, I’m gone.” (He’s moving to violence—making
threats—because he doesn’t feel safe. He still suspects this will be a blaming conversation with
him as the target. Kali recognizes the lack of safety and avoids reacting to his threat. Instead,
she increases safety.)

KALI: “I know I’ve been doing a lot of that. And I’m sorry. I’ve been very defensive about the kids lately,
and that’s come out as me blaming you and not listening to your concerns. I think if we can talk
about all of this, we can work together better. Is now a good time?”

GARY: “It’s as good as any, I guess. Where do we start?”

CHAPTER SUMMARY
Make It Motivating

We’ve carefully described the gap and are now listening to see if the problem is due to motivation or
ability. In this chapter, we examined the motivational side of the model.
When the other person isn’t motivated, it’s our job to make the right behavior motivating.

Consequences motivate. Motivation isn’t something you do to someone. People already want to do
things. They’re motivated by the consequences they anticipate. And since any action leads to a variety
of consequences, people act on the basis of the overall consequence bundle.

Explore natural consequences. Begin by explaining natural consequences. Within a business context,
this typically includes what’s happening to stakeholders. Stakeholders include other employees,
customers, shareowners, communities, and regulatory agencies.

Match method to circumstances. When people simply want to know, explain both what needs to be
done and why. When dealing with someone who is pushing back, resist the temptation to jump to
power. Search for consequences that matter to the other person.

Finish well. Finally, wrap up the conversation by determining who does what and by when. Then set a
follow-up time.

Additional Resources

Struggling to “make it motivating”? Refer to Appendix C, “When Thing Go Right,” for tips on
motivating with praise. Also, visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources and learn how you can
submit your specific questions to the authors of Crucial Accountability.

What’s Next?

Let’s expand our skills to include the other half of our Six-Source Model. Let’s learn what to do when
the other person is motivated but unable to act.

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources

5
Make It Easy
How to Make Keeping Commitments (Almost) Painless

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.

—CONFUCIUS

It’s time to move to the ability side of our model. We’ll start with an example. Kyle, a political analyst
who works for you, was supposed to write a position paper for an upcoming debate and have it on your
desk by noon, but he didn’t. You call him in for a private discussion and describe the gap. He lets you
know that he really wanted to do what he promised and says that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t. The
specialist who conducts the statistical analysis was hospitalized with a burst appendix, and she’s the only
one who understands the data.
In any case, Kyle was prevented from doing what he agreed to do. And then he did exactly the right

thing: He immediately called to let you know about the problem, but you were in a meeting across town.
He left a message on your voice mail and then tried to track you down. In short, he wasn’t able to meet his
commitment and did his best to let you know. This was definitely not a motivation problem.

DON’T MISDIAGNOSE

Having just read the last chapter, you decide it would be a good idea to tell Kyle about the natural
consequences of missing the deadline. You figure that he needs to know, so you share:

“Let me tell you something. If people ask the wrong questions at the debate, we’re going to
look like a bunch of dopes because we don’t have the position paper.”

Kyle turns ashen, mumbles something about tracking down the specialist, and dashes off like a scared
rabbit.
“Now he’s really motivated!” you think to yourself.
We hope you wouldn’t actually do this. Being the steely-eyed smart person you are, you would note that

Kyle was motivated to do the job. Piling on more reasons for doing something he wasn’t able to do in the
first place would be the wrong cure. Indeed, it would be cruel. Kyle needs help removing the barriers
he’s facing, not a kick in the pants, and so that’s where we’ll turn. What does it take to help others remove
any and all barriers they face? Better still, what can we do to make it easy, even painless, for others to
complete their assignments?

Motivation and Ability Are Inextricably Linked

To learn how to enable others, let’s start by examining two of the more subtle aspects of motivation and
ability. First, motivation and ability are linked at the hip. They aren’t separate entities. More often than
not, they blend into one another. Here’s why. If something is hard to do—perhaps noxious and boring—
it’s demotivating. Who really wants to muck out a horse stall? Or fill out expense reports? Or write a term
paper?
Here’s our first question: If a job is difficult or revolting or tedious, does this constitute an ability

problem or a motivation problem? The person is not able to do the task, at least not easily, and as a result

is not motivated to do it. What are we looking at here?
By the purest definition, if individuals can do a job but are not doing it, it’s because they aren’t

motivated. The metaphorical test that people often apply to this question is “If you held a gun to their
head, could they do it?” If the answer is yes, they’re able but unmotivated.
This simplistic yet violent test doesn’t serve us well. If a job is truly impossible, it’s a clear-cut ability

problem. That’s an easy call. For instance, Kyle tried his best to finish his project but was prevented from
finishing on time. This had nothing to do with motivation. However, if a task is difficult, disgusting, or
dreary, we need to think of the problem in a more complex way. It’s not pure ability. It is a composite
problem with both motivational and capability components.
Here’s how the two elements come together. In the short run, if a task is undesirable but not impossible,

we can crank up the pressure and get the job done. Over the long run, we want to find a way to remove
some of the factors that make the job undesirable, or we’ll constantly be looking for ways to motivate
people to do what they hate doing. And that’s never fun.

Motivation and Ability Can Be Confused

Here’s another concept to keep in mind. When diagnosing the cause, we have to be dead certain that we
haven’t confused motivation and ability. As completely different as the two things are, people don’t
always make it easy for us to tell whether they don’t want to do what’s been asked or can’t do it. In fact,
we pretty much assume that if we ask nicely enough, people will tell us straight out whether they couldn’t
complete an assignment, they wouldn’t, or both.
For instance, Wanda, a service-repair technician who works for you, doesn’t show up at a client’s

office. You ask what happened, and she comes back with “I went there, but the doors were locked. I used
my cell phone to check what was going on and got voice mail.”
It was a clear-cut ability problem. When you’re lucky, people come right out and tell you if a problem

was due to motivation or ability.

Ambiguous Cause
But you’re not always that lucky. More often than you’d like, the other person (in this case, Wanda)

comes back with something such as “You know; stuff came up.”
This response is just ambiguous enough to be dangerous. You need to probe for can’t or won’t. With

this in mind, you ask, “Are you saying that you ran into a problem or that you didn’t want to do it?”
Wanda continues to baffle you by saying, “You know how it is. I just never got around to it.”
You probe one more time: “I’m not sure what you’re saying. Did you choose not to do it, or were you

unable to do it?”

Complicated Cause
Finally Wanda fesses up. She tells you why, and as is often the case, it’s complicated: “I hate working

for those guys. They look over my shoulder and complain the whole time. They give me the creeps. I was
hoping if I didn’t show up, you’d schedule someone else.”
There you have it: she didn’t want to do it (for understandable reasons), shirked the job, didn’t let you

know, left the client hanging, and was hoping that you’d reward her by sending someone else to the tough
client. She chose not to do it (motivation), and as is often the case, she was not all that motivated because
she was not all that able. She didn’t know how to deal with a tough client.
You’d probably start this conversation with the fact that she chose not to do the job, left the client high

and dry, and hoped you’d somehow look the other way. That’s a serious infraction. You might eventually

work with Wanda to help her get better at dealing with tough clients, but you’re not likely to start there. In
any case, this problem, like most, is fairly complicated and requires a detailed diagnosis and multiple
solutions. Without going into all the sources, you’re only going to be able to deal with a subset of the
underlying causes.

Masked Cause
Believe it or not, sometimes people purposely hide the genuine source of a problem. If they fear that

they’ll get in trouble for not being able or not wanting to do what’s been asked, they may stretch the truth
to avoid new problems. For example, an attending physician asks a medical student to insert an
intravenous line into the chest of a 75-year-old patient. The student isn’t quite sure how to do it, but when
the doctor is called away to work on a cardiac arrest, the student says nothing. Instead, he attempts to
insert the line and punctures the sac around the woman’s lung, and the patient later dies of related
complications. A woman dies because the student is uncomfortable saying that he just might be unable to
do what he’s been asked. (This actually happened.)
Perhaps the most common ability problem that people try to hide is their illiteracy (23 percent of the

population is illiterate). Employees fear they’ll lose their jobs if they admit that they can’t read or do
basic math. You ask, “John, how come you didn’t set up the new equipment?” John couldn’t read the
directions, tried his best, and failed. He thinks he’ll be fired if you find out that he can’t read, and so he
answers, “I hate doing that kind of stuff. It has all those fancy numbers and charts and things—not that I
couldn’t do it if I wanted to.”
If you interpret this response to mean that John doesn’t like doing the task, you’ll want to explain the

natural consequences: “John, we have two clients waiting on the job, and the longer you take getting the
equipment up, the longer they’ll have to wait.”
This, of course, is a doomed conversation, because no matter how many consequences you explain,

John is still stuck.
As strange as this may sound, it’s not uncommon to discover that employees who are being disciplined

for excessive resistance or even insubordination are hiding the fact that they couldn’t do what they had
been asked to do. They chose discipline over shame or, worse, what they believe is the possibility of
being fired.
Probably the most common form of masking takes place when people cover up their lack of motivation

with a bogus ability problem. This often occurs when a person figures the boss doesn’t really care what
happens but then the boss shows up wanting to know why the job wasn’t done. Suddenly an ability block
sounds better than saying, “I didn’t make it a priority.” Thus, people come up with whoppers like these:

“I would have been here for the early meeting, but my alarm didn’t go off.”
“I would have mowed the yard before your lawn party but was wondering if maybe I should cut

it shorter than usual.”

It’s important to listen carefully to the answers to your diagnostic questions. When John states, “It’s got
all those fancy numbers and charts and things—not that I couldn’t do it if I wanted to,” a careful person
might continue probing about difficulty, making it safe for John to say that he has trouble with the
directions.
In responding to bogus motivation problems, it’s common to give the person the benefit of the doubt the

first time: “So what are you going to do to ensure that your alarm goes off next time?”
If excuses keep cropping up, you have to deal with the pattern as in this example:

“This is the third time you’ve run into some kind of problem. We’ve been patient, but the fact is,
you have to make those early meetings.”
“The last five times I asked you to do a chore around the house, you agreed, I left on an errand,

and then you came up with questions and didn’t do the job.”

YOUR JOB: MAKE IT EASY

Let’s say you’ve diagnosed the cause and the other person can complete the task, but it’s really horrible
and tedious. Now what? It’s your job to help remove the barrier. It’s your job to help make it easy.
Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with this. In fact, some people take pride in their ability to inspire
others to complete noxious or tedious tasks. In truth:

There is no great honor in being a leader or parent who is able to encourage people to continually
achieve the nearly impossible. It can be gratifying to be an effective motivator, but the best leaders
don’t simply inspire people to continue to do the gut-wrenching, mind-boggling, and noxious. They
help people find ways to ease the gut-wrenching, simplify the mind-boggling, and nullify the noxious.

This is where accountability experts truly shine. They see themselves as facilitators, enablers, and
supporters, not armed guards or cheerleaders. This self-image may go further in separating the best from
the rest than does any skill they actually possess. Skilled individuals take pride in helping others make
things easy. It’s part of their Golden Rule. It’s what they do.
Less skilled and more controlling folks have a different view of their role. They get people to do

whatever it takes at whatever the cost and then brag about their leadership prowess. For them, making
other people’s burdens less burdensome is a sign of weakness. The home version of this attitude isn’t any
more attractive—for instance, getting your spouse to open up about a sensitive issue by piling on a
truckload of guilt and manipulation. Why would anyone ever want to do such a thing? Because it’s a
power trip and some people love power more than they love relationships or even results.
Believing that it’s praiseworthy to be able to compel people to complete tasks that are painful paints an

intriguing yet counterintuitive picture of leadership. After all, human beings are forever finding ways to
avoid pain and seek pleasure, not the other way around.
Distasteful tasks may be good for people at some level, and it’s true that employees are generally

getting paid to do them; but if they’re normal human beings, they’re going to try to find a way to get out of
dreadful jobs or at least make them easier. Don’t most of us use automatic garage door openers, punch TV
remote-control buttons, and open cans with a special gadget of some kind? We don’t need any of these
things, but they make life easier.
It’s important to make this distinction between necessity and convenience because we must be

comfortable with the idea that it’s okay for people to want to find an easier, more convenient way to do a
job.

Desiring to get out of hard and noxious work doesn’t reflect a character flaw; it’s what smart
people do.

When your 12-year-old son goes to great pains to invent an automatic back scratcher or cons his friends
into pushing him around the mall in a wheelchair, you can view him as either lazy or creative. And when
someone who works for you runs into an ability barrier where the job is difficult but not impossible, you
can apply your motivation tools to inspire him to keep his nose to the grindstone. Or you can find a way to
make the task easier. Or you can do both.

For the remainder of this chapter, we’re going to look at how to make it easy for others. We already
know how to motivate. And we’re going to take pride in the fact that we’re making it easy. It’s the smart
thing to do.

TOOLS FOR MAKING IT EASY

Jointly Explore Barriers

Knowing what to do with an ability barrier is actually fairly simple: jointly explore the underlying
ability blocks and remove them. That’s easy. In contrast, knowing how to remove those barriers requires
our attention. That means we need to know if others can’t do something because of personal (they don’t
have the skills or knowledge), social (friends, family, or coworkers are withholding information or
material), or structural (the world around them is structured poorly) factors. But before we consider the
ability side of our Six-Source Model, we’ll have to break years of bad habits.

Avoid Quick Advice

When we hear that someone faces an ability barrier, we habitually jump in with suggestions. We don’t
even think about it. We’re experienced, and we understand how things work, and so when we see an
ability challenge, we roll up our sleeves and fix things. It’s positively Pavlovian. We see a problem, and
bing, the gate is up and our tongues are off and running.

When people come to you and explain that they’re at their wits’ end, it’s nearly guaranteed that
you’re going to tell them what to do. After all, they’re asking you to tell them what to do.
Nevertheless, jumping in with your answers isn’t always the smart move.

Should You Do It Yourself?
Let’s see how this problem plays itself out. A child brings you a broken toy, and you fix it, or at least

you try. After all, the child either doesn’t know what to do or doesn’t have the skills or tools to do it, and
so it’s obvious that you need to do the work. It’s the helpful thing to do. Or is it?
Resourceful people realize that when others face an ability block, you can either tell them outright what

to do (if you know) or invite them to help come up with a solution: “What do you think it’ll take to fix
this?” “Would you like to help me?” Savvy folks choose to work jointly through ability blocks. They fight
their natural tendency to jump in with an answer and instead involve the other person. Here’s why.

Involvement Both Enables and Motivates
Enables
If you involve others in solving problems, two important things happen. First, you get to hear their

ideas. People may not know exactly what to do, but they probably have a good idea about what doesn’t
work. Actually, they may know exactly what to do but need materials or permission to do it. In any case,
start ability discussions with a simple question: “You’ve been working on the problem. What do you think
needs to be done?” Ask them for their ideas. Invite them to put their theories, thoughts, and feelings on the
table. They’ll start to identify the barriers source by source.
When people aren’t completely certain about what to do or if it becomes clear that they don’t

understand the situation fully, it’s perfectly legitimate to chime in with what you think might help. Of
course, how you toss in ideas makes a big difference. Style counts. The feeling of the conversation should
be one of partnering. You’re working together as intellectual equals, both of you throwing in your

thoughts.

Motivates
There’s an important secondary benefit to involving others. When people are included in coming up

with a potential solution, they’re more likely to be motivated to implement it, and that’s important.
Consider the following formula:

Effectiveness = accuracy × commitment

Most problems have multiple solutions. The effectiveness of a solution depends on the accuracy of the
chosen tactic. That’s obvious. It’s equally important that the person implementing the tactic believe in it.
That’s where commitment comes into play.

A solution that is tactically inferior, but has the full commitment of those who implement it, may be
more effective than one that is tactically superior but is resisted by those who have to make it work.

Let’s be clear about what we’re proposing. Many people argue that the reason for involving others is to
trick them into thinking the ideas are their own so that they’ll work harder to implement them. We’re not
suggesting that you manipulate people into thinking that your ideas are theirs. Involving others is not a
cheap trick. We’re simply proposing that other people do have ideas, that getting them out in the open is to
everyone’s advantage, and that when people are involved in the entire thought process, they see why
things need to be done a certain way and are motivated to do it that way.
By involving others, you empower them. You provide them with both the means and the motive to

overcome problems.

Start by Asking for Ideas

Involving people is better than merely telling people. But how should you do that? This is quite simple.

Start by asking other people for their ideas. They’re closest to the problem; start with their best
thinking.

When we first trained people to deal with ability problems, it all seemed so simple. You ask others for
their ideas, you get to hear their best thoughts, and they’re empowered. What could be easier? Who could
possibly mess this up? As it turns out, there are several ways to go wrong. Here are the top three tactics to
avoid.

Don’t Bias the Response
As we trained people with these materials over the years, many participants would try to involve the

others in resolving an ability problem in the following way:

“So you haven’t been able to get in touch with the lawyers. Here’s an idea: drive over to their
office and wait until they return. What do you think?”

People who choose this tactic understand only half of the concept of empowerment. As long as they
give the other person a chance to disagree, they feel okay.
Unfortunately, when you’re speaking from a power base, offering up your idea first and then asking for

the other person’s approval misses the mark. You’re likely to bias the other person. First, you’re filling

his or her head with your idea, and this can cut off new thinking. Second, you may inadvertently be
sending the message that your idea is what you really want, and so others are not about to disagree with
you.
In the example just mentioned, the person is likely to say, “Perfect, I’ll drive across town.”
Ask other people for their thoughts; wait for them to share their best ideas, and then, if it is still

necessary, chime in with your thoughts. For example, when you are speaking to your teenage son about not
clearing two feet of snow from your driveway, he explains that the gas-powered snow thrower is jammed.
You ask, “What will it take to fix it?” You have an idea but wait to hear what he has to say. He explains

that he ran over the Sunday paper and the machine ate it, and now its throat is jammed. From there he
explains what it’ll take to clear it, what he’s doing, and how long it’ll take. You offer an idea about a
better tool and a way to use it, and together you come up with a plan for what he’ll do.

Don’t Pretend to Involve Others
This mistake in involving other people in solving an ability barrier is propelled by two forces. First,

you already have an idea and would prefer to implement it without involving others. Second, you believe
that you now have to involve others because it’s the politically correct thing to do. Here’s what you come
up with: you simply pretend to involve others by asking for their ideas, after which you subtly manipulate
them to come around to your way of thinking.
As you might suspect, this technique comes off as glaringly manipulative. It looks more like sending a

rat through a maze and periodically throwing it a pellet for making the correct turn than like engaging in a
legitimate effort to involve another human being in removing an ability barrier. Here is an example:

“What do you think it’ll take to get these things out on time?” you ask.
“How about if we put more people on the job?” (You grimace and shake your head.)
“I guess I could work overtime myself.” (This time you frown deeply.)
“I don’t know. What if I leave out a few steps along the way?”
“What did you have in mind?” you inquire.
“We don’t have to shrink-wrap the materials. That’ll save a couple of hours.”
“No, not that. Maybe the paperwork.”
“I could leave out the billing until …”
“I was thinking of different paperwork,” you hint. “How about the environmental reports?”
“I love your idea. Delay the environmental stuff, and oh yeah, thanks for coming up with the

perfect solution.”

People laugh when they watch a video of this script because this kind of thing happens all the time.
Some parents practically have a doctorate in this technique:

“What would you like to have for dinner?” Mom asks.
“Mac and cheese!” the kids shout.
“I was thinking of something with more green in it.”
“Really old mac and cheese.”
“Funny. How about something with vegetables?” Mom continues.
“Mac and cheese with green beans.”
“Nope,” Mom says with a frown. “Too starchy.” And the endless search for what Mom really has

in mind continues.

The problem with these interactions is not that the person in authority had an opinion. These people do
have opinions, and they’re certainly allowed to share them or even give a unilateral command. That’s not
the problem. The problem comes when this person attempts to pass off his or her opinions as an
involvement opportunity. The sham ends up looking like a game of “read my mind” and is quite insulting.
Involve others in solving ability blocks only if you’re willing to listen to their suggestions.

Don’t Feel the Need to Have All the Answers
This mistake is the product of low confidence and a bad idea. Newly appointed leaders are often

unwilling to ask their direct reports for their thoughts because these leaders believe that if they don’t
appear to know everything about the job, they’ll look incompetent. In their view, asking for ideas isn’t a
smart tactic; it’s a sign of weakness. When they are facing an employee with an ability problem, the newly
appointed do their best to share their insights. The last thing they want to do is query an employee who not
only reports to them but obviously needs help.

Of all the bad ideas circulating the grapevine, pretending that leaders must know everything is
among the most ridiculous and harmful. Leaders earn their keep, not by knowing everything, but by
knowing how to bring together the right combination of people (most of whom know a great deal
more about certain topics than the leader will ever know) and propel them toward common
objectives.

Confident leaders are very comfortable saying, “It beats me. Does anyone know the answer to that?” or
“I don’t know, but I can find out.”
A couple’s version of not involving others takes an interesting turn. We’re often unwilling to approach a

loved one with a high-stakes problem until we’ve come up with the exact solution we want. The
uncertainty of approaching a conversation without a bulletproof plan can be terrifying. What if we can’t
fix it all? What if there is no answer? What if our partner comes up with a really stupid answer? Thus, we
think up everything in advance, precluding the other person’s genuine involvement.
Completing the conversation in one’s head—before one actually speaks—nullifies the whole purpose

of an accountability discussion. The idea should be jointly to create shared solutions that serve your
Mutual Purpose. If you feel compelled to prefabricate answers, consider this: you don’t have to make it
all better. All you have to do is collaborate. As you develop shared solutions, well-handled
accountability discussions become the glue of your relationship; they help you face and conquer common
enemies. Don’t exclude your partner by developing a plan before you’ve even opened the conversation.
Parents struggle with the same issue. Should they hold true to the adage “Never let them see you

sweat”? Obviously, kids need to know that adults are confident and in charge. They feel secure believing
that grown-ups know what to do. So whatever you do, don’t ask them for their ideas. It’ll freak them out.
Still, wouldn’t it be better if children learned early on that their parents may be trying their best but don’t
always know everything?
Get over it. It’s okay to ask children for their ideas. They will eventually (say, by age seven) know

more than you do about all things electronic. Take comfort in the knowledge that you don’t have to be
omniscient or even “semiscient.” You’ve been around. You bring home the bacon and cook it. You’ve
been potty-trained for years. Don’t worry. You already have enough power and credibility to guilt-trip
your kids.

Look at the Six Sources of Influence
Let’s assume that after observing someone who has failed to live up to a promise, you carefully

diagnose the situation. It’s clear that the other person is motivated but can’t do what he or she has been
asked. You stop, pause long enough to stifle your ingrained impulse to jump in with your best and smartest
recommendation, and say, “You’re closest to the problem. What do you think needs to be done?”
Having asked for the other person’s view, it’s time for us to return to our diagnostic tool. We need to

think through jointly which of the potential sources is at play. We need to listen to the other person’s
recommendations and then do our best to partner with that person in thinking through the root causes.
This can be tricky. When it comes to motivating others, any single source can overcome all the

detractors. You may hate doing your job, your friends may make fun of you for doing it, and your family
may offer no support whatsoever, but you need the money. You’re motivated. When it comes to
motivation, one source is all it takes.
With ability, the opposite is true. Any single barrier can trump all the enabling forces. You know what

to do and have the right materials to do it, but your coworker hasn’t done his or her part. You’re missing
only one element, but you’re dead in the water. When it comes to ability, since a single factor can stop all
the other forces in the universe that have joined together to make it possible to do what’s required, you’d
better be good at exploring all possible detractors. Otherwise you could be minutes away from a severe
disappointment. You, along with the other person, had better be good at exploring all the existing as well
as all the potential ability barriers.

Brainstorm Ability Barriers
Let’s assume that the other person is willing to look at the various forces that are making it hard to do

what’s required. But he or she is not completely aware of all the forces at play. The two of you will have
to brainstorm the underlying causes. And if you want to do that, you need to be good at dealing with
ability barriers that stem from personal, social, and structural factors.

Personal

Brainstorming personal ability issues can be tricky. As we suggested earlier, people often mask their
inability. They’d rather point to other barriers than say they can’t do something, particularly if the task is a
basic part of the job. Make it safe for the other person to talk about personal challenges. Calmly ask about
his or her comfort with doing the job, knowledge levels, and other skill factors. Keep the conversation
upbeat.

Social
The enabling or disabling role others play is typically easier to discuss. This is about what other

people are or are not doing, and so it can be less threatening. Nevertheless, when the people you’re
talking with worry about “ratting” on their colleagues, they may cover up for their friends by blaming
other factors. Once again, make it safe to talk about colleagues and coworkers. Don’t use a “find-the-
guilty” tone. This isn’t about blame or retribution; it’s about finding and removing ability barriers.

Structural
The role the physical world plays in the problem is generally the easiest to discuss. People willingly

point fingers at the things the company is doing to make their life more difficult—if they remember to think
about them. Remember, human beings often forget the role of things in preventing them from achieving
what they want to do. People also accept the physical world around them as a given, something that can’t
be changed: “Things have always been this way.” Kick-start people’s thinking. Ask about everything from
systems, to work layout, to policies and procedures.

Three More Hints
As you jointly brainstorm ability barriers, don’t forget to ask yourself the following three questions as

the discussion winds down.

Will this person keep facing the problem? When you are removing ability blocks, you must ensure that
the problem won’t keep resurfacing. Coming up with a one-time fix is hardly the preferred solution.
For instance, the person doesn’t have the materials needed. Making a phone call to secure the material
solves the immediate problem but doesn’t answer the question “Will this problem occur again, and
why?”

Will others have similar problems? This companion question explores the need for extending the
solution to others. For example, a person doesn’t know how to do the job. The two of you come up
with a development plan. Will others need a similar plan, or is the problem unique to that person?

Have we identified all the root causes? The ultimate question, of course, is “Have you brought to the
surface all the forces, fixing them once and for all?” For instance, the person needs to take a software
course. Why didn’t the existing course help? The teacher was ineffective? Why was that? Japanese
executives encourage leaders to ask why five times. We suggest that you probe until you’ve dealt with
all the elements once and for all.

Advise Where Necessary

Our goal has been to collaborate with the other person in bringing to the surface and resolving ability
blocks. We don’t want to rush into solutions too quickly or force our ideas onto others. Besides, as we’ve
argued all along, the people closest to a problem are likely to see more barriers than anyone else can.
Nevertheless, there are times when people do need help. They can’t see the barriers that have them
stymied. In this case, it is our job to teach and advise, to point out stumbling blocks. In short, our job is to

make invisible barriers more visible.

Think Physical Features
What kinds of barriers are most likely to remain a mystery to people? As we suggested earlier, most

people have a hard time seeing organizational or environmental factors. The “things” around us are often
static to the point of becoming invisible. Left to our own devices, we’d be the frog that boils to death in
the pot because we miss the fact that the heat around us is increasing. We have a hard time noticing subtle
forces such as the design of the environment, the availability of tools and technology, the chain of
command, and policies and procedures.
For instance, your increasingly estranged relationship with your teenage son may be affected by the fact

that he moved into the basement. Now the two of you bump into each other only in and around the vicinity
of the refrigerator. Since you’re on a diet and he no longer frequents the family room, you hardly see each
other anymore. Be sure the natural flow of the physical world supports your social goals. Think “things.”
Help others see the impact of the physical world.
As far as work goes, it can be helpful to encourage people to identify the various bureaucratic forces

that are preventing them from doing what needs to be done. With time and constant exposure, people start
to accept rules, policies, and regulations as a given. They start treating them like commandments or laws
of nature. Soon these highly constraining walls of bureaucracy become invisible.
Make them visible. Play the role of ignorant outsider. Keep asking, “Why can’t we do that?” If a policy

is no longer relevant, find a way to do away with it. If a rule is excessively constraining, secure
permission to release the constraint. Every time someone passes a new company rule, you can bet it’s in
response to someone making a bad choice. Now everyone is restricted from ever making a choice:

“Listen up, folks. Roberta broke the law yesterday, so we’ll all be going to jail.”

Keep in mind that rules and policies don’t solve everything and that the ones you make in-house you
can unmake.
If you really want to help people identify hidden barriers, attack the paperwork. Look at forms and

signatures as targets for change. If people can’t complete their jobs on time because it takes seven
signatures to get started, revisit why the signatures are required.
One company cut its response time in half by reviewing such a policy. The typical customer-service

response couldn’t begin until seven people signed off on a form. This was the liberating idea: Typically,
three of the people needed to give approval, but the other four only needed to be informed. Allowing
employees to act after three signatures and then routing the form to the other four after the fact rocked their
world.
By all means give people easy access to the information they need to make the right choices. Make sure

that from the mass of data that’s out there, the right data are in front of the right people at the right time.
For example, quit complaining that your daughter isn’t following her diabetes regimen if she’s cut off from
the data (her various blood sugar levels and the consequences of each one) that would encourage her to
do the right thing. You can harangue. You can beg. Or you can put numbers and charts in front of her.
Here’s another helpful tool. To help surface all sources of influence, ask, “If you ran this place, what

would you do to solve this problem?” Asking people to assume the role of the big boss can be extremely
liberating. Freed from the shackles of thinking from within their own fields of influence, they begin to
look for ways to remove every company-made barrier.
In short, think hidden forces, think lots of forces, and keep at it until you’re satisfied that you’ve

wrestled every single barrier to the ground.

CHECK BOTH SIDES

As you finish an accountability discussion, there’s a danger that despite your efforts to surface all the
causes behind an ability problem, you still have unfinished business. The person still might not be
motivated. How could that happen? This typically occurs when you describe a problem and the person
immediately identifies an ability barrier. People tend to point to an ability block because it’s less
threatening—even when they may also have conflicting priorities.
That brings us to our point. The fact that people start by identifying an ability block doesn’t guarantee

that once it’s removed, they’ll actually want to do what they’ve promised to do. Once you’ve finished
identifying and removing ability barriers, check both sides of the model. Ask, “If I get the work-up to you
by two o’clock, are you willing to do what it takes to finish the job by five, or is there something else I
need to know?”
Checking both sides means that you end a discussion of ability by checking for motivation. Of course, it

goes both ways. If a person starts with “Do you really want me to do that? It’s such a pain,” and you spend
time explaining the natural consequences until he or she agrees to comply, there’s a chance the person may
also be facing an ability barrier or two. Once the person has agreed to comply, check the other side.
Check for ability problems: “It sounds like you’re willing to do this, but is there anything standing in your
way? Is there anything else we need to deal with, or can I count on you having this to me by Tuesday at
nine?”
Once you’ve dealt with motivation, check ability. If you start with ability, check motivation. Remember

to check both sides.

Make It Safe for Others to Search

Let’s end our discussion of ability problems by considering a difficult case. You want to brainstorm
root causes with another person but don’t have the authority to do so.
For instance, your boss promises to give you a hand with customers during peak hours, but he’s

routinely unavailable when you need him. Are you really going to have to motivate your boss to live up to
his promise? Is that what’s going on? One thing is certain: you want to get to the root cause. Does he
dislike helping out because he doesn’t like working with hostile customers? Does he think the work is
beneath him? Are other priorities more important? Has he forgotten how to do the job?
You don’t know what’s actually going on here. Your only goal is to talk to your boss, identify the real

forces behind his not helping, and learn if he’s going to keep his commitment or if you’re going to have to
find a way to live without his help. That means you have to encourage your boss to join with you as you
brainstorm reasons he isn’t keeping his commitment. Or if you’re in a real hurry, you could just step in
front of a moving train.

Ask for Permission
We’ve talked about this before. If you lack the authority to require another person to discuss root

causes, you can do so only by permission. So ask for it. If you do have the authority, ask for it anyway:
“Since we agree on the problem, could we take a few minutes to talk about what’s in the way of solving
it? I’d like to be as helpful as I can in making it easy to avoid the problem in the future. Would that be
okay?”

Ask for Feedback
Perhaps the most gracious way to open the door to a complete discussion of underlying causes is to ask

if you are adding to the problem. When you take responsibility for your contribution, you make it safe for
other people to do the same thing: “My goal is to solve the problem. I’m particularly interested in learning
about anything I might be doing to contribute to the challenges you face.”

Prime the Pump
People often feel unsafe discussing root causes because they fear that any analysis will make them look

weak or selfish. If they’re not able, that’s bad. If they’re not motivated, that may look worse. You need to
change this view. Your job in leading a root-cause discussion is to let others know that you see them as
people of worth who are currently unable to do what’s expected. This isn’t about fixing their character;
it’s about a fixing a problem.
One of the best ways to assure others that you’re not going to get angry when you learn the root cause is

to “prime the pump,” or take your best guess at possible causes, without looking stressed, miffed, or
judgmental. This helps others start the flow of information by making it safe for them to speak honestly.
Priming works only if you take your best guess in a way that tells the other person that you’re okay with
him or her admitting to what you just described. Word choice, body language, and tone of voice make a
huge difference. Consider the following question: “Is that too hard for you?”
Now read the line in a patronizing way. Next, do it in anger. To draw on your real talents, read the line

with sarcasm. Finally, try to be respectful. Imagine that this is a person you care about and genuinely want
to help. How does that affect your delivery?
When priming is done well, it provides others with real-time visible evidence that you’re not going to

demean or criticize them for honestly discussing the real issues. In short, your success depends on
whether you see other people as human beings or villains. If you’ve come to see others as people you
want to help succeed, most of the time you’ll do just fine.

CHAPTER SUMMARY
Make It Easy

We’ve carefully described the gap and are now listening to see if the problem is due to motivation or
ability. In this chapter, we examined the ability side of the model. When the other person isn’t able, it’s
our job to make it easy.

When facing ability barriers, make impossible tasks possible and nasty tasks less nasty. In short, when
others face ability barriers, make it easy.

Jointly explore root causes. Take care to avoid jumping in with your own solutions. Empower others by
allowing them to take part in diagnosing the real cause and coming up with workable solutions. Ask
others for their ideas. Remember the all-important question “What do you think it’ll take?”

When others can’t identify all the causes, jointly explore the underlying forces—include personal,
social, and structural factors. Remember the model. When necessary, stimulate the brainstorming
process by including your own view of what some of the barriers may be.

Once you’re finished with surfacing and resolving ability barriers, check both sides. See if others are
willing to do what’s required once you’ve taken steps to enable them. Just because they can do
something, doesn’t mean they’re willing.

What’s Next?

Now it’s time to move on to the next problem. What happens if you’re in the middle of an
accountability discussion and a whole new infraction emerges? Do you dare deal with it? Do you dare
not? How can you stay both focused and flexible?

6
Stay Focused and Flexible
What to Do When Others Get Sidetracked, Scream, or Sulk

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.

—SENATOR EVERETT DIRKSEN

Up to this point we’ve created a map showing how to master an accountability discussion. It’s intended
to describe key principles and skills, not fixed roads laid down on an unmovable terrain. This means that
the principles and skills have to be woven into a workable script on the spot, as the conversation unfolds.
This on-the-spot creativity calls for an enormous amount of flexibility. After we describe the gap, we

have to diagnose what’s happening. Are people failing to come through because of a motivation problem,
or is it ability? Otherwise, we’re likely to charge in blindly and apply the wrong prefabricated fix: “I
can’t believe that you came to our biggest meeting of the year a full 30 minutes late. … Oh, your mom’s
funeral, huh?”
That was awkward.
It gets worse. Not only do we have to work unrehearsed and on the fly, but we have to be flexible

enough to deal with new problems as they seem to appear out of nowhere. You’re talking about problem
X, and problem Y emerges right there on the spot.
For instance, you’re talking to a coworker about doing his fair share of the workload, and he becomes

angry. You’re chatting with your daughter about failing to practice the piano, and she lies to you. You’re
talking to an employee about missing a deadline, and he becomes insubordinate. You’re talking to your
unemployed husband about actively looking for work, and he tries to divert you from the problem by
playing the martyr. Your head accountant clams up when you ask her why the end-of-month reports aren’t
ready. Then she gets angry. All these situations present you with new, emergent problems.

WE MUST BE FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE

As new problems emerge, we have to be focused enough not to get sidetracked. We can’t let every
breeze blow us in a different direction. By the same token, we have to be flexible enough to step away
from the current issue and deal with the new problems on the spot if necessary.
When a brand-new problem with a life of its own comes up in the middle of an accountability

discussion, we have to make a decision. Do we step away from the current infraction (putting a bookmark
in place so that we can get back to it later) and address the new problem? Or do we stay the course? This
takes us back to the issue we addressed in Chapter 1: What is the right conversation? Now we’re
introducing the idea that the right conversation can change before your eyes.
The answer to this new if question is simple. If the new, emergent problem is more serious, time

sensitive, or emotional than the original one or if it’s important to the other person, you have to deal with
it right there, on the spot. You can’t allow the new and more important issue to be at the mercy of the
original violation.
For example, you can’t have your daughter lying to you. Lying is worse than missing practice. You can’t

allow an employee to become insubordinate. If you don’t say something right away, you undermine your
credibility. You can’t allow a person to fume and boil and pretend nothing is happening. It’ll only get

worse.
The good news is that if you choose to move to the new and emergent topic, all the skills we’ve looked

at so far are applicable. Of course, if you decide to deal with the new problem, you need to do so in a
focused way. Don’t be tricked into getting sidetracked and don’t drift aimlessly from topic to topic.
Carefully transition when you change your focus. In short, as new and emergent problems surface, do the
following:

Be flexible:
Note new problems.
Select the right problem: the original problem, the new one, or both.
Resolve the new problem and return to the original issue.

Be focused:
Deal with problems one at a time.
Consciously choose to deal with new issues; don’t allow them to be forced upon you.

FOUR DIFFERENT EMERGENT PROBLEMS AND HOW TO ADDRESS THEM

To see how this works, let’s look at four different categories of new problems: there is a loss of safety,
there is a loss of trust, a completely different issue becomes a problem, and explosive emotions take over.
Each category requires the same basic skills, but each is different enough that it deserves careful and
separate attention.

People Feel Unsafe

This is the most common emergent problem, and we talked about it earlier. You’re discussing a failed
promise, and the other person becomes frightened and starts to pull away from the discussion or push too
hard. Either response brings a healthy conversation to a screeching halt. Fear, and the resulting silence or
violence, is the emergent problem.
If you don’t step out of the existing conversation and establish safety, you’re never going to resolve the

issue at hand. So that’s what you do. You step out, create safety, and step back in. In this case you don’t
need to acknowledge a change in topic because you aren’t changing topics. You’re simply dealing with the
real problem, which is not the topic itself but the fact that the other person feels unsafe discussing it.
To restore safety, you point to your shared purpose. You assure the other person that you care about

what he or she cares about. You use Contrasting to clarify the misunderstanding. You apologize when
necessary. You make it safe. If you don’t, you’ll never be able to resolve the original issue.
For example, you’re talking to a coworker about not helping you out on a boring job. She agreed to lend

a hand, but she took a phone call and then disappeared until you finished the noxious task. You describe
the problem, tentatively sharing your path. You wonder if she purposely left and didn’t return until she
knew that the dreadful job had been done. She immediately becomes offended, averts her eyes, and says
in a hurt tone, “Are you saying I’m not a good friend? That I take advantage of you? Is that what you think
of me?”
You respond by sharing your common purpose: “I was just hoping to come up with a way to ensure that

we’re both working on the job we hate the most. Neither of us likes to do it.” Then you Contrast: “I didn’t
mean to imply that you weren’t a good friend. I think you are. I just wanted to talk about the one job.”
Then you apologize: “I’m sorry if it sounded like I was falsely accusing you. I’m just curious about why
you left in the middle of a job when you knew I really wanted you to lend a hand.”

People Violate Your Trust

This is probably the most dangerous emergent problem, the number one killer of accountability, and the
chief reason most people can’t hold others accountable without breaking out in hives. You ask a person
who reports to you why he failed to attend the computer training class he had agreed to sit in on, and he
explains that he would have been there but “something came up.”
Not knowing if this is code for a motivation problem or an ability problem, you ask him exactly what

prevented him from keeping his promise. You’re thinking that if it wasn’t a meteorite crashing into his
cubicle, you’re not going to be all that sympathetic. You know he hates computer training. However, he
desperately needs it, and so you inconvenienced everyone else on the work team to schedule it around his
needs. Now he’s telling you that something came up:

“Omar in payroll needed someone to run over to headquarters for him, and I was the only one
who drove to work today. Everyone else came in on the subway.”
“And running an errand for Omar was more important than the training?” you ask.
“Of course! It was the payroll.”
“Well, yes, the payroll is important.”

The problem with what just happened is that you allowed this to become a conversation about choosing
payroll over training. That’s not the big issue, at least not yet. It should be a conversation about trust. The
other person made a promise and unilaterally decided to break it. This is a huge violation of trust and an
insult to the relationship. To mask this breach of accountability, the other person focuses on the content
(payroll versus training) rather than the relationship.
Is this a big deal? Almost nothing in a company, including the payroll, is more important than finding a

way to fix the lack of accountability this scene depicts. The person failed to live up to a commitment, and
nothing happened. Actually, he was allowed to ignore the real issue: the broken promise.

Something Came Up

Companies that continually allow things to come up without dealing with the breach of promise
don’t survive very long. And while they are limping along, they’re horrible places to work. Nothing
destroys trust more than casually giving assignments and then hoping against hope that people will
deliver. You may like the fact that your boss doesn’t always follow up with you, giving you
substantial freedom, but you hate it when others are equally loose and unpredictable. Heaven help
the company that lets things come up.

In a similar vein, when family members allow one another to break promises and ignore the
consequences, pain and suffering are just around the corner. When it comes to child rearing, arbitrary
accountability is a big contributor to delinquency and insecurity. Giving family members the luxury of
arbitrarily choosing which promises they’ll keep—turning life into a cafeteria of commitments in which
people can keep one of this one but not one of those—drives people insane.

The Intersection of Flexibility and Focus
Let’s be realistic. Things do come up. In today’s tumultuous world, changes occur all the time, and if

you can’t make mid-course corrections as new information pours in, your company will die. You have to
be strong and flexible. You have to be able to bend but not break.

How can you be at once focused and flexible? It’s actually easy. At the heart of every workable
accountability system, there is one simple sentence: “If something comes up, let me know as soon as you
can.”
This sentence represents the marriage of flexibility and focus. In these 12 words, two seemingly

contradictory elements form a perfect harmony: the yin and yang of accountability. Although the words are
sparse, to speak them is to say:

“I want you to live up to your promise. Please don’t unilaterally break it. I want you to focus on
getting the job done. At the same time, I realize that the world can change. Things come up. Many
of these barriers will negate your existing promise. If something does come up, let me know as
soon as possible so there are no surprises and so we can decide together how to handle the
situation.”

Consider the following situations:
Sometimes the thing that comes up will affect motivation. For example, your son is on the way to take a

makeup algebra test after school and his uncle stops him along the route and asks him to go to the movies.
He’s been lonely since his divorce, and your son thinks he should go along. So he wants to change his
priority. But not without talking to you. Together you should decide if your son should provide familial
support or if he should take the makeup test, or maybe you can find a way to do both.
Sometimes the thing that comes up will affect ability. For instance, the air-conditioning unit breaks

down, and the production manager thinks she should let everyone go home early even though she promised
to finish a project. This may be the right solution, but she should first check with the major stakeholders
(in this case, her boss) to see if this is the best solution for the situation. Maybe, based on the reasons for
the deadline and the costs of missing it, it makes better business sense to pay the service experts overtime
plus a surcharge to get the equipment fixed right away.
With a policy of “If something comes up, let me know as soon as you can,” we should expect pretty

immediate communication. Thanks to modern technology, when we say, “Let’s talk as soon as you can,”
we know that can be pretty fast. Between e-mail, voice mail, text messages, and cell phones, we are
always no farther away from each other than the speed of light and the click of a button. To put this in
perspective, you can track someone down in China about a hundred million times faster than Marco Polo.

