The paper is more developed and interesting as a result. You’ve begun the process of integrating ideas from Nathaniel Rich’s article, which appears to be useful, so these are good signs going forward.
Still, there are changes you can make to where and how you announce your thesis to the reader and to things affecting the coherence in the paper. See the comments on the paper for more on what I mean by this.
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Work on MLA style is needed, as I note, and in the early goings of this draft, I point out some of the editing work that is needed going forward. In the end, the essay is improving with each draft, so keep up the effort.
Technological Perspective based
on the Luddites
by Wisline Fontilus
Submission date: 22-Jan-2021 08:50AM (UTC-0500)
Submission ID: 1
4
92157796
File name: English
12
draft2 x (18.42K)
Word count: 96
8
Character count: 5533
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FINAL GRADE
5/5
Technological Perspective based on the Luddites
GRADEMARK REPORT
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor
Hi Wisline. The paper is more developed and
interesting as a result. You’ve begun the process of
integrating ideas from Nathaniel Rich’s article, which
appears to be useful, so these are good signs going
forward.
Still, there are changes you can make to where and
how you announce your thesis to the reader and to
things affecting the coherence in the paper. See the
comments on the paper for more on what I mean by
this.
Work on MLA style is needed, as I note, and in the
early goings of this draft, I point out some of the editing
work that is needed going forward. In the end, the
essay is improving with each draft, so keep up the
effort.
PAGE 1
Comment 1
…sectors, creating…
Comment 2
According to the “neo-Luddites,” right? Make it clear. Also, if you disagree with their ideas, make it
clear here with a thesis statement. Or, you could start the next paragraph with your claim as a way to
transition to the evidence in “Interview with the Luddite” to support it. Otherwise, the introduction is
okay.
Comment 3
After you give their full names, you can reduce the references to their last names only: “Kelly
interviews Sale…”
Comment 4
Some words should be changed so that the summary is more in your own words. There are some
words and stretches of words that are taken from the text but they are not in quotation marks but
would need to be unless you change how you say it. For example:
“…distention between rich and poor…”
PAGE 2
Comment 5
Computers, being one …technology, have contributed…
It might help to look up comma usage rules on the Purdue OWL website going forward.
Comment 6
Subject-Verb agreement:
has should be have
Computers, …, have
Comment 7
This is a difficult sentence to untangle.
Comment 8
They used to do this, in the 19th century, but Sale’s actions were more symbolic than a sign of
widespread attacks on machines. Sale says that the movement when he is being interviewed is
largely intellectual today.
Comment 9
You need to introduce the source and give the author’s full name, just as you did with “Interview with
the Luddite.” The (1) is not MLA style and can distract the reader.
Comment 10
Here, again, you are using the author’s words without giving him proper credit. You need to put
quotation marks to show that they are words taken from the text verbatim in addition to mentioning
his name.
Comment 11
Here is where you want to quote exactly what he says in the text. Give concrete evidence in addition
to paraphrases of the text.
Comment 12
Perhaps, then, I am wrong about your thesis. Here you seem to indicate strong agreement with Sale,
but you might instead be pointing out more of what he says will come in 2020 in the interview. To
make it clear to the reader how you want them to understand this, change the topic sentence a bit.
Also, you gave this list in the summary part earlier, so do you need to repeat it like this here? Bring it
up again, sure, but what is the point of this paragraph exactly?
PAGE 3
Comment 13
You need a signal phrase for all quotes. See the “Basic MLA” handout for examples of what I mean
and see the Purdue OWL website as well. In a signal phrase for a quotation, you typically indicate
who the speaker is.
Also, how does what you quote from Rich’s article follow what you say just before it about the
“Coronavirus pandemic”? Explanation seems needed before you move to the next thing Sale says.
Comment 14
Okay, so here you move back to what I think is your thesis for the entire essay. Going forward, make
this clear earlier still. And, as the comments suggest, while what you have added seems useful, work
on the coherence of the essay by improving the transitions from one paragraph to the next and how
you integrate ideas from the texts you use.
Comment 15
Here I suggest you quote Sale and Kelly directly in addition to explaining how they differ. I notice you
only give quotations from the shorter Rich text in the essay. The same exact engagement is still
needed with “Interview with the Luddite,” which is the primary source in the essay. At times, I’ve
noted where you are using words from the text embedded in with yours, but changes are needed.
Comment 16
A signal phrase is needed to integrate this into the essay effectively. It seems useful.
Comment 17
I still think it might help to follow this with a discussion of your own experience during this time that
supports this before you wrap things up with the conclusion. How has technology provided a
“solution” for something for you during a time that is in the realm of what Sale predicted?
PAGE 4
PAGE 5
Technological Perspective based on the Luddites
by Wisline Fontilus
Technological Perspective based on the Luddites
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor
