20170429_Yifan_ESSAY4698640 x2 xquestionsabouttheexampleessay xtheexampleessay
 

• Type of paperResearch Paper
• SubjectEnglish
• Number of pages6
• Format of citationMLA
• Number of cited resources4
• Type of serviceWriting

It′s an English class, but the topic is about drinking age law. And I need an A+ for the final paper (this one). So I need something better than the example paper. My topic is ″Should the drinking age be increased or decreased?″ U can decide not to take a side on should be increased or decreased, write on both side is fine. (and that’s what I would do) 1. Why the gov set the drinking age at 21 2. Why some people think should lower the drinking age 3. Drinking age with crime 4. The effect of minimum drinking age laws on pregnancy, fertility and alcohol consumption 5. Some part in India increased drinking age to 25. Why. And what happened after that. 6. How′re the situations in other countries These are some of my thought. U can follow it or do your own way. Do which way you think is better. I don’t really mind. As long as the paper will be graded A+. Thank you. Minimum four sources, add more if you need.

1

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, 1! I’m Sherry M., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!

*Writing Strength: 
You effectively use signal phrases that introduce your ideas with support from outside sources. For example, you wrote:

“Watson & Angela carried out a study on the effect of minimum drinking age on birth outcomes and found out that there is a connection between the legal drinking age and small weights at birth and prematurity of babies at birth (23).”

This lets the reader know that you are using an outside source, and shows that your ideas are well-researched. Well done!

*1 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:   

Your thesis statement doesn’t give me a clear idea of what your paper addresses. In a compare and contrast essay, the thesis make it clear if you will compare, contrast, or both in your essay. Your thesis is:

“This history and the different discussions have always led to the query of if 21 is the ideal age or should the age be increased or decreased.”

Will you compare, contrast, or both to answer your question? Is there discussion about raising it from 21 to something higher?

Before revising your thesis statement, ask your instructor if you should be choosing a side, if you should tell why this topic is relevant in the thesis statement, and if you should list the body paragraphs in the thesis statement. These are all variations of the thesis statement for a compare/contrast essay. Your instructor will be the one who determines if these things are important.

Introduction/Conclusion 
Your conclusion tells what you did, instead of what you said. This can be condescending to your reader, and it doesn’t act as a reminder of your main points.

The conclusion should wrap up your paper, summarize your thoughts, and give your reader a sense of closure. You could make your conclusion better by considering why you write it. When revising, ask yourself these questions:

· What are the main ideas you talked about in the essay?

· Why is it important to remind your reader of your main points?

· How can I use these ideas to give the reader a sense of closure?

*1 has requested that you respond to the Use of Resources:   

More of your references are older than 5 years than less than 5 years old. This can make the reader wonder if your idea is still relevant. Out of 9 reference entries, 5 of them are older than 2012.

One of the determiners of good references is currency. If your sources are not current, it might indicate that the topic is no longer important. Each school has its own guidelines for the currency of research, so it’s best to check with your instructor about this. You may even find this information in your school’s Student Handbook.

A rule of thumb is that less than 10% of your resources are older than 5 years. If you can’t find sources that are less than 5 years old, ask yourself if this topic is worth your research time.

Summary of Next Steps: 

· Revise your thesis statement to tell your reader if you will compare, contrast, or both.
 

· Revise your conclusion to give a sense of closure to your reader, and to remind him of your main points.
 

· Ensure your topic is still relevant, and adjust your references.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, 1. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day!—Sherry M.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Should the Drinking Age be Increased or Decreased?

Alcohol consumption in the world has been a source of numerous debates as it causes merry and harm in equal measures. Drinking has been the source of several social problems from crime increase to fund alcohol, to sexually transmitted diseases and traffic accidents. These social evils have raised much criticisms and activism from both government and non-governmental organizations. These discussions have led to the debate on the acceptable legal drinking age in many countries, especially in the United States. Historically the United States has undergone some changes in the legal drinking ages. Initially, the legal drinking age was 21 years old, until Roosevelt Franklin sought a drop of the alcohol consumption age to 18 years. This was during the Second World War, and the nation lowered the age for people who can join the United States Army. Thus the logic that 18-year-olds were mature enough to fight led to the decrease in the drinking age as it was assumed that they were mature enough to drink. Later in 1984, “President Reagan signed an Act raising the drinking age back to 21 years” (Trex). This history and the different discussions have always led to the query of if 21 is the ideal age or should the age be increased or decreased.