The Foundation of Crucial Accountability
Let’s return to our friend who told us that he didn’t attend the computer class because something came

up. What should we say to him? Naturally, the way we approach the failed promise will depend on our
own private history of accountability. If our company promises are merely rough guidelines, include the
possibility of a surprise, or are made with a wink, we’ve reaped what we’ve sown. There’s really not
much we can say. In fact, in a huge number of companies (and families are no different), the following is
true:

Results = no results + a good story

In institutions where accountability is shaky, people treat you as if you’ve succeeded as long as you
have a good excuse or story. In this inventive culture, failure accompanied by a plausible excuse equals
success. And we all know what the good story is: “Something came up.” It’s the catchall story. It keeps
you from ever being held accountable—that is, if friends, family, bosses, and coworkers actually let you
get away with it.

But you know better. You understand that an accountability discussion by definition deals with broken
commitments, and if you don’t have to keep commitments, everything falls apart. You also know that
things change, and so if there is a need to change, talk as soon as you can.
Therefore, when you first started working with your team, you spoke in great detail about the all-

important sentence: “If something comes up, let me know as soon as you can.”
You explained how these few words, when honored, bring predictability into a turbulent world. You

spoke eloquently about how this simple phrase emphasizes the importance of both the need for flexibility
and the need for predictability. You talked about how it forms the very foundation of trust. And finally,
when you first talked with your direct report about attending the computer class, you ended by reaffirming
your stance. You said, “By the way, if something comes up, let me know as soon as you can.” And you
meant it.
So what do you say to the fellow who thinks that as long as Omar in payroll asked him to do something

important, he has been liberated from his original promise? What is the right conversation to have? The
problem isn’t that he didn’t attend the class (that is a problem but not the problem); the problem is that he
saw what he thought called for a change in the plan and changed it. Not only did he make the choice on his
own, but he didn’t have the courtesy to call you. He left you completely out of the decision. That’s a trust
problem.
Guess what: if you talk about the training issue and not about the trust problem, you’ll walk away

dissatisfied and trusting the person even less, and you won’t even realize that you’ve had the wrong
conversation. Of course, if you do talk about mistrust, the consequences of violating one’s word must be
severe. You no longer know if the other person will honor his word. Predictability is shaky. You may have
to monitor him more closely. You may have to follow up more frequently. You don’t want to do this, and
he’s not going to like it. This is the new problem, and these are some of the attendant consequences.

Create a Bedrock of Trust

To establish a climate in which accountability discussions are built on a bedrock of trust, stay
focused. Set clear and firm expectations. Stay flexible. End by stating, “If something comes up, let
me know as soon as you can.” Finally, when you’re talking with someone who tries to excuse a
missed assignment by saying that “something came up,” deal with this emergent problem—this
violation of trust—as a new challenge. Never let it slide.

New Problems Sneak onto the Scene

Let’s look at another category of emergent problems. You’re talking about a failed expectation, and the
other person, besides saying that something came up, does something that is actually worse than the
original infraction.
For instance, you’re the only female member of your team at work. You’re talking to a coworker who

somehow always seems to find a way to get out of the tasks nobody likes to do. You’ve agreed to share all
jobs equally, there are four of you, and he works on the disagreeable assignments only about 10 percent of
the time. This math isn’t working for you.
You decide to talk about your conclusion that he’s purposely skipping out of the unpopular jobs,

knowing that you’ll start with the facts and then tentatively tell him what you and others are beginning to
conclude. This actually goes fairly well. Then he says, “You know, I’m glad you brought up the issue.
Women shouldn’t let guys like me walk all over them. In fact, I like women who are strong.”

You continue along the problem-solving path, trying to see if he’ll agree to take his fair share of the
noxious tasks, and he adds, “Forceful women are a bit of a turn-on.”
He’s now leaning close to you and sort of leering. You don’t like leaning and leering, and you really

don’t like the words turn on unless they refer to an electrical switch. So you tell him that, including the
semifunny electrical switch line. You figure you’ll use humor to break the tension.
He comes back with “Exactly what are your turn-ons?”
Okay, that’s it. Given his insensitive persistence, you decide to step away from the fairness issue and

confront the new problem. He is acting inappropriately, and you don’t like it. In fact, it feels like
harassment. This is the problem you want to discuss. The behaviors, of course, include using sexual
innuendo, leaning, and leering.
To deal with this tricky emergent problem, start by announcing the change in topic. It’s okay to change

topics, but always clarify what you’re doing. Place a bookmark where you just were so that it will be
easy to return to it later. If you don’t, you lose your place and sometimes forget that you changed topics:
“I’d like to talk about what just happened.”
This stops the conversation dead in its tracks. Next, do everything you’ve learned so far. Pick the

problem you want to discuss. Take charge of your harsh feelings by telling a story other than “He’s a filthy
pig who needs to die a painful death.” What’s likely to be going on is that he thinks he’s flirting and it’s
cute. He actually believes that. Bring your emotions under control by telling a more accurate story. Then
describe the gap. Move from the content conversation to the relationship one (his disrespectful behavior):
“You just made references to your ‘turn-ons,’ you moved so close to me that I felt uncomfortable, and your
eyes were moving up and down my body. What’s going on here?”
Shocked that anyone would actually call him on something he’s been getting away with for years, he

apologizes and says it won’t happen again.
You then close the discussion by seeking a clear commitment: “So I can count on you to treat me like a

professional in the future?”
He quickly nods in agreement.
That was easy. No need for consequences. No need to analyze underlying ability blocks: “Sorry, I was

raised by wild animals and am a bit of a social moron.” He agrees to back off, and your life just got
better.
Now you face one more issue. Do you return to the original problem? You still haven’t resolved the job

equity issue. This is something you have to decide in the moment. Sometimes, having dealt with a much
larger problem, you decide to return to the original problem another time. Continuing now could seem like
piling it on. Besides, in this case he may want to make a hasty exit to regain his dignity and composure.
Naturally, if there is enough safety to continue, go ahead and finish what you started. Retrieve the
bookmark and continue where you left off.

These steps can be applied to any new problem that emerges in the middle of an accountability
discussion. Pull out of the original infraction, announce the change in topic, discuss the new
infraction, bring it to a satisfactory resolution, and then decide whether you need to return to the
original issue.

For instance, you’re talking to your seven-year-old daughter about not practicing the piano as she
promised she would. She explains that she did practice. You were sitting at the piano folding clothes
during the appointed time, and so you tell her that and end with “Since you weren’t here, how did you
practice?” Your daughter bursts into tears because she’s been caught in a lie. You now have a new and

bigger problem.
“I didn’t practice because I hate practicing at four o’clock every day,” she says. “That’s the best

playtime, and I miss being with my friends.”
Now you know why she didn’t practice, but that’s no longer the problem you want to discuss. She lied.

This is now a relationship conversation. Of course, she wants to talk about the inconvenient practice time
(the content issue). That solves her problem. It also takes the focus off the bigger issue: she lied. Make
sure to have the right conversation:

“I’d like to talk about what just happened.”
“What’s that?”
“When I asked you about your piano practice, you said that you did practice, but you didn’t.”
“That’s because everyone plays kickball in the cul-desac, and I love to play kickball.”
“What I’d like to talk about is not your practice time; we’ll get back to that later. [Place a

bookmark.] I want to talk about the fact that you lied to me.” [Announce the new topic.]

Then you talk about lying. She says she’ll never ever do it again, but you fear that she doesn’t fully
understand the consequence of her lying, and so you choose to explain what happens when you can no
longer take her at her word. You treat this as a teaching moment, explain the natural consequences that
result from lying, and work through the problem, and she apologizes. Then she wants to get back to the
trouble with her piano practice time, which you resolve by moving it to a later hour.
Pull out, announce the change in topic, confront the new problem, work it through to a satisfactory

resolution, and then decide whether you want to return to the original infraction. Of course, this can work
only if you spot the new problem and then choose to deal with it. This can be difficult when you’re
already trying to handle another problem, but that’s how the world of human interaction unfolds. New
problems emerge all the time.
Sometimes you can experience three different emergent problems in a couple of minutes, and you have

to decide which ones to confront. For instance, you’re talking with your husband, who is out of work and
isn’t spending much time seeking employment. You make enough to support the two of you, and he’s
starting to look far too comfortable staying at home and surfing the net. You’re from the school of thought
that says that if you lose your old job, your new job is finding a job, and so you step up to that
accountability conversation.
Your husband responds by saying that it’s not his fault that the economy is so horrible. Then he starts

playing on your emotions by explaining how awful he feels and saying that you should be more
sympathetic to him because offshore workers have ruined his career.
When your husband was first laid off, he didn’t do much to find a new job, and so you jointly

developed a plan in which he agreed to work at getting work. That included eight hours a day of looking,
sending out résumés, filling out applications, and so forth. He’s not doing it, and that’s the broken promise
you want to talk about. He obviously wants to talk about a whole lot of other things, not his broken
promise. You step back to the original problem by returning to the notion that he’s supposed to be working
at getting a job: That’s the gap you describe. Now he calls you a nag and asks you to get off his back.
At this point you have several issues you may want to address. To help select the right problem, let’s

return to our CPR model. First, there’s the content: Is he going to look for work? That’s the original
problem, and it’s a big deal to you. You’re not going to be easily sidetracked. Second, there’s the pattern:
This is the third time you’ve had to bring up the issue. Third, there are several relationship issues: He’s
playing with your emotions by asking for sympathy instead of talking about the violated promise. He’s

trying to sidetrack you, and that feels manipulative. He’s labeling you as a nag and taking the focus off the
original problem, and this feels insulting.
To help you choose from the CPR model which combination of these issues to deal with, you can apply

the questions we asked in Chapter 1. When the turf is changing with each paragraph, it’s probably easiest
to ask yourself, “What is it that I really want?” This will help you decide which issues to address.

Explosive Emotions Take Over

Now let’s take emergent problems to the final level. The other person goes to silence or violence and
becomes quite emotional. This person isn’t merely pushing his or her argument too hard; he or she is
becoming angry and abusive. Now what? You can’t use the standard methods for creating safety until the
other person has calmed down. Let’s look at an example.

Going “Posthole”
You work as a manager for a small family-owned company that imports gardening implements from the

Far East. You notice that Carl, a rather large, gruff fellow who works as your accountant, hasn’t finished a
month-end report that you asked to have by the end of yesterday. You walk into Carl’s office and start an
accountability discussion.
To make sure you don’t set a bad tone, you describe the gap: “Carl, I noticed that the monthly report

wasn’t in my box this morning. Did you run into a problem?” Carl explains that he didn’t know that it
really mattered; besides, he really hates doing it. You don’t leap to your power. Instead, you share a
couple of natural consequences. Carl then states that he’ll get right on it. No big deal.
That’s how you expect the interaction to unfold. You act professionally, and your efforts pay off.

However, there are exceptions. For instance, you carefully describe the problem, but Carl hasn’t read this
book. Despite the fact that you have been the picture of professionalism, he becomes angry and says: “I’m
your best employee, I miss one deadline, and you’re all over me. Leave me alone!”
Then he grabs a sales sample, a half-size posthole digger (one of your gardening products), and throws

it at a file cabinet. Now what do you do?

What Is This Thing Called Anger?
To deal with a person who becomes emotional (this includes anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, etc.), we

have to get to the source of all feelings. Let’s return to the Path to Action.

Once again, emotions don’t come from outer space. We create them ourselves. A person violates an
expectation, we see it, and then we tell ourselves a story. The story then leads to a feeling.
To create a strong feeling, we tell a story that includes a strong value. For instance, a coworker lets

you down on purpose. She disrespects you. Your boss double-checked your work because he doesn’t trust
you. Jordan got the raise because the policy is unfair. Your neighbor drove too fast because she doesn’t
care about your safety. These are sacred values. You become quite upset. Then, of course, your adrenaline

kicks in, and it’s off to the world of strong feelings, weak mind.

We become righteously indignant only when others have tread on sacred ground.

If you want to deal with your own emotions, you have to deal with your own stories. You have to find a
way to tell them differently, leading to a different feeling and different actions. But how do you deal with
other people’s emotions? How do you affect their stories?
Take Carl. You ask him about a simple report, and he goes “posthole.” He’s one of your most level-

headed employees. Obviously, there’s more going on here than meets the eye. Despite the fact that you
started the conversation with a professional description of the problem, he wiggled out of it. He raised his
voice, told you to leave him alone, and tossed an object at a file cabinet. Although you may not know
exactly what to do, you figure that his hurling a sharp object can’t be a good sign.
You do know some things. First, Carl isn’t simply responding to your opening question. You’re picking

up the conversation in the middle of a lengthy argument Carl has been making to himself. Second, Carl is
not in a position to talk about the issue calmly and rationally. He’s feeling the effects of adrenaline. Third,
to diffuse the anger you’ll have to get at Carl’s underlying story, and he’s the one who made it up, not you.

Dealing with Anger
First, Ensure Your Safety
Fortunately, Carl gave you the corporate, not the Neanderthal, version of a fight. He held thousands of

years of genetic engineering in check by not attacking you. Then again, he did throw something at an
innocent file cabinet. You figure that he was putting on a show and not out of control. You don’t believe
that you’re in danger.
That is exactly what you should be determining. When other people become angry, there is always the

chance that they will become violent. They’ve stepped over one line. Will they step over the next one?
Fortunately, most bosses never face anything close to this form of danger at work, at least not from
employees. People go to silence more than they go to violence. They complain to their loved ones. They
play the martyr and despise you. They carp and seethe, but they don’t explode.
Nevertheless, there are exceptions. That’s why you must determine how dangerous the situation is. No

listening skill or anger-reduction technique will overcome a person who is chasing you around the desk
with a letter opener.
Don’t be a hero. If you think you’re in danger, leave. Remove yourself from the situation. Take flight;

don’t fight. Then call the appropriate authorities. In most companies that’s security or human resources.
Let your boss know what happened. Don’t even think about dealing with the danger yourself.

Second, Dissipate the Emotion
If you’re not in danger, go straight to the emotion; don’t deal with the argument per se. If someone came

to you strung out on drugs, you wouldn’t dream of talking to that person about a work-related problem
without first dealing with the chemical influence. It’s ludicrous to assume that you can have a rational
argument with a person who is under the influence of mood-altering stimuli.
Anger creates a similarly inflated and abnormal reaction. Anger-based chemicals are legal, of course,

but they prepare the body to spring into action, and that doesn’t mean talking politely. Therefore, don’t
deal with the content of the argument until you’ve dealt with the emotion. The other person isn’t very
likely to listen to you—or, for that matter, explain his or her own argument clearly and calmly—until the
chemical surge has subsided. Any argument you make won’t be heard. Any suggestions you offer are

likely to come across as an assault. Stifle your desire to jump into the content of the argument. Instead,
dissipate the emotion.
But how? What does it take to douse internal fires that have been fueled by unhealthy stories?

Common but Not Good Practices
Dealing with anger nose to nose, so to speak, is tremendously hard, so hard that it’s almost impossible

to find someone who does a good job of it. Here are three things not to do:

1. Don’t get hooked. Left to our natural tendencies, most of us respond to anger in kind. We get
hooked. We become the very monsters we’re facing. But then again, why should we expect anything
else? Someone who believes that a core value has been violated becomes angry. He or she hurls that
anger in our faces, violating one or more of our core values. We become angry in response.

2. Don’t one-up. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would treat anger with smug indifference, but it
happens:
An employee barks, “That’s the third time in a row accounting has screwed up my check!”
The boss strikes back with “Big deal. When I held your job, I had to walk six blocks to pick up

my pay. There was a time when I didn’t get a red cent for almost two months, and that was over
Christmas no less! You’ve got it easy.”

When other people become angry, they want first to talk about and then to resolve their problem, not
yours. They certainly don’t want to be told that their problem can’t compete with your lengthy and
impressive history of disappointments and disasters.

3. Don’t patronize. Acting holier than thou really doesn’t work, as this example shows:
One of your direct reports charges into your office and complains, “What was Larry trying to do

in that meeting? He humiliated me in front of everyone!”
You come back with “Now, now. Quit throwing a childish tantrum. If you expect to talk to me,

you’ll need to act like an adult.” Or you might say, “I can see you’re out of control. Here’s some
money. Go get a cup of coffee and return when you’re under control.”

Telling people to calm down or grow up throws gas on the flames of violated values. They’re already
fuming about being mistreated, and then you heap on more abuse. You patronize them. Your tone tells them
that you think you’re superior. And as if this isn’t bad enough, you act as if you’re their confidant, giving
them helpful advice.

Third, Explore the Other Person’s Path to Action
To see what we should do in the face of strong emotions, let’s return to our Path to Action.

Try to See More Than the Action
When someone becomes noticeably emotional, we see only the action that comes out at the end of their

path. In fact, all we can ever see is anyone’s action or behavior. Everything else—feelings, stories, and
observations—gets trapped inside.

Get to the Source

Because we can never see what’s going on inside other people’s heads, it’s important to help

bring their thoughts and feelings into the open. This requires some skill on our part. We’ve seen the
action; now it’s our job to retrace their Path to Action to whatever it was that ticked them off. We
must move from the emotional outburst back to the feeling, the story, and the original observation.
Therein lies the source of the emotion as well as the solution to the problem.

Use AMPP to Power Up Your Listening Skills
Next, we have to find a way to understand why others get emotional as well as let them know that we

understand. We have four power listening tools to help us. We’ll use the acronym AMPP to help us recall
them and as a reminder that they boost the power of our pathfinding skills. For those of you who are
familiar with our previous book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, this
material should have a familiar ring.
AMPP reminds us that we can simply ask to get the conversation rolling, mirror to encourage,

paraphrase for understanding, and prime to make it safe for the other person to open up.

Ask to Get Things Rolling
Sometimes others convey their strong emotions but say little or nothing about what’s going on. You can

tell that they’re frustrated or upset or even angry, but they’re not opening up. For instance, your teenage
son walks into the house, slams the door, and throws his books on the kitchen table. He looks pretty upset
to you, but he doesn’t say a word. You start with a simple probe:
“What’s going on?”
He comes back with the classic “Nothin’!”
You ask him to join in a conversation: “No, really. I’d love to hear what happened.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Maybe he really doesn’t want to talk. Maybe he does but has to be encouraged a little. He wants to

know that you care enough to stick with it. The trouble is that both conditions start with the same signal: “I
don’t want to talk about it.”
You ask him one more time by saying: “Honest, I’m all ears. I promise I’ll just listen. Sometimes that

can help.”
“Well, this morning before science class …”

Mirror to Encourage
When you’re talking to emotionally charged people, you may want to do more than simply ask them to

talk. You may want to bring in a bigger gun: mirroring.
Here’s how it works. Say Tom, one of your direct reports, sat glumly in a meeting, said nothing, and

looked discouraged. Normally Tom is upbeat and contributes a lot to meetings. As the meeting ends, you
find yourself alone with Tom, and so you start with a simple probe: “Are you feeling okay?”
In truth, he’s not. He’s upset and a little embarrassed. Over the last year Tom has put on 30 pounds, and

people have taken to calling him “big guy.” You started the meeting by praising the “big guy” for his
recent accomplishments. Your praise, wrapped in the negative label, hurt Tom’s feelings. However, when
you ask him, he’s reluctant to say anything. After all, you are the boss and it’s sort of embarrassing. So he
comes back with “Well, uh, I’m, uh … I’m feeling just fine.”
Only he says it in a tone of voice and with a body posture that communicate exactly the opposite. To

encourage Tom to open up, you hold a mirror up to him; that is, you describe the inconsistency between
what he just said and how he just said it: “You know, the way you said that makes me wonder if you are

okay. You seem kind of, I don’t know, low-energy, maybe a bit glum. Are you sure you’re okay?”
What you’re trying to do, of course, is make it safe for Tom to talk. By holding up a mirror, you’re

letting him know that you’re concerned and that his brush-off wasn’t taken at face value. Once again,
you’re trying to open up a conversation, not compel Tom to spill his guts.

Paraphrase for Understanding
Sometimes you catch a break. Say an employee is upset, walks in, and dumps out her entire Path to

Action in one fell swoop: “Boy, am I miffed. You can be so controlling. It drives me crazy. Yesterday I got
another one of your follow-up notes. Do you have to monitor me by the hour? I feel like I’m being baby-
sat!”
She has shared her feeling (miffed), her story (you control me too much because you don’t trust me: the

violated value), and the fact that her feeling is based on either the note you sent her or your history of
sending notes to check on how things are going.
With this much information on the table, it’s best to check to see if you understand what she said.

Paraphrase; that is, put in your own words what you think she stated. But don’t parrot. Restating exactly
what the other person said can be annoying and often sounds phony. Simply take your best guess at what
the person just expressed:
“You’re upset because you think I overmanage you? I’m too controlling and send you too many notes—

is that it?”
Paraphrasing serves two functions. First, it shows that you are listening and that you care. This alone

often calms the other person down enough to allow a rational conversation. Second, it helps you see what
you do and don’t understand.
“No, I don’t care about the notes,” she says. “It bugs me that you give me more notes than anyone else.

Do you really think I’m the least competent person here?”
Ah, so it’s an issue of equity or respect (different core values).
“You think I give you more notes than others, that I don’t respect you?”
“Well, yeah. Yesterday you talked to Ken and then let him go without so much as a single follow-up.

But with me.…”

Prime to Make It Safe
Sometimes it takes quite a bit to encourage other people to talk openly. They figure that speaking their

minds is a bad idea. If they express their feelings openly, they’re likely to get into trouble.
You’ve invited and mirrored, but so far the other person has remained emotionally charged and mute.

