Hi, Wisline. You’ve made changes in the essay and the Chen article seems like a useful addition. And it is still apparent that you are making the point that our privacy is becoming more and more compromised with the new technologies in use and the fact that old data never seems to die. However, as noted here and on the prior draft, work is still needed to introduce and integrate sources effectively. You give Tolentino’s chapter title and her full name, but do not do this with the other sources. And, there is a brief attempt to tell the reader what her chapter covers, but this doesn’t happen with the other authors. If we can somehow discuss this this week, it might help. Otherwise, please see the examples I give in the “Basic MLA” handout and other handouts in Course Information in BB and the Purdue OWL website for help with this going into the 3rd draft, which will be the final draft of this essay in your portfolio. 

Surveillance and privacy on the
internet
by Wisline Fontilus

Submission date: 05-Feb-2021 07:25PM (UTC-0500)
Submission ID: 150275577

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File name: essay2_draft_2 x (22.41K)
Word count: 9

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Character count: 5246

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FINAL GRADE

5/5

GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Hi, Wisline. You’ve made changes in the essay and the
Chen article seems like a useful addition. And it is still
apparent that you are making the point that our privacy
is becoming more and more compromised with the new
technologies in use and the fact that old data never
seems to die. However, as noted here and on the prior
draft, work is still needed to introduce and integrate
sources effectively. You give Tolentino’s chapter title
and her full name, but do not do this with the other
sources. And, there is a brief attempt to tell the reader
what her chapter covers, but this doesn’t happen with
the other authors. If we can somehow discuss this this
week, it might help. Otherwise, please see the
examples I give in the “Basic MLA” handout and other
handouts in Course Information in BB and the Purdue
OWL website for help with this going into the 3rd draft,
which will be the final draft of this essay in your
portfolio.

PAGE 1

Comment 1

large

Comment 2

See the comments on the prior draft. This could still change. They are 2 issues, or surveillance has
raised the issue of privacy invasion.

Comment 3

Are you asking a question here? The sentence it is in didn’t start this way. Use a period after
“platforms” and then a question mark after “data” here.

Comment 4

You ask 2 questions, it seems. Perhaps change is needed to ask only one.

Comment 5

but rather

Comment 6

This still needs work to be introduced and integrated effectively. See the comments on draft 1 still.
Tolentino is quoting Darcy DiNucci, so this should be represented accurately. You’ll need more
sentences to both introduce the text well and set up the quotations that you want to use here.

PAGE 2

Comment 7

But what exactly is in Herrman’s piece that this is a reference to? His text still needs to be introduced
and integrated effectively as well.

Comment 8

This is still the wrong word to use.

Comment 9

The quotation given does not illustrate what you say Tolentino does. In addition to handing her text
better here, Herrman is also mentioned again at the end, but the reader has no sense of who this is–
what the title is of his article and what it is about. The reader needs this to be able to follow what you
give in the paper easier.

Comment 10

This should be “MySpace.” Also, is this discussion of what is in Herrman’s piece?

Comment 11

Whose words are these? Chen’s? They need to be in quotation marks. Also, as with Tolentino and
Herrman, his text needs to be introduced to the reader: Title, author’s name, and what his piece is
about , briefly.

Comment 12

But this, then, would be a good thing, no? If the “user” is the one for whom this “operates on behalf
of,” then what is the issue now? Do you mean to say that it “supposedly” does this?

Comment 13

What do you mean here? Does Chen say that the military or medical personnel use this for security
reasons?

PAGE 3

PAGE 4

Comment 14

This is better, but attention to detail is needed with punctuation and other things here. For example:

Herrman, John. “What … MySpace?” snd

His last name comes first on this page and be accurate with the spelling of it. Also, “MySpace” is one
word with capitalized letters in it and there is a question mark in the title. In the text of your essay,
this needs to change too.

There are other things to change with each of the texts you list, so see the examples given in
multiple handouts in Course Information for what to look for and fix here.

Surveillance and privacy on the internet
by Wisline Fontilus
Surveillance and privacy on the internet
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor

BasicMLA: 10 things to check for before you submit your essay

1. Set the spacing to “double,” with no extra spaces between lines and paragraphs.

2. Set the margins to 1-inch.

3. Left-justify the paper, meaning, the left margin is straight and the right margin is jagged (see below for an example).

4. Use 12-point, Times New Roman font.

5. Include a heading that is located at the left margin—here is how it should look:

John Doe

Prof. Kolkmeyer

English 30

21 May 2020

6. Your title should be centered and it should be original

Indent to show the start of a new paragraph. Then continue all the way to the left margin and it will go to the next line automatically. Only hit the “return” key when starting you are starting a new paragraph.

Like this. The indentation here indicates the start of a new paragraph. Now, like in the prior paragraph, you continue to type until the end of the line and automatically drops to the next line when it reaches the end, and so on…

7. Use “quotation marks” for article, essay, chapter, interview titles titles (see the sample paragraph below).

8. In-text quoting and citations should not clutter up the paper. Here’s an example of a paragraph that might appear in the body of the essay. Notice that page number references are in (parenthesis), not used in the signal phrase. The latter should indicate the context and/or speaker. All quotes should have signal phrases, but there are options:

Imagine education today without a computer. Initially, it seems this will create an unfair advantage, with those who have access to computers having more advantage over those who do not have access. Neil Postman, in 1992, points out this future in “The Judgment of Thamus,” an argument for being skeptical about how quick we are to embrace new innovations. Postman claims that the printed word and orality had reached a workable compromise in the four centuries that followed the invention of the printing press. However, at the onset of computers in the classroom becoming the norm when he wrote this piece, Postman asks, “Now comes the computer, carrying anew the banner of private learning and individual problem-solving. Will the widespread use of computers in the classroom defeat once and for all the claims of communal speech? Will the computer raise egocentrism to the status of a virtue?” (11). On the surface, yes; what Postman predicts in 1992 has happened, but “communal speech,” is different today, and if this is understood, a new compromise can be reached.

9. Here’s what a

Works Cited

page should look like with three sources from the class materials cited in a paper:

Works Cited

Chaplin, Charlie, director. Modern Times. United Artists, 1936.

Kelly, Kevin. Interview with Kirkpatrick Sale. “Interview with the Luddite.” Wired, 6 Jan. 1995,

https://www.wired.com/1995/06/saleskelly/

. Accessed 23 June 2020.

Postman, Neil. “The Judgment of Thamus.” Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to

Technology, Knopf, 1992, pp. 1-12,

https://rws511.pbworks.com/w/file/fetch/68739355/Postman_thamus

. Accessed 16

Aug. 2020.

10. If you have questions, go to the Purdue OWL website’s “MLA Formatting and Style Guide.” The “MLA In-text Citations: The Basics,” “MLA Formatting Quotations,” and the “Sample MLA Paper” are useful to check out. Here’s the link to the page with the drop-down menu that includes the latter:

https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/research_and_citation/mla_style/mla_formatting_and_style_guide/mla_formatting_and_style_guide.html