The change of the drinking age from 18 years to 21 years was driven mainly by organizations that were opposed to states having the powers to decide the drinking ages such as the ‘Mothers against Drunk Driving’ organization. [This topic sentence implies that you will discuss MADD organization. However, it doesn’t seem to be mentioned after the topic sentence. Use your topic sentences to introduce your paragraphs.] The groups sighted the increase in accidents that are alcohol related which were mainly caused by drivers in the age bracket of 18-20 years. These Youth would move from their states where they were prohibited to drink and drive to neighboring states where drinking was legal and then return home later driving while drunk. This led to an emergence of drunk driving fatalities and the phenomena was named “blood borders.” On reversing the legislation in 1984 after the alcohol consumption age was increased to twenty one years in all the states in America, it was found out that more than 900 lives were saved a year from accident fatalities and a record decrease in alcohol deaths 62% among teenage drivers (Trex).

Tietjen, argues that even with the drinking age in place four in five students in college consume alcohol and 90% of these students take alcohol through binge drinking. [To make it clear whether this paragraph is in support of lowering the drinking age, or keeping it the same, use a transition to show how it relates to the previous paragraph. If it reinforces the previous paragraph, you might start with something like, “Furthermore, …” If this paragraph refutes it, you might start with something like, “On the other hand…”] Cognitive development of the mind advances to a great extent during the teenage years. During these teenage years, the mind goes through a phase of specializing and restructuring. This phase allows the refining of connections of the subcortical and frontal regions of the brain and neural connections that are unnecessary are eliminated. Alcohol intake before the full development of the brain and especially binge alcohol consumption may result in cognitive development hindrance and the brain getting permanently damaged (Curie, 27). Prefrontal cortex undergoes rapid development in the period when an individual is a teenager. The prefrontal cortex is the brain’s region which deals with decision making and judgment. Therefore, judgment lapses are more likely to occur among the teenagers. Combining this with alcohol consumption will most probably result in questionable decisions being made and the risk of alcoholism is higher during the teen years (Tietjen).

According to Curie, drinking caused the demise of 2,569 people aged between 26-20 (26). These demises were as a result of falls, drowning’s and poisonings. Studies have also shown that more than 33% of the homicides among youth below 21 years were related to alcohol consumption. 8% of suicides by males and 12% of suicides by females below 21 years are also alcohol-related. Also, 90% of rape cases among college students occur when the accoster, both or the victim are under the influence of alcohol. 95% of brutal crimes in universities involve perpetrators who are under alcohol influence. “The social costs of underage drinking are conservatively estimated at $53 billion, including $19 billion from traffic crashes and $29 billion from violent crime” (Curie, 27). This shows that the social burden brought about by teenagers consuming alcohol is immense both concerning finances and emotional trauma. The economic, individual and social consequences of teenage alcohol consumption have led to it becoming the number one United States health problem (Curie, 28).

Bier, in his work, argues that by making alcohol illegal to those below the age of 21 years, we only manage to push alcohol consumption by the underage youth underground (30). This thus means that we force the underage youth to take alcohol in environments that are uncontrolled and thus making binge drinking more frequent in the process. The illegal environment in which the teenagers consume alcohol causes them to create fallacies about alcohol intake behaviors as they are inexperienced and new to the act of alcohol consumption (Bier 30). From the year 1984 when the drinking age was raised to 21 years, binge drinking has risen dramatically among the teenagers (Nugent). This is primarily because youth over 18 years old are allowed to marry, drive and serve in the army but not to drink. Therefore, the young people in contempt of the law choose to drink, and since they can’t do it in an environment where there is supervision, they result to use of alcohol containing high-octane and in large amounts (Nugent). Therefore, by increasing the drinking age, alcohol consumption has bot become less dangerous but rather more hazardous.

Miron disputes the notion that the implementation of the 21-year drinking age limit resulted in the reduction in accident fatalities (16). The decline in accident fatalities is not in question but what is questionable rather is the causative agent of the reduction. The decline in accidents began in 1969, the same year when passenger cars got improvements in crash protection and accident avoidance features. Further reduction in accidents was caused by the safety standards introduced by the federal government. These standards “which allowed for improvements in over three dozen safety measures not previously found in automobiles” (Miron, 16). Vance also argues that if the raising of drinking age to 21 years resulted in a reduction of traffic accidents by those aged between 18-20 years, then the same line of thought can be applied to raising the drinking age to 25 years or any other age or by just prohibiting alcohol use in general.

Watson & Angela carried out a study on the effect of minimum drinking age on birth outcomes and found out that there is a connection between the legal drinking age and small weights at birth and prematurity of babies at birth (23). Lowering the drinking age is linked to sexual initiation, alcohol intake during the pregnancy period and lack of paternity information. Therefore, accidental pregnancies among teenagers result from lower drinking ages which in turn causes adverse health for new-borns. This means that lowering the legal drinking age would be putting the health of the future generations in jeopardy and those in particular from the African American community. Alcohol intake among the youth results in a 4.7% increase in the probability of pregnancy among the youth (Cintina 54).