What next? Our final tool takes us right into the other person’s story. We prime: we add words to the
conversation (much like putting water in a pump to get it flowing), hoping the other person will do the
same thing. We do this by guessing what the other person may be thinking: “Are you upset because I did
something unfair? I gave the promotion to Margie, and maybe you think that you’re more qualified or that I
didn’t do a good job of making a choice. Is that it?”
The second half of this skill lies in how you guess the story. You’re trying to make it safe for others to

share their thoughts. That means you have to express your best guess in a way that says, “Don’t worry; I’ll
be okay with this discussion. I won’t become defensive or angry.” You do this, of course, by stating the
story calmly and matter-of-factly.

Fourth, Take Action

Openly talking about the other person’s path puts us in a position to deal calmly with the issues that

have surfaced. If we willingly talk about people’s thoughts and feelings without mocking, squelching, or
attacking them, they are much more likely to calm down enough to both express their thoughts and listen to
ours. Once we’ve uncovered the story and the action that led to it, we’re in a position to deal with the
problem itself, and this is what we should do. We’re not listening for the sake of listening. Once again,
we’re learning about how to carry on an accountability discussion, in this case how to listen actively not
as an intellectual exercise but as a way to get to results.

Create a Safety Valve
Before we bring this chapter to a close, let’s look at one final issue. You approach your boss with a

problem that he is causing, and he immediately becomes aggressive. You silently seethe because you were
hoping he would help you resolve the problem, not shoot the messenger. Despite your best efforts to stifle
the fuming volcano of hate and loathing that is overtaking your “employee of the month” persona (which at
the awards banquet just last month won you a free week’s dry cleaning), your boss picks up on your
hostile tone and warns you that you’re starting to “step across the line.”
You find his remarks duplicitous because his tone is always snippy and insulting, but in a thinly veiled

sarcastic kind of way that he thinks is clever and you think places him in the top five in the pantheon of
hypocrites. You’re at a crossroads. To paraphrase Woody Allen, one path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness; the other, to total extinction. You can only pray that you have the wisdom to choose
correctly.
Actually, you have a third choice. You can step back and buy yourself time. You can and should take a

strategic delay: “You know what; I need to think about this in more detail. I’ll get back to you later.”
And with that short comment, you hotfoot it back to your office. This is not a retreat. It’s a strategic

delay. This is not silence; you plan on returning. Once you’re ensconced in the safety of your office, you
take a deep breath, regain control of your emotions, think about a new and better strategy for talking about
the problem, and return another hour or day.
If your emotions are in control but you’re having trouble coming up with the right words, take a

strategic delay. Think about what you’d like to say privately, safely, and slowly and then return later.
Finally, if your emotions are in control but you’re about to lose your temper, also take a strategic delay.

Your grandmother was wrong when she counseled you on the eve of your wedding never to go to bed
angry. When you’re angry, going to bed may be exactly the thing you need to do to dissipate your
adrenaline, regain your brainpower, and prepare to return to the conversation.

CHAPTER SUMMARY
Stay Focused and Flexible

In this chapter we examined how to stay focused and flexible. If fear is the emergent problem, step out
of the original infraction, make it safe, and if appropriate, revisit the original problem—returning to the
place you left off. If a new issue or problem emerges, choose what and if. If you decide to deal with the
new problem, work through it by following the skills. Then, to ensure that you don’t get sidetracked,
revisit the original problem—returning to the place you left off.

When new problems emerge, remain flexible enough to deal with them—without getting sidetracked.
Each time you step up to a new problem, it should be by choice not by accident. Choose; don’t
meander.

When people feel unsafe, step out of the conversation, create safety, and then return.

When people don’t deliver on a promise because “something came up,” deal with this inadequate
excuse. Others need to let you know that plans may be changing as soon as they can.

When a worse problem emerges, step out of the original problem, leave a bookmark so you’ll know
where to return, and then start over with the new problem. Once you’ve dealt with the emergent
problem, return to the original issue.

When others become upset, retrace their Path to Action to the original source. Talking about the facts
helps dissipate the emotions and takes you to the place where you can resolve the problem.

What Next?

You’ve dealt with the emergent problem—you’ve returned to and solved the original problem—and
now how do you make sure that you end well? Instead of abruptly halting or fading into oblivion, what
can you do to ensure that the effort you’ve made to hold others accountable will lead to action? That’s
what we’ll explore in the next chapter.

Part Three
Move to Action

What to Do After an Accountability Crucial Conversation

You’ve talked about broken commitments that are blocking performance—whether the barriers are due
to motivation, ability, or both—and come up with a few ideas that will lead to a solution. Now it’s time to
take these ideas and move to action.
Here’s what accountability experts do after the conversation to ensure that the problem doesn’t keep

showing up like a bad penny:

The best at managing accountability create a complete plan. They build a solid foundation by being
specific about what comes next. This includes who does what by when and follow-up (Chapter 7,
“Agree on a Plan and Follow Up”).

They piece together all the theories and skills into a complete accountability discussion. They carry a
model in their heads and apply it to difficult interpersonal challenges (Chapter 8, “Put It All
Together”).

In summary, we’ll take a look at how the principles and skills we’ve learned apply to some very
common and complicated issues (Chapter 9, “The 12 ‘Yeah-Buts’”).

7

Agree on a Plan and Follow Up

How to Gain Commitment and Move to Action

Never grow a wishbone … where your backbone ought to be.

—CLEMENTINE PADDLEFORD

By now you’ve done a lot of work. You noted a violated expectation and decided to talk openly about
the gap. You told yourself the whole story and took care to step up to the right issue. You then worked
hard to deal with both motivation and ability issues. You even dealt with a new problem, used your
bookmark, and then solved the original disappointment. Jointly, you found solutions that seemed
promising. Good job!
But don’t exhale too quickly. The way you complete the interaction is as important as the way you start

it. If you do this well, you build commitment and establish a foundation for accountability. If you don’t
finish the job—if you swap your backbone for a wishbone—you set yourself up for a whole new set of
problems. Let’s look at some of these challenges and then explore the skills and tools that accountability
experts use to plan and follow up.

PREDICTABLE BAD ENDINGS

Certain bad endings are so common that after you hear no more than a sentence and a half, the whole
messy situation comes to mind. For instance, see how long it takes before you can identify where these
interactions are headed.

How Good Is Your Crystal Ball?

At the end of last week’s meeting, Jane said to Joe, “So you’ll get the report done?”
“Absolutely,” Joe exclaimed, mentally figuring how to fit another assignment onto a plateful of tasks so

overflowing that it was starting to interfere with his bowling.
A week passes, and Jane is at the door: “I needed that report yesterday afternoon. Can I have it now?”
“Now? I had that scheduled for next week,” Joe laments.
Jane responds by rolling her eyes: “You must have known I needed it.”
Joe hates that eye thing and responds under his breath, “My crystal ball was at the cleaners.”
“What was that?” Jane asks, raising her voice.
“Nothing,” Joe grunts.
“You said something!” Jane accuses him.
“I said ‘My eye is on the ball,’ and I mean it!” Joe lies.

What Exactly Is Creativity?

During a formal review discussion, Barb talked to her direct report Johnson about being more creative.
Her exact words were, “During the next quarter I want you to use more creativity. You know, come up
with more ideas on your own.”
In an effort to be more creative, Johnson did indeed come up with more ideas on his own, just as

requested. That was the good news. The bad news was that he also implemented many of his ideas
without involving Barb or anyone else. He interpreted the request to be more creative as permission to do
pretty much whatever he pleased.
When Barb eventually learned that Johnson had changed the company’s entire inventory system and

hadn’t given her so much as a heads-up, she blew a gasket and told him that he had gone well beyond his
authority. He responded by arguing that he was just trying to be “more creative” and now she was taking
him to task for doing what she had asked him to do all along.

Must We Play Word Games?

Dad is stewing. It’s a sultry summer night, and for the last hour and a half he has been staring at the
clock. During that time he has tried very hard not to get angry. It’s now 1:24 a.m., and his daughter opens
the door. Dad shouts, “Shelly, you’re really late!”
“No, I’m not, Dad. Last week my friend Sarah didn’t come home until nine the next morning; that’s

really late.”
“Don’t be smart-mouthed with me!” Dad retorts. “You’re supposed to be in by midnight, and you’ve

been coming in late all month.”
“You’re right,” Shelly says with a sly smile. “I have been coming in at about 1 a.m. for a month, ever

since my birthday. And you haven’t said one thing about it at all until now. I thought it was okay.”
Dad comes back with his best quip: “Well, ah, ah, hmmm …”

DON’T ASSUME

How long did it take before you recognized the problem in these examples? Jane and Joe made a
sketchy plan. Without their agreeing on a specific deadline, that plan was doomed from the get-go. They
had to play “read my mind” or “take my best guess.”
Johnson and Barb faced a different problem. The assignment included who was going to do what by

when, but the details about the what were not clear. She told him to be creative, but that term is far too
subjective. Once again, an accident waiting to happen.
Finally, Dad and daughter represent still another issue. By not confronting his daughter for coming in

late (following up on a previous agreement) for several days running, he let Shelly assume that what she
was doing must have been okay. Like it or not, Dad had given his tacit approval. At least that was what
Shelly thought.

Nailing Jell-O

These problems appear familiar because we create them all the time. We finish a perfectly good
accountability discussion and then make sketchy plans that are peppered with vague, unspoken, and
unshared assumptions. All bets are off. We can’t hold people accountable to do something, sometime,
somehow. It’s like attempting to nail Jell-O to the wall.
A complete plan, in contrast, assumes nothing. It leaves no detail to chance. It sets clear and

measurable expectations (from whence all future accountability hails). It builds commitment and increases
the likelihood that we’ll achieve the desired results. It also enables both parties better to have the next
discussion—for accountability, for problem solving, or for praise.

THE SOLUTION: MAKE A PLAN COMPLETE WITH WWWF

The key to making a complete and clear plan, free from all assumptions (and thus improving a proper
accounting), is to make sure to include four key components:

Who

Does what

By when

Follow-up

As we just noted, problems typically arise because assignments have only two or three of these
components. Let’s look at each of the four and see what the experts (our much valued positive deviants)
have taught us from the trenches.

Who

This first issue is the easiest: someone’s name has to be attached to each task. But there’s the rub.
Someone’s name has to be attached. Someone needs to be in charge or accountable. At the end of a
meeting, the supervisor says, “Okay, we should get it done by Friday at noon.” Come Friday, nothing is
done. The boss exclaims, “Where is it?” And the finger-pointing party begins.
We is too vague. In business the term we is often synonymous with nobody. There is no we in

accountability. Parents often make this mistake. Mom says to her kids, “Now before you go play with
your friends, let’s clean our rooms.” Later, to the frustrated mom, the kids whine, “But Mom, you said
you’d help.”

For accountability to work, a person needs to know what he or she is expected to do. If the task
requires many hands, each person needs to know what his or her part of the assignment is. The
“team” can be as ambiguous as “us” or “we.” Therefore, when it comes to large jobs, make sure one
person is responsible for the whole task and then link specific people to each part.

What

Deciding exactly what you’re after can be challenging. Johnson ended his performance review with
Barb by accepting the responsibility to be more creative during the next quarter. So they followed the
rules, right? It was clear who would do what by when. Not exactly. Barb needed to provide a detailed
description of the exact behaviors she was looking for: “By being more creative I mean I’d like you to
come up with more product ideas on your own. I’d love for you to come to our weekly meeting and
present new ideas for improvements. The same is true for solutions. When you see a problem, rather than
asking what needs to be done, come up with suggestions and then present them to me.”

Ask
When you end an accountability discussion and are deciding exactly what to do, don’t take the what for

granted. Ask if there are any questions about quality or quantity. Ask if everyone has the same
characteristics in mind. Ask what might be confusing or unclear that has to be clarified now, in advance.

Contrast
If you suspect that other people are likely to misunderstand you, use Contrasting: “I want you to think of

new plans. I don’t want you to implement them until we’ve had a chance to talk, but I do want you to take
the initiative to present them.” Those of you who have had cataract surgery recently are familiar with the
hospital version of this technique. A nurse draws (in magic marker and on your forehead, no less) an

arrow over the eyeball that is about to receive the surgery, meaning “this eye, not the other one.” When the
stakes are high, leave nothing to chance. (How many wrong surgeries were performed until someone came
up with this trick?)

By When

Time is a concept of our own construction. It comes with specific names and numbers. It’s quantifiable
and exact. Thus, when it comes to setting follow-up times or deadlines for change, you’d think there
would be no room for confusion. But we find a way. For example, consider the expression “I need it next
week.” This may be specific. If you are perfectly happy to receive the finished product any time in the
next week, you have a clear agreement. Technically, the expression promises nothing before 11:59 p.m. on
Saturday. However, if you need it before 5:00 p.m. on Friday, say so. If you need it on Wednesday, clarify.
If you need it by noon on Wednesday … you get the point.
What makes this issue particularly intriguing is that the more urgent the task and the more critical the

timing, the more vague the instruction: “This is hot; I need it ASAP.” “Get right on it.” “Hey, did you hear
me? This baby is top priority. I need it yesterday.” These terms of urgency are train wrecks waiting to
happen. Think of it this way: “ASAP: the do-it-yourself ulcer kit.”
This problem comes up at home too. The following are statements begging for different interpretations:

“Don’t be late.” “I’ll get that to you soon.” “You need to clean up your mess in the kitchen.” We could be
wrong about this, but it seems that teenagers have an amazingly well-developed ability to find the cracks
in incomplete plans and use them to their advantage. Clarity helps you fill in the cracks.

Follow-Up

Once you’ve clarified who is supposed to do what and by when, the next step should be obvious:
decide when and how you’ll follow up on what’s supposed to happen. Perhaps both you and the person
you are working with have taken an assignment to do something to resolve the problem but things have
come up. When it comes to problem solving with your direct reports or children, you don’t necessarily
want to leave them to their own devices, particularly if the task is difficult and the people who have to
deliver on the promise are unfamiliar with the territory. By the same token, you don’t want to be checking
up on people every few hours. Nobody likes that.
When choosing the frequency and type of follow-up you’ll use, consider the following three variables:

Risk. How risky or crucial is the project or needed result?

Trust. How well has this person performed in the past; what is his or her track record?

Competence. How experienced is this person in this area?

If the task the other person has agreed to do is risky, meaning that bad things will happen if it is not
done well, and if it is being given to someone who is inexperienced or has a poor track record, the
follow-up will be fairly aggressive. It’ll come soon and often. If the task is routine and is given to
someone who is experienced and productive, the follow-up will be far more casual.
The two most common methods for checking on progress are scheduled and critical-event follow-up

times. For routine tasks, schedule a time to see how much progress is being made. Often this is done
during a routine meeting at which you’ll already be together anyway. With more complicated projects,
base the follow-up on milestones or key events: “Get back to me as soon as you complete the initial
plan.” Or you can combine the two: “If you don’t have the plan completed by next Tuesday at noon, let’s
meet and discuss ways to speed things along.”

If you don’t have a defined relationship, follow-up can require more creativity. For example, a woman
who discussed inappropriate behavior from a male coworker worried that talking about the infraction
might not put an end to the behavior, and so she built in a follow-up. She concluded by saying, “Would it
be okay if in a month we met in the cafeteria for lunch? I’d suggest our first agenda item be ‘Am I acting
weird toward you since this discussion?’ and ‘Has the behavior stopped from my perspective?’ What do
you say?” This candid, sincere, and respectful request was accepted. And when it was, this skilled
woman gained four weeks of clear accountability. The behavior stopped.
If you find yourself in a conversation where you’re worried about backsliding, never walk away

without agreeing on the follow-up time.

Micromanagement or Abandonment
How frequently you follow up with another person depends on that person’s record and the nature of

the task. How your actions will be viewed by others depends on your attitude and objective. When it
comes to following up, ask yourself, “What am I really trying to accomplish?” If you don’t trust others,
your follow-up methods are likely to be seen as audits (“gotcha!”), and nobody likes an audit.

When people feel as if they’re being watched too closely, they tend to transmute into “good
soldiers.” “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” They check their brains at the door. They perceive
follow-up as criticism. They feel that they are working for a micromanager and are given no chance
to show initiative or creativity. In short, the relationship they have with their boss is not based on
trust and respect.

Unfortunately, the sense of abandonment people experience at the other end of the follow-up continuum
may cause just as many problems. Cutting people loose is certainly more common in today’s world of
empowerment. Leaders don’t want to micromanage. They’ve felt it, they hate it, and they don’t want to
deliver it. Micromanaging is bad, and so leaders scarcely follow up at all. Good goal, bad strategy.
Other factors also contribute to an excessively hands-off style. Many leaders (and parents) don’t

believe they have time to follow up. They give a great deal of freedom to others, even to people who have
been fairly unreliable. Nowadays people in authority spend so much time traveling, answering e-mail and
text messages, and sitting in meetings that they don’t even notice that they don’t follow up very often.
Unfortunately, this hands-off style is rarely interpreted positively. People don’t say, “I understand. The

boss is so busy that he can hardly find time to follow up.” More often than not, employees conclude, “The
boss doesn’t care about me or my project.” Busy parents suffer the same fate. Busyness is interpreted as
apathy, and this harms both the relationship and the results.
When it comes to how and when you follow up with others, your intentions will have a huge impact.
How about you? If you think you may be at risk of being seen as a person who micromanages or who is

too hands-off, check it out. When making an assignment, describe the type of follow-up you think is
appropriate. Explain why and be candid about your reasoning. Then sincerely ask if the other person
agrees with the method. When you both agree on the frequency and type of follow-up and you both know
it, you won’t be left wondering if you are being perceived as too hands-off or too hands-on.

Two Forms of Follow-Up: Checkup and Checkback
Who initiates the follow-up discussion? Does the person giving the assignment always take the lead, or

are there times when the person taking the assignment follows up? Do a checkup when you’re giving the
assignment and are nervous or have questions. You’ve looked at the risk, the track record, and the

person’s experience, and you’re feeling anxious or uneasy, even tense. This is the time to use a checkup.
You take the lead. Get your calendar out. Say something like the following: “Since this is such an
important task, I’m wondering if we could meet next Wednesday at 10 to review how it’s going.” You
write it down. You are in charge of the follow-up.
The fact that you’re taking the lead doesn’t mean that you are micromanaging. It means that you own the

follow-up. It can and certainly should mean that you’re interested in how the task went, what worked, and
what got in the way. If the task is risky enough, the follow-up should be scheduled along the way to make
sure that all is going well and that you are available to provide help or coach.
Use a checkback when the task is routine and has been assigned to someone who is experienced and

reliable. Now that person is in charge. That person checks back. He or she offers suggestions: “How
about we follow up at our next scheduled meeting?” or “The deadline is two weeks from today. Could we
meet next Thursday 15 minutes before our staff meeting to touch base?”
To achieve the results you want as well as maintain healthy relationships, both checkups and

checkbacks can be useful forms of follow-up.

Take Time to Summarize

A planning discussion can be fairly complex and fast-paced, causing us to forget things. Take the time
to summarize what’s supposed to go down. It could sound something like this:

“Let me see if I got this right. Bill, you’ll get the nine copies of the report, stapled with a
standard company cover sheet, for the meeting Tuesday at 2 p.m. And you’ll check back with me
before noon that day if you see any problem. Is that right?”
“Right.”
“Can you see anything else that we haven’t talked about that might cause a problem?”

When you ask for the other person’s input, it can help bring to light issues that might otherwise cause
problems. However, the real power of this question goes far beyond clarifying understanding. You’re
checking for commitment. When the other person eventually says, “I’ll do it,” that person is much more
likely to live up to the agreement. Never walk away from a conversation satisfied with a vague nod. If you
care about gaining genuine commitment, give the other person the opportunity to say yes to a very specific
plan.

AGAIN, FOLLOW UP

First you set a follow-up time:

Should it be formal? Should it be casual?

Should it be a checkup or a checkback?

Should it be based on the calendar or on a critical event?

That’s the thinking you do up front. Next comes the actual act of following up. Guess what: The biggest
problem with following up is not that we do it too often despite the fact that many of us have felt
micromanaged from time to time. The biggest problem is that we don’t follow up at all. We set plans,
create follow-up dates, and then sort of let them drop. How could that happen?

People Forget

Our first problem is that we tend to forget. Life is so fast-paced, full, and busy, we can’t keep all the
balls in the air at the same time. How are we ever going to remember to follow up on all the promises that
other people make? Or that we make? The answer is that we can’t, at least not without help. To keep your
promises in front of you, do the following:

Put follow-up dates and times on your calendar.

Use sticky notes or computer cues to remind yourself.

Put follow-up times on your agendas.

Reminding yourself to do what is effective is essential in busy environments and times. Families tend to
be particularly bad at this. How many people use computers and other electronic devices when giving
assignments to children or loved ones? To most of us that would seem cold and too businesslike: “Dad,
I’m your daughter, not an employee.” Nevertheless, the times are changing. Find methods, electronic or
other.

People Worry

Another reason people frequently fail to follow up on commitments is that they want to be seen as nice.
As one interviews people in organizations all over the world, it’s interesting how frequently the word
nice comes up. Question: How would you describe your organization’s culture? Response: Nice. In this
case, the word has switched meanings from “pleasant” to “diseaselike.”

Nice
adj. A pleasant, nonconfrontational attitude that eventually kills you.

People want to feel at ease, not stressed. Holding others accountable, particularly if you have to be
honest, is stressful. So individuals rationalize and choose niceness over following up. It’s not a sellout;
backing off is the right thing to do.
Of course, you can believe this semitortured logic only if you believe that being honest and holding

people to their promises are inherently stressful and bad. Throughout this book we’ve tried to make the
point that people who are good at accountability are both candid and courteous. They are honest but not
“brutally honest.” You can follow up with people and be a decent human being. In fact, the converse is
also true: if you don’t follow up, you’re being unkind to everyone. Allowing failure eventually destroys
results and relationships.

