Descriptive Paragraph Instructions

You are required to submit the FINAL copy of this assignment, but you may first submit an optional DRAFT. This will allow you to receive qualitative feedback that can inform your revision. You should always avoid focusing solely on the grader’s DRAFT feedback; use the feedback as a supplement to the course lessons and your own revision ideas. Always expect to revise beyond what the DRAFT grader specifically notes.

Outdoor Experience Description – Detail a real or imaginary experience walking through an outdoor event or activity, such as a zoo, open-air market, festival, etc.

You only need to develop one paragraph for this assignment, but it should include many sensory details and directional transitions. Start with a topic sentence, which will also serve as the thesis statement, that explains the exhibition you are experiencing as well as mentions how the adventure ignites your senses. In the sentences following, describe your journey. What do you see? Hear? Feel? Smell? Taste? Where are these experiences located (directional transitions)? To the right? Just above? The reader should be able to build the environment around you and take part in the sensory experience you illustrate as he or she reads along, so be as descriptive as necessary, touching upon all five senses within the body paragraph. Finally, complete your paragraph with a concluding sentence that summarizes your outing, and make sure it has a point! In other words, what did you take away from this excursion?

Sample thesis statement: As I walk toward the Brookfield Zoo entrance gate for my first zoo experience, I notice a flurry of lively activity in front of me, so on my way to the gorilla den, I can feel my excitement building, and as I get closer, the sounds and smells strengthen, making the chill of my cold beverage much more apparent; I hope I am ready for this.

Notes

·         You can use either past or present tense verbs to describe your experience in this assignment, but avoid unnecessary tense shifts.

·         In addition to directional transitions, be sure to use standard transitions between sentences where applicable so that your ideas are fluid from start to finish.

Format Requirements:

Header: Include a header in the upper left-hand corner of your writing assignment with the following information:

• Your first and last name 
• Course Title (Composition I) 
• Assignment name (Descriptive Paragraph) 
• Current Date

Page Layout:

Save the file as x  or   format

Length: This assignment should be at least 15 sentences in a single paragraph.  

Underline your thesis statement.

by Doreen Williams

FILE

TIME SUBMITTED 05-FEB-2021 08:29AM (UTC-0500)

SUBMISSION ID 1502295456

WORD COUNT 307

CHARACTER COUNT 1473

DLE_TEMP_TURNITINTOOL_1362562276.PERSONALEXPERIENCE.EDITE
D1.DOCX (16.04K)

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FINAL GRADE

1/1
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GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor
Doreen,

You’ve included a topic sentence that previews the
location, used appropriate narrative transitions to
organize the paragraph, and used logical organization
throughout the paragraph.

Please use more specific directional phrases and
descriptive language as indicated in the comments.
There are also minor language and punctuation errors.

Overall, this is good work.–AST

PAGE 1

*Hi!*
Hi!

I look forward to reading your essay.–AST

Comment 1 | Format
Use plain font instead of bold.

→description thesis/TS
Thesis that references all five senses and identifies the scene included.

Misplaced/Dangling Modifier | Grammar
The noun should be immediately followed or preceded by the phrase that modifies it to avoid
misunderstanding.
See this site for tips: http://www.chompchomp.com/rules/modifierrules.htm

, MIA | Punctuation
missing comma
See this site for tips on spotting them:
https://www.turnitin.com/pd/static/build/handbook_viewer/handbooks/Descriptive/mechanics/Missing%20Comma.html

Awk. | Grammar

http://www.chompchomp.com/rules/modifierrules.htm

https://www.turnitin.com/pd/static/build/handbook_viewer/handbooks/Descriptive/mechanics/Missing Comma.html

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Awkward:
The expression or construction is cumbersome or difficult to read. Consider rewriting.

Tense Shift | Grammar
Tense Shift:
Verb tenses should be consistent throughout your writing in order to make it clear when an action
takes place. You will confuse your readers by switching from one tense to another within the same
sentence or paragraph. When discussing literature or a published source document of some kind,
readers expect you to use the present tense, even though the source you’re writing about may have
been written many years ago. When writing an essay about historical events, however, readers
generally expect that you use the past tense.Tense Shift

descriptive transitions | Transitions

Use narrative transitions to relate the events to each other.