Some states in India have recently raised the MLDA for hard liquor from 21 years to 25 years. Historically alcohol in India has been highly regulated as it is not used in the region until India was colonized by the Britons (Luca 31). The states that raised the MLDA’s sighted the need to protect the youth as one of the reasons for this legislation. According to Luca’s study on the contribution of alcohol intake towards violence against women, he finds out that there is a connection between alcohol intake and violence towards women by their spouses (31). Luca observes that restricting access to alcoholic drinks lessens the probability of a partner consuming alcohol as well as being violent to his partner. On the other hand, making alcohol easily accessible means that victimization chances rise. “Thus, by adopting a higher legal drinking age in India states has some positive outcomes” (Luca 32).

A country like Canada has its MLDA set at 19 years in most parts, but in some parts, it remains at 18 years. A study was done by the ‘Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse’ on the mortality rate of youths before they attained the MLDA and after they attained it. It was found out that youth mortality rate increased once they attained the MLDA. In fact, the research suggests that raising the MLDA’s in the few regions that have set them at 18 years would result in saving of seven 18-year males in Canada in a year. This shows that Canada has relatively similar conditions and responses to raising their MLDA as the United States. From the example of India and Canada, it can be seen that youth in many parts of the universe react in the same manner to lowering or raising the MLDA.

This paper has shown both the reasons for raising and reasons for dropping the MLDA in America and other countries as well. [Unless it’s important to your essay that this involves multiple countries, consider leaving it out. It almost seems like you’re acknowledging that you got sidetracked.] The arguments are well laid out, and enough logic is given for the different school of thoughts. This essay has been able to illuminate on how increasing the legal drinking age reduced crime levels, unwanted pregnancies, accidents and psychological conditions. It has also shown clearly that some of these assumed positive effects might not entirely be true as there were other contributors to their achievement and thus raising the MLDA ca not entirely be credited for the outcomes. However, to clearly solve the issue of the suitable MLDA, quantitative researches should be carried out on the benefits and disadvantages of the different ages and the contribution of the various cultures to the alcohol consumption problem.

Work Cited

Bier, Alea. Evaluating The Effectiveness Of The Uniform Drinking Age Act. 1st ed., 2011, https://studylib.net/doc/8836708/does-the-drinking-age-of-21-really-benefit.

Cintina, Inna. “Essays on the Link Between Alcohol Consumption and Youth Fertility.” (2011).

Curie, Charles. A COMPREHENSIVE PLAN FOR PREVENTING AND REDUCING UNDERAGE DRINKING. U.S. Department Of Health And Human Services, 2006, pp. 20-168, http://www.stopalcoholabuse.gov/media/pdf/underagerpttocongress .

Luca, Dara Lee, Emily Owens, and Gunjan Sharma. Alcohol Consumption and Violence Against Women. Working Paper, 2014.

Miron, Jeffrey A., and Elina Tetelbaum. “Does the minimum legal drinking age save lives?.” Economic Inquiry 47.2 (2009): 317-336.

Nugent, Georgia. “Raising The Drinking Age To 21 Has Been A Disastrous 30-Year Experiment – Nytimes.Com”. Nytimes.Com, 2015, https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2015/02/10/you-must-be-21-to-drink/raising-the-drinking-age-to-21-has-been-a-disasterous-30-year-experiment.

Tietjen, Denali. “Why 21? A Look At Our Nation’S Drinking Age”. Boston.Com, 2014, https://www.boston.com/culture/health/2014/07/17/why-21-a-look-at-our-nations-drinking-age.

Trex, Ethan. “Why Is The Drinking Age 21?”. Mentalfloss.Com, 2008, http://mentalfloss.com/article/19437/why-drinking-age-21.

Vance, Laurence. “Why Is The Drinking Age 21? – The Future Of Freedom Foundation”. The Future Of Freedom Foundation, 2013, http://www.fff.org/explore-freedom/article/why-is-the-drinking-age-21/.

Watson, Tara, and Angela Fertig. Minimum Drinking Age Laws and Infant Health Outcomes. No. w14118. National Bureau of Economic Research, 2008.

1

*WritingStrength: 
The sources you use are published within ten years, ensuring updated information regarding the issue of the MLDA and contributing to a credible discussion in showing the opposing views. Good work!

Main Idea/Thesis 
An announcement is a very weak way to determine your comparative analysis on what the opposing views are regarding the legal drinking age:

This history and the different discussions have always brought a conflict of the ideal drinking ages, and thus in this essay, we compare the varying MLDA’s and their perceived benefits and criticisms.

It bears no strong impact in knowing the different arguments for and against what the ideal drinking age is. A thesis statement will typically be assertive and comprehensive in presenting the similarities and differences between two subjects to understand differing views. Look at this example:

Anabolic steroids use in the bodybuilding industry have been touted as dangerous for the health and unfair for those wanting to compete naturally, [opposing position] but others argue that its use is now the norm and can be beneficial when used responsibly. [supporting position] Whether one supports or is against the use of anabolic steroids will typically depend on how one is informed, [comparative point] one’s principles, [comparative point] and the long-term goal as a bodybuilder. [comparative point]

This is an effective thesis statement that shows what the two sides in an issue is and what may be the comparison points from which to determine the views. It provides a strong guide to the discussion and how it will be structured. You can use my example as a guide to revise yours, but you can also use this link for pointers:

Writing a Compare and Contrast Essay

.