The tools taught in the preceding chapters are designed to help us be candid and nice, get results and be
nice, and follow up and be nice. The scripts you can use for following up are both easy and safe. When
you follow up, you ask, “How’s the Southland project going?” or “We scheduled a follow-up on budget
improvements. How’s it going?” The purpose of the follow-up is to see what the current status is, how
things went, what worked, and what didn’t. The intention is to be helpful and supportive.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

Agree on a Plan

We’ve come to the final element of our skill set. We’ve done all we can to create safety, and now it’s
time to Move to Action. First we agree on a plan and follow-up method. Then we actually follow up.

If we don’t end an accountability discussion well, we’ll have wasted our time and, worse still, are very
likely to disappoint people and create unnecessary anxiety. Assignments will drop through the cracks.

To end well, become an expert at creating a specific plan that includes who will do what by when.
Make sure each person is clearly identified with a responsibility. Make sure the what is clearly
understood. Call for questions and use Contrasting where necessary.

Ensure that your plan contains the right and agreed-upon method of following up. The less skilled the
person, the spottier his or her history; and the higher the risk, the more frequently you’ll follow up.
Candidly talk about your follow-up methods.

Finally, follow up. If things don’t go well, step up to the new accountability discussion.

8

Put It All Together
How to Solve Big, Sticky, Complicated Problems

Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities.

—RALPH MARSTON

Now that we’ve built our entire skill set, let’s quickly review each step we covered and then see what
the skills look like when applied to a rather big, sticky, complicated problem. This will help us see how a
real person during a real conversation might pick and choose from the toolbox of skills we’ve been
building so carefully. Not all the skills will be needed all the time, and so we must have a way of thinking
about which skills apply and when and where.

THE BIG IDEA FROM EACH STEP

Choose What and If

What. Ask yourself what you really want. You can talk about the content, the pattern, or the relationship.
To stay focused, ask what you really want.

If. Are you talking yourself out of an accountability discussion? Don’t let fear substitute for reason.
Think carefully not just about the risks of having the conversation but also about the risks of not having
it.

Master My Stories

Instead of assuming the worst and then acting in ways that confirm your story, stop and tell the rest of
the story. Ask: “Why would a reasonable person not do what he or she promised?” “What role might I
have played?” When you see the other person as a human being rather than a villain, you’re ready to
begin.

Describe the Gap

Make it safe by starting with the facts and describing the gap between what was expected and what was
observed. Tentatively share your story only after you’ve shared your facts. End with a question to help
diagnose.

Make It Motivating and Easy

After you’ve paused to diagnose, listen for motivation and ability. Remember, you rarely need power.
In fact, power puts you at risk. Instead, make it motivating and make it easy. To do that, explore the six
sources of influence. Remember to consider social and structural sources of influence.

Agree on a Plan and Follow Up

Remember who does what by when and then follow up. This idea is simple and serves as its own
reminder. Then ask to make sure you’re not leaving out any details or missing any possible barriers.

Stay Focused and Flexible

As other issues come up, don’t meander; consciously choose whether to change the conversation to
the new issue. Weigh the new infraction. If it’s more serious or time sensitive, deal with it. If it is not,
don’t get sidetracked.
Let’s see how all these steps apply to an extended example.

IS IT YOU, OR IS IT ME?

For the last six months, Ricky has avoided discussing a potential problem with his wife, Elena, because
he’s worried that he may be at fault. His first wife had cheated on him for a full year before he figured out
what was going on. That had rocked him to the core. Not only was he devastated by her infidelity; he
reeled at his own inability to spot the early-warning signs of something as serious as adultery.
Ricky was slow to enter another long-term relationship: once bitten, twice shy. That explains why he

dated Elena, a friend from church, for four years before convincing himself that his first marriage was a
fluke and that Elena was unlike his first wife. Then he took the plunge. After three years of marriage to
Elena, Ricky fell into a running debate, constantly bickering—with himself. He began to see signs that
maybe something bad, even hideous, was going on behind his back, but he wasn’t sure if Elena was acting
inappropriately or if he was being unnecessarily suspicious. Thus, Ricky remained silent.
Clearly, Elena had changed. She appeared to be more secretive about her e-mail, quickly exiting from it

when he entered their home office. She took more phone calls out of the room than ever before. As Elena
successfully explained those behaviors (it was job related and thus uninteresting), a third issue drove
Ricky’s internal debate to new heights. Elena had begun working a great deal more overtime. This had
happened off and on throughout their relationship. But what made extended hours more troubling lately
was that her new supervisor was an ex-boyfriend, and some of the late-night work was with him.
Let’s walk through this delicate conversation with Ricky. Read the following sections carefully. Two

times he’ll have to step out of the conversation and restore safety.

CHOOSE WHAT AND IF

Should He Confront the Gap?

Ricky became crystal clear about the need to have a conversation with Elena when he realized how he
and Elena were acting out rather than talking out their problems. His concerns were showing up in a
subtle cooling toward Elena. Sensing his withdrawal, she punished him by withdrawing into work. As
Ricky considered the clear effect of the absence of conversation on their relationship, he was suddenly
certain that he needed to say something. Silence wasn’t helping.

What Does He Really Want?

As Ricky thinks about it, he determines that what he really wants is a loving, warm, and enduring
relationship with Elena. He doesn’t want to accuse her of infidelity and drive a bigger wedge into a
struggling relationship. What he should do is discuss what is absolutely true: he is worried about their
relationship, both about her loyalty and about his paranoia. This is the topic he chooses to address.
Asking what he really wants helps him clarify the issue and avoid spiraling into defensive emotions.

MASTER MY STORIES

Tell the Rest of the Story

Ricky’s first challenge is his own mental state. He strongly suspects that Elena is cheating on him. He’s
almost certain of it. Furthermore, he is certain that if she is being unfaithful, she will lie to cover it up.

That’s what happened in his first marriage. It’s what guilty people do. Because Ricky is so certain that
Elena will lie, his natural tendency is to charge in with an accusation, hoping to startle her into revealing
something. He’ll be able to tell what’s really going on by her reaction.
To take control of his emotions, Ricky examines his story. He vigorously attempts to generate

alternative explanations for Elena’s current behavior. He tells the rest of the story. He does his best to
determine why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might do what she’s doing. What influences
could explain those behaviors beyond the fact that she’s a lying cheat? Here are a few of the other factors
Ricky considers as he contemplates all six sources of influence:

Ricky knows that Elena has a strong desire to succeed. She is climbing the ladder at work and is willing
to pay the price.

She may be avoiding talking to him because she worries about having an ugly confrontation.

He clearly is contributing. He has taken to making sarcastic comments about the time she spends with
her boss. He has been much less affectionate lately. Of course she finds less joy in being around him.

Elena has seemed especially anxious about their expenses. That could be showing up in her acceptance
of more overtime.

Their work schedules are keeping them from spending much time together. That can’t be helping.

As Ricky explores alternative explanations, something profound happens to him: he calms down. Of
course, he’s careful to not let this line of reasoning talk him into blaming himself or withdrawing from the
conversation. His goal is simply to balance the “lying, cheating” story with other possibilities. He wants
to be able to enter the conversation without adrenaline coursing through his veins, turning him into a
slavering moron. The effect of this is significant. The new story creates a sense of curiosity and
compassion. He begins to hold his suspicions more tentatively. He still wants to talk but is less inclined to
become emotional and leap in with an accusation.
Ricky worries that anything he says about a possible affair is likely to make Elena nervous, and so he

decides to start by making it safe. He does that by using his two safety tools: he establishes Mutual
Purpose by talking about common ground, and he uses Contrasting to clarify any possible
misunderstandings.

MAKE IT SAFE

Establish Mutual Purpose and Use Contrasting

Here’s how Ricky begins the conversation:

RICKY: I have some concerns I’d like to discuss. My worry in raising them is that it’ll sound like an
accusation, and I don’t want that. I notice these concerns are affecting our relationship, and I don’t
want us to feel distant from each other. I think if we could work this out, it would help us get back
to how things were until a few months ago. Would that be all right?

ELENA: Works for me. What’s been bugging you?

DESCRIBE THE GAP

Once Ricky has done his best to create a safe climate, he tries to describe the gap by starting with the
facts and ending with a question. This is how he proceeds:

RICKY: Well, stay with me for a minute here; this’ll take a little telling. (He continues by describing some of
the behaviors he saw in his ex-wife and some he is seeing in Elena. As he starts to ask Elena for
her point of view, she cuts him off.)

ELENA: I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Are you accusing me of cheating on you? You’re so paranoid; this
just can’t work. (She starts to leave.)

MAKE IT SAFE

Obviously, Elena is acting as if she’s still feeling unsafe. Ricky will have to continue using his safety
skills: reestablishing Mutual Purpose and using Contrasting. Here is how the conversation proceeds.

RICKY: Elena, I know it might sound paranoid. To be truthful, I don’t know what’s going on. As I’ve thought
about it, I don’t think you’re cheating, and I’m sorry to make it sound that way. But I’m seeing
enough similarities that I can’t not worry. I need to talk this through both to find out what’s really
going on and to find a way to keep my concerns from getting in the way of our relationship. I don’t
mean to be offensive, but not talking about it won’t work for me. Can we please talk?

ELENA: I’ll try. This is pretty hard to listen to.

DESCRIBE THE GAP

Once Ricky has done his best to create a safe climate, he finishes the opening lines by asking a question
to help diagnose the root causes of the problem.

RICKY: Can you see how the behaviors I described would lead someone to worry?

ELENA: I suppose. But you don’t need to. (Elena obviously has calmed down and appears ready to discuss
the issues honestly.)

RICKY: Well, I’d like to hear how you view what’s been going on.

MAKE IT MOTIVATING AND MAKE IT

EASY Explore the Six Sources of Influence

Ricky tries to understand why Elena is spending less time with him and more time at work with her ex-
boyfriend. Here’s what he learns:

Elena has never owed as much money as they currently owe. Her father spent a great deal of time
unemployed, and she’s anxious about getting behind on their mortgage.

She didn’t want to bring up the money issue with Ricky because she was afraid that she didn’t know
how to have the conversation without offending him.

Elena is having a very difficult time working for her boss (her ex-boyfriend) because he seems to be
punishing her for breaking up with him by being hypercritical of her work. Plus he’s not giving her all
the resources she needs.

Most late nights Elena isn’t working with him; she works with her team. She’s hoping to feel more
secure in her job by overperforming.

She’s been less affectionate with Ricky because she’s stressed and tired and because she’s noticed his

withdrawal.

Ricky and Elena jointly brainstorm solutions that might work. For example, perhaps her financial
anxiety would lessen if they dropped their club membership and returned an expensive leased car so that
they could start putting away money for a rainy day. She could also look more aggressively at transferring
into a less stressful boss-subordinate situation.
As the conversation continues, Elena makes the following sarcastic comment and then goes quiet:

ELENA: I guess I can do all the sacrificing again.

STAY FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE

Don’t Meander; Choose

Ricky recognizes the new issue and decides to discuss it. It would appear that Elena feels she’s being
asked to do more than he is doing, and he wants to explore this point.

RICKY: You’re the one who had to make all the accommodations when we first moved here. I didn’t realize
that was an issue for you. How about if we talk about that and then return to the other topic?

ELENA: I expected you to give up some of your ambitions too. It’s been disappointing that you could just let
me do all the giving while you do all the taking.

AGREE ON A PLAN AND FOLLOW UP

Decide Who Does What by When and Follow Up

After talking for quite some time, working through some issues, and jointly exploring solutions, they
agree on some changes they’ll make, clarifying exactly what each person will do and by when. Then
Ricky suggests that they talk about it again at the end of the next week and see how things are working
both with his worries and with her feelings of not being supported.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

And so there you have it—all the skills applied to a single problem. And here’s the good news: it
reflects how you and other accountability experts behave on your best days.

A FINAL COMMENT: CAN PEOPLE REALLY DO THIS?

A rocket scientist contemplates talking to her boss about a potential safety problem with a new
propellant but chooses not to say a word because she figures that it’ll just get her into trouble. For months
on end she walks around in a funk, wondering if something horrible will happen. A nurse wonders about
making a suggestion to a doctor that could affect a patient’s health but holds his tongue rather than incur
the physician’s wrath. As this unspoken interaction continues, he too lives in a cocoon of worry and
doubt. A husband chooses not to question his wife about her suspicious behavior and then lives with the
haunting possibility that she may be having an affair.
And so we’re back where we started—living the tortured life of the silent majority. We routinely refuse

to step up to bad behaviors—despite the fact that they’re causing us horrific pain—because we figure that
it’s better to suffer in the current circumstances than run the risk of saying something dangerous or stupid.
It’s the same old mental math problem. Here’s the formula: if we speak up, we could fail. We also might
do nothing to solve the problem. In fact, we could create even worse problems for ourselves. We do the
calculations, and the answer that pops into our head is “H-O-L-D Y-O-U-R T-O-N-G-U-E.”
But not forever. We suppress our gripes until one day our dark side shows itself. Our ugly stories create

a brew that eventually fuels us with enough energy to take scary actions and dumbs us down enough so
that we think that what we’re about to do is okay, even the right thing to do.
And so we alternate between silence and violence. First we think, “I can’t believe I just said that,” and

so we shut down. Then we think, “I’m not taking this abuse any longer,” and so we fire up. This unhealthy
cycle might be best described as the social version of quantum mechanics. We jump all the way from
silence to violence without ever passing through the intervening space separating the two. We don’t pause
in the land of crucial accountability, where we converse about violated expectations in a way that
eventually solves the problem and improves on the relationship. To us, the lovely place where ideas flow
freely and honesty rules doesn’t exist. Here’s the interesting part: neither silence nor violence serves us,
our relationships, or our purposes, and yet we still toggle.
The solution to this reaction to violated promises lies in our ability to step up to high-stakes

accountability discussions and handle them well. We see a problem and speak honestly and respectfully.
But far more frequently than most of us are willing to admit (like the rocket scientist, the nurse, and the
husband), we don’t say a word because we don’t know how to handle the conversation, or we fear that
we don’t know how. We’re not bad people. We’re just frightened. And we’re not frightened because we
are inherently skittish; we’re frightened because we believe failure looms on the horizon. Or so we think.
If only one message emerges from this book, it should be the following: you can step up to a broken

promise and handle the conversation well. You already do that on your best days. And when you can take
it no longer, you try to do it on your worst days. Now that you have a systematic way to think about
accountability discussions and are armed with skills that really work, more days can be your best days.
Equally important, when it comes to holding big, sticky, complicated conversations, you don’t have to

leap out of a plane without a parachute. Nobody’s asking you to take a terrible and irreversible risk.
Here’s why. The first two skills, “choose if and what” and “master my stories,” take place in the confines
(and safety) of your own head. By stepping up to problems that should be handled and picking the right

one, you’re ensuring that your effort is worthwhile. By doing your best to keep your emotions under
control, you’re taking an important step toward acting rationally and reducing resistance and
defensiveness. Once again, this is all done before you say a single word. No risk there. Also, these
actions alone keep you from charging in and ruining the conversation with your first sentence. This alone
doubles your chances of success.
You then move from thinking to talking by discreetly and calmly describing the gap. This is the first

time you’re exposing yourself to any risk whatsoever. But you’re doing your best to describe behaviors,
not share ugly conclusions. You’re a scientist, not a critic or judge. This humanistic approach helps keep
the conversation professional and objective.
Now, after sharing one sentence or possibly two, you end with a question, not an accusation. You’re not

three sentences into the conversation, and you’ve paused to listen to the other person. This too minimizes
the risk. You’ve observed some things, and you’re wondering what’s really going on. What’s the other
person’s view?
What if the other person takes offense or maybe even becomes angry and abusive? You can stop and

deal with the new problem, or if you’re feeling befuddled, you can always take a strategic delay. Back off
and take time to rethink your approach. This is a conversation, not a gauntlet. It has exit points.
Let’s say the other person responds favorably. He or she doesn’t explode or become offended, but

merely explains what’s happening. He or she is either unable or unmotivated to keep the broken
commitment. Or maybe both. That’s it.
Consider motivation. This isn’t particularly dangerous either. You’re not trying to motivate others.

You’re not trying to figure out how to generate enough power to force others to comply. Best of all, you’re
not trying to change underlying, immutable personalities. Your job is simply to make it motivating.
To do this, you jointly explore the forces that cause the task to be motivating or not motivating. This

requires you to do nothing more than share natural consequences and listen for the other person to share
any additional consequences you may not be aware of. You don’t have to pummel people into submission.
You may even choose to back off from your original request if it becomes clear that continuing on the
original course doesn’t make sense. You too can be influenced. When it comes to motivation, you’re
relying on dialogue, not diatribe.
What if the person isn’t able? Once again, your job isn’t to force others to do the impossible. By

definition, that can’t be done. Your job isn’t even to force others to do the difficult, not over the long run
at least. Your job is to make it easy. How risky is that? Jointly examine forces that are serving as barriers.
Jointly come up with resolutions.
It’s little wonder that our friend Melissa at the manufacturing plant and the thousands of other positive

deviants we studied step up so willingly to accountability discussions. They do this not because they are
more courageous than the rest of us but because they are more skilled. They carry different math into the
interaction—math that propels them into a virtuous cycle. Their skills lead to success, their success to
confidence, and their confidence into trying even more skills, and the cycle continues.
How about you? Are you ready not to rumble? Are you ready to hold an accountability discussion that

has been keeping you from something you really care about? To give your skill set a final boost, turn to the
next chapter, where we look at the ins and outs of several interactions that are both common and
challenging. They are the high-stakes conversations that people tend to worry about the most.

9

The 12 “Yeah-Buts”
How to Deal with the Truly Tough

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

—CHARLES OSGOOD

As we’ve trained this material over the last two decades, we’ve grown accustomed to people saying,
“Yeah, but my situation is really tough. These skills will never work for me.” At first we thought those
people were being belligerent (particularly when they threw in words like bonehead and hayseed), but in
most cases the concerned participants were only trying to imagine how the skills applied to their world—
their toughest world. If the skills could help with their worst-case scenarios, they stood to gain a lot. All
they really wanted to do was dive deeper into areas that deserved careful attention. They raised the
“yeah-buts” because they were being thoughtful and reflective, in some cases highly reflective.
And so with apologies to the late Stephen R. Covey, a renowned scholar and dear friend, we bring you

the seven “yeah-buts” of highly reflective people. And then we add five more, just for good measure.

CONFRONTING AUTHORITY

“YEAH, BUT…

I’M STILL NERVOUS ABOUT stepping up to my boss and openly disagreeing or perhaps even
confronting her for not following procedure or causing me problems. I could pay dearly and for the
rest of my life.”

The Danger Point

When it comes to talking about poor performance—and the stakes are high—people tend to err on the
side of caution: better to live with your existing circumstances than try to take corrective action, fail, and
end up losing twice. You’re left with the same bad circumstances because nothing has changed, and now
the person who holds all the marbles is really upset with you and soon will exact revenge. This isn’t
merely a problem involving the hierarchy. It could happen with a close confidant or a loved one as well.
Loved ones won’t fire you from your job, but they can fire you from the relationship, and that can be even
more painful.

The Solution

Before we offer some advice, let’s be clear about something. Over the years we have seen bosses who
appeared to be narcissistic or authoritarian to the core. Their very purpose appeared to be to stay in
absolute control, and anything that threatened that purpose was a threat to them.
In these cases all bets are off. Anything short of groveling will be insufficient. In these cases you have a

tough choice to make. You need to choose between coping and cutting out (more on this later).
With that said, we need to be clear about a second point. There are far fewer of these kinds of bosses

around than you’d guess from people’s complaints. Ninety percent of your boss’s defensiveness is largely
avoidable. We know because we’ve seen highly skilled individuals approach people who others thought

were clinically controlling and succeed.
Here’s the bottom line. The people we watched get through to the toughest bosses differed in soul as

much as they differed in skill. They were masters at helping their bosses feel safe because they were
masters at seeing problems from their bosses’ point of view. It was easy for them to create Mutual
Purpose because they spent as much time contemplating how the problem behavior they were about to
discuss was creating problems for the boss as they did fretting about the problems it was creating for
them. They were incredibly effective at making it motivating for the boss because they had thought deeply
about the natural consequences of the boss’s behavior—on the boss. It’s little wonder that the boss
welcomed their empowering insight.
Although we don’t want to excuse self-centered bosses for their impatience and defensiveness, we do

want to suggest that if in reaction to their selfishness we become similarly self-absorbed, we’ll never
have the insight and compassion we need to succeed. We’ll never be able to create enough safety to
dissolve the boss’s defenses. Our well-intended conversations will be crushed by the weight of
selfishness.
This is not a “blame-the-victim” speech. It is about empowering the weak. If you want greater

influence with a powerful and defensive person, what you typically need is not more power but more
empathy. What you need is not a bigger hammer but a bigger heart. If you can step away from yourself and
consider how the problem behavior is affecting the other person as well as how it’s affecting you, you’ll
have a greater capacity to produce better outcomes for both of you. Besides, people never hammer their
bosses without hammering themselves as well.

An Important Aside
Let’s get back to choosing between coping and cutting out. When another person is acting in ways that

bother you, you have four options. You can carp, converse, cope, or cut out. Carping is the one bad option
in this list. You don’t really resolve the problem, you hang around and complain, and nothing gets better.
Unfortunately, if you complain and moan enough, you harm your own health, not to mention what you’re
doing to everyone else.
Conversing is your best choice for resolving the issue while building on the relationship. That’s what

this book has been saying. Coping requires a bit of an explanation. You’ve done your best to converse
respectfully and resolve the problem, but you’ve been unsuccessful. In fact, you’ve given up any hope of
being successful. Now you can either cope or cut out. Cutting out is obvious. Half of all couples choose
this option, and millions of people quit their jobs every year. Coping, in contrast, means that you’ve
decided that the issue isn’t big enough to justify ending the relationship. You’re not going to divorce your
spouse or quit your job, nor are you going to sit around and carp.
To cope properly, you must tell yourself the rest of the story. Most people are reasonable, rational, and

decent. You haven’t been able to work through your differences because rational people have come to
different and reasonable conclusions. Your boss isn’t an authoritarian moron; she’s just trying to make
sure that her point of view is taken into consideration. Your husband isn’t a selfish idiot; he just forgets to
put down the toilet seat in the middle of the night. Forgetting makes him human, not insensitive and
uncaring. To cope, you tell the rest of the story and believe it.
Healthy people don’t fake coping. They don’t hang around and moan, and groan, and complain, and nag,

and play “ain’t it awful,” and wallow in self-pity, and bad-mouth everyone in the known universe, and
talk endlessly about being the “big person” who has found a way to show tolerance—and then have the
nerve to say that they’re coping. No, that is carping, not coping, and carping is the bad option.

BREAKING FROM THE PACK

“YEAH, BUT…

THE PEOPLE I WORK with are perfectly comfortable violating standards and turning a blind eye to
rules. I usually don’t say anything because I don’t want to be the odd person out. It’s not like you can
take on the world all by yourself.”

The Danger Point

When you choose to violate a standard practice, depending on the severity of the violation, you’re
exposing yourself and others to a whole range of risks. For instance, say you’re a healthcare specialist
watching a doctor go into a sterile area with very sick babies, and he begins to examine them without
gloves or a mask. This violation of protocol can lead to infections. Or you’re an accountant watching
colleagues willfully disobey standard practices to satisfy a customer. This could misinform investors and
land you in jail. Or you’re an employee watching everyone violate a safety procedure, and nobody says
anything because everyone is in a hurry to meet an important deadline.
In each of these cases, you feel as if you’re in one of Solomon Asch’s conformity studies in which

everyone before you says that two obviously different lines are identical and now it’s your turn to speak
up. Do you do what you think is right and take on your entire work group, or do you go with the flow?

The Solution

The reason you’re unwilling to say anything is probably that what you’re about to say isn’t very pretty.
In your view, people are doing what is easy rather than what is right, and in fact they may be doing exactly
that. Nevertheless, if you lead with this unsubstantiated accusation, it’s not going to go down well:

“Hey, are we going to follow the regulations on this, or are we just going to sell out and run the
risk of killing some people?”

As satisfying as this patronizing attack may feel, it’s not going to be well received. People may comply,
but you’ve just driven a huge wedge into the relationship. Tell yourself a different story. Maybe others
know something you don’t know. Maybe they’re feeling pressured just as you are. Maybe you just don’t
know all the facts. Who knows what they’re thinking?
One thing is for certain: Seeing yourself as the only one with a conscience or a backbone and then

acting on that story is sure to make you come across as self-righteous. It’s surely going to provoke other
people’s resentment and resistance. How could it not? Change your story, and your behavior will change
along with it. Ask yourself why reasonable, rational, and decent people are doing what they’re doing.

Make It Safe
Open the conversation by acknowledging the competing motivations, and do it in a way that humanizes

those who might be leaning in the wrong direction:

“I know it’s inconvenient to suit up for quick and unobtrusive exams.”

Then use a Contrasting statement to eliminate a possible misunderstanding:

“I don’t want this to come off as an accusation; it’s an honest question. Aren’t we supposed
to[fill in the blank], or are there circumstances I’m unaware of?”

These simple sentences take the pressure off you. You don’t have to be the police. You don’t have to be

moral or ethical or stronger willed. You don’t even have to be right. You just have to be curious, and
that’s a good thing.
If people could find a way to use these simple techniques every time they feel peer pressure to do what

they know is wrong, they could save millions of dollars, thousands of lives, and countless other forms of
suffering.

MARRIED TO A MIME

“YEAH, BUT…

MY SPOUSE NEVER wants to talk about anything. I experience a problem with him, and he tells me
not to worry or not now or I’ve got it all wrong, or he just turns back to the TV and says he’ll get back
to me later. But he never does.”

The Danger Point

When relationship researchers asked newlywed couples to talk about a topic that typically leads to an
argument, they notice a common pattern among the couples who later ended up divorcing. Not only do
those couples use poor techniques when trying to discuss a controversial topic, more often than not one of
them tries to work through the issue to its resolution while the other tries to escape.
The fact that one of the pair wants to talk while the other prefers not to is the common pattern in

strained relationships. Not only can’t people talk well, but one cuts off any avenue of resolution, and
matters only get worse. This is a big deal.

The Solution

If ever there was a pattern that needs to be confronted, this is it. Any single instance may not seem like
that big of a deal, but over time the pattern is killing the relationship. So talk about the pattern.
First, ask if it would be okay to talk about an issue because you think that doing that would strengthen

your relationship. You want to be able to talk more openly and freely about problems; your spouse seems
to prefer to remain quiet. This is the problem. Fight your natural proclivity to focus on the other person.
Instead, acknowledge any complaints the other person may have about what you may be doing to drive
him or her to silence. Hint: When people move to silence, it’s typically because they feel verbally
outgunned. If that’s the case with you, acknowledge that sometimes you guilt-trip or dominate or hound the
other person until he or she succumbs. You want to change this.
When you frame the conversation as an opportunity to solve problems that the other person cares about

and acknowledge some of the things you’ve done that might be contributing to the problem, you’re
creating safety. This, of course, is always the best place to start.
With that done, don’t demand that the conversation happen now. Set aside a time to talk. The other

person gets to pick when. One of the reasons high-stakes conversations often get sidelined is that the other
person isn’t emotionally up to it. He or she arrives home from a trip, you’ve been musing for days, and
bang, before he or she can catch a breath, a huge issue needs to be resolved. Choose your time carefully.
You’re going to be talking about a longtime pattern. This topic isn’t time sensitive.
When you do converse, share your concerns along with your tentative conclusion that he or she may be

purposely avoiding key problem-solving discussions. Don’t make this an accusation. Share two or three
quick examples and then suggest that this is what is going on. Then prime. Is it because the conversations
often don’t go well? Is there a way to make sure that they don’t end up as arguments? Is there something
you can do to make sure that they run more smoothly? Make it safe for the other person to explain why he
or she thinks it isn’t safe.

Jointly brainstorm things you can do to make sure that you’re both comfortable holding relationship
conversations. Is your timing wrong? Are you waiting too long and then getting angry? Stick with the
brainstorming until you’ve brought barriers to the surface and found ways to remove most of them. Make
this conversational. Lovingly try to resolve the issue. Don’t try to “fix” the other person.

HEARSAY

“YEAH, BUT…

WHAT DO YOU DO when you don’t actually see the problem? Coworkers complain endlessly, saying
things like ‘He’s impossible to work with,’ ‘He can’t be trusted,’ and ‘He never listens to feedback.’
How do you handle hearsay?”

The Danger Point

When people consistently complain to you about a specific employee, you face an interesting challenge.
How do you share hearsay? If others are not willing to talk to the person themselves or own up to the
negative feedback, you have no right to talk with that person on the basis of secondhand information. That
would be both unfair and unhelpful. You’re not close enough to the problem to share detailed feedback,
and so you end up making general complaints that leave the person upset and confused.
Naturally, if employees complain about something that is dangerous or illegal, you need to consult with

human resources immediately.

The Solution

Master your own story. Refuse to accept other people’s gossip as fact until you gather firsthand
information. When you adopt other people’s stories about someone as your own, you surrender control.
Observe the bad behavior on your own. Then you can describe it in detail. More important, you can own
the story as well. Rather than coming off as a messenger or having to apologize for what others think, you
can address the problem head on. People deserve to face their accusers. They also deserve specific,
detailed feedback. Anything short of this is unhelpful and unfair. And who knows? As you gather your
own data, you may end up with a story different from the one that others attempted to induce you to
believe.
The family version of this problem revolves around the ever-present “tattletale.” The same principles

apply. Unless safety is at risk, gather data on your own. Carry your own message.

POTENTIALLY DEVASTATING

“YEAH, BUT…

WHAT IF THE FEEDBACK you want to give could crush the other person? I’ve got an employee
who thinks she’s the world’s best writer. She’s always begging to compose letters. The truth is that her
writing stinks. I don’t have the heart to say anything.”

The Danger Point

Most people would rather take a blow to the head than say something that could devastate another
person. Telling people that they are incompetent at something they take pride in certainly falls into this
category. Bosses often go for years letting people think they’re doing a good job when they’re not. Then
they either make up for the poor job themselves (doing a work-around) or learn to live with substandard
work. Both alternatives are unacceptable.

The Solution

If you’ve allowed a person to operate under the illusion of competency for quite some time, you really
aren’t in a position to judge whether that person is truly incompetent. You’ve never held him or her
accountable. Begin having accountability discussions about single areas that could use some
improvement. Express your appreciation for the person’s willingness. This is something you can praise.
Then explain that there is one thing you’d like to see improve. You want to see him or her take the quality
in the area you’ve selected to the next level. Provide clear, direct, and detailed feedback about that area
alone. Don’t talk about problems per se; talk about setting new standards.
Once the person has improved in that area, pick another problem and work on it. Over time, if the

person hasn’t been able to improve, and since you’ve consistently and respectfully held the content
conversations and worked to test your assumption about whether he or she is truly incapable of mastering
the skill, you will have earned the right to have the larger relationship conversation.

WAY OUT OF LINE AND SCARY

“YEAH, BUT…

WHAT IF A PERSON is totally out of line most of the time but threatens to file a grievance if you
confront him? And the worst of it is that because of his special circumstances, he’d probably win. Then
what?”

The Danger Point

It’s shocking to learn how many companies are stuck with one or more really unproductive employees
who hold leaders hostage. Those employees have no interest in doing their jobs, fight legitimate work at
every turn, make life miserable for everyone, and have cowed the supervisor. They rattle the saber of
litigation, or they imply that they’ll take it all the way to the top or that they have dirt on someone.
Outsiders routinely ask, “Why is that person still working here?”

The Solution

Resolve to hold the employee accountable. Meet with human resources and jointly develop a plan.
Select a behavior that is out of line and indefensible. If necessary, clarify your standards regarding
insubordination, resistance, and poor performance. Inform the employee that the action you’ve selected
isn’t acceptable and will no longer be tolerated. Simultaneously assure the employee that your goal is for
him or her to succeed.
Describe some of the more poignant and relevant natural consequences of the employee’s current

behavior, such as being stuck in boring assignments and being rebuffed by colleagues. Take care to tell the
person what will happen if he or she steps over the line. Once again, make sure that the employee knows
that this is not what you want to have happen but is a step you will have to take to protect the interests of
colleagues and the organization. Document the discussion. Watch the employee closely. Confront the first
infraction immediately but respectfully and then start down the path of discipline. Don’t be held hostage.

CHANGING YOUR CULTURE

“YEAH, BUT…

WE’RE MAKING A BREAK with the past. It used to be that people looked the other way when you
violated policy, but now we’re supposed to hold people accountable. How do you change the rules in
the middle of the game?”

The Danger Point

Many organizations are just beginning to ask their employees to step up to a new level of initiative,
teamwork, customer service, and so on. Unfortunately, despite leaders’ efforts to bring about change,
slogans, buttons, and banners aren’t enough to transform a culture. Calling a group a team doesn’t make it
a team.
Telling your children they can no longer walk all over you may not reverse the results of a decade of

weak parenting.

The Solution

You can’t solve longstanding problems if you haven’t let others know exactly what you want. With
unclear expectations, you don’t have the right to hold others accountable to violations they may not even
be aware of. Confront the past. Without singling anyone out, outline for people the natural consequences
of how things have been. For example, you may describe how saying yes to every urgent demand has
caused you to have chronically poor quality and terribly costly operations. As you help people connect
consequences with past behavior, you build moral authority for resetting expectations.
Illuminate your general vision of how things are going to be in the future with specific, identifiable, and

replicable actions. Clarify dos and don’ts. Study best practices. Contrast what people used to do with
what they need to do now. Then teach and focus on those specific actions. If you don’t know precisely
what you’re looking for, you have no right to expect it. Only after you’ve clarified your new expectation
do you have the right to begin having accountability discussions with those who violate the new
standards. More than a right, it will then be a responsibility.

BORDERLINE BEHAVIOR

“YEAH, BUT…

A WOMAN WHO WORKS for me is always messing up the details. She’s not bad enough to be called
incompetent, but she’s so borderline that you always worry about her work.”

The Danger Point

When someone is always doing marginal work, it can test your ability to have a clear and specific
accountability discussion:

“Okay, it’s not that you didn’t respond to the client; it’s that you didn’t do it in what I would
call a prompt fashion and you had a bad attitude when you did respond.”

Taking a vague and stilted position like this can be hard to defend and makes you vulnerable to
arguments such as “You’re never satisfied no matter how hard I try.” Now it’s your problem, not the other
person’s.

The Solution

Three factors set those who are adept at dealing with subtle, borderline behavior apart from the rest of
the pack: research, homework, and connections.
First, you need to gather data. Have a conversation with the marginal performer about what she likes

and doesn’t like about her current work situation. What are her frustrations, aspirations, and concerns?
Approach your “research” conversation with a genuine desire to discover underlying barriers and then
see if you can find ways to resolve them.

Next, scrupulously gather facts—from memory and observation—that will allow you to describe in
illuminating detail the difference between mediocrity and excellence. This is crucial. Most people are so
vague about that difference that they end up using the feel-good, mean-nothing terms that typically pepper
pregame speeches, such as “Your attitude determines your altitude” and “We need you to give 110
percent.” This advice may make sense to those giving it but only confuses and insults the people who are
supposed to change.
Ask yourself, “What actual behaviors can I describe to make this distinction clear?” Here is an

example:

“I notice that after finishing a letter, you skim it once and then hit ‘send.’ When it’s going to an
external recipient, I’ve found that it helps to take three extra steps: read it aloud to see if you’ve
captured what you really want to say, reread it a couple of hours later, and then ask a reliable
partner to read it thoroughly.”

You will not succeed at helping other people understand the gap between where they are and the vague
objective of excellence unless you do the homework required to make your descriptions crystal clear.
Carefully gathering useful facts is the homework required for all accountability discussions.
Finally, connect your homework with your research. Explain how your recommendations will not only

resolve others’ concerns but also help them achieve their aspirations. When you can make this link, your
influence will increase enormously. If you can show the other person how the changes you’re
recommending link to his or her own goals, there’s a good chance that the person will be motivated to
learn and grow. If you can’t do that, don’t expect the person to improve.

OUR PLATE IS OVERFLOWING

“YEAH, BUT…

WHERE I WORK OUR biggest problem can’t be discussed in public. We’re constantly given more
work than we can manage, and then we have to pretend that we’re going to do everything. If you
express your concern aloud, you’re treated like you’re not a team player.”

The Danger Point

Here’s a trick for getting people to do things you could never ask them to do without getting in trouble.
The various branches of the military have been using this technique for years: they encourage recruits who
are a few weeks ahead of the brand-new initiates to abuse their peers in ways that people in official
positions of authority could never get away with. People will do things to their coworkers that would land
their bosses in the slammer if they did the same things.
This is exactly what organizations do when nobody in authority ever says a word, writes a policy, or

publishes a document that calls for an unhealthy workload. Who could do such a thing? Instead, bosses
make unrealistic demands and then count on the fact that everybody will sit there and take it. Although it’s
true that leaders may use their influence to push people to work insane hours or take on insane workloads,
if employees put up with the abuse or watch others put up with it, everyone becomes a party to the
problem. It’s a conspiracy of silence.
If new employees speak their minds about issues of work-life balance, they’re acutely aware of the fact

that if they say something in public, they aren’t merely questioning the boss; they’re going toe-to-toe with
the entire “culture.” And if they take on the culture, they won’t be seen as “team players.”

The Solution

This is a conversation that has to start with Mutual Purpose. Go straight for the issue of being a team
player:

“I’d like to talk about a subject that most people don’t seem comfortable discussing in public.
My goal is to make sure that we’re all able to contribute to the company and meet our objectives.
I want to be a team player, and I want to understand what that takes.”

Next, blend facts and your tentative conclusions:

“There are times when I feel like we’re taking on assignments with deadlines we know we can’t
keep. I know I do. We look around the room, and nobody is saying anything, and so we all smile
politely and agree. I get the sense that we’re hoping that others won’t be able to meet their
obligations, and then, if they speak up first, we won’t get in trouble for missing our deadlines. It’s
like playing chicken. Who will be the first to turn away from the head-on collision of a massive
assignment soon to meet an impossible deadline? Could we talk about this subject, or am I the
only one who sees it this way?”

At this point you’ll have to explore all the underlying sources that are leading to a culture of
impossibility. Don’t point fingers; look for causes. Remember, the world around you has been perfectly
organized to create a culture in which smart people are doing stupid things. What are you doing to each
other? How many of the issues are structural? What’s going on in the environment that’s forcing people
into such unfavorable circumstances?
This is a huge issue. It’s causing more stress with more people than most of us might imagine. As

international competition increases and resources continue to be cut, hours increase. The workload goes
from doable, to nearly impossible, to a joke. We’re now overworked, stressed, and dishonest.

One Final Note
This is probably a conversation you want to have with several people in private before bringing it up

in public. Unlike just about everything we’ve talked about until now, this is not a problem that is solved
one-to-one because it’s part of the whole culture. But it is a problem that is best prepared one-to-one.
Meet with several colleagues. See if others share your concerns. If they do, ask them to share their honest
opinions when you do bring up the issue. Then go public.

I DON’T WANT TO BE A NAG

“YEAH, BUT…

I KEEP BRINGING UP THE SAME problems over and over, and my spouse and children continue in
their old ways. It makes me feel like a nag, and I don’t want to be a nag.”

The Danger Point

Nagging is the home version of Groundhog Day. People repeatedly break a commitment. We talk about
the original infraction, but we don’t address the bigger issue: they’re continually making commitments and
not keeping them.

The Solution

The second time a person fails to pick up her clothes off the bedroom floor or doesn’t put his dishes in
the dishwasher or continues to squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, you have a new problem:

That person has failed to live up to a promise. You are at a crossroads. You can converse about the
pattern. You can nag. You can cope.
Toothpaste tubes and dishes in the sink are the stuff nagging is made of: minor infractions, often

repeated and often reprimanded. Nobody ever says, “My wife is such a nag. Every time I have an affair
with a woman half my age, she makes a big deal about it.” Big issues, often repeated, are ongoing
disasters. Little issues, often repeated—that’s nagging. Choose your battles.
If the original issue continues to bother you, talk about the pattern, but only if the original issue is worth

it. Sometimes the infraction is just not worth the aggravation. This is a toothpaste tube we’re talking
about. Maybe you should expand your zone of acceptance. If you choose to cope, explain to the other
person that you’ve decided that it’s not worth arguing about the issue. You would prefer that he or she not
squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle, but you’re not going to bring it up again. Then let it go.

OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED SOLELY ON PROBLEMS

“YEAH, BUT…

I WORK WITH A PERSON who is constantly making mistakes. Every conversation we have is about
a problem. I get the feeling that he no longer listens to me. I walk in the room and the guy bristles.
How do I problem-solve with a person with whom I have such a one-sided relationship?”

The Danger Point

It’s hard to make it safe to talk about performance gaps when you have no relationship with the other
person save for the occasional accountability discussion. Like it or not, every relationship has a tipping
point. When the majority of your conversations turn into holding an accounting, the other person starts to
wait for the other shoe to drop, no matter the topic, no matter your intent. You cease to be a force other
than a nag.

The Solution

Get to know people under less strained circumstances; it matters a great deal. In fact, three separate
studies conducted by the authors revealed that the single best predictor of satisfaction with supervision is
frequency of interaction. And if your interactions are infrequent and only about problems, you’re really
doomed. Every accountability discussion starts off on the wrong foot. Others only hear your position; they
never see you as a person.
So go out of your way to create a wider range of interactions. And when you do interact, feel free to let

down your business persona and connect at a personal level. The very first leadership study the authors
conducted revealed something rather astonishing. When those who were viewed by senior managers as
top performers showed outsiders around their work area, they introduced their employees. They bragged
about them. They shared interesting tidbits about their children. “Kelvin’s son is at the Naval Academy.”
They had obviously talked about a whole host of topics and developed a personal relationship. Bottom
performers, in contrast, showed outsiders the equipment and products. They walked right by their people
as if they weren’t even there.
So develop more full relationships. Take people to lunch. Don’t have an agenda—just talk. Walk

around and casually chat about topics that interest the other person. And when you see “things gone right,”
recognize people for doing a good job. Become a whole person, and not just a purveyor of problems.
Create a healthier context for solving problems when they do come up.
As far as your family is concerned, if you don’t take a break from your busy schedule and take your

teenagers to lunch, with no purpose other than hanging out together, you’ll eventually pass the family

tipping point. No matter how wrong they may be or how often they may cause problems—no matter how
called-for the conversation—at some point you’ll be seen as little more than an uncaring nag. Your motive
will always be suspect. Your ability to have a broader influence by holding meaningful conversations
becomes severely limited. So don’t pass the tipping point. The more often others let you down, the harder
you’ll have to work to create a well-balanced relationship.

I DON’T THINK WE CAN CHANGE

“YEAH, BUT…

THESE ARE LIFELONG PATTERNS we’re talking about. I’m not sure that I or any of the people
around me can actually change. Reading is a lot easier than actually acting differently.”

The Danger Point

It’s easy to get discouraged when staring into the face of habit. When it comes to human interaction,
much of what we do, we do almost without thinking. We follow lifelong scripts: well worn, familiar, and
nearly automatic. We lay into our kids with the same ease and lack of thought typical of ordering fast food.
We know what we’re going to say, we know what others are going to say, and we don’t even have to think
about it. We could play either part.
How do you break away from lifelong habits?
It’s also easy to get discouraged when we know that we tried to make improvements in the past and

failed. Ninety percent of those of us who have attempted to lose a few pounds have dropped and then
regained the same weight so many times that we no longer believe our own stories: “This time I’m going
to keep it off for sure. This time it’s different.” Or maybe it’s been an exercise program that has yielded a
different mechanical contraption every year until the garage is bursting with nearly new aerobic ab
machines, and yet we still break into a sweat trying to open a jar of pickles. Or perhaps we made a
commitment to eating healthier foods but sort of lost steam when we found ourselves stopping at a Fat
Burger for a pick-me-up on the way to the health food store.
Accustomed to talking ourselves into short-term action that can’t be sustained, we become cynical self-

doubters who are reluctant to start down one more trail we’ll never follow to the end.
So how do we stick to a plan?