Example: First, we went to see the tigers. After thirty minutes with the big cats, we moved on to the
apes.

Use directional phrases to orient the reader spatially.

Example: We entered the zoo from the north gate. After going through the entrance, we made a hard
left to get our trolley tokens.

Additional Comment Use directional phrases to make the description more concrete.

Good description
Excellent use of concrete description here and throughout.

→apply
The marked errors occur throughout the essay. Only the first instance is marked, so be sure to find
and correct all instances of the error if this is a rough draft.

narr. transition
The transition logically connects one part of the narrative to another.

unnecessary comma(s)
Avoid unnecessary commas.
See http://www.dailywritingtips.com/punctuation-mistakes-1-unnecessary-commas/

descriptive language | Language
Use specific, concrete, sensory details that appeal to all five senses. Avoid using generic or abstract
description.

Abstract/generic description: The smell of love was in the air. I felt moved.

Concrete, sensory description: The sickly, sweet smell of the roses overpowered my senses, and the

Punctuation Mistakes #1: Unnecessary Commas

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hair stood up on my arms when I first saw Pat walk into the room.

Comment 2 | Language
typo

Good conclusion
The conclusion reiterates the thesis and provides closure.

Congrats!
Congratulations! You have a full draft!

RUBRIC: ENG101 V6: DESCRIPTIVE DRAFT

THESIS (30%)

POINTS
(0)

POINTS
(2)

POINTS
(3)

POINTS
(3.50)

POINTS
(4)

POINTS
(5)

TRANSITIONS (30%)

POINTS
(0)
POINTS
(2)
POINTS
(3)
POINTS
(3.50)
POINTS
(4)
POINTS
(5)

LANGUAGE (10%)

4.10 / 5

5 / 5

Thesis, central idea, audience, purpose, digressions

Thesis is neither present nor implied at any point in the submission. None of the senses
are described in the thesis or paragraph. The paper fails to create a cohesive, single-
focused paragraph.

Lacks an identifiable thesis. One or none of the senses are described. Readers cannot
discern the essay’s central idea.

Thesis was attempted but unclear and/or inconsistently addressed. Two or three senses
are described in the paragraph. Central idea either lacking or inconsistently addressed.

Thesis is identifiable, but perhaps too narrow, too broad, or otherwise problematic. Three
or four senses are described throughout. Digression from central idea may occur.

Thesis is established and is consistently addressed throughout most of the paragraph.
Four or five senses are described in the paragraph. Central idea is clear and maintained
in most of the essay.

Thesis is clearly established and maintained throughout the paragraph. All five senses are
described in the essay. Central idea/focus maintained throughout.

3.50 / 5

Directional phrases

In addition to missing directional transitions or general transitional phrases, the sentences
and ideas stray from one to the next, presenting an overall lack of flow and continuity.

Readers cannot envision the experience because of the lack of transitions and/or
directional phrases.

Readers have trouble envisioning some parts of the experience due to below-average use
of transitions and directional phrases.

Readers may have trouble envisioning some parts of the experience due to average-level
use of transitions and directional phrases.

Readers can mostly envision the experience due to use of good transitions and directional
phrases.

Readers can fully envision the experience due to excellent use of transitions and
directional phrases.

4 / 5

Word choice, repetition, redundancy, awkwardness, article misuse, wrong word form (their/there, etc.),
typos/misspellings, vocabulary

POINTS
(0)
POINTS
(2)
POINTS
(3)
POINTS
(3.50)
POINTS
(4)
POINTS
(5)

GRAMMAR (10%)

POINTS
(0)
POINTS
(2)
POINTS
(3)
POINTS
(3.50)
POINTS
(4)
POINTS
(5)

PUNCTUATION (10%)

POINTS
(0)

May contain more than 8 errors in word choice, wordiness, redundancy, or awkwardness.
May contain more than 8 errors in inappropriate language for academic audience. Fails to
demonstrate clarity in most sentences throughout the paper. The lack of lucidity makes it
difficult for the reader to determine the paper’s focus.