* Organization:   

Your discussion is not properly structured and lacks a smooth flow because many body paragraphs do not have topic sentences. In a compare and contrast essay, the topic sentences will typically reflect the major comparison (similarities and/or differences) points. In your specific case, the major arguments for and against MLDA will be shown. However, as an example, look at how you begin one of your paragraphs:

According to Highson, drinking caused the demise of 2,569 people aged between 26-20.

You’re referring to an outside source here, but it’s considered a supporting detail. It’s not showing what the overall argument is. Let’s have some more examples based on my topic:

Opposing anabolic steroid use: Furthermore, some bodybuilders want to gain/sculpt muscle but are willing to go through a longer, dedicated process; thus, anabolic steroids are not part of their ideals.

Supporting anabolic steroid use: On the other hand, other bodybuilders believe that the bigger the muscles are, the higher the likelihood to win competitions and gain fame, so they include steroids in their training regimen.

Look at the examples well. Both topic sentences refer to my second comparative point (one’s principles) and reflect the two opposing views that relate to that comparative point. Thus, they’re strong starting points to develop my paragraphs. Whatever sources or evidence I’ll show will follow after these topic sentences. Make your topic sentences based on the major arguments now.

* the Grammar & Mechanics:   

You do not apply the serial or Oxford comma like what’s missing in this sentence:

Lowering the drinking age is linked to sexual initiation, alcohol intake during the pregnancy period and lack of paternity information.

This type of comma is included whenever three or more items are identified in a sentence and is placed after the item that is shown before the conjunction “and” or “or.” Look at this example:

I love my parents, Lady Gaga and Humpty Dumpty.

This can be misinterpreted that my parents are Lady Gaga and Humpty Dumpty. It’s a funny thought, but the misunderstanding is already there. Look at this one:

I love my parents, Lady Gaga, and Humpty Dumpty.

Now, this is clear in stating that there are three things in the sentence. Going back to your sentence, how many listed items are there? Where can another comma be placed? I see other minor comma concerns, here’s a final link to guide you:

Commas

.

Summary of Next Steps: 

· Create a proper compare and contrast thesis statement. 

· Reflect the opposing views’ major arguments in topic sentences.

· Apply serial commas in sentences that have three or more listed items.

Thank you for submitting again. Good luck! – Anna B.

_______________________________________________

Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Should the Drinking Age be Increased or Decreased?

Alcohol consumption in the world has been a source of numerous debates as it causes merry and harm in equal measures. Drinking has been the source of several social problems from crime increase to fund alcohol, to sexually transmitted diseases and traffic accidents. These social evils have raised much criticisms and activism from both government and non-governmental organizations. These discussions have led to the debate on the acceptable legal drinking age in many countries, especially in the United States. Historically the United States has undergone some changes in the legal drinking ages. Initially, the legal drinking age was 21 years old, until Roosevelt Franklin sought a drop of the alcohol consumption age to 18 years. This was during the Second World War, and the nation lowered the age for people who can join the United States Army. Thus the logic that 18-year-olds were mature enough to fight led to the decrease in the drinking age as it was assumed that they were mature enough to drink. Later in 1984, “President Reagan signed an Act raising the drinking age back to 21 years” (Vance). This history and the different discussions have always brought a conflict of the ideal drinking ages, and thus in this essay, we compare the varying MLDA’s and their perceived benefits and criticisms.

The change of the drinking age from 18 years to 21 years was driven mainly by organizations that were opposed to states having the powers to decide the drinking ages such as the ‘Mothers against Drunk Driving’ organization. These groups were of the opinion that the MLDA should be similar all over the United States and not differing from one state to another. They lobbied for a uniform MLDA until legislation was passed in 1984 requiring all states to adopt the 21 MLDA.

The groups sighted the increase in accidents that are alcohol related which were mainly caused by drivers in the age bracket of 18-20 years. These Youth would move from their states where they were prohibited to drink and drive to neighboring states where drinking was legal and then return home later driving while drunk. This led to an emergence of drunk driving fatalities and the phenomena was named “blood borders.” On reversing the legislation in 1984 after the alcohol consumption age was increased to twenty-one years in all the states in America, it was found out that more than 900 lives were saved a year from accident fatalities and a record decrease in alcohol deaths 62% among teenage drivers (Vance). [This is a comma splice, which happens when a comma is placed in between two independent clauses or complete sentences. Either a period or a semi-colon will properly close the first sentence. Which are the complete sentences here? Where should you place the chosen punctuation mark? Correct other splices in the draft.]

