Christopher McKinney

Shaping a Child’s Will

Top of Form

Dobson describes ways to shape a child’s will that is reliant on a balanced approach between a firm foundation in authority and fluid independence and free-will (Dobson, 2004, p.51-59). The first of these is teaching respect for authority at an early age (p. 51) which is designed to provide the child with proper social guidelines and teach some humility that will last through the more rebellious stages of development that occur later. The second is defining boundaries before enforcing them (p. 56) which allows the child some freewill in their choices as they are fully aware of actions and consequences. This teaches some fairness and allows for freewill with boundaries. The third is distinguishing between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility (p. 57) which falls to the parent to understand and act appropriately at the child’s behaviors and not overreact or underreact. The fourth is reassuring and teaching following confrontation (p. 58) to make all negative behaviors a learning experience that the child and parent can use to grow and deepen their relationship. The fifth is avoiding impossible demands (p. 59) which provide a reasonable set of expectations for the child and prevent unneeded aggression, confrontation, or power struggles that can harm the relationship. The sixth is to let love be the guide (p. 58) of all parental actions and shaping the will of a child as love is the necessary foundation for all parent/child relationships and needs to be present and promoted to ensure healthy development.

I believe modern parents struggle with the fourth step most of all as turning consequences and negative behaviors into teaching moments can be quite difficult, especially when the punishment was not especially warranted. An example of this comes from my time as an after schoolteacher when a parent was dropping off their child for the program. During the car ride from school, the child had started to eat a snack which went against the parent’s rule of no food in the car. The parent preceded to take the snack, yell at the child, and then forbid the teachers from giving them a snack during the program. Rather than trying to speak with their child and find out the reason for the defiance, the parent simply escalated behavior and laid down strict punishments which were not especially warranted for such a mild disobedience. Upon speaking with the child, we discovered that they had not eaten lunch that day and were very hungry but could not explain that to their parent as they were yelling too much and would not listen.

If the parent had simply demonstrated proper communication and used the disobedience as a positive learning experience, their relationship could have potentially deepened rather than risking becoming fractured. All behaviors have the potential to become learning experiences if the parent has the ability to calm themselves, evaluate the situation, and communicate properly. Some of the modern barriers that parents face in shaping a child’s will include: modern media’s influence on parenting styles and knowing what is acceptable (this is both good and bad), increased defiance from children, stronger neglect from parents, increased time spent apart as a result of work, activities, or general life distractions at home, and modern society’s influence on child will development through conflicting information. Modern culture has an overwhelming number of barriers to proper will development in a child and most of these are the result of parents lacking confidence and the strong-willed nature themselves. It is difficult to teach someone else how to be strong, confident, and introspective when you lack these abilities yourself. To better aid in overcoming these barriers, parents need to understand themselves and their behaviors before attempting to develop these in another person.

References:

Dobson. J. (2004). The new strong-willed child: Birth through adolescence. Carol Stream, IL:

Tyndale House.

Bottom of Form

Sydney Drew Embler

Top of Form

Dobson (2004) discusses the six “How-To’s” in how one shapes a child’s will. When looking into these “How-To’s” more in depth, each one is a crucial guideline that parents need to follow in order to have a successful outcome with their child. The main thing that stood out to me is that each child is different, so parents need to focus on each one of these “How-To’s” and find out which ones are going to be beneficial for their child. 

The first “How-To” is so important in the sense that parents need to establish their role as a leader in their child’s life at an early age letting the child know they love them but are also in control.

The second “How-To” sets a fine line of boundaries before enforcing any punishment, allowing the child to gain awareness of right and wrong behaviors. 

The third “How-To” discusses the importance of parents being able to depict the differences between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility in order to determine the meaning behind their behavior.

The fourth “How-To” is a way for parents to teach their children forgiveness, all while assuring them they are loved through any confrontational moment. 

The fifth “How-To” helps parents understand that some demands are too high or unreachable for their children and punishing them will only lead to conflict.

The sixth “How-To” sets the stage for a healthy relationship between a parent and a child, being that love should always be a parent’s guide.

In my opinion, the fourth “How-To” is the most difficult one for parents to implement. This “how-To” takes a lot of time and consistency that some parents may not make time for. Parents need to make time to teach their children about their emotions and feelings while being able to maintain discipline. If a child is punished, they need to know why instead of just going to their room and never talking about it. This teachable moment allows a child to know their parent loves them but also allows the parent to show their leadership (Dobson, 2004, p. 70). Throughout this “How-To”, it is very evident that it takes time for a parent to be able to sit down with their child and explain rights and wrongs. Some parents do not take time for this and it sets the child up for bottling up feelings and emotions of inferiority. Children need their parents to listen and also guide them in the right direction. Without guidance, they will not be able to distinguish their feelings and emotions. This is so important for parents to follow through with this just as God is always there to listen to us and our feelings. God has forgiven us for our sins and we must teach our children this same concept. We will forgive them, as God forgives us, but with forgiveness comes talking about the situations that arise. Dobson (2004, p. 71) states, “Divine forgiveness is a marvelous experience, even for a very young child.”

It is inevitable that children are going to make mistakes, and parents must guide them and teach them how to not make the same mistakes again. 

For example, I work with Autistic children and the main thing I tell parents is to be consistent. People put a label on children who have a disability and just assume they don’t understand things. Well, they certainly do. They react to every yell and every hug. They are human, just like we are. This fourth “How-To”, along with all the others, but mainly the fourth one is so crucial for parents with a special needs child to not put on the back burner. They need to let their children know they are valued, as well as guiding them on how to express their emotions appropriately.

When it comes to barriers for parents in our current culture, there are two main ones that come to mind. The pressures of peers and social media occur more in the teenage years. As one of Dobson’s family talks, Reserve Forces and Kids, speaks on how the teenage years are more stressful than when the children are younger. These years are so crucial for parents to be able to talk to their children and implement the forth “How-To.” The barriers of peer pressures and social media can really put a damper in a family’s home life, but if parents stay consistent and help their children learn to talk about their mistakes and learn from them, then these barriers may become less stressful. On top of all of this, making sure children are introduced to Christ at an early age is crucial to the family dynamics. Proverbs (22:6, NIV), “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” 

References 

Dobson, J. (2004). The new strong-willed child: Birth through adolescence. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House.

Liberty University (n.d.). Dobson, J. (n.d.). Reserve Forces and Kids.

Bottom of Form