The Solution

The good news is that nothing in this book is new or the least bit alien. The skills we teach weren’t
discovered on the planet Krilnack. On your best day you do much of what every interpersonally smart
person does. You step up to accountability discussions, work hard to ensure that you don’t fly off the
handle or otherwise act stupid, and do a pretty good job. On your best day you are the kind of person the
authors were studying when they isolated the best practices for dealing with failed promises.
You don’t have to change everything—just a few things—and maybe be a bit more consistent. Better

still, you don’t have to change your underlying, immutable, “I-can’t-help-it-if-I-was-born-this-way”
personality. To improve your results, you need to reshape a few of your thoughts and alter a few of your
actions. That’s it. There is no need for a full-fledged genetic intervention, and frontal lobotomies are out
of the question (save for recreational purposes).
To make this “tweaking of thoughts and words” easier, we have a few suggestions. First, studying this

book is best done in pairs. Find one or more other people and share ideas. Develop goals, practice
together, and support each other as you step up to new and untested accountability discussions.
Whether you’re working in pairs or alone, pick one skill and work on it. Then do the same thing with

another skill. Devote one hour a week for 10 weeks. That’s all it takes to bring about important changes.
Set aside a time at home and at work when you will talk about infractions that normally you would leave
untouched. Finally, check out the support materials available at
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources. Download the free material. Watch the videos. Sign up for
ongoing assistance and reminders. Pick one skill and work on it for a week.

JOIN THE CRUCIAL SKILLS NEWSLETTER COMMUNITY

Was your most pressing question left unanswered? Subscribe to our free weekly e-newsletter and ask
your own tough “yeah-but” questions. The authors answer reader’s questions with powerful insights into
tough, real-world accountability discussions. Sign up today at
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources.

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http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources

Appendix A

Where Do You Stand?
A Self-Assessment for Measuring Your Accountability

Crucial Conversation Skills
WHERE DO YOU STAND?
To measure your skill level and see how this book can best serve your needs, candidly review the

following statements. Check “yes” if they apply to you. Check “no” if they do not.
A self-scoring version of the following assessment is available at

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources. There you’ll also find tools to assess how well your family,
team, and organization handle accountability discussions.

Choose What and If
Master My Stories

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources

zhi
Highlight

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Describe the Gap
Make It Motivating
Make It Easy

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Stay Focused and Flexible
Agree on a Plan and Follow Up

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Scoring

Add up the number of boxes you checked “yes.” Each represents an area where you could use some
assistance. Here’s what your total score means:
26–35: Don’t put this book down!
16–25: You could use some help, but at least you’re honest.
6–15: You’re capable and likely are succeeding.
1–5: You could teach us all a thing or two.

Chapter-by-Chapter Results

This survey is divided into the seven chapters that cover crucial accountability skills (five questions
each). Look at your results chapter by chapter. You may want to focus your attention on the chapters where
you checked the most “yes” boxes. These chapters offer the solutions to your most common challenges.

Appendix B

Six-Source Diagnostic Questions

The Six-Source Model
The six-source model helps us expand our view of why people do what they do. By looking at all six

sources, we can expand our traditional thoughts about why people do the things they do (“They enjoy
causing problems!”) to include each person’s ability along with the social and environmental factors
behind all behavior.

To help dive deeper into each of the six sources, we are providing the following list of exploratory
questions. These diagnostic questions in turn help each of us answer the questions “Why the gap?” “Why
did the other person let me down?”

SOURCE 1. SELF, MOTIVATE (PAIN AND PLEASURE)
Others take pleasure from the current behavior or find the desired behavior to be painful.

Diagnostic Questions

Do they enjoy doing what has been asked? Does performing the task in and of itself bring them
satisfaction?

Do they take pride in their work and their work habits?

Is the required task boring, noxious, repetitive, physically or mentally exhausting, or painful?

Are they doing the wrong thing because they enjoy it more?

SOURCE 2. SELF, ENABLE (STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES)
They don’t have the knowledge or ability to perform the required task. They feel more capable

performing a different task.

Diagnostic Questions

Do they have accurate and complete information?

Are they able to perform the mental tasks?

Are they able to perform the physical tasks?

Are they doing the wrong thing because they don’t feel more capable in this than in doing the right thing?

SOURCE 3. OTHERS, MOTIVATE (PRAISE AND PRESSURE)
Other people (friends, family, coworkers, and bosses) punish the right behavior while praising the

wrong behavior.

Diagnostic Questions

Does doing the right thing draw no attention or even disdain from the people they care about?

Are their coworkers pressuring, embarrassing, or provoking them into the wrong behavior?

Is their boss giving other tasks a higher priority or not supporting the right behavior?

Does completing the job put them at odds with their family and friends?

Am I doing something that discourages them?

Am I failing to do something that would encourage them?

SOURCE 4. OTHERS, ENABLE (HELPS AND HINDRANCES)
Other people make it hard or impossible to do the right behavior while making it easy to do the wrong

behavior.
Diagnostic Questions

Are others withholding information?

Do others provide them with the resources they need?

Are others providing help when needed?

Have others provided adequate permission or authority?

Am I doing something that inhibits them from succeeding?

What help or resources should I be giving that would make it easier for them?

SOURCE 5. THINGS, MOTIVATE (CARROTS AND STICKS)
The formal reward structure encourages the wrong behavior while discouraging the right behavior.

Diagnostic Questions

Will doing the right thing cost them money?

Does doing the right thing put their career or job at risk?

Does doing the right thing put better jobs, assignments, or working conditions at risk?

Does doing the wrong thing bring them more money, enhance their career, or give them better
assignments or working conditions?

SOURCE 6. THINGS, ENABLE (BRIDGES AND BARRIERS)
The environment, structure, policies, procedures, rules, and all other “things” make it hard or

impossible to do the right behavior while making it easy to do the wrong behavior.

Diagnostic Questions

Is the required task part of their current job description or role?

Are there policies, rules, or procedures that make the desired behavior difficult or impossible?

Are their bureaucratic steps or barriers that hinder them?

Do they have the equipment or tools they need?

Is the physical environment a help or a hindrance?

Do they have access to the information they need—are they getting adequate performance feedback?

Are their goals and priorities clear?

Appendix C

When Things Go Right
Crucial Accountability was written to address the question of how we confront and address a gap in

our expectations. Let’s take a look at the other potential outcome we haven’t explored yet: The other
person has performed up to expectations or even better. This is your chance to express sincere praise.

PRAISE

Praise plays an important role in problem solving. Those who are best at holding accountability
discussions make good use of praise between conversations. When people see them coming, they already
feel respected and valued. They assume that the problem solver has their best interests in mind because he
or she consistently recognizes when things are going well and talks about those accomplishments openly
and frequently. When given sincerely and often, praise provides a reserve of respect one can draw from
when it’s time to talk about a failed promise.
Praise is also a subject that receives attention about twice a year when human resources folks conduct

satisfaction surveys. According to the authors’ research, the number one employee complaint year in and
year out always comes down to the same issue: not being recognized for a job well done. It seems that
most of us are missing opportunities to create a climate of mutual respect. To help reverse this trend, let’s
look at some thoughts about praise that are a bit counterintuitive.

Counterintuitive Suggestions

Praise More Than You Think You Should and Then Double It
When it comes to giving out praise, we’re all suspicious. When someone suggests that perhaps we

should be more generous in giving praise to others—say, employees, loved ones, and children—we
worry about going overboard. We don’t want to cheapen our praise by doling it out so liberally that it no
longer means anything. So we hold our praise for special occasions such as Olympic medal ceremonies,
retirement parties, and funerals. After all, there can be too much of a good thing.
Perhaps the biggest reason we don’t mete out praise very often is that we miss the chances to do so. We

don’t see the positive. For example, when your kids aren’t fighting, you don’t notice it. When your direct
reports are plugging along day in and day out and aren’t causing problems, who could notice that? In fact,
Sherlock Holmes once solved a crime because he alone observed that a dog wasn’t barking. You have to
be a fictional genius to notice the absence of noise. The same thing is true with problems. And if you don’t
notice the lack of problems (“things gone right”), you certainly won’t praise people.
The fact that the praise statistics never get better no matter how much we study them, talk about them,

and lament their embarrassing consistency is a function of the fact that our society suffers from obscured
vision—we can only see the bad. In the leadership literature this is called management by exception: pay
attention to and work on things gone wrong. Within a family it’s called survival: put out the fire before it
consumes the house. Every year people complain that they aren’t recognized for their good performance
because every year their bosses are so blinded by problems that they don’t notice things that have gone
right.
Of course, we do notice record-breaking accomplishments. Hit new numbers or finish a huge task, and

the world takes notice. But honoring the humongous or the exceptional is expected. It doesn’t feel like

genuine praise; it feels like getting your due. Celebrating mammoth accomplishments will never satisfy an
individual’s desire for more praise.
To put this problem in perspective, Mark Twain once suggested that he could live for two months on a

good compliment, and he was an American hero during his lifetime. How much more do everyday heroes
such as file clerks, code writers, and prison guards long for a simple word of thanks? And what will it
take to be able to first see and then celebrate achievements other than record-breaking performances?
The psychological explanation for our inability to see things gone right is incorporated in figure-ground

theory. The human perceptual system simplifies any visual array into a figure that we look at and a ground
that is everything else that makes up the background. In corporate and family life, problems are the figure
and everything else is the ground.
M. C. Escher made a better living than most of his contemporaries by painting works that confused

figure and ground. First you see the black birds, and then you squint your eyes just so and see the white
birds. We would all make life better if we ensured that certain aspects of human behavior were more
noticeable and thus noticed, turning routine success into something that first catches our eye and then gets
attention.
As in squinting at an Escher painting, we must find ways to reverse what has historically been

background and turn it into the foreground, the focus of our attention and the object of our good words.
What would it be like if our employees, loved ones, and children felt that we always noticed their hard
efforts and good works? What would it be like if our own companies and families were known as places
where good deeds were rewarded instead of punished?
To achieve this monumental feat, to turn around more than a half century of low praise scores, requires

but three things: commitment, a change in standards, and simple cues.
An illustration might help. Let’s take our lead from Donald Petersen, former chairman of Ford Motor

Company. Every day he sat down at a massive desk—in an office large enough to shoot hoops in—and
handwrote short, sincere, positive messages to people he worked with. He argued, “The most important
ten minutes of your day are those you spend doing something to boost the people you work with.”1

Here was the chairman of one of the largest companies in the world, a man who easily could have spent
all his time doing long-term planning and high-level thinking, and he believed that his most important job
was to offer sincere appreciation to those around him. That’s the change in belief we’re suggesting. Until
we buy into the notion that expressing honest appreciation as a leader, friend, and parent is one of our
most important jobs, we’re not likely to do much to overcome the mental mechanisms and years of habit
that keep us focused on problems.
The second feature of what Mr. Petersen did is also worth noting. He sent simple handwritten notes. If

you talk to anyone who received one, you’re likely to learn that the notes often commented on modest
accomplishments. He didn’t thank people only for home runs; he thanked them for cheering from the bench
or quietly offering support. Our current standards for recognition contain two enormous barriers. First, the
feat must be monumental. Second, the reward must match; it should be expensive and time-consuming.
Break the habit. Look for and then praise small things. Most of us are already celebrating the big things.
Husbands often have a hard time getting this point. When all a wife really wants is a kind word, a

gentle touch, or a sincere smile, the husband misses these opportunities for months on end and then one
day ponies up with a new car. Or worse, he gives her something he thinks is terrific but she doesn’t. The
prize for this version of insensitivity goes to a fellow who gave his wife a manhole cover for Valentine’s
Day because it had her initials pressed into it (CON for “City of Newark”). “Wow, my very own manhole
cover/jewelry! Does it come with a chain?”
The third element is a bit harder to notice. The chairman of Ford sat down every day and wrote notes.

By doing it every day, he didn’t have to be reminded. Even if we sincerely want to reward
accomplishments and are willing to look for the little things, we often forget. Problems are the field, and
solutions are the ground. To reverse this habit, schedule time to do nothing but focus on things gone right.
Set aside a time every day to walk around and look for elements that you can praise. Then do it. Sit down
at your computer, bring up the e-mail address of a friend or colleague, and write a thoughtful note. Keep it
short and sincere. With time and practice, you’ll start noticing things gone right more naturally.
If we’re paying attention to small accomplishments and then offering up thanks or perhaps a note or

maybe a tiny memento, aren’t we being too low-key and cheap? Consider the following story: Every year
one of the authors receives a birthday card with a handwritten message from an old friend. He hasn’t seen
this friend in over a decade, and yet every year a card shows up in his mailbox. It’s nice. It’s the only card
other than ones from family members he ever receives, and it always contains a thoughtful personalized
note. Sometimes the author picks up the phone and calls his old friend. Sometimes he fires off a thank-you
e-mail. But mostly he just reads the card, thinks of the pleasant friendship, and smiles the smile of a
person being appreciated. Small, heartfelt moments of appreciation never wear thin.
Surely the person who sends the card has a reminder on his calendar. That’s the cue. Surely he cares

about being pleasant and thoughtful. That’s the commitment. And surely he realizes that just having a
birthday is cause enough for a thoughtful word. That’s the change in standards.

Praise Individuals in Private and Groups in Public
This notion also runs counter to what typically happens in organizations. The whole idea behind every

award ceremony ever devised is to allow people to bask in the admiration of their friends and peers. That
is a good thing. Research reveals, however, that when this is handled poorly, many people feel resentment
toward the people who are being honored. “Why wasn’t I picked?” is a common question. When you can,
celebrate team successes as a team and private successes in private.

Focus on the Process, Not the Results
This runs counter to what typically happens. Teams and individuals alike are often rewarded for

breaking records. The danger is that in doing this people also break all kinds of rules, regulations, and
policies just to hit the higher numbers. Sometimes they merely cook the books. This is not to suggest that
numbers don’t matter but to highlight the importance of rewarding individuals who stick to effective
processes.
For example, a group of waitresses at a Matsushita plant in Tokyo received the Presidential Gold

Medal for saving money on the tea they served in the company cafeteria.2 The waitresses noted who
typically sat where and how much tea they consumed and then poured the appropriate amount at each
table. They didn’t save the most money—not by a long shot—but earned the award because they followed
the process better than others did.

Add Spontaneity to Structure
We’ve nibbled at this issue; now let’s take a big bite out of it. Most of the recognition handed out in

companies is structured. We hold monthly awards ceremonies; we have annual banquets. When these
events become the only venue for honoring our friends and colleagues, people become cynical.
Recognition feels obligatory and insincere. Praise feels mechanical and cold. Simple, sincere, and
individualized handwritten notes are replaced by fancy etched plaques that are written once, carved by
machines, and applied equally to everyone.
Supplement your formal celebrations with 10 times as many informal ones. Write personal notes, stop

people in the hall, drop off a cookie or flower, and make “thank you” your mantra. Watch for things gone
right and then spontaneously and sincerely offer up your thanks and praise. Tell people what they did and
why it’s worth noting and then end with a simple “Thank you.”
Make recognition such an informal, spontaneous, important, and common part of your corporate and

family culture that formal celebrations will feel heartfelt rather than mechanical and obligatory. Make
praise such a common part of your personal style that when you do enter into an accountability
conversation, you’ll have built a safe, trusting, and respectful relationship.

Appendix D

Discussion Questions for Reading Groups
Move from “thinking about it” to “got it” with a regular discussion of Crucial Accountability. Organize

a small group of family members, friends, coworkers, or colleagues and hold a weekly discussion. Here’s
a short list of questions sure to kick-start any group discussion.
For a downloadable version of the discussion questions found in this book, visit

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources.

1. Behind the serious and long-lasting problems that families, teams, or organizations typically face
are accountability discussions that people either aren’t holding or aren’t holding well. Explain.

2. What are the accountability discussions you typically avoid? What performance gaps have you had
the courage to step up to but have handled poorly?

3. When deciding if they should hold an accountability discussion, what tricks do people typically
employ in order to talk themselves out of speaking up? What tricks do you use most often? What will
it take for you to break the silence-to-violence habit?

4. When deciding what to confront, what mistakes do people typically make? How does the term
“Groundhog Day” apply to accountability discussions?

5. Someone has let you down. You figure he or she did it on purpose, and so you’re about to give the
person a piece of your mind. Why is it that you are now you at risk of making the situation worse?

6. Why are the first few seconds of an accountability discussion so important? What mistakes do
people typically make when first describing a performance gap?

7. What motivates people and why? When it comes to motivating others, what mistakes are people in
positions of power likely to make?

8. When people aren’t able to deliver on a promise, what mistakes might a new leader or parent
make? When others are blocked from performing, why ask them for their ideas on how to solve the
problem? Why should you “make it easy” for others?

9. You’re talking about a problem, and a new one comes up—what should you do? If you decide to
deal with the new problem, when are you merely being distracted? When are you being sensible and
flexible?
10. What principle from this book did you find most important? Which one was the most surprising?
11. What skill did you find to be the most difficult to put into practice? Why was that? What will it
take to get better at that skill?
12. How can your discussion group help each member become better at holding accountability
discussions?
13. How can you help one another prepare or practice for a particularly difficult conversation?
14. What methods can you use to remind yourselves to be on your best behavior—particularly when
you’re becoming upset and are about to move into “lecture mode”?

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources

Notes
Introduction
1. VitalSmarts study: When Bad Relatives Happen to Good People (July 2009).
2. VitalSmarts study: How to Talk Politics with Friends—and Still Have Some Left (September
2012).
3. VitalSmarts study: Corporate Untouchables (September 2006).
4. VitalSmarts study: Pssst! Your Corporate Initiative Is Dead and You’re the Only One Who
Doesn’t Know (February 2007).
5. Deborah Tannen, “How to Give Orders Like a Man,” New York Times Magazine (August 28,
1994): 201–204.
6. Richard P. Feynman, What Do You Care What Other People Think? (New York: Bantam Books,
1988), 214–215.

Chapter 1
1. Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication
and Emotional Life (New York: Henry Holt and Company, 2003).
2. Solomon E. Asch, “Effects of Group Pressure upon the Modification and Distortion of
Judgments,” in Harold S. Guetzkow, ed., Groups, Leadership, and Men (Pittsburgh, PA: Carnegie
Press, 1951), 177–190.
3. Stanley Milgram, Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View (New York: Harper & Row,
1974).

Chapter 4
1. Kurt Lewin, Ron Lippett, and Robert White, “Patterns of Aggressive Behaviour in Experimentally
Created ‘Social Climates,’” Journal of Social Psychology 10 (1939), 271–299.
2. Yuichi Shoda, W. Mischel, and P. K. Peake, “Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Social
Competence from Preschool Delay of Gratification: Identifying Diagnostic Conditions,”
Developmental Psychology 26 (1990), 978–986.

Appendix C
1. Fred Bauer, “The Power of a Note,” in Heart at Work: Stories and Strategies for Building Self-
Esteem and Reawakening the Soul at Work, compiled by Jack Canfield and Jacqueline Miller (New
York: McGraw-Hill, 1998), 190–194.
2. Masaaki Imai, Kaizen: The Key to Japan’s Competitive Success (New York: McGraw-Hill,
1986), 19–20, 107.

Index
Please note that index links point to page beginnings from the print edition. Locations are

approximate in e-readers, and you may need to page down one or more times after clicking a link to
get to the indexed material.

A
Abandonment, 203–204
Ability:

confusing motivation and, 139–143
link between motivation and, 138–139
motivation vs., 153
power of single barrier to, 153–154

Ability barriers, 224
brainstorming to eliminate, 154–156
joint exploration of, 145
motivation barriers and, 153, 159–160
positive deviants’ response to, 11
power of single barrier, 153–154
pretending to involve others in solving, 149–151
questions for diagnosing, 146, 155–156
unfinished business in eliminating, 159–160

Abuse, 56–58
Accountability discussions, 224

and collaboration, 152
to discover intentions, 27
lack of training for, 75–76
and potentially devastating feedback, 235
preparation for, 15
repeated, 22
self-assessment of skills for, 247–251
(See also individual topics)

Accountability skills, learnability of, 39
Acting out of your concerns, 32–34
Adrenaline, 50, 56, 57, 88, 114, 180, 181
Advice, avoiding, 145–148
Advising, where necessary, 156–159
Agree on a Plan, 195–201, 209

clear expectations, 199–200
for difficult problems, 213, 220

and making assumptions, 197–198
and predictable bad endings, 196–197
specific responsibilities, 199
summarizing conversation, 205–206
time factors, 200–201
WWWF, 198–199

Allen, Woody, 1, 189
Allowing violations, 1–6
Ambiguous causes, 140
AMPP model, 185–188
“And” thinking, 37
Anger:

curiosity vs., 61
dealing with, 181–190
dissipating, 182–184
understanding, 180–181

Asch, Solomon, 35, 62, 229
Asking (AMPP model), 185
Asking for ideas, 148–156

and avoiding quick advice, 145–148
and biasing responses, 148–149
and needing to have all the answers, 151–153
and pretending to involve others, 149–151
and sources of influence, 153–156

Asking for permission, 89
Assumptions, 51–53

revealed through nonverbal communication, 33
when agreeing on a plan, 197–198

Attribution errors, 52–53 (See also Fundamental attribution error)
Attribution studies, 51
Audits, 203
Authoritarian leadership style, 115
Authority, confronting, 226–229

B
Barriers:

joint exploration of, 145
motivation, 153, 159–160
physical, 157–159
questions for diagnosing, 61, 124, 146, 155–156

(See also Ability barriers)
Behavior:

borderline, 237–239
impacted by data, 68, 158
impacted by gadgets, 67–68
natural consequences of, 227
nonverbal, 33
stories that justify your worst behaviors, 58–59
unwillingness to behave badly, 7–8

Biasing responses, 148–149
Bierce, Ambrose, 75
Big problems (see Difficult problems)
Bookmarks (for staying focused), 166, 175–177
Borderline behavior, 237–239
Brainstorming:

to eliminate ability barriers, 154–156
in relationship conversations, 233

Breaking from the pack, 229–231
Broken promises, 31

Contrasting in dealing with, 87
staying focused on, 170, 178

Bureaucratic barriers, 157–159

C
“Can I …” questions, 36
Carlin, George, 47
Carping, 228, 229
Certainty of silence, choosing, 35–38
Challenger space shuttle disaster, 6
Charisma (as motivator), 111–112
Checkback, 205
Checkup, 204–205
Choose What and If, 18–44, 222–223

about promises clearly broken, 31
about unclear and iffy infractions, 31–32
case example, 29–30
for difficult problems, 212, 214–215
getting to the right conversation, 24–26
and not speaking when you should, 32–41
prioritizing issues, 27–28

signs of dealing with wrong problem, 19–24
and speaking up when you shouldn’t, 41–44
Stay Focused and Flexible, 190
unbundling the problem, 26–27
when encountering new problems, 166–167

Civility, 8–9
Climate for conversations:

establishing, 47
in hazardous half minute, 49–50

Commitments:
broken, 77, 173
checking for, 206
and effective solutions, 147
making it easy to keep (see Make It Motivating)

Complicated causes, 140–141
Complicated infractions, 9, 77
Complicated problems (see Difficult problems)
Concerns, acting out of, 32–34
Conclusions:

harsh, 93–94
jumping to, 51–53

Create Safety, 73
Describe the Gap, 102–103
for difficult problems, 216–217
Make It Easy, 163
Make It Motivating, 134
(See also individual topics)

Confronting authority, 226–229
Confucius, 137
Conscience, nagging, 34–35
Consequence bundle, 111

and perks, 116
use of power to expand, 113

Consequences:
explained to resistant workers, 126
and masked causes, 142
natural (see Natural consequences)
reasons to explore, 124
as source of motivation, 134
and unbundling of problems, 26

Content of infractions, 24, 178
Content–pattern–relationship (CPR) model, 24–26

in analyzing problems, 178–179
in deciding what to discuss, 28, 45

Contrasting:
for difficult problems, 216–218
at end of accountability conversation, 200
when breaking from the pack, 230
when describing the gap, 86–87
when discussing emergent problems, 168, 169
when discussing repeated infractions, 100

Conversing, 228
Coping, 228–229
CPR model (see Content–pattern–relationship model)
Crimson Tide (film), 112
Critical-event follow-up, 202
Criticism, follow-up perceived as, 203
Crucial accountability, 1–14

foundation of, 172–174
learning positive skills for, 12–14
and positive deviance, 10–12
providing polite ways for exacting, 8–9
with serious/complicated infractions, 9
and unwillingness to behave badly, 7–8
and willingness to allow violations, 1–6

Crucial Skills newsletter, 246
Culture changes, 236–237
Curiosity, anger vs., 61
Cutting out, 228

D
Data, behavior impacted by, 68, 158
Deadlines, ambiguity in, 201
Delay, strategic, 189, 223
Describe the Gap, 75–103, 223

for difficult problems, 212, 217, 218
end with a question, 97–98
knowing what not to do, 77–80
learning from positive deviants about, 80–81
share your path, 91–97

start with safety, 81–91
in tough situations, 98–101

Diagnosis of problems, 106
Diagnostic questions, 97–98
Differentiating yourself, 41–43
Difficult problems, 211–224

Agree on a Plan and Follow Up, 213, 220
Choose What and If, 212, 214–215
Make It Safe, 216–218
Describe the Gap, 212, 217, 218
Make It Easy, 212, 218–219
Make It Motivating, 212, 218–219
Master My Stories, 212, 215–216
Stay Focused and Flexible, 213, 219
(See also “Yeah-Buts”)

Difficult/unpleasant tasks, 138–143
Dirksen, Everett, 165
Discipline, 127–128
Dishonoring peers, 43–44
Dispositional view:

and excessive use of power, 113–114
situational view vs., 52

E
Effectiveness formula, 147
Ekman, Paul, 33
Emergent problems (see Stay Focused and Flexible)
Emotions (feelings):

dissipating, 182–184
effect of attempting to hide, 33–34
explosive (see Explosive emotions)
getting to source of, 184

Empathy (for difficult bosses), 227
Empowerment, involvement and, 148
Ending conversations (see Agree on a plan)
Entrapment, 78
Escher, M. C., 258
Exaggerating cost of expressing views, 37–38
Expectations:

and motivating others, 110–111

praise for meeting, 256–262
repeated violations of, 21–22 (See also Violated expectations)
when agreeing on a plan, 199–200

Explosive emotions, 179–189
dealing with anger, 181–190
understanding anger, 180–181

F
Facts:

for dealing with borderline behavior, 238–239
when sharing your path, 94–95

Fear:
and discussions of emergent problems, 168
as motivator, 115

Feedback:
asking for, 161
potentially devastating, 234–235

Feelings (see Emotions)
Flexibility (see Stay Focused and Flexible)
Focus (see Stay Focused and Flexible)
Follow Up, 201–208, 209

checkup and checkback, 204–205
for difficult problems, 213, 220
frequency and type of, 201–205
and micromanagement or abandonment, 203–204
problems with, 206–208
reasons for, 206–208

Force, 114, 115 (See also Power)
Forgetting promises, 206–207
Fundamental attribution error, 52, 53

avoiding, 95
Contrasting to avoid, 86
helping others to commit, 55

G
Gadgets, behavior impacted by, 67–68
Games, avoiding, 77–78
Gaps, 76–77 (See also Describe the Gap)
Groundhog Day:

avoiding, 98–101
eliminating, 24

and nagging, 242
and repeated infractions, 22, 25

Groundhog Day (film), 22
Group attacks, 90
Group learning tools, 263

H
Hands-off management style, 204
Hazardous half minute, 49–51
Hearsay, 233–234
Helplessness, 38–39
Hidden victims, 120–121
Human resources:

and problem employees, 233
and way out of line people, 236

Humanizing questions, 59
Humor, inappropriate, 90

I
Ideas, asking for (see Asking for ideas)
Identifying problems (see Choose What and If)
If question (see Choose What and If)
Inability to change, 244–246
Influence:

and commitment-keeping, 153–156
identifying sources of, 60–68
personal factors in, 60–61
social factors in, 61–64
structural factors in, 64–68
using sources of, 69–70

Information access, 158
Infractions:

content of, 24, 178
pattern of, 24–25, 178
repeated, 21–26, 100, 241–242
serious/complicated, 9, 77
unclear and iffy, 31–32

Innuendo, 78
Intentions, unbundling of problems and, 26–27
Involvement:

to enable others, 146–147

to motivate others, 147–148
pretending to involve others, 149–151

J
Jumping to conclusions, 51–53

L
Lack of motivation, signs of, 106–107
LaMotta, John, 33
Leadership:

knowledge and, 151
lack of training for, 76

Leadership styles, 115
Lewin, Kurt, 115
Long-term benefits, 120

M
Make It Easy, 137–163

by advising where necessary, 156–159
by asking for ideas, 148–156
by avoiding quick advice, 145–148
and biasing responses, 148–149
by checking both sides, 159–160
and confusing motivation and ability, 139–143
for difficult problems, 212, 218–219
by jointly exploring barriers, 145
and link between motivation and ability, 138–139
by making it safe, 160–162
and misdiagnosis of problems, 138–143
and needing to have all the answers, 151–153
and pretending to involve others, 149–151
skill needed to, 143–145
and sources of influence, 153–156

Make It Motivating, 105–135, 224
approaches to avoid, 111–116
case example, 131–133
and charisma, 111–112
and consequence bundle, 111
and creating work-arounds, 129–130
and diagnosis of problems, 106
for difficult problems, 212, 218–219

and expectations, 110–111
by exploring natural consequences, 117–123
finishing conversations about, 130–131
by matching methods to circumstances, 123–127
oversimplification in, 107–110
and perks, 115–116
and power, 112–115
signs of lack of motivation, 106–107
and use of discipline, 127–128

Manipulation, avoiding, 149–151
Marginal work, 237–239
Marston, Ralph, 211
Masked causes, 141–143
Master My Stories, 47–72, 223

choosing silence, 53–54
choosing violence, 54–58
for difficult problems, 212, 215–216
and the hazardous half minute, 48–51
in hearsay situations, 234
with “humanizing questions,” 59
identifying sources of influence in, 60–68
jumping to conclusions/making assumptions, 51–53
personal factors in, 60–61
social factors in, 61–64
structural factors in, 64–68
that justify your worst behaviors, 58–59
using sources of influence in, 69–70

Micromanagement, 203–204
Milgram, Stanley, 35, 62
Mirroring (AMPP model), 186
Misdiagnosis of problems, 138–143
Money (as motivator), 65–66
Motivation, 223–224

ability vs., 153
confusing ability and, 139–143
of difficult bosses, 227
involvement and, 147–148
lack of, 106–107
link between ability and, 138–139
Master My Stories, 71

power of any source of, 153
Motivation barriers, ability barriers and, 153, 159–160
Move to Action, 193

Agree on a Plan, 195–201, 205–206
Follow Up, 201–208
(See also individual topics)

Mutual Purpose:
and collaboration, 152
for difficult problems, 216–217
when dealing with difficult bosses, 227
when describing the gap, 84, 87–89
when discussing overwork situations, 240–241
when discussing repeated infractions, 100

Mutual Respect:
effect of force on, 114
when describing the gap, 83–85

N
Nagging, 241–242
Nagging conscience, 34–35
Natural consequences:

in case example, 131–133
of difficult bosses’ behavior, 227
explaining, to resistant workers, 126
exploring, 117–123
and masked causes, 142
as source of motivation, 134

“Nice” (organizational culture), 207–208
Nietzche, Friedrich, 57
Nonverbal behavior, 33
Not speaking when you should, 32–41

and acting out of concerns, 32–34
and choosing certainty of silence, 35–38
and feelings of helplessness, 38–39
and nagging conscience, 34–35

O
On-the-spot creativity (see Stay Focused and Flexible)
Osgood, Charles, 225
Oversimplification (of motivation), 107–110
Overwork, 239–241

P
Paddleford, Clementine, 195
Paperwork (as barrier), 158
Paraphrasing (AMPP model), 186–187
Passing the buck, 78–79
Path to Action:

in hazardous half minute, 50–51
of the other person, 184–188
paraphrasing of, 187–188
and sources of feelings, 180
when dealing with explosive emotions, 180–181
when describing the gap, 93

Pattern of infraction, 24–25, 178
Peer pressure, 35, 62–63
Peers, dishonoring, 43–44
Perks (as motivator), 115–116
Permission, asking for, 89
Personal ability barriers, 154–155
Personal factors, in mastering your stories, 60–61
Petersen, Donald, 259
Physical barriers, 157–159
Positive deviance, 10–12, 224
Positive deviants, learning from, 80–81
Potentially devastating feedback, 234–235
Power:

coping with failure of, 129–130
motivation through, 112–115

Praise, 256–262
for following process, 261
for groups, 261
for individuals, 261
more than you think you should, 257–259
and problem solving, 256–257
spontaneous and structured, 261–262

Predictable bad endings, 196–197
Preparation for accountability conversations, 15
Priming:

to create safety, 187–188
in relationship conversations, 232–233
when leading root-cause discussions, 161–162

Priorities, differing, 124–125
Prioritizing issues, 27–28
Privacy (for Accountability discussions), 89–90
Problem-based relationships, 242–244
Problems:

choosing right problem to address, 223
diagnosis of, 106
with Follow Up, 206–208
misdiagnosis of, 138–143
new problems arise during conversation, 174–179
(See also Difficult problems)

Promises:
broken (see Broken promises)
forgetting, 206–207

Purpose (see Mutual Purpose)

Q
Questions, 223

to ask employees, 151–153
“can I …”, 36
for diagnosing barriers, 61, 124, 146, 155–156
for diagnosing not speaking up when we should, 32
at end of accountability conversation, 97–98, 100, 200
humanizing, 59
for Six-Source Model, 253–256
when describing the gap, 97–98

R
Reading groups, discussion questions for, 263–264
Recurring/repeating problems, ability barriers and, 155–156
Relationships:

effect of force on, 114
effect of infractions on, 25–26
when dealing with emergent problems, 178–179

Repeated infractions, 21–26
discussing the right issues with, 23–24
Contrasting when discussing, 100
getting increasingly upset about, 22–23
and nagging, 241–242
tools for handling, 24–26
(See also Groundhog Day)

Resistance:
effect of force on, 115
overcoming, 125–127

Respect:
Mutual, 83–85, 114
when describing the gap, 83–87

Responsibilities, specific, 199
Rewards (as motivator), 65, 115–116
Right conversation, getting to the, 24–26
Risk:

of project for which follow-up is needed, 202
of speaking up, 35–38

Root causes:
asking for permission to discuss, 160–161
identifying, 156
priming to ease discussion of, 161–162
Six-Source Model, 60

Rules (as barriers), 157–158

S
Safety:

and asking for permission, 89
creating, 73
effect of force on, 115
to make commitment-keeping easy, 160–162
mutual purpose for, 84, 87–89
mutual respect for, 83–87
privacy for, 89–90
signs that safety is at risk, 82–83
in starting conversations, 81–91
watching for safety problems, 96–97
when breaking from the pack, 230–231
when dealing with anger, 181–182, 187–189
when dealing with difficult bosses, 227
when people feel unsafe, 168–169

Sandwiching, 77
Scary people, 235–236
Scheduled follow-up, 202
Self-assessment of skills, 247–251
Serious infractions, 9, 77

Sharing your path, 91–97
avoiding judgments/harsh conclusions in, 93–94
and keeping others in the dark, 92–93
and sharing your story, 95–97
start with facts in, 94–95

Short-term benefits, 119
“Should I …” questions, 36
Silence:

choosing, 53–54
choosing certainty of, 35–38
and difficult problems, 222
in face of violated expectations, 2–8
warning signs of going to, 39–41

Situational view, 52, 59
Six-Source Model:

diagnostic questions, 252–255
for difficult problems, 218–219
Make It Easy, 153–154, 212
Make It Motivating, 116, 212
Master My Stories, 68–71
structure of, 60–68

Skills self-assessment, 247–251
Social ability barriers, 155
Social factors, in mastering your stories, 61–64
Social norms, violations of, 1–4
Solutions, commitment and, 147
Speaking up when you shouldn’t, 41–44

and differentiating yourself from others, 41–43
and dishonoring peers, 43–44

Standards:
clarifying, 236
holding people to, 42–44

Stay Focused and Flexible, 165–191
for difficult problems, 213, 219
need for, 166–167
when explosive emotions take over, 179–189
when new problems arise, 174–179
when people feel unsafe, 168–169
when your trust has been violated, 169–174

Stepping out of content, 97, 101, 132, 133

Stepping out of the conversation, 122, 168
Sticky problems (see Difficult problems)
Stories, mastering (see Master My Stories)
Strategic delay, 189, 223
Structural factors:

and ability barriers, 155
in mastering your stories, 64–68

Summarizing (planning discussion), 205–206
Surprise attacks, 78

T
Tactically inferior solutions, 147
Threats, consequences as, 121–122
Time factors, in agreeing on a plan, 200–201
Topics of conversations (see Choose What and If)
Trust:

creating bedrock of, 174
violation of, 169–174

U
Unbundling problems, 26–27
Unclear infractions, 31–32
Uncommunicative spouses, 231–233
Unexpected events (see Stay Focused and Flexible)

V
Victims, hidden, 120–121
Violated expectations:

dangerous situations created by, 229
defined, 76
as gaps, 76–77
providing polite ways for dealing with, 8–9
repeated instances of, 21–22
willingness to allow, 1–6
(See also Broken promises)

Violated trust, 169–174
Violence, 54–58

physical, 181–182
verbal, 7, 222

W

Washington, Denzel, 112
Way out of line people, 235–236
What conversations to have (see Choose What and If)
What not to do, 77–80
Whether to have conversations (see Choose What and If)
Work on Me First, 15

Choose What and If, 45
(See also individual topics)

Work-arounds, creating, 129–130
Workload, 239–241
Worry, 207–208
Wrong problem, signs of dealing with, 19–24
WWWF model, 198–199
Y
“Yeah-Buts,” 225–246

borderline behavior, 237–239
breaking from the pack, 229–231
confronting authority, 226–229
culture changes, 236–237
hearsay, 233–234
inability to change, 244–246
nagging, 241–242
overwork, 239–241
potentially devastating feedback, 234–235
problem-based relationships, 242–244
uncommunicative spouses, 231–233
way out of line or scary people, 235–236

Z
Zone of acceptance, 31, 40, 242

About the Authors
This award-winning team of authors has produced four New York Times bestsellers—Crucial

Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High, Cru cial Accountability: Tools for Re solving
Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior, Influencer: The New Science of
Leading Change, and Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success. They are also
cofounders of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance.

Kerry Patterson has co-authored four award-winning training programs and led multiple long-term
change efforts in Fortune 500 organizations around the world. He is the recipient of the BYU Marriott
School of Management Dyer Award for outstanding contribution in organizational behavior and he
completed doctoral work at Stanford University.

Joseph Grenny is an author, speaker, and social scientist for business performance. He has advised
leaders on every major continent, from the boardrooms of Fortune 500 companies to the slums of Nairobi,
Kenya. He cofounded two not-for-profit organizations Unitus Labs and The Other Side Academy.

Ron McMillan has consulted with thousands of leaders around the world ranging from first-level
managers to Fortune 500 executives. Prior to founding VitalSmarts, he cofounded the Covey Leadership

Center where he served as vice president of research and development.

Al Switzler is a renowned consultant who has directed training and management initiatives with
leaders from Fortune 500 companies worldwide. He also served on the faculty of the Executive
Development center at the University of Michigan.

About VitalSmarts
An innovator in corporate training and leadership development, VitalSmarts combines three decades of

original research with 50 years of the best social science thinking to help organizations achieve new
levels of performance. Specifically, we focus on human behavior—the underlying written and unwritten
rules that shape what employees do every day.

VitalSmarts’ work within the halls of some of the world’s top organizations has led us to identify key
skill sets present in successful companies. When used in combination, these high-leverage skills create
healthy corporate cultures that spur flawless execution and consistent innovation. These skill sets are
taught in the award-winning training programs and New York Times bestselling books: Crucial
Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, Change Anything and Getting Things Done.

VitalSmarts has trained more than 2 million people worldwide and helped more than 300 of the Fortune
500 realize significant results by driving rapid, sustainable and measurable change in behaviors.
VitalSmarts was ranked by Inc. magazine as one of the fastest-growing companies in America for ten
consecutive years.

www.vitalsmarts.com

Table of Contents
Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad

Behavior, SECOND EDITION
Copyright Page

Dedication

Contents
Foreword
Preface
Acknowledgments
Introduction: What Is Crucial Accountability? And Who Cares?
Part One: Work on Me First What to Do Before an Accountability Conversation

Chapter 1: Choose What and If How to Know What Conversation to Hold and If You Should Hold It
Chapter 2: Master My Stories How to Get Your Head Right Before Opening Your Mouth

Part Two: Create Safety What to Do During an Accountability Conversation
Chapter 3: Describe the Gap How to Start an Accountability Conversation
Chapter 4: Make It Motivating How to Help Others Want to Take Action
Chapter 5: Make It Easy How to Make Keeping Commitments (Almost) Painless
Chapter 6: Stay Focused and Flexible What to Do When Others Get Sidetracked, Scream, or Sulk

Part Three: Move to Action What to Do After an Accountability Conversation
Chapter 7: Agree on a Plan and Follow Up How to Gain Commitment and Move to Action
Chapter 8: Put It All Together How to Solve Big, Sticky, Complicated Problems
Chapter 9: The 12 “Yeah-Buts” How to Deal with the Truly Tough

Appendix A: Where Do You Stand? A Self-Assessment for Measuring Your Accountability Conversation
Skills

Appendix B: Six-Source Diagnostic Questions The Six-Source Model
Appendix C: When Things Go Right
Appendix D: Discussion Questions for Reading Groups
Notes
Index

• Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior, SECOND EDITION
• Copyright Page

Dedication
Contents
Foreword
Preface
Acknowledgments

• Introduction: What Is Crucial Accountability? And Who Cares?
• Part One: Work on Me First What to Do Before an Accountability Conversation

Chapter 1: Choose What and If How to Know What Conversation to Hold and If You Should Hold It
Chapter 2: Master My Stories How to Get Your Head Right Before Opening Your Mouth

• Part Two: Create Safety What to Do During an Accountability Conversation

Chapter 3: Describe the Gap How to Start an Accountability Conversation
Chapter 4: Make It Motivating How to Help Others Want to Take Action
Chapter 5: Make It Easy How to Make Keeping Commitments (Almost) Painless
Chapter 6: Stay Focused and Flexible What to Do When Others Get Sidetracked, Scream, or Sulk

• Part Three: Move to Action What to Do After an Accountability Conversation

Chapter 7: Agree on a Plan and Follow Up How to Gain Commitment and Move to Action
Chapter 8: Put It All Together How to Solve Big, Sticky, Complicated Problems
Chapter 9: The 12 “Yeah-Buts” How to Deal with the Truly Tough

• Appendix A: Where Do You Stand? A Self-Assessment for Measuring Your Accountability Conversation Skills
• Appendix B: Six-Source Diagnostic Questions The Six-Source Model
• Appendix C: When Things Go Right
• Appendix D: Discussion Questions for Reading Groups

Notes
Index