Furthermore, Tietjen, argues that even with the drinking age in place four in five students in college consume alcohol and 90% of these students take alcohol through binge drinking. Cognitive development of the mind advances to a great extent during the teenage years. During these teenage years, the mind goes through a phase of specializing and restructuring. This phase allows the refining of connections of the subcortical and frontal regions of the brain and neural connections that are unnecessary are eliminated. Alcohol intake before the full development of the brain and especially binge alcohol consumption may result in cognitive development hindrance and the brain getting permanently damaged (Curie, 27)［this source is from 2006. And it’s deleted from your work cited］. Prefrontal cortex undergoes rapid development in the period when an individual is a teenager. The prefrontal cortex is the brain’s region which deals with decision making and judgment. Therefore, judgment lapses are more likely to occur among the teenagers. Combining this with alcohol consumption will most probably result in questionable decisions being made and the risk of alcoholism is higher during the teen years (Tietjen).

According to Highson, drinking caused the demise of 2,569 people aged between 26-20. These demises were as a result of falls, drowning’s and poisonings. Studies have also shown that more than 33% of the homicides among youth below 21 years were related to alcohol consumption. 8% of suicides by males and 12% of suicides by females below 21 years are also alcohol-related. Also, 90% of rape cases among college students occur when the accoster, both or the victim are under the influence of alcohol. 95% of brutal crimes in universities involve perpetrators who are under alcohol influence. “The social costs of underage drinking are conservatively estimated at $53 billion, including $19 billion from traffic crashes and $29 billion from violent crime” (Highson). This shows that the social burden brought about by teenagers consuming alcohol is immense both concerning finances and emotional trauma. The economic, individual and social consequences of teenage alcohol consumption have led to it becoming the number one United States health problem (Highson). [Another component of a focused, cohesive body paragraph is to have a closing sentence. It acts as a mini conclusion to reflect the major point again and provides a transitional element to the next paragraph. Consider this question in making your closing sentences, What is the paragraph’s overall argument for or against the changing of the MLDA?]

Bier, in his work, argues that by making alcohol illegal to those below the age of 21 years, we only manage to push alcohol consumption by the underage youth underground (30). This thus means that we force the underage youth to take alcohol in environments that are uncontrolled and thus making binge drinking more frequent in the process. The illegal environment in which the teenagers consume alcohol causes them to create fallacies about alcohol intake behaviors as they are inexperienced and new to the act of alcohol consumption (Bier 30). From the year 1984 when the drinking age was raised to 21 years, binge drinking has risen dramatically among the teenagers (Nugent). This is primarily because youth over 18 years old are allowed to marry, drive and serve in the army but not to drink. Therefore, the young people in contempt of the law choose to drink, and since they can’t do it in an environment where there is supervision, they result to use of alcohol containing high-octane and in large amounts (Nugent). Therefore, by increasing the drinking age, alcohol consumption has bot become less dangerous but rather more hazardous.

Engs disputes the notion that the implementation of the 21-year drinking age limit resulted in the reduction in accident fatalities. The decline in accident fatalities is not in question but what is questionable rather is the causative agent of the reduction. The decline in accidents began in 1969, the same year when passenger cars got improvements in crash protection and accident avoidance features. Further reduction in accidents was caused by the safety standards introduced by the federal government. These standards “which allowed for improvements in over three dozen safety measures not previously found in automobiles” (Engs). Vance also argues that if the raising of drinking age to 21 years resulted in a reduction of traffic accidents by those aged between 18-20 years, then the same line of thought can be applied to raising the drinking age to 25 years or any other age or by just prohibiting alcohol use in general.

Barreca & Page carried out a study on the effect of minimum drinking age on birth outcomes and found out that there is a connection between the legal drinking age and small weights at birth and prematurity of babies at birth (12). Lowering the drinking age is linked to sexual initiation, alcohol intake during the pregnancy period and lack of paternity information. Therefore, accidental pregnancies among teenagers result from lower drinking ages which in turn causes adverse health for new-borns. This means that lowering the legal drinking age would be putting the health of the future generations in jeopardy and those in particular from the African American community. Alcohol intake among the youth results in a 4.7% increase in the probability of pregnancy among the youth (Cintina 54).

Some states in India have recently raised the MLDA for hard liquor from 21 years to 25 years. Historically alcohol in India has been highly regulated as it is not used in the region until India was colonized by the Britons (Luca 31). The states that raised the MLDA’s sighted the need to protect the youth as one of the reasons for this legislation. According to Luca’s study on the contribution of alcohol intake towards violence against women, he finds out that there is a connection between alcohol intake and violence towards women by their spouses (31). Luca observes that restricting access to alcoholic drinks lessens the probability of a partner consuming alcohol as well as being violent to his partner. On the other hand, making alcohol easily accessible means that victimization chances rise. “Thus, by adopting a higher legal drinking age in India states has some positive outcomes” (Luca 32).