Contains 6 or more errors in word choice, wordiness, redundancy, or awkwardness.
Contains repetitive, incorrect, and/or insufficient sentence structure and/or limited
vocabulary.

Contains 4 – 5 errors in word choice, wordiness, redundancy, or awkwardness.
Demonstrates competency with language use but sentence constructions and vocabulary
may be limited or repetitive.

Contains 2 – 3 errors in word choice, wordiness, redundancy, or awkwardness.
Demonstrates sufficient knowledge and skill with varied sentence construction and
vocabulary. Unnecessary repetition is minor.

Contains 1 error in word choice, wordiness, redundancy, or awkwardness. Demonstrates
sufficient knowledge and skill with varied sentence construction and vocabulary.
Unnecessary repetition is minor.

Contains no errors in word choice, repetition, redundancy, awkwardness, etc. Not only
avoid errors but employs vivid, fresh, and original expression.

3.50 / 5

Fragments, subject-verb agreement, verb tense errors, verb form errors, run-ons, pronoun agreement

Contains more than 7 different grammar errors. The identical 5+ errors may be repeated
throughout.

Contains more than 5 different grammar errors. The identical 3 – 4 errors may be
repeated throughout.

Contains 4 – 5 different grammar errors. The identical 2 – 3 errors may be repeated
throughout.

Contains 2 – 3 different grammar errors. The identical 1 – 2 errors may be repeated
throughout.

Contains 1 grammar error, which may be repeated throughout the essay.

Contains either no grammar errors, or 1 – 2 different errors with no repetition.

4 / 5

Comma errors, comma splices, apostrophe errors, capitalization errors, semicolon errors, colon errors

Contains more than 7 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical 5+ errors
may be repeated throughout.

POINTS
(2)
POINTS
(3)
POINTS
(3.50)
POINTS
(4)
POINTS
(5)

FORMAT (10%)

POINTS
(0)
POINTS
(2)
POINTS
(3)
POINTS
(3.50)
POINTS
(4)
POINTS
(5)

Contains more than 5 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical 3 – 4 errors
may be repeated throughout.

Contains 4 – 5 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical 2 – 3 errors may be
repeated throughout.

Contains 2 – 3 different punctuation/capitalization errors. The identical 1 – 2 errors may be
repeated throughout.

Contains 1 punctuation/capitalization error, which may be repeated throughout the essay.

Contains either no punctuation/capitalization error, or 1 – 2 different errors with no
repetition.

4 / 5

heading, title, margins, spacing, length*, underlined thesis, *Length for descriptive paragraph is 15 sentences
minimum.

Format or word minimum is completely lacking. Formatting may be missing five or more
elements (either no title, incomplete heading, inappropriate spacing or margins, and/or
thesis not underlined). Essay is severely underdeveloped, such that it includes only a
couple sentences.

Doesn’t meet formatting requirements. Formatting may be missing four or more elements
(either no title, incomplete heading, inappropriate spacing or margins, thesis not
underlined). Length may not meet minimum requirements.

Doesn’t meet most formatting requirements. Formatting may be missing three elements
(either no title, incomplete heading, inappropriate spacing or margins, thesis not
underlined). Length may not meet minimum requirements

Meets some formatting requirements. Formatting may be missing two elements (either no
title, incomplete heading, inappropriate spacing or margins, thesis not underlined). Length
may not meet minimum requirements (an essay that does not meet length minimum will
score no higher than 3 in this category)

Meets most formatting requirements. Formatting may be missing one element (either no
title, incomplete heading, inappropriate spacing or margins, thesis not underlined). Length
for descriptive paragraph is 15 sentences minimum.

Meets all requirements. Formatting is appropriate in terms of heading, title, margins,
spacing, underlining thesis. Length for descriptive paragraph is 15 sentences minimum.

desc
by Doreen Williams
desc
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor

RUBRIC: ENG101 V6: DESCRIPTIVE DRAFT 4.10 / 5