A country like Canada has its MLDA set at 19 years in most parts, but in some parts, it remains at 18 years. A study was done by the ‘Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse’ on the mortality rate of youths before they attained the MLDA and after they attained it. It was found out that youth mortality rate increased once they attained the MLDA. In fact, the research suggests that raising the MLDA’s in the few regions that have set them at 18 years would result in saving of seven 18-year males in Canada in a year. This shows that Canada has relatively similar conditions and responses to raising their MLDA as the United States. From the example of India and Canada, it can be seen that youth in many parts of the universe react in the same manner to lowering or raising the MLDA.

This paper has shown both the reasons for raising and reasons for dropping the MLDA in America. This essay has been able to illuminate on how increasing the legal drinking age reduced crime levels, unwanted pregnancies, accidents and psychological conditions. It has also shown clearly that some of these assumed positive effects might not entirely be true as there were other contributors to their achievement and thus raising the MLDA ca not entirely be credited for the outcomes. The paper has pointed out the brain development process and how reliable researches have shown that teenagers being allowed to consume alcohol increase their risk of getting addicted and their cognitive abilities being hindered. Therefore, this essay has compared and contrasted the various arguments in support of the various drinking ages in a bid to illuminate on the discussion of the ideal drinking age. [Your conclusion is weak and does not properly end the essay because it’s just another announcement. A conclusion summarizes and synthesizes the major arguments for and against the lowering of the MLDA. Instead of saying what the essay showed, go straight to the point: What are the major reasons for increasing the MLDA? What are the major reasons for maintaining the current MLDA? How do these arguments illustrate the issue of the ideal drinking age? Revise the conclusion with these questions.]

Work Cited

Barreca, Alan, and E. Page. “A pint for a pound? Reevaluating the relationship between minimum drinking age laws and birth outcomes.” Unpublished Working Paper (2012).

Bier, Alea. Evaluating The Effectiveness Of The Uniform Drinking Age Act. 1st ed., 2013, https://studylib.net/doc/8836708/does-the-drinking-age-of-21-really-benefit.

Cintina, Inna. “Essays on the Link Between Alcohol Consumption and Youth Fertility.” (2011).

Engs, Ruth C. “Why Drinking Age Should Be Lowered: Dr. Ruth Engs”. Indiana.edu. N.p., 2014. Web. 1 May 2017.

Hingson, Ralph, and Aaron White. “New research findings since the 2007 Surgeon General’s Call to Action to Prevent and Reduce Underage Drinking: A review.” Journal of studies on alcohol and drugs 75.1 (2014): 158-169.

Luca, Dara Lee, Emily Owens, and Gunjan Sharma. Alcohol Consumption and Violence Against Women. Working Paper, 2014.

Nugent, Georgia. “Raising The Drinking Age To 21 Has Been A Disastrous 30-Year Experiment – Nytimes.Com”. Nytimes.Com, 2015, https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2015/02/10/you-must-be-21-to-drink/raising-the-drinking-age-to-21-has-been-a-disasterous-30-year-experiment.

Tietjen, Denali. “Why 21? A Look At Our Nation’S Drinking Age”. Boston.Com, 2014, https://www.boston.com/culture/health/2014/07/17/why-21-a-look-at-our-nations-drinking-age.

Vance, Laurence. “Why Is The Drinking Age 21? – The Future Of Freedom Foundation”. The Future Of Freedom Foundation, 2013, http://www.fff.org/explore-freedom/article/why-is-the-drinking-age-21/.

1. Read the first paragraph. Stop. Does the introduction draw you in? Are you interested in the topic? Is there a clear thesis statement stating the writer’s position on the topic? Do you know what the writer wants to do? Write the thesis statement down if possible; note if you can’t find it or are confused about it.

2. Look at the paper paragraph by paragraph. Does the writer stick to one point per paragraph? Make a list of the paragraphs in the paper and write down the main point of each one (include the list in the letter). Indicate to the writer where this is difficult because the point of the paragraph is unclear or because several points are mixed together in a paragraph. Is each paragraph a cohesive whole? Are transitions between paragraphs clear?

3. Does the writer try to get the reader interested in the topic? If so, how and where? Are you ever confused or put-off? Does the writer exercise appropriate word choice for an academic paper? Are there interesting examples?

4. Read through the paper again with a pen or pencil in your hand, circling grammatical errors, typos, etc. (Don’t correct, just mark errors). Double check to see if sources are cited properly in the paper (in parentheses) and on the works cited page. Mark places that you find wordy, awkward, or unclear. Also, mark places you find especially clear and cogent.

5. Does the writer sound credible? Does the paper make clear that the writer understands the background (history) of this issue? Does the writer understand opposing viewpoints and present them fairly? When the writer uses sources to improve his or her ethos, are they used well and correctly documented? Name specific places where the ethos is good or needs help.

6. Reread the conclusion. Does it sum up the paper? Does it give you something to think about?

7. Give the writer your final comments. Tell the writer the top three things you think should be done to improve for the next draft. Tell the writer what you think the paper’s current strengths are.

Freeman1

Brandon Freeman

Professor Lee

English 101

25 February 2017

Problems with Assisted Reproductive Technology and the Definition of the Family

It is not unusual for people to think of a family in its basic form as a mother and a

father and the child or children they conceive together. But a genetic connection

between parents and children is not necessary for a family to exist. New families are

often created by remarriage after a divorce or the death of a spouse, so that only one

parent is genetically related to the child or children. Also, the practice of adoption is

long-standing and creates families where neither parent is genetically related to the

child or children. There are many single-parent families in the United States, and some

of these may be families where the parents live together but are not married (Coontz

147). Couples that consist of two men or two women are also increasingly common, and

more of these couples now also have or want children (Buchanan). Although there is no

universal definition of the family, in recent years scholars have established that the

“normative” definition in most societies is “at least one parent and one child.” This

definition goes on to say that a child does not have to be genetically related to the

parent, and “children conceived through artificial insemination or a surrogate mother”

count (Munro and Munro 553). Though we may accept the idea that the definition of the

“normative” family is a broad one and that no biological relationship is needed for a

parent and child to form a family, for many people genetic heritage remains an

important factor in describing who they are and how they relate to other members of

their family. This thinking, which persists despite the broad variety of families that now

Freeman 2

exist, provokes particular conflicts for members of families that are created with the new

methods of assisted reproductive technology, methods that are new in human history,

having developed only over the past few decades.

Assisted reproductive technology (including artificial insemination and in vitro

fertilization) is often used when one member of a male-female couple is infertile; the

resulting child is usually related to at least one member of the couple.1 This technology

is also used to allow male-male and female-female couples to have children. In 2005,

52,041 children were born in the United States through assisted reproductive

technology, an increase of more than a hundred percent from 1996 (United States 61). It

can be argued that the new families formed through artificial reproductive technology

“tend to be stronger and more highly functioning than naturally conceived ones, because

the parents are so motivated to have children, and so gratified once they arrive” (Mundy

1
This paper uses the term assisted reproductive technology for both artificial

insemination, where eggs are fertilized in a woman’s body, and technologies like in vitro

fertilization, in which an egg is fertilized outside the body. In artificial insemination, a

woman can be impregnated with her husband’s or another man’s sperm by having a

doctor collect semen and place it into the vagina (Shanley 261). A woman can become a

surrogate for a couple by being artificially inseminated with the husband’s sperm. In in

vitro fertilization, eggs are taken from a donor and fertilized by sperm outside the

woman’s body; the fertilized egg is then placed in a woman’s uterus. In gamete

interfallopian transfer, unfertilized eggs and sperm are put into a woman’s fallopian

tubes. In zygote intrafallopian transfer, eggs are fertilized outside the body and then

placed into a woman’s fallopian tubes (United States 3).

Freeman 3

99). If the parents involved tell their children how they were conceived and if the sperm

donors, egg donors, or surrogate mothers are not kept anonymous, then the children

resulting from artificial reproductive technology can have more than two “parents” or

parental figures in their lives, possibly enriching their emotional environment. Artificial

reproductive technology can give infertile women the chance to have a biological

mother’s relationship with a child, since the technology allows them to bear a child, give

birth, and bond with the child through breastfeeding. The possibilities given by artificial

reproductive technology thus seem to support the idea that love and care from parents

(“nurture”) outweigh the importance of genetics (“nature”) in forming strong families.

But though this may be the case, the fact that many couples decide on artificial

reproductive technology rather than on adoption means that the origin of these new

families lies in the enduring importance of genetics in people’s ideas of what a family

should be.

As Mary Lyndon Shanley points out, genetic relationship in families creates a

sense of “genetic continuity through the generations” and is vitally important to many

people’s identity, which is why people want to know who their biological parents are:

“The right to learn the identity of one’s genetic forebear stems from some people’s desire

to be able to connect themselves to human history concretely as embodied beings, not

only abstractly as rational beings or as members of large social (national, ethnic,

religious) groups” (268). We seem almost unable to see a child with his or her parents

without looking for a resemblance between them; a lack of resemblance between parents

and children can be a source of stigma (Mundy 194-95). Like adopted children, the

children who result from the new reproductive technologies can be left with “genetic

bewilderment” as they wonder who their biological father or mother is (and why they

Freeman 4

are genetically related to only one of their parents) and how many siblings they might

have (103). Lobbying by the children of sperm donors has resulted in changes in the law

in New Zealand and the United Kingdom: sperm donors can no longer be anonymous

and can be contacted by their biological children when they reach the age of eighteen

(Wente). A Web site, The Donor Sibling Registry, has been established “to assist

individuals conceived as a result of sperm, egg or embryo donation that are seeking to

make mutually desired contact with others with whom they share genetic ties” (“Our

History”). The existence of this Web site, along with the common emotional need for

children to know who their biological parents are, suggests that genetic heritage is

important to many individuals conceived through assisted reproductive technology.

Assisted reproductive technology has also led to unexpected and disturbing

events that show how the technology, which was meant to bring a genetically connected

family into being, ends up creating something quite different. In one case, a British

woman who became sterile as a result of cancer treatment but who had already had

some of her eggs fertilized with her partner’s sperm through in vitro fertilization was

denied the right (by the European Human Rights Court) to use those embryos, because

her partner did not want them brought to term. Unable to bear a child without these

embryos, the woman was forced by a court to allow the embryos to be destroyed and

give up all chance of ever having a child that was genetically related to her (Rozenberg).

In another case, the parents of a man who was about to die but was being kept alive

artificially asked a doctor to obtain sperm from him so that they could use it in in vitro

fertilization and thus gain a grandchild (Marcotty and Yee). It is possible that the child

born from this process will feel sadness or confusion if he or she finds out that his or her

father did not even intend to have a child and was near death in a hospital when his

Freeman 5

sperm was taken from him without his permission.

Assisted reproductive technology can also mix up the usual progress of the

generations, thereby taking apart the family structure that it was meant to promote.

Through assisted reproductive technology, women have given birth to their own

grandchildren by being implanted with their own daughters’ eggs (“Woman”). In

Canada a mother has frozen some of her own eggs so that her daughter, who will

become sterile at the onset of puberty because of a rare disease, will be able to have

genetically related children through in vitro fertilization. This means that the daughter

will be able to give birth to a child that is her sibling; that child will be the birth child of

his or her “mother” and the biological child of his or her “grandmother” (“Mother’s

Eggs”). The urge to create genetic offspring in these cases has led to confusing and

disturbing relations that distort the family structures we are most familiar with.

The common use of assisted reproductive technology today means that many

future families will have children whose relationship to their parents will be clouded by

the technology used to bring them into the world. Kay S. Hymowitz, a commentator who

calls for an end to anonymous sperm donation, writes that there is a great deal of irony

in the way these technologies are used to produce children without “fathers” at a time

when society bewails the increase in fatherless families—a problem she sees in terms of

desertion by fathers. Artificial reproductive technology is thus used to produce families,

but it can also turn the biological father into a genetic instrument who is not required or

expected to help raise the child. Hymowitz writes:

More ordinary “choice mothers,” as many single women using AI [artificial

insemination] now call themselves, are usually not openly hostile to fathers, but

they boast a language of female empowerment that implicitly trivializes men’s

Freeman 6

roles in children’s lives. The term “choice mothers” frames AI as a matter of

women’s reproductive rights. Only the woman’s decision making—or intention—

carries moral weight.

This reduction of a biological parent into a mere instrument occurs with

surrogate mothers as well. A series of dramatic lawsuits starting in the 1980s

demonstrated the dangers of treating a woman as primarily a womb. In the case of

“Baby M” in 1988, Mary Beth Whitehead was artificially inseminated with the sperm of

William Stern. A contract between Whitehead and Stern said that the child must be

given up to Stern and his wife at birth. Though the court involved ended up giving Stern

parental rights, it found that the contract was against “public policy” (“Developments”

2069-71). Beyond the legal complexities, however, what the case dramatizes is that a

surrogate mother can bond with the child in her womb to such a degree that she may not

want to give him or her up. This bonding may occur even when the baby is the result of

assisted reproductive technology where the surrogate mother’s egg is not the one used.

A judge may have to decide whether the birth mother (the surrogate) or the genetic

mother whose egg was fertilized in vitro and implanted in the surrogate mother is the

legal mother of a child produced by assisted reproductive technology (2071-72).

Assisted reproductive technology has many unintended consequences. Despite

the fact that the ability to produce children that are genetically related to at least one

parent might seem to make the technology a source of family stability, it sometimes can

create dissension, emotional pain, and legal quandaries. Liza Mundy points out that the

technology has produced family arrangements where genetic connection is “often both

affirmed and denied, . . . simultaneously embraced and rejected” (99). Indeed, the great

lengths people will go to in order to establish a genetic connection between themselves

Freeman 7

and their children—bypassing the possibilities provided by adoption—show that genetic

connection between parents and children remains an ideal for many people, even if it is

not necessary for a family to be “normative.” If a genetic connection between parent and

child, then, remains the ideal that drives the use of assisted reproductive technology, it

is proving to be a questionable ideal. When pursued at all costs by means of this

technology, the biological bond between parents and children can become a negative

force, producing detrimental results that actually work against the very values of love,

trust, and stability that the family is supposed to cultivate.

Freeman